The Scars of Time
by Literary-Disaster
Summary: [AU] After Raisins, Wendy tries to assert that she's happy with Token. It backfires, making her believe for ten years that she was the cause of a horrible accident. And just when she and Kyle think they have a handle on everything, they're kids again suffering through dimensional wormholes, naked Valentine's Day festivals, exploding cows, Cartman's crush on Bebe, and a zombie Stan?
1. She's Got Issues

**_The Scars of Time_**

* * *

 ** _TAGS:_** [SCRIPTFIC] [PROSE] [ALTERNATING SCRIPT AND PROSE] [ALTERNATE UNIVERSE] [TIME TRAVEL] [ALTERNATE TIMELINES] [ACTION/ADVENTURE/HUMOR/ROMANCE] [INAPPROPRIATE HUMOR] [ADULTS TRAPPED AS THEIR KID SELVES] [KIDS BEING KIDS] [KIDS BEING ADULTS] [ADULTS BEING KIDS] [UNFINISHED WORK] [PRESENTED AS IS]

 ** _Notes:_** This is a project I started in 1999 and worked upon over the years. It's ultimately abandoned, posted only because I feel that it (in dialogue and characterization) is some of the best South Park I've written in the many years I've been doing this. One chapter, "All Along the Time Rift" is unfinished and, unfortunately, is integral to a key moment in one of the final chapters I've written. In this case, my outline notes will be used to finish it off. The notes at the end of the final chapter will give a brief synopsis of what would have happened afterward.

Also, my apologies for the awkward formatting. FFN is a fickle mistress in that regard.

* * *

 ** _Chapter One:  
She's Got Issues_**

* * *

BLACK SCREEN

NARRATOR:  
Previously on South Park-

The boys are on the playground. STAN is getting ready to hike a football until BEBE appears behind him.

BEBE:  
Wendy breaks up.

STAN:  
What?

KYLE:  
Like Stan gives a crap if Wendy breaks up!

STAN puts his hands in his pockets and walks away, head down. The CAMERA then cuts to STAN's heartbroken reflection on the surface of Stark's Pond.

JIMMY:  
*voice over*  
Stan's says you're a cont... You're a cont- Suh-Stan says you're a cont- Cont-

The CAMERA then cuts to WENDY's front yard as STAN holds a boombox over his head.

WENDY:  
*voice over*  
Well, tell Stan to fuck off!

His expression drops when TOKEN appears in WENDY's widow and shuts the curtains.

JIMMY:  
*voice over, cont'd*  
-continuing source of inspiration.

At Raisins, the boys are sitting at a table. CARTMAN leans back in his chair and coddles his bulging stomach. STAN looks rather bored.

KYLE:  
*voice over*  
We just have to show him that there's other girls out there.

CARTMAN:  
*strained*  
Oh my god. You guys... This is the greatest place in the world.

STAN:  
*annoyed*  
Can we go, please?

The CAMERA then cuts to GOTH STAN drinking coffee with the GOTH KIDS.

KYLE:  
*voice over*  
What happened?

KYLE arrives to have words with STAN.

KYLE:  
*voice over, cont'd*  
Aren't you still wallowing in pain?

STAN:  
*voice over*  
I just realized that there's gonna be a lot of painful times in life-

STAN and KYLE are talking on the playground.

STAN:  
*voice over, cont'd*  
-so, I'd better learn to deal with it the right way.

TOKEN and WENDY walk past the boys. STAN and KYLE notice.

STAN:  
Hey, Wendy!

They both turn to the boys.

STAN:  
*cont'd*  
You're a bitch. Token?

STAN flips the middle finger.

STAN:  
*cont'd*  
Right here, buddy.

The CAMERA then cuts to a shot of the town from the sign on the outer limits.

NARRATOR:  
And now for tonight's special presentation!

* * *

CUT TO EXT. MARSH RESIDENCE – DAY  
MUSIC CUE: "Positively Fourth Street" – Bob Dylan  
During the establishing shot, the music is slightly muffled giving the effect that it's coming from within the house. A cat, running screen right from a barking dog, plows head first into the garbage cans at the curb and knocks them over with a loud metallic commotion. The two noisy animals continue off screen as TOKEN WILLIAMS enters from screen left and slowly approaches the MARSH's driveway. SHARON MARSH pokes her head out the front door to investigate what the commotion had been about and instead finds TOKEN.

INT. STAN'S ROOM – DAY  
The muffled effect on the music suddenly lifts. Here STAN is lying on his bed and lobbing darts towards the opposite wall. He laughs after a dart embedding thud is heard.

STAN:  
*laughing*  
And Stan Marsh scores another point against the evil hose beast monster!

On the opposite wall one would find not a dart board, but a picture of WENDY complete with an inscription at the bottom that reads "i love you forever – Wendy."

STAN:  
*cont'd*  
He needs only to score one more hit to fell the hose beast terrorizing the town! Can he make it?!

Another dart is thrown and nails WENDY right in the eye. STAN laughs maniacally.

STAN:  
*cont'd*  
Right in the eye! Hell, yeah! See that, bitch?!  
*pauses*  
Oh, well, I guess you can't.

As he laughs, again maniacally, a knock comes from the door. He stops laughing, blinks, and promptly sits up.

STAN:  
Dude, it's open.

The door swings open as RANDY MARSH steps into the room. He raises an eyebrow, eyes STAN for a moment, then the boom box on the dresser, STAN again, WENDY's dart riddled picture on the wall, the boom box, and then STAN for one final time. STAN all the while sits confused.

RANDY:  
Stanley, I…I know you're probably still upset about...well, what happened two weeks ago, but I think it's time you found something else to listen to.

STAN:  
What? Why? Listening to some guy put down some bitch makes me feel kinda warm and fuzzy on the inside.

RANDY:  
Stan... You've been listening to this song over and over for well over a week now. I can take the holes in the wall, but Bob Dylan's singing is like rubbing a cat on a cheese grater. Also, Mrs. Kase-strasse next door has been complaining for days now.

STAN:  
What?! Dude, what a bitch!

RANDY:  
*sternly*  
I know! I know!  
*normally*  
Just turn it off. Listen to something else for a change, like Toto-

STAN:  
Eww...

RANDY:  
-or whatever it is you kids listen to these days. I can't keep making excuses for you, Stan. Be a man.

STAN:  
*sighs*  
I guess you're right.

RANDY:  
*beaming*  
I'm glad you're finally coming around, son.  
*eyeing the picture on the wall*  
I'll...just leave you to your game of darts then.

Outside the house finds not only the music switching off, but TOKEN standing at the front door conversing with SHARON.

SHARON:  
What brings you here, Token?

TOKEN:  
*nervously*  
So, uh, I was wondering if Stan was here?

Back in STAN's room, STAN has pulled out his nightstand and is crouching behind it.

STAN:  
*darkly*  
Through early morning fog I see...visions of the things to be...  
*closes eyes*  
...the pains that are withheld for me...

He peeks his head over the top of the table.

STAN:  
*cont'd, darkly*  
I realize and I can see...

STAN ducks back behind the table and screams.

STAN:  
*cont'd*  
DUDE!  
*darkly, dramatically*  
Holy shit! The psycho-hose beast nearly took my head off with her putrid gaze of hatred! I...just have to...time this...just right...

Just as STAN dives out from behind his cover and whips a dart at his target, SHARON opens the door.

SHARON:  
*confused*  
Stanley Marsh! What in-

The dart hits the wall at an angle causing it to ricochet off towards the boom box-

SHARON:  
*cont'd, pissed*  
-God's name-

-where it ricochets again towards STAN's bed-

SHARON:  
*cont'd, pissed*  
-are you-

-where it ricochets a final time off of a bedpost and embeds itself in the door frame near SHARON's neck.

SHARON:  
*cont'd, pissed*  
-doing?!

STAN:  
*looks up from the floor*  
Um... Nothing?

SHARON:  
*sighs*  
Just go downstairs and see what your little friend wants.

STAN:  
*confused*  
Little friend?

Back outside the front door finds TOKEN fidgeting uncomfortably. The door opens to reveal STAN looking quite confused.

TOKEN:  
*nervously*  
Uh... Hi.

STAN blinks in confusion before his face switches to that of one in anger.

STAN:  
*calmly*  
Hey, dude. What the hell do you want?

TOKEN:  
*laughs nervously*  
Uh, heh. Wendy, uh- Wendy sent me here to get some of her things.

STAN:  
*calmly*  
Really?  
*pissed*  
Look, dude. If the psycho-hose beast wants her crap-

TOKEN:  
*confused*  
Psycho-hose beast?

STAN:  
*pissed*  
-she can walk her happy ass here and get it herself. I'm not dealing with this middle-man crap.

TOKEN:  
Look, man. If you want, I can stay here while you get her stuff.

STAN:  
*glares*  
Maybe you didn't hear me, asshole. I told you to get lost.

TOKEN:  
Hey! There's no reason to be a shit-head about this!

STAN:  
Look, dude. I like to think of myself as reasonable. So, that means, you've got five seconds to make yourself scarce before I kick your ass.

TOKEN:  
*pissed*  
Whatever. I don't need this.

After TOKEN storms away-

STAN:  
*mutters*  
Asshole boy-toy.

-STAN steps inside and slams the door.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. HAPPY BURGER – DAY  
Establishing shot.

INT. HAPPY BURGER – DAY  
Inside finds KYLE, CARTMAN, and KENNY sitting in a booth talking among themselves.

KYLE:  
*excitedly*  
-and there's supposed to be lots of realistic blood and gore and chopping off of limbs!

CARTMAN:  
*excitedly*  
Yes!  
*orgasmically*  
YEEEEEEESSSSS! I can smell...the sweet smell...of Jew blood!

KYLE:  
Jew blood?  
*raises an eyebrow, unimpressed*  
Really, Cartman...?

STAN walks up to them and shoots them a quizzical look.

STAN:  
*confused*  
Did I...miss something?

KYLE:  
I'm actually wondering that myself.

CARTMAN:  
*rolls eyes*  
I only meant that I'll be kicking your Jew ass at video games, Kahl.

STAN:  
*sitting down*  
I don't know, Cartman. I've seen Kyle kick your ass plenty of times.

KYLE:  
Yeah!

CARTMAN:  
Yeah, well, I'm gonna get Thirst for Blood 2: Quench That Thirst before any of you assholes and not let you play until I learn all the moves!

KYLE:  
Dude, I got the demo yesterday in my copy of Okama Gamesphere Magazine. So, if anyone's kicking anyone's asses, it'll be me.

CARTMAN:  
I- Shut up, Jew!

STAN:  
Yeah, dude. Plus, the move list was leaked months ago on the internet.

CARTMAN:  
*huffs*  
Yeah, okay. Like that's going to matter.

STAN:  
Frankly, I can't wait for it to come out. I need some death and destruction to get me through my emotional problems.

CARTMAN:  
Hah! Pussy.

KYLE:  
What's wrong, dude?

STAN:  
*pauses*  
The bitch and her boy-toy are trying to start shit with me.

KYLE:  
That's gay.

CARTMAN:  
*scoffs*  
Okay, Stan. I rarely do this, but here's some free advice from me.  
*pauses*  
Just drop the bitch already.

STAN:  
*blinks*  
What?

CARTMAN:  
Seriously. Just take that bitch and drop her...

CARTMAN shifts his eyes side to side and leans forward.

CARTMAN:  
*cont'd, hushed*  
...off a cliff.

STAN:  
Dude! As much as I like the idea I don't think I could kill her.

CARTMAN:  
*smugly*  
Then you are a weaker man than I.

KYLE:  
Dude, don't listen to Cartman.

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
Ay! Why the fuck not, Jew?!

KYLE:  
*rolls his eyes*  
Here, Stan. Maybe what you should do is-

CARTMAN huffs and looks off screen. After a moment, his eyes widen in surprise. He gasps audibly before bringing his head down to the table. He motions for the others to do the same.

CARTMAN:  
*hushed*  
You guys!

KYLE:  
*hushed, irked*  
What is it, fat ass?

CARTMAN:  
*points, hushed*  
Look over there!

In the direction of CARTMAN's indication, WENDY and TOKEN are sitting on the opposite side of the dining area near a soda fountain. WENDY, eating a leafy salad, raises an eyebrow at TOKEN as he takes a bite of his burger.

WENDY:  
*miffed*  
I thought we agreed that there wouldn't be any more animal killing, sweetie?

TOKEN:  
*confused*  
I don't remember agreeing to that...

WENDY glares at TOKEN.

CARTMAN:  
*hushed, off screen*  
What the hell are you doing, Jew?! Get down!

Going back to the boys reveals KYLE standing on the booth's seat to better look behind them.

STAN:  
*hushed*  
Dude, get down! She'll see you!

KYLE falls back to a sitting position.

KYLE:  
*hushed*  
What? I couldn't see!

CARTMAN:  
*hushed*  
Pfft! You're such a fag.

STAN:  
*hushed, miffed*  
That bitch. Of all the places she could have gone with her asshole boy-toy it had to be HERE.

KYLE:  
*matter-of-factly*  
Actually, the only other option would be Denny's...

STAN:  
But that's all the way in Fairplay.

KYLE:  
My point.

There is a pause.

STAN:  
Touché.

CARTMAN starts giggling.

KYLE:  
What's so funny, fat-ass?

CARTMAN:  
*snickers*  
Check this out!  
*loudly with an altered voice*  
Attention Happy Burger patrons. We have assholes near the soda fountain. I repeat: We have assholes near the soda fountain. Especially Wendy Testaburger. Boo! What a bitch! Thank you.

A silence falls over the restaurant as TOKEN and WENDY look around in shock and anger, respectively. WENDY roughly stands-

WENDY:  
*miffed*  
Stan Marsh, I swear to god-

-and accidentally knocks her dressing covered salad all over herself. Her face turns red in severe agitation.

WENDY:  
*screams*  
I just BOUGHT these pants!

Everyone including TOKEN laughs at her sudden outburst. KYLE can be seen poking his head out from behind a booth.

KYLE:  
*laughing*  
That was awesome!

When he disappears behind the booth, the CAMERA returns back to the boys and their hysterical fits of laughter.

TOKEN:  
Wendy, I think maybe you should calm down a little.

WENDY:  
*screaming*  
Calm down?! Shut up, you asshole! Some fucking dick just insulted us and I've ruined my god damn pants! I have every reason to be fucking PISSED OFF!

KENNY, no longer able to keep himself upright, falls underneath the table as he laughs.

TOKEN:  
*holds up his hands in defense*  
I'm sure it'll come out if you wash it...

WENDY:  
*silent for a beat*  
...WHAT?!

TOKEN:  
*nervously*  
I said-

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
I fucking heard you! No defending my honor?! Just "wash your fucking pants"?!

Another much more pregnant silence falls over the restaurant. CARTMAN wipes tears from his eyes as he silently giggles. STAN and KYLE lean against each other to keep from falling under the table. The scene cuts to a giggling CLYDE and CRAIG nearby.

CRAIG:  
*low*  
He's fucked.

CLYDE:  
*low*  
I'm glad that's not me!

TOKEN:  
Babe, please... You're causing a scene...

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
You're damn right I am!  
*looks around*  
I know you're behind this, Stan! So FUCK OFF, asshole!

WENDY storms off and shoves DOUGIE out of the way, who lands to the floor face first in his tray of food. TOKEN reluctantly follows.

WENDY:  
*off screen, pissed*  
And how many times have I told you that I hate being called "babe"?!

TWEEK:  
*grabs his hair*  
Gah! What a bitch!

BUTTERS:  
Yu-you said it, boy howdy!

Back at the boys' table, as they recover from their fits of laughter, KENNY climbs out from under the table as CARTMAN leans back and gasps for air. KYLE straightens his hat and snickers. STAN wipes tears from his eyes.

STAN:  
*snickering*  
Fat ass, you just made my day.

CARTMAN:  
*grinning*  
You're welcome, homo.

There is a silence for a beat as the four boys look at each other. CARTMAN suddenly holds out a hand.

CARTMAN:  
That'll be fifty dollars.

STAN plants his face into his palm.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. MARSH RESIDENCE – NIGHT  
During the establishing shot, WENDY storms up to the door and angrily beats on it. The CAMERA cuts closer when the door opens to reveal a surprised STAN.

STAN:  
*raises an eyebrow*  
Uh, hi?

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
Don't you "hi" me, asshole! In case you're too stupid to figure it out, I'm here for my things!

STAN:  
*disinterested*  
Oh, right... Your things...

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
Is that all you have to say, cock gobbler?!

STAN:  
*shrugs*  
Well, it's just that both you and Token have been really vague with "things." Like, what things?

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
I don't have to take this from you, asshole! Token was right! You're being a total shit-head!

STAN:  
*pissed*  
Well, I don't appreciate you sending your freaking boy-toy around here!  
*pauses*  
And, seriously, what things?

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
And I don't appreciate what you and your fucking asshole friends did to us today at Happy Burger!

STAN laughs.

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
It wasn't funny, ass monkey! As soon as I figure out who the fuck it was I'm gonna strap both your asses to a god damn rocket!

STAN:  
*bemused*  
Actually, that was pretty funny. You know what's even funnier? Ditching your boyfriend and then dating some other dude an hour later.

WENDY's face loses her angry expression when STAN laughs again.

STAN:  
*cont'd, smirks*  
Hold on a sec, dude. I'll go get your "things."

He slams the door in her face. She genuinely looks upset for a brief moment before getting angry again.

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
You better not be fucking with me, mongoloid!

In STAN's darkened bedroom, KYLE is in the shadows looking out the window.

KYLE:  
*low*  
Wow... What a bitch.

The door opens allowing a rectangle of light to fill the room, save for a STAN-shaped void.

STAN:  
Alright, dude. Guess I gotta give the bitch back her crap.

After KYLE nods, the scene shifts back to the front door where WENDY is still standing. She huffs-

STAN:  
*off screen*  
Bombs away!

-before looking up in shock. Several colorful water filled balloons fall and break on her, soaking her to the core.

WENDY:  
*screaming*  
IT'S FUCKING COLD!

STAN and KYLE poke their heads out the window. STAN laughs outwardly, while KYLE tries to hold it in with his hand.

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
Do you actually think this is FUNNY, assholes?!

As KYLE laughs into his hand some more, STAN throws a backpack out the window. WENDY screams as it narrowly misses her. She shivers as she glares angrily up at the boys.

STAN:  
*harshly*  
Freezing, Wendy? Well, now you outwardly match the inside of your cold, black heart.

WENDY picks the bag up off the ground and slings it over her shoulder.

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
What the fuck is your problem, asshole?

STAN:  
*harshly*  
You broke my heart, so I threw water balloons at you in the middle of winter. I'd say we're even now.

The angry expression on WENDY's face turns to one of sadness for the briefest of moments before going all out angry. She points a shaking finger up at STAN. Whether it is shaking in anger or from the freezing moistness is up for interpretation.

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
That's it! You better be watching your back, Stan Marsh! You want an enemy?! Well, you just fucking got one!

STAN:  
*rolls eyes*  
Whatever. Just leave me alone, dude.

He pulls himself back through the window and shuts it.

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
What-?! Whatev-?!

WENDY screams in frustration as she storms off. Back in STAN's room, STAN has slid down the wall and is sitting on the floor staring blankly into space.

KYLE:  
Christ, dude. Was this a good idea? I mean, she's pretty pissed off.

STAN:  
*shrugs*  
She deserved it.

KYLE:  
Well, yeah. She's a bitch, but you know as well as I do that she's not someone to be trifled with.

STAN:  
*shrugs*  
Whatever.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. WILLIAMS' RESIDENCE – NIGHT  
During the establishing shot, WENDY storms up to the door and flings it open.

INT. WILLIAMS' RESIDENCE – LIVING ROOM  
TOKEN is on the couch watching TV. His eyes go wide in shock as WENDY's backpack flies inches in front of his face.

TOKEN:  
*surprised*  
What the hell?

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
You need to go kick that sonova bitch's ass!

TOKEN:  
*irked*  
Maybe I should kick yours for almost killing me with a back pack.

WENDY:  
*scoffs, pissed*  
It's not all about you, Token! That cock-sucking mongoloid threw water balloons at me! You need to defend my honor!

TOKEN:  
*irked*  
Defend your honor? Personally, I think you should just let it go.

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
No! Because he never will!

TOKEN:  
Actually, Stan hasn't said anything for two weeks. You're the one-

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
He won't leave us alone as long as we're together!

There is silence for a beat.

TOKEN:  
Well... I have a solution then.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. STEVENS' RESIDENCE - NIGHT  
The CAMERA is set up for a typical establishing shot.

WENDY:  
*off screen, faint, echoes*  
You what?!

BEBE opens her window and sticks her head out to look around.

BEBE:  
*worried*  
Oh, god... That doesn't sound good...

* * *

CUT TO EXT. SCHOOL PLAYGROUND – DAY TIME  
STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN, KENNY, TWEEK, and BUTTERS are in a huddle.

STAN:  
Okay. Here's the plan. I'll say a bunch of random stuff that has nothing to do with anything. Then someone throws me the ball or something.

KYLE:  
Sounds good to me.

TWEEK:  
*twitches*  
Gah!

TOKEN walks up behind STAN and clears his throat.

TOKEN:  
Hey, Stan.

The six boys get out of their huddle and form a line in front of TOKEN.

BUTTERS:  
Gee whiz... Why is it whenever we play football someone has to talk to Stan?

TWEEK:  
*grabs hair, twitches*  
Gah! I dunno, man!

STAN:  
*irked*  
What's she want now?

TOKEN:  
Don't know. Don't care.

KYLE:  
*raises an eyebrow*  
Then why are you here?

TOKEN:  
I dropped the bitch.

There is a shocked silence for a beat.

STAN:  
You did what?!

CARTMAN:  
*points at STAN*  
See?! I told you, asshole!

KYLE:  
But why, dude?

TOKEN:  
Because she's a bitch.

KYLE:  
Oh.

CARTMAN:  
How is this news? I've been sayin' that fer years!

STAN:  
Shut up, Cartman.  
*to TOKEN*  
Why tell me this, dude? Nothing changes between us.

TOKEN:  
I know, but still wanted to apologize.  
*pauses*  
I'm sorry.

STAN:  
Sure.  
*nods*  
Apology accepted, but still.  
*flips the middle finger*  
Fuck off, buddy.

TOKEN nods and turns to walk away. After a few steps, he stops and looks back at STAN over his shoulder.

TOKEN:  
She's coming to kill you.

As TOKEN walks off, STAN turns to regard the other boys.

STAN:  
Well, there's a point for me and none for the bitch.

BUTTERS:  
What're you gonna do, Stan? If Wendy's angry, then you could be a real dead man! Whuh-why that'd be terrible. I'd have to wear my tuxedo to your funeral then toss a handful of dirt onto your casket-

STAN:  
*flatly*  
No one's going to die, Butters.

KENNY:  
*alarmed*  
[Uh oh...]

WENDY:  
*off screen, screams*  
STANLEY MARSH!

The boys turn or look up to find WENDY angrily eyeing them with BEBE standing not too far behind her.

STAN:  
Wendy.

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
This is it, asshole! We're fighting right here, right now!

CARTMAN:  
*cracks his knuckles*  
Sweet. I like the four to one odds.

KYLE:  
Three to one, fat ass.

STAN steps forward and holds a hand back towards his friends.

STAN:  
This is between me and her. Stay out of this, guys.

The CAMERA cuts to a close up of WENDY's anger filled face.

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
Get ready for-

Suddenly a loud crack fills the air. WENDY's eyes roll into the back of her head and she falls forward, revealing BEBE waving her hand about in pain. The CAMERA returns to its previous position.

BEBE:  
*pained*  
God damn! That hurt!

STAN/KYLE:  
*shocked*  
Bebe?!

BEBE:  
*pained*  
Jesus! I think I broke my hand!

CARTMAN:  
*to KENNY, low*  
Well, this is a strange turn of events.

KENNY:  
*nods*  
[Kinda hot, actually.]

CARTMAN:  
*low*  
I know, right?

WENDY painfully sits up and clutches the back of her head.

WENDY:  
*pained*  
Why the fuck-?

STAN:  
Actually, yeah. I'm a little confused here.

BEBE:  
*mutters*  
Oh, shit this hurts!  
*normal*  
Wendy, all you've done is bitch about Stan and go on about how much of an asshole he is! God damn, if I didn't know any better I'd say that he had been the one dating Token behind your back!

WENDY opens her mouth to protest, but quickly shuts it and hangs her head in shame.

STAN:  
Wait... What?!  
*pissed*  
Just how long were you seeing him before I found out?!

CARTMAN:  
*shocked*  
Damn, man...

BEBE:  
It was long enough that I got tired of hearing about it and holding her hand.  
*waves her hand*  
Jesus Christ, this kills!

WENDY:  
*pained*  
But, Bebe-

BEBE:  
*pissed*  
No. I'm done. Stop being a bitch, Wendy. You brought it on yourself.

BEBE walks off while shaking her smarting hand.

BEBE:  
*off screen*  
Just get over it already.

CARTMAN:  
*low, to KYLE*  
Wow. Points go to Bebe for that.

CARTMAN sighs with a love stricken smile.

CARTMAN:  
*cont'd*  
What a babe...

WENDY slumps forward as tears well in her eyes. STAN crouches down and stares intently at her face. She quickly looks at him from the corners of her eyes before returning her gaze to the ground.

KYLE:  
*background*  
Wow. This whole thing is fucked up.

CARTMAN:  
*background*  
Puh. I always said that she was a hippie bitch. Keepin' the main course on the platter and gettin' some extra free lovin' as a side dish...

KYLE:  
*background*  
You would make a comparison to food, fat ass.

KYLE and CARTMAN continue to bicker in the background.

WENDY:  
*softly*  
Go ahead. Kick my ass. I deserve it.

STAN stands and looks down on WENDY.

STAN:  
*glares*  
No.

All the boys fall silent and give STAN a collective shocked look.

KYLE:  
What?

STAN:  
I said "no".

CARTMAN:  
But- But you need to quench your thirst with some refreshing domestic violence!

STAN:  
Shut up, Cartman.

CARTMAN:  
God dammit! Kick her hippie ass, already!

STAN:  
I've learned something today. I should kick your ass, but I'm not. You're not worth the time, effort, or the scuffing of my shoes. Seriously, dude. You're a selfish bitch. You're just as bad as Cartman, if not worse.

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
What?! Ay!

STAN:  
If you had actually cared about or thought about anyone's feelings then this whole mess could have been avoided. I mean, seriously, dude. You could've said something to me about there being a problem in our relationship, but you didn't...because you're a bitch. Then your boy-toy left you for being a bitch. And your best friend just clocked you...for being a bitch.

WENDY attempts to stifle her sobs and wipes tears from her eyes. The boys behind STAN look at each other as if they are unsure of what they should do.

WENDY:  
*sniffling*  
That's... That's how you feel, huh.

STAN remains silent.

WENDY:  
*cont'd, softly*  
Fine. Then I won't bother you anymore. I'll...just lock myself in my room and never come out...

STAN stares at her for a moment before regarding the other boys.

STAN:  
Let's go, guys. I'm done.

The other boys shrug and walk off. STAN makes to follow them, but stops short of the edge of the screen.

STAN:  
Wendy...

He doesn't turn around to face her.

STAN:  
*cont'd*  
I never got an answer to my question.

WENDY looks up at STAN and goes to reply, but no sound comes out of her mouth.

STAN:  
*cont'd*  
You know, you're right. It's probably better if I don't know how long I was being played.  
*walks off*  
See you around, dude.

She tearfully sighs as she watches him walk away.

WENDY:  
*softly*  
God... I'm really stupid...

Elsewhere on the playground finds the boys congratulating STAN on his victory.

BUTTERS:  
That was a nice speech, Stan. Whuh-why I don't think the President could do better!

STAN:  
*raises an eyebrow*  
Uh, thanks, Butters.

KYLE:  
Yeah, dude. I'd say you score about ten more points.

CARTMAN:  
*excited*  
Did you see the look on the hippie's face?! That...was...freaking PRICELESS!

STAN:  
*half-hearted*  
Yeah...

BUTTERS:  
Why, the mean ol' bitch deserved it. She did, boy howdy!

STAN opens his mouth to say something, but is interrupted by a loud whistle-

ELDERLY RECESS MONITOR:  
Recess is over, you little bastards!

-which causes all the boys to groan.

KYLE:  
Damn.

STAN:  
You guys go ahead. I think I need some time alone.

KYLE:  
What the hell are we supposed to tell Mr. Garrison?

STAN:  
*shrugs*  
I dunno.

STAN walks off screen.

STAN:  
*cont'd, off screen*  
Tell him Cartman sat on me or something.

CARTMAN:  
Ay! What the hell's your damn problem, asshole?

KENNY:  
*stares after STAN*  
[I think I know what's going on.]

The boys start walking back to the school.

CARTMAN:  
Maybe you should explain it hyah.

KENNY:  
[Stan's still got a boner for her pussy.]

TWEEK:  
But cats don't chew on bones!

The boys are silent for a moment until KYLE, CARTMAN, and KENNY laugh.

BUTTERS:  
Now I'm really confused. What do bones have to do with Stan and Wendy?

* * *

CUT TO EXT. STARK'S POND - SUNSET  
During the establishing shot, WENDY can be seen standing on the bridge overlooking the pond. When the CAMERA cuts to a closer shot, WENDY has suddenly relocated to sitting in front of an evergreen near the pond's edge. She draws her knees to her chin and rests it there. Her eyes are swollen red and she looks overall very haggard.

WENDY:  
*softly*  
So... This is my life now. I should just...live the rest of my days under the bridge like a troll.

She sighs.

WENDY:  
*cont'd*  
What the hell was I thinking? I should have just...said something. Oh, Stan... I'm so so sorry... I just...felt ignored. You always hung out and did things with Kyle and never me.

She buries her head in her arms.

WENDY:  
*cont'd*  
That so was not a good way to get your attention.  
*sniffles*  
But what choice did I have?

For several moments, the only noise heard is WENDY's tearful sobs.

WENDY:  
*cont'd, tearful*  
I wish I hadn't said all those bad things... I wish things hadn't gotten this far out of control. I wish I'd never fucked up in the first place.

She stares out over the pond for a moment as the sun sets on the other side. Finally, she sighs with a hitch and buries her face in her arms once again.

WENDY:  
*cont'd*  
I just...wish I could hide for the rest of my life.


	2. Nobody Told Me (Life Goes On)

_**Chapter Two:  
**_ _ **Nobody Told Me (Life Goes On)**_

* * *

The lonely full moon hung quietly in the still sky, all the while giving forth its pale, silvery light to the snow in the graveyard. The grave markers in this necropolis sat still as statues in a state of lifeless tranquility. It was almost as if the crickets were afraid to disturb the dead on this particular night. A gust of snow rose from the tops of the memorials as if the wind did not care about the deceased's tranquil desires. As quickly as it came, the wind stopped as if realizing where it was.

The dead, for the most part, received their deserved undisturbed rest. Very rarely did anyone visit the cemetery these days. Most of its occupants were forgotten and lost to the busy hustle and bustle of the nearby town. On this night, however, there was a lone visitor; one whom the dead had not seen before. With every hesitant step the teen-aged girl took toward her uncertain destination, the tranquil atmosphere changed ever so slightly. It was uncertain or possibly confused.

The girl, possibly sensing the change within the silvery air, shivered and hugged her wine colored parka closer to herself. "It sure has gotten cold out…" she mumbled to no one save herself, or perhaps to any zombies, vampires, or other groovy goulies hiding beyond her sight. Perhaps this was directed to the night's atmosphere itself to break the ice between them. If the latter was the case, it did nothing to ease the tension building just with her mere presence.

She wandered systematically amongst the grave markers, as if searching for a particular one. Her dark hair fluttered behind her as she moved from stone to stone. Her thin lips silently read the names on every stone she happened upon and then immediately mouthed a curse when it was not the one desired. Her brow narrowed in frustration. Surely he was around nearby. The night seemed to feed on her apprehension causing her to jump. The nervousness was apparent in her eyes as she surveyed the area around her. "I know. I don't belong here," she mumbled to the night time scene, "I just came to talk to someone. I'll be quick. I swear!"

The girl slowly stalked her way to a group of stones across the pathway, passing one with a cooking utensil offering along the way, and breathed a sigh of relief when she finally found the one person she was questing for. The thickening tension in the air dispersed into the night, leaving her alone with the moon in the cemetery. She sat at the grave's feet and intently studied the writing on the front. In bold gothic letters the epitaph read "Here lies Stan Marsh. Sleep well, little child, for the Lord holds thee now."

Sorrowful tears welled up in her dull grey eyes as her lips trembled. "Hi, Stan," she choked aloud, "It's me…Wendy. After all these years, I've…finally come to see you. I probably look different to you, don't I? Yet, when I see you, in pictures or my mind's eye, you're… You're always the same; never changing, never aging, never different, always how you were all those years ago." She sniffed and wiped a few stray tears from her eyes. "I…" As she trailed off, she looked to the sky, as if the moon and the stars would guide her with her choice of words, and exhaled her nervousness with a deep frosty sigh. "I can't believe it's been nearly ten years to the day. Ten years of spending my life living in a remorseful paradise."

She grabbed her folded legs, and with a stilted chuckle, began to rock back and forth. "Seems hindsight is twenty-twenty." Her rocking ceased as she slumped forward, almost with defeat. "What happened to you was…my fault. I've come to accept that now. I remember…hiding in my room for weeks afterwards. I felt so guilty over what had happened between you, me, and Token. I wish it had never happened. I wish...I had worked up the courage to apologize to you after our last fight. Then maybe..." She leaned even farther forward and rested her dark-haired head on the cold tombstone in front of her, which caused her pink beret to fall to the snowy ground beside her. "I remember not being able to face people after I found out. Actually, I don't really remember much of anything between then and now. Only my room. My bed. My parents pulling me out of school. Intense guilt. My mind kept repeating all the bad things I had last said to you."

Wendy's face contorted in mental anguish as she gripped the granite slab with each painful sob. "I couldn't go to school because you weren't there!" she wailed between her tears. "I couldn't leave my room because everyone blamed me for it! Eh-especially Kyle. I know he did. I know he still does. I can hear him in my head, pointing at me, blaming me." She sighed and twisted around so that she was leaning her back against Stan's stone marker. "And he has every right. I was young and didn't think that you would take me leaving you the way you did. But you did. And now… We're here without you." She chuckled nervously to herself and ran a trembling hand through the hair dangling in her eyes. "The irony is that I did what I did because I was jealous of your relationship with Kyle and...felt lonely. If only I knew what loneliness was then. I wish I could go back in time and kick my own ass."

She picked up her beret and held it in the moonlight to talk to it, as if it were really the intended person to hear her words. "I thought about ending it. My life, that is. I thought about following in your footsteps. Razor blade to the wrists, overdose of sleeping pills, toaster in the bathtub, walking off the roof of my house, drinking the entire contents of my parent's liquor cabinet in one sitting…" She threw her hat to the ground with a curse and continued her conversation with the moon instead. "I couldn't do any of them. All I ended up with were scars, sleeping an entire week straight, soggy toast, a broken leg, and getting so wasted on my thirteenth birthday that I passed out in a puddle of my own vomit. And even that didn't kill me!" She growled in anger and brought her knees closer into a hug.

"All I wanted was to either turn back time to when you were still alive so I could do things differently or get yellow tape around my house as I laid in a chalked outline." With an exasperated sigh, she buried her face between her knees. "I failed with both. Time always moves forward and I'm still alive." She sat in silence with nothing more to add. The leaves on the trees rustled behind her as if the night was trying to respond. Its message, whatever it was, was lost to the young girl as she stretched her lower extremities. After picking herself up out of the snow and brushing it off, she looked down and wiped more tears from her eyes. "In short, Stan… I miss you and...I'm sorry."

"Well, fancy seeing you here." The voice that called out to her seemingly came from everywhere and nowhere at the same time. It also caused her to squeal in surprise as she whirled around in search of the source. She gasped, again in surprise, and brought a hand to her chest as she took an apprehensive step back.

"Kyle?" came a slight stuttered murmur from Wendy's lips, "Whuh-what are you doing here?" She shook her head to clear her thoughts. "No, the question I should be asking is HOW LONG have you been here." The boy in green and orange chuckled at her sudden change in attitude as he made to approach her. He stopped dead in his tracks and adopted a thin frown when she held out a hand to keep him at a distance. Kyle nodded his head in regards to her wishes and then promptly shrugged.

"Honestly," came his soft response, "I pulled up not long after you arrived. This is normally when I stop by here."

Narrowing her eyes in frustration, Wendy folded her arms across her chest. "So… You basically heard everything I had to say." The boy simply nodded his confirmation. "Go ahead then. Hate me. Hate me for killing your best friend." She sharply turned away from him and tried to fight back the anguish that was trying to escape.

Kyle raised an eyebrow as if confused. "I…" He observed a moment of silence to choose his words carefully. "I didn't know I hated you for anything." His words were spoken slowly in a calming manner. Clearly, the young girl was in need of some calm. Upon taking a step closer to the distraught girl, he offered, "In fact, I didn't know that you were what killed him."

"Not…directly," came a choked reply.

"Dude, you really have no idea what actually happened, do you?"

"I… I know…enough. He…committed suicide."

"Dude…"

"And I drove him there!" she cried as she whirled around to face the boy behind her. It was a full force torrential downpour of tears from her eyes. Powerful sobs attempted to escape her lips as she tightly shut her eyes in a struggle to keep her emotions in check. "It was all me!"

Kyle's eyes opened wide with shock enough to fry a monkey in pig grease. "So that's why you disappeared…" He quickly approached her and enveloped her in a tight embrace. "Dude, it wasn't you," he whispered, "So stop thinking that."

Wendy roughly shoved him away in an angry response. "Bull shit!" she uttered harshly.

Bewildered, Kyle shook his head and gave a shrug. "Dude, I'm serious! You had nothing to do with it!" As the girl growled in frustration, she roughly shoved past him to walk away. "Wendy! He was murdered!" She stopped dead mid stride, but continued facing in the direction she had been heading. Her bloodshot eyes studied the graveyard before her between the tears, as if somewhere there she would find a confirmation of what she had just heard.

"He… Who? ...What?" she stammered. Had she been wrong all these years? Had the guilt, the depression, and the loneliness been for nothing? She twisted her head to look back when a reassuring hand was felt on her shoulder. "Kyle? You're leading me on…right?"

Kyle seemed to study what he could see of her face and scrunched his own up into a tiny frown. "I'm not. Dude, Stan had accepted whatever had happened between the two of you. He was pissed, but seriously, after shit went down, he just shrugged his shoulders whenever it was brought up."

"So, then…?"

"It was Cartman." His voice wavered darkly. "Fucking fat ass." The young Jew took a moment to compose himself before he continued. "It was..." he began, "Nine-? Ten-? -years ago. We were hanging out at fat ass's house playing football. At one point, Cartman stopped us to show us a bottle of pills he claimed to have found in the park. I was skeptical, of course, but when challenged…" The boy scoffed and lowered his head into his palm. He whispered, "You fucking dumbass, Stan." Wendy fully turned to face Kyle and watched him with eyes that begged for him to continue. "So, both Stan and Kenny took up Cartman's challenge to swallow one to see what would happen. I declined to participate. I didn't even watch them swallow anything. I couldn't. I just know that the three of them each had one. Cartman was fine. Kenny was fine. Stan…" Kyle raised his eyes to look directly into Wendy's. "Stan went into anaphylactic shock and promptly died right then and there before Kenny or I could get help."

Wendy gasped and brought her hands to her mouth. "He… He was allergic to penicillin…" she offered meekly.

Kyle grinned an angry grin and slowly spoke aloud, "And guess what was in that bottle. Guess what Cartman dared him to take. Guess who fucking got away with it."

"All this time…" she sobbed softly, "All this time I thought it was me." She embraced him in a tight hug and cried into his shoulder. "All this time I thought it was me!" Taken off guard, Kyle hesitated for a moment before he returned the embrace. "Why, Kyle?! Why didn't anyone tell me?!"

"Dude… Kinda hard when you just disappear from the face of the planet and tell no one what you're thinking. I mean, I would have if I had known that had you felt this way."

Wendy broke the embrace with Kyle and turned back in the direction of Stan's final resting spot. With a scoff she muttered, "I've been spending most of my life living in a remorseful paradise and turns out it was needless. For nothing." Looking to the stars in the sky, she asked of them, "Why was I blind to see that the one I seriously hurt in the end was only me?" Saying nothing in response, Kyle stared at the back of her head with that funny scrunched up accordion frown on his face and waited for her to say something he could respond to. Sighing, she turned back to face him and wiped stray tears from her eyes. "Kyle?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't want to go home."

"Where do you want to go, then?"

"I don't care. I just know that I don't want to see the four walls of my room any more."

Kyle nodded in understanding and gave a slight smirk. "Then let's go hang out at Denny's. Kenny should be at work right now."

Wendy chuckled tearfully as she, again, wiped her eyes clear. "I think I'd like that," she murmured, "I think… I think in time I'll be able sort this all out."

After picking up her beret from where it had landed, he put a comforting arm around her shoulders and led her towards the exit. "Welcome back, Wendy."

"But…I never left South Park."

Kyle held up a finger with his free hand and with the manner of a matter-of-fact smart ass declared, "Technically no, but you left all of us to hide in your own personal world. To celebrate the occasion of your return, I'll treat you to a bacon maple sundae!"

"Ewwww!" Wendy made a face and shook her head in disgust. "Bacon and ice cream? That's gross, Kyle!"

"What? Dude, it's good!"

"You've had it?! But you're Jewish! You can't eat bacon!"

"Please, I only practice Judaism at Hanukkah. I could care less nowadays."

"Doesn't that make you a bad Jew?"

"I never said I was a good one. People just assume for some reason."

"Huh."

As the pair exited the cold necropolis and entered Kyle's vehicle, the still wind stirred to raise the grounded snow into the air. If they had hesitated to leave, they would have noticed the swirling snow take on the faint form of a sad, haggard looking ten year old boy. They also would have heard a faint voice in the wind; a faint, angry child-like voice. If they had been listening closely, the threat it whispered would have sent chills down their spines.


	3. Live and Let Die

**_Chapter Three_**  
 ** _Live and Let Die_**

* * *

EXT. WAREHOUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE  
During the establishing shot, a bustle of activity can be seen happening inside and outside the building. A number of jets can be seen on one side with a fleet of semi trucks on the other. A large mechanical apparatus can be seen rising above the warehouse from behind. Snow falls lightly as the scene cuts to the large apparatus in the rear. A number of individuals in dark blue or black suits can be seen working on it with blowtorches and other similar industrial equipment. Oddly enough, every person has the exact same face and hair. After a moment, a heavyset individual with the same identical features as the others enters the scene and approaches one using a blowtorch.

HEAVYSET VILLAIN:  
Ay! You! Give me an update on the death ray!

BLOWTORCH LACKEY:  
*startled*  
Suh-sir?

HEAVYSET VILLAIN:  
*annoyed*  
Jesus Christ. What kind of evil lackey are you? Stop being so god damn jumpy!

BLOWTORCH LACKEY:  
*salutes*  
Yes, sir! Sorry, sir!

HEAVYSET VILLAIN:  
*rolls eyes*  
Just give me an update, asshole.

BLOWTORCH LACKEY:  
Uh, yeah. We're a little behind schedule, sir.

HEAVYSET VILLAIN:  
And why the fuck is that?

BLOWTORCH LACKEY:  
We can't get the laser timing exact. At the moment it just creates a hologram of Kim Kardashian.

HEAVYSET VILLAIN:  
So, in other words, you're telling me that I've been paying you assholes to maintain a ten million dollar pile of useless shit?!

The BLOWTORCH LACKEY puts up his hands in defense and takes a step closer to the giant apparatus.

BLOWTORCH LACKEY:  
*fearful*  
I- I wouldn't say that…

A clearly pissed off HEAVYSET VILLAIN reaches into his black trench coat.

HEAVYSET VILLAIN:  
*pissed*  
Well… If I can't use this death ray to produce a FUCKING RAY to destroy what I FUCKING WANT, then I'd say it's pretty GOD DAMN USELESS!

BLOWTORCH LACKEY:  
*fearful*  
But we got the DDR for it working!

HEAVYSET VILLAIN:  
DDR?

BLOWTORCH LACKEY:  
*fearful*  
The, uh- The Dance Dance Revolution module…

The HEAVYSET VILLAIN pulls a handgun from within his trench coat and aims at the BLOWTORCH LACKEY's head. When a loud gunshot is heard, the other LACKEYS in the immediate area stop whatever it was they were doing to watch the BLOWTORCH LACKEY fall forward, his brains now covering the large apparatus.

HEAVYSET VILLAIN:  
*shouting*  
Let this be a fucking lesson to you assholes! I will not accept failure! I also don't give a flying FUCK about Dance Dance Revolution! Get this fucking piece of shit working the way it's supposed to fucking work! SOUTH PARK MUST BE WIPED OFF THE FUCKING MAP!

YOUNG BOY:  
*off screen*  
Why?

The HEAVYSET VILLAIN turns around in all directions, all the while waving his gun around.

HEAVYSET VILLAIN:  
*panicked*  
Who the fuck said that?!

YOUNG BOY:  
*off screen*  
Down here, fat ass.

The HEAVYSET VILLAIN looks down at the man he had just killed only to discover the body of ten-year old STAN MARSH. STAN lifts his hole riddled head and looks up.

STAN:  
Cartman, serious question, dude. What happened to you?

CARTMAN:  
*stunned*  
The Jew- They-  
*pissed*  
You're supposed to be dead, asshole!

CARTMAN unloads several more bullets into STAN causing his body to slump back down to the ground in a gory mess.

CARTMAN:  
*deranged*  
Stay dead, asshole! Stop sabotaging what I fucking need to do!

When CARTMAN kicks the body on the ground, it is no longer STAN, but that of the BLOWTORCH LACKEY. He angrily looks around to all of his lackeys.

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
Get back to work, assholes! This ain't no god damned free show! Get that fucking laser operational before they fucking find me and we're all fucking dead!

There is silence for a moment before everyone returns to work. STAN suddenly materializes next to CARTMAN.

STAN:  
Dude! You do realize that you've already killed me, right? Shooting at me isn't going to do you any good.

CARTMAN screams and fires his gun at STAN. The bullet passes through harmlessly and strikes another LACKEY in the stomach, causing him to double over and cough up blood. Several LACKEYS give each other concerned looks. CARTMAN panics for a moment before running away screaming.

STAN:  
*laughs*  
What a retard.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. DENNY'S FAIRPLAY UNDERGROUND - NIGHT  
Establishing shot. Through the windows carved into the stone front, one employee is seen smoking at the only occupied table in the entire restaurant. The young blonde haired boy turns to look out the window when a green sports car pulls up and shuts off its lights.

WENDY:  
*voice over*  
Wow. I haven't been here in a while. This is new. When and why did Denny's move into an underground cave?

KYLE:  
*voice over*  
Actually, I'm not sure. What I do know for certain is that after tonight you may not ever return.

WENDY:  
*voice over*  
What? Why?

The driver's side door opens followed by the passenger's. KYLE and WENDY both step out of the vehicle and walk towards the front doors embedded in the earthen walls.

KYLE:  
Let's just say that the service here sucks.

WENDY:  
*blinks*  
Oh. Then why are we coming here again?

KYLE:  
*shrugs*  
It's the only place open this late at night that serves all-day breakfast.

WENDY:  
*confused*  
Oh…  
*intrigued*  
Oh!

* * *

CUT TO INT. DENNY'S UNDERGROUND FAIRPLAY - DININGROOM  
KENNY, who is wearing an employee uniform, is seated at a booth by the window and smoking. It would appear that he may have been smoking for some time judging from the overflowing ashtray. KENNY raises his hand and grins an excited grin upon seeing KYLE and WENDY.

KENNY:  
Holy shit! The boss's ass actually has a cute chick with him and he brings her here for a date?

WENDY adopts a confused expression while KYLE rolls his eyes in annoyance.

KENNY:  
*cont'd, chuckles*  
You're such a loser, dude.

KYLE:  
*sarcastically*  
Yes, I'm a loser because I walk in with a real girl and you're not because you spend your free time modding dicks into Skyrim.

KENNY:  
*shrugs*  
I'm glad you can admit that.

After KYLE and WENDY have approached the table, KYLE plops down opposite KENNY while WENDY remains awkwardly standing. It is clear that the apron-clad boy has not recognized her.

KYLE:  
Dude, I should probably have a few words with you for smoking in here.

KYLE slides himself over to make room for WENDY to sit.

KENNY:  
*scoffs*  
Seriously, Kyle? My computer's not allowed within forty yards of the store after the porn incident two weeks ago.

WENDY raises an eyebrow.

KENNY:  
*cont'd*  
What am I supposed to do when I have nothing to do? I mean, I know I'm supposed to serve customers…

He takes a drag on his cigarette and gestures to the empty restaurant around them.

KENNY:  
*cont'd*  
…but what customers I'm serving I'd like to know.

KYLE:  
*rolls eyes*  
Whatever, dude. I'm not here to get into this.

KENNY:  
Fine by me.

KENNY leans towards WENDY with a lecherous grin.

KENNY:  
*cont'd, to WENDY*  
What say we ditch this asshole and go make-out in a corner booth?

WENDY raises her other eyebrow.

KYLE:  
*embarrassed*  
Dude!

KENNY:  
Actually, you look familiar… Do I know you?

WENDY:  
*taken aback*  
I…

KYLE:  
Uh, Kenny… This is Wendy…

KENNY:  
Hi, Wendy. Contrary to what Kyle has called me, my name is "All Yours…"

WENDY:  
*taken aback*  
I… Um… Kyle…

KYLE:  
Uh, Kenny, this is Wendy Testaburger. From grade school.

KENNY drops his cigarette in surprise.

KENNY:  
*shocked*  
Testicleburger?! No way… You've filled out nicely over the years.

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!

KYLE:  
Dude, I think that was meant as a compliment. I mean, you are pretty-

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
"Testicleburger" is a compliment?

KENNY taps ash off his cigarette into the nearby ashtray.

KENNY:  
Don't worry about it, Wendy.  
*grins*  
You're an ample bosomed angel sent from above.

WENDY raises an eyebrow again. KENNY rubs the back of his head in embarrassment.

KENNY:  
*cont'd*  
Anyway, sorry I didn't recognize you.

KYLE:  
I know. She looks different without her beret.

WENDY:  
*panicked*  
Oh, god! I think I forgot it!

KYLE:  
It's in the car.

KENNY:  
*snickers*  
Yeah? How'd you lose it in there?

KYLE:  
*facepalms*  
Jesus Christ, Kenny. Get fucking laid already.

KENNY leans back and folds his hands behind his head.

KENNY:  
I get laid every morning after work.

KYLE:  
Sex mods in Skyrim don't count.

WENDY:  
*disgusted*  
Eww…

Cutting to the same table some time later shows that the ash pile in the cheap plastic tray has gotten even larger and spilled out onto a plate that has been placed under said tray. The two Denny's employees are watching in amusement while WENDY dives into a plate of pancakes.

WENDY:  
*blissful*  
Oh, my god… Why didn't anyone tell me that pancakes taste so much better at dinner?!

KENNY:  
You should try a stack after a night of binge drinking and hot sex orgies.

KYLE:  
I still think you should have tried the bacon maple sundae, Wendy.

WENDY grimaces as she shoves a forkful of griddled goodness into her mouth.

WENDY:  
*swallows*  
Um, it's okay, Kyle. Bacon is kind of…gross.

KENNY:  
And when Kyle masturbates his lonely nights away he thinks not of girls with big titties, but of bacon and ice cream.

KENNY's remark prompts laughter from himself while KYLE sulks and WENDY adopts a confused and uncomfortable look.

KENNY:  
*cont'd*  
That sounded almost poetic in a way. I like it!

KYLE:  
At least I didn't get fired from a previous job for having sex with cantaloupes in the cool room.

KENNY:  
*frowns*  
It's not my fault that those melons look like sweet delicious pussies when they're cut in half!

KYLE:  
*facepalms*  
Jesus, Kenny!

KENNY:  
Also, you didn't deny jerking off to bacon.

KYLE:  
Why bother? I've been denying it for two months now and you still insist that I do.

KENNY:  
*winks at WENDY*  
Sorry, man. Didn't mean to embarrass you in front of your new girlfriend here.

WENDY:  
Actually, um…

KENNY:  
How'd you two get together anyway? I mean, Wendy, you just dropped off the face of the Earth years ago and now suddenly here you are!

WENDY:  
I, um, never really left South Park…or my house for that matter. And…  
*swallows, sheepishly*  
…Kyle kind of found me by accident at the cemetery.

KENNY:  
Cemetery? What were you doing there?

WENDY:  
*sadly*  
I, um, don't really want to get into it right now.

KENNY extinguishes his dying cigarette and promptly lights another.

KENNY:  
So, let me get this straight. You've been a house hermit for the last ten years, right?

WENDY:  
I…

WENDY sadly stares down at the table.

WENDY:  
*cont'd, sadly*  
Yeah.

KENNY:  
And the first thing you decided to do was hang out with dead people?

KYLE:  
*tersely*  
Kenny…

KENNY:  
Shit. Get your priorities straight, woman! The first thing you should have done was look for a dick to bounce on.

There is silence for a beat.

KENNY:  
…Or a pussy to lick…depending on your preference.

WENDY:  
How do you know that rotting corpses don't turn me on?

There is another stunned silence before KENNY starts laughing.

KYLE:  
*facepalms*  
Christ Almighty…

KENNY:  
God damn. Lighten up, Kyle.

KENNY takes a drag on his cigarette.

KENNY:  
*cont'd*  
But seriously, Wendy, I'm a little confused here. Of all the places to go after a ten year absence why the cemetery?

WENDY:  
*frowns lopsidedly*  
I…  
*sighs*  
I had to apologize to Stan.

KENNY:  
*puzzled*  
Stan? For what?

WENDY lowers her head.

KYLE:  
Let's just say that she didn't know about what fat fuck had done.

KENNY:  
That diseased cunt? I will fucking make good on my threat if I ever fucking see that fat piece of shit again.

WENDY:  
Where's Cartman now?

KENNY and KYLE share a look before looking back to WENDY.

KENNY:  
No fucking clue.

KYLE:  
Yeah. He hightailed it outta here once it became clear that the rest of the town didn't agree with the court's finding.

KENNY:  
It's ironic that killing two adults and making them into fucking chili to revenge feed to their son doesn't get a second glance, but killing a god damn kid with penicillin for no reason other than to be a fucking dick warrants an uproar.

WENDY:  
So… He's no longer in South Park?

KYLE:  
*shrugs*  
Not that I'm aware of.

KENNY nods in agreement.

KENNY:  
Last I had heard his mom had moved them out to Nebraska or some shit.

KENNY takes a drag and exhales.

KENNY:  
*cont'd*  
Not that I really fucking care about that over-sized gonorrhea infested hog's ass…

WENDY slams her open palms down on the table and leans closer to KENNY.

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
Where at in Nebraska?

KENNY:  
*stunned*  
I…really don't know.

KYLE:  
*raises an eyebrow*  
What does it matter, Wendy? He's no longer here terrorizing us. The last five years have actually been quite peace-

The dark-haired girl grabs KYLE by his collar and pulls his face close to hers. KENNY watches in stunned silence.

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
Peaceful?! I've been in my own personal hell for the last DECADE only to find out that it was all because of some fat fuck who thinks that he's god's gift to the fucking world! I'm not going to fucking let him get away with that! Nobody-  
*shakes KYLE*  
-fucks-  
*again*  
-with Wendy-  
*again*  
-fucking-  
*again*  
-TESTABURGER!

A limp KYLE simply stares back at her in fear. A clump of ash falls off KENNY's cigarette as he watches on in shock.

KENNY:  
*stunned*  
Wow…

* * *

CUT TO EXT. CARTMAN'S WAREHOUSE  
During the establishing shot, it's made clear that the only thing that has changed is the snow coming down at a much faster and harder rate. CARTMAN can be seen at a window overlooking his compound. He turns to walk away.

CUT TO INT. CARTMAN'S WAREHOUSE - CARTMAN'S OFFICE  
CARTMAN is now sitting at his desk and rubbing his temples in a frustrated manner. On the desk to his right is a bottle of scotch and an empty glass. To his left sits a grinning STAN.

STAN:  
So, you gonna tell me, fat ass?

CARTMAN:  
*glances side-long at STAN*  
Go to hell, asshole.

STAN:  
Already been there, dude. Not much different from being stuck here with you, actually.

CARTMAN:  
Then go fucking haunt someone else, Caspar the Douchebag Ghost. I've got things to do hyah.

STAN:  
Not until you tell me why. Why all of this, dude?

CARTMAN suddenly stands, causing his chair to fall to the floor. He stares STAN dead in the eyes.

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
Why? Alright, fine! If it shuts you the fuck up I'll fucking tell you why! Because they all want to kill me! Me, of all people!

STAN:  
Can't say I blame them there.

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
Fuck you! I didn't do anything wrong!

STAN:  
*laughs*  
Yeah. Okay, dude.

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
Asshole! I'm seriously! I did nothing to them!

STAN says nothing, but instead gives CARTMAN a cheeky grin.

CARTMAN:  
They're looking for me! The entire fucking town! They have been for years! So I'll freaking destroy them before they find me!

CARTMAN starts laughing hysterically.

CARTMAN:  
*deranged*  
Especially the Jew and the Pov!

STAN:  
*disbelievingly*  
Uh huh.

CARTMAN:  
*deranged*  
They want to cut my balls off!  
*deranged laughter*  
Not while I still breathe!

STAN:  
Okay. That's great, but you still didn't answer my question.  
*gestures around them*  
Why all of this? What're you hiding from?

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
I just told you why, faggot!

There is a knock on the door before a CARTMAN look-a-like LACKEY pokes his head into the room.

LACKEY:  
Sir? Are you okay? I thought I heard you talking to yourself…?

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
Does it fucking look like I'm okay?!  
*gestures to his left*  
This little fag keeps pestering me and won't go the fuck away!

There is silence for a beat.

LACKEY:  
*concerned*  
Uh, sir…? That's Johnson… You shot him a week ago for the laser death ray not working.

When CARTMAN gives a horrified look to his left, STAN has been replaced with the headless corpse of the BLOWTORCH LACKEY.

CARTMAN:  
*horrified*  
WHAT THE FUCK?!

He roughly shoves the body off his desk.

CARTMAN:  
Jesus fucking Christ! Get some asshole in here to clean up this fucking mess!

After the lackey hurriedly runs away to fulfill his task, CARTMAN pours himself a glass of scotch and downs it in a single gulp.

CARTMAN:  
What the hell is going on hyah?

STAN:  
*off screen*  
I'm still waiting for you to explain that one to me.

When CARTMAN looks up, STAN is once again sitting on the desk.

CARTMAN:  
*panicked*  
But- You- I've already told you what you fucking wanted!

When STAN sadly shakes his head CARTMAN bellows out a frustrated scream.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK MAIN STREET DISTRICT - DAWN  
After the establishing shot of the town sign, KENNY is seen as the only person wandering past the Post Office.

STAN:  
*off screen*  
…Kenny…

KENNY stops in his tracks, stunned.

KENNY:  
*confused*  
What the fuck…?

He looks around, but continues walking when he finds nothing. After a few moments, he stops walking and stares ahead in stunned silence. A translucent STAN can be seen standing at the end of the block. While he isn't looking at KENNY, he seems to be staring intently in some other direction. After a moment, he wanders off in that direction before disappearing. The cigarette in KENNY's mouth falls to the ground, forgotten, as he sprints off to where he saw STAN disappear.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. BROFLOVSKI RESIDENCE - DAWN  
Establishing shot.

CUT TO INT. BROFLOVSKI RESIDENCE - KYLE'S ROOM  
A fully clothed KYLE is sleeping in his bed. After yawning and blinking his eyes a few times he discovers an arm draped across him.

KYLE:  
*hushed*  
What the fuck?

His eyes follow said arm to find WENDY sleeping beside him. He stares at her sleeping form for a moment before gently nudging her awake.

KYLE:  
*hushed*  
Yo. Wake up.

Her eyelids flutter open with a yawn. When she focuses and realizes where she is her face turns bright red in embarrassment. She quickly disengages herself from KYLE and sits up in the bed.

WENDY:  
*hushed*  
Oh, my god. Kyle, I'm so sorry. I must have fallen asleep at your computer again…

KYLE:  
Uh, I hate to break this to you, but this isn't my computer…

WENDY smiles sheepishly and avoids eye contact.

KYLE:  
*grins*  
Dude, this makes three weeks in a row now. Keep this up and both our parents will start to think we're an item. Hell, I might even start to think that.

WENDY:  
*smirks*  
Well, you just keep on-  
*gasps*  
Oh, shit! I didn't tell my parents I would be all night!

KYLE:  
They're probably just happy to see you, y'know, actually leaving the house and interacting with other people.

WENDY:  
Maybe…

There is an awkward silence for a beat.

KYLE:  
So… I take it the search for Cartman is still at zero.

WENDY:  
*sighs*  
I haven't been able to find anything on him, other than an old MySpace account from years ago that still lists South Park as his current location.

KYLE:  
MySpace? That shit hole's still around?

WENDY:  
I had to fight through an ass ton of ads, but yeah.

KYLE:  
Damn…

WENDY:  
I did find something interesting, though… I found a Park County Flume article that briefly glanced over Ms. Cartman dying in a car accident.

KYLE:  
Let me guess; Cartman was mentioned indirectly as a survivor and no other info was given.

WENDY:  
Yeah, no specifics. Then again, the article was five years old, so who knows.

KYLE:  
Sounds like we can possibly rule out Cartman leaving the state. I'll bet he's hiding here in Park County somewhere.

WENDY:  
I just hope that the feelers Kenny put out turn something up.

KYLE:  
Kenny knows a lot of people from just about everywhere. We once took a road trip to the Taste of Chicago and, I shit you not, every rest stop, every gas station, every restaurant, every block we bumped into someone he knew.

WENDY:  
Sounds like he's turned into a real social butterfly.

KYLE:  
*tersely*  
Annoyingly so… How he balances work, his social life, and modding dicks into video games I'll never understand.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK MAIN STREET DISTRICT - DAWN  
KENNY rounds a corner with a frustrated look on his face.

KENNY:  
*hushed*  
Where the fuck are you leading me?

STAN, again, appears at the end of the block and just simply stares up at the signage of a building. The spirit disappears when KENNY reaches the same spot and follows his gaze.

KENNY:  
*confused*  
The old Flume building? Why bring me here?

After receiving no answer, he tries opening the door to no avail.

KENNY:  
Shit. It's locked.

He tries peering through the glass doors.

KENNY:  
Why am I here, Stan?

* * *

CUT TO INT. BROFLOVSKI RESIDENCE - KYLE'S ROOM  
WENDY has joined KYLE at the head of his bed.

WENDY:  
…And everyone else has either moved away or moved on…

KYLE:  
So… What? I'm your last choice as a friend, then?

WENDY:  
Yes. That's precisely why I come over here every day to use your computer to search for fat ass instead of using mine.

KYLE:  
*raises an eyebrow*  
Seriously? You come over here just to use my computer?

WENDY:  
*facepalms*  
Jesus Christ, Kyle. Do I really need to spell it out for you?

KYLE:  
Um… Maybe. However, I am genuinely curious. You haven't said much about any of your other friends other than Bebe being a bitch.

WENDY:  
*horrified*  
She moved to New York to be a model! Of course she's a bitch!  
*downcast*  
And the rest that are still in town act like…I'm some sort of relic from the past. You're the only person in town that doesn't treat me like I'm some kind of…social outcast.

KYLE shrugs.

KYLE:  
I'm a bit of a social outcast myself, so…who am I to judge?

WENDY:  
Well, what I'm trying to say is that you're the only friend I have, Kyle.  
*smiles*  
Thank you.

She kisses him gently on his lips, but fails to pull her head back. There is a pause as the two stare at each other through half-lidded eyes.

KYLE:  
*hushed*  
Wendy…?

WENDY:  
*hushed*  
Kyle…

She squeaks in excitement as she kisses him and pushes him down fully to the bed. As she climbs over top of him, he grabs her ass and roughly pulls her body closer to his. She squeals with a giggle and cradles his head with an arm as he runs a hand through her hair. The two sigh with passion in between kisses.

WENDY:  
*hushed*  
Take me…

KYLE:  
*hushed*  
Where…?

WENDY:  
*hushed*  
Here…

KYLE:  
*hushed*  
Okay…  
*kisses her*  
Here we-  
*kisses her*  
-are.

WENDY:  
*hushed*  
Smart ass.

WENDY giggles and sits up to straddle KYLE's waist. She grins with lust as she grips the hem of her shirt and lifts it up just enough to show her midriff. KYLE chokes as he stares. She giggles again and continues to lift her shirt. Just as she is about to exposing her chest, music suddenly comes from seemingly nowhere. Her shirt falls back down to its natural resting place as she looks around in shock.

KYLE:  
*pissed*  
God dammit!

WENDY:  
What the hell is that?

KYLE, in the meantime, has grabbed his mobile phone and stares at it with a pissed off expression.

KYLE:  
*pissed*  
Popular 8-Bit Action RPG, but why the fuck would Kenny-?

WENDY:  
*raises an eyebrow*  
And THAT'S your ringtone…?

KYLE:  
*defensively*  
Like I said-  
*normal, into the phone*  
Dude, this had better be-  
*pauses*  
Wait! Slow down! You saw who?!  
*pauses*  
That's impossible!

WENDY:  
*confused*  
What's going on?

KYLE:  
*holds up a finger*  
Dude! Calm down! We'll come to you! Where are you?

KYLE lowers the phone from his ear and stares intently at WENDY.

KYLE:  
Well. This is quite interesting…

* * *

CUT TO EXT. THE PARK COUNTY FLUME BUILDING - MORNING  
KYLE, WENDY, and KENNY are standing outside the building looking up at the dilapidated signage.

KYLE:  
Doesn't look like this place has been in use for awhile.

WENDY:  
Are you sure of what you saw, Kenny?

KENNY:  
*flicks away a cigarette*  
One hundred percent. I haven't seen anything out of the ordinary since I was led here…except for the two guys I saw fucking in the warehouse across the street.

WENDY:  
*disgusted*  
Ew!

KENNY:  
My question is "why was I led here".

WENDY:  
It might have something to do with that article I found online.

KYLE:  
It's possible. They moved locations… What? Three years ago?

KENNY:  
Four.

KYLE:  
Yeah. So maybe they left something behind that might give us some answers.

WENDY:  
But how does Stan fit into all of this and why would he lead us here?

KENNY wanders off towards the back of the building.

KYLE:  
Good question, but I have a better one. How are we getting in?

WENDY shrugs.

KENNY:  
*off screen*  
Tire iron.

KYLE and WENDY share a confused glance with each other.

* * *

CUT TO INT. THE PARK COUNTY FLUME BUILDING  
A boarded up window suddenly explodes with fragmented wood and light from the outside. KENNY tosses his makeshift weapon of destruction through the window and climbs through. KYLE enters second and leans back through to give WENDY a helping hand. He catches her when she stumbles into him. KENNY raises an eyebrow as the two stare at each other.

KENNY:  
If you guys wanna fuck, I have no qualms watching.

WENDY:  
*coughs*  
Awfully dusty in here.

KYLE:  
No kidding.

She kisses him on the cheek and the two separate. Both KYLE and KENNY bring out their mobile phones to use as makeshift flashlights as they look around. The room is filled to the brim with dusty desks, cardboard boxes stacked to the ceiling, and several giant plastic storage tubs.

KENNY:  
Okay, we're in. Any idea of what to look for?

WENDY:  
We can start with anything relating to Cartman and/or Stan.

KYLE:  
Hopefully we can find something. I mean, this looks like it'll be a needle in a haystack or something.

KENNY shrugs and moves to the nearest desk to rummage through. KYLE and WENDY wander to a stack of boxes and search through the papers they find. One fade cut later finds the room partially turned upside down. WENDY is quickly going through another stack of papers in the dim light of KYLE's phone.

KYLE:  
Dude, hurry up! I don't think my phone has much of a charge left.

WENDY:  
I can't hurry the evi-

She suddenly squeals in delight and takes the paper in her hands to the nearby desk.

KYLE:  
Did you find something?

WENDY:  
I think so! Gimme some light, please!

The two boys stand behind her as she scans the information before her.

KENNY:  
Well?

WENDY:  
This is the same article I found on the internet last night, except…

KYLE:  
Except, what?

WENDY:  
It's…different. Much different.

There is silence for a beat.

KENNY:  
Then it's not really the same, is it?

KYLE:  
*pissed*  
Kenny, knock-  
*normal*  
Actually, he does have a point.

WENDY:  
Fine. Whatever. Either way, there's more information here.

KENNY:  
Don't leave us hanging, lady.

WENDY:  
The Cartmans were apparently leaving South Park by route 285. They were involved in an accident when…a semi suddenly lost control…and crashed headlong into them.

She looks back at KYLE with a look of shock.

WENDY:  
Oh, my god…

KYLE/KENNY:  
Holy shit…

KYLE:  
We already know that Cartman's mom died in the accident. Is Cartman mentioned?

WENDY:  
Apparently, he suffered several severe injuries, including head trauma. He was taken to Hell's Pass Hospital along with several others who were involved.

KENNY:  
*shocked*  
Wait. I remember that accident!

KYLE:  
Wasn't it the worst vehicular accident in the history of Park County?

KENNY:  
Why don't I remember hearing about it involving Cartman?

WENDY:  
The date on this paper is two days prior the one I saw online. I wonder if it was covered up to prevent blood hungry people, like us, from finishing the job the semi started.

KYLE:  
It's…possible. I just don't understand how this was managed to be kept from us and why.

KENNY:  
Who wrote the article? Maybe we can get more info from them.

WENDY:  
*reading*  
Betsy Donovan.

KYLE:  
Clyde's mom?

KENNY:  
*disappointed*  
Ah, fuck.

WENDY:  
*confused*  
What? What's wrong?

KYLE:  
Clyde's mom died a few years ago. I don't remember the details, but I know it was pretty gruesome.

KENNY:  
Her insides got sucked out through the toilet.

WENDY:  
Ew!

KYLE:  
*sighs*  
Thanks, Kenny. I was trying to forget that.

KENNY:  
*smirks*  
No probs.

WENDY:  
What now?

KENNY lights up a cigarette.

KENNY:  
It's a long shot, but maybe we'll find something at the hospital.

KYLE and WENDY share a look.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. CARTMAN'S WAREHOUSE  
CARTMAN is seen looking out the window of his office at the bustle of activity around the giant death ray below. He grins almost psychotically before laughing.

CARTMAN:  
*deranged*  
It's almost finished. It's almost finished!

STAN comes up beside CARTMAN and looks down as well.

STAN:  
So, you ever going to tell me what this is all for?

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
I'm not goin' to let you fuck up this happy moment for me, asshole.

STAN:  
You really don't have a clue, do you…?

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
What the fuck you on about, hippie?

STAN:  
You honestly have no idea what's going on.

CARTMAN:  
All I know is that I've waited a long fucking time for this!

STAN:  
Yeah? How long?

There is a silence as CARTMAN's expression goes from triumphant to confused to suddenly worried.

CARTMAN:  
It doesn't matter!

STAN:  
I thought so, fat ass.

CARTMAN:  
Shuh-shut up!

STAN:  
So, can you tell me where we're at?

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
My super secret ba-

STAN:  
I mean, where at in Colorado?

CARTMAN is silent.

STAN:  
*cont'd*  
Dude, are we even in Colorado?

CARTMAN:  
I-

STAN:  
Actually, this has been bugging the crap outta me. Why does everyone look like you? Sound like you?

CARTMAN:  
When they joined my organization they had to-

STAN:  
They look like you because you love yourself, right?

CARTMAN:  
Well, if you knew that then why the fuck did you ask it, hippie?

STAN:  
Because I'm trying to figure out why the hell you're still here, butt-pirate.

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
I'm still here because I employ fucking idiots that can't build something as simple as a god damn death ray.

STAN plants his face in his palm.

STAN:  
You need to let go of whatever it is that's keeping you here, dude, because I can't move on until you freaking do.

CARTMAN:  
*tersely*  
I'm not leaving until this death ray obliterates the Jew and the Pov.

STAN:  
Why?

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
Is that the only god damn word you know how to use?

STAN:  
Just answer the question, fat ass.

CARTMAN:  
*tersely*  
Fine. Those motherfuckers accused me of murder.

STAN:  
Who was murdered?

There is a silence.

STAN:  
*pissed*  
Who, Cartman?

CARTMAN looks down to his feet.

STAN:  
*cont'd*  
And who was the murderer?

CARTMAN:  
*pauses*  
…I was.

STAN:  
Not really an accusation when it's true, is it?

Silence.

STAN:  
*cont'd*  
You remember why you did it?

CARTMAN:  
*slowly*  
I… I thought it'd be funny…

STAN:  
It wasn't, was it?

CARTMAN:  
*chuckles*  
It kinda was.

STAN:  
Was it funny when your mom died?

CARTMAN:  
*pauses*  
My mom's not dead, asshole.

STAN:  
I'll fill you in on a little secret, dude. I didn't find it funny when I caused that accident that took your mom's life.

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
You WHAT?!

STAN:  
It's just frustrating that it was her that died and not you. She was really nice for a hermaphalite crack whore.

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
You killed my mom?!

STAN:  
*tersely*  
And get used to the idea that Kyle, Kenny, and Wendy are coming to see you.

CARTMAN:  
*shocked*  
What?! They found me?!

They both turn around when a door is heard opening. Three silhouettes are seen in the bright light coming from the doorway.

STAN:  
*waves*  
Hey, guys.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. HELL'S PASS HOSPITAL  
Establishing shot.

CUT TO INT. HELL'S PASS HOSPITAL  
KYLE, KENNY, and WENDY are following an elderly NURSE down the hallway.

NURSE:  
I have to say, I'm very surprised. Poor Eric's been here for going on five years now and you're the first folk to inquire about him.

KYLE:  
We only just discovered that he was even here. If we had known we would have been here sooner.

NURSE:  
It was such a sad time then. I remember the mayor had his existence here covered up because she was afraid that someone would attempt to break in here and shoot up the place.

The three teens share a glance with each other.

WENDY:  
Why would someone do that?

NURSE:  
Supposedly, he was accused of murderin' a little boy ten years ago. She was afraid that someone would attempt to take misguided revenge on him.

KYLE:  
Huh. I didn't know that.

NURSE:  
Most folks don't. It's such a shame. Lost his momma in the same accident that almost killed him. Such a sweet little boy doesn't deserve what he was dealt.

KENNY raises an eyebrow. When they stop at a door labeled with the number 219, the NURSE puts a hand on the doorknob and turns to regard the teens.

NURSE:  
Actually, I'm not supposed to let anyone in to see him ceptin' the doctors, but he needs friends like you if he's ever to recover.

WENDY:  
What's exactly wrong with him?

* * *

CUT TO EXT. CARTMAN'S WAREHOUSE CARTMAN lands on the ground stomach first with a loud thud. Broken pieces of glass rain down around him.

CARTMAN:  
*panicked, pained*  
Fuck! They found me! They found me!

He gets to his feet and limps/runs towards the giant death ray mechanism.

CARTMAN:  
*shouting*  
Fire the death ray! Fire the death ray!

As he runs past, two LACKEYS turn to look at each other.

LACKEY 1:  
Did he just say…?

LACKEY 2:  
I think so.

LACKEY 1:  
But it's not ready yet! There's no telling what could happen!

LACKEY 2:  
You want to end up like Johnson? Just do it!

LACKEY 1:  
Alright! Alright!

* * *

CUT TO INT. HELL'S PASS HOSPITAL - CARTMAN'S ROOM  
KYLE, KENNY, and WENDY stand around the bed that contains the emaciated and broken body of Eric CARTMAN. Several scars litter his face, head, and exposed upper body giving him an almost medical experiment gone wrong sort of look. He lacks a right arm and several fingers on his left hand. While his eyes are wide open, he seems oblivious to any and all stimuli as drool collects at the corner of his mouth.

KYLE:  
*stunned*  
Wow. A waking coma and life support… I never thought I'd see this.

KENNY:  
*frowns*  
I actually think this is worse than what I promised him.

WENDY:  
*shocked*  
Are you guys serious? This- This is fucking Cartman! He killed Stan! Think back on all the times that he made fun of us for being Jewish, poor, and smart! This asshole doesn't deserve the life support he's on!

KENNY:  
I agree.

KYLE:  
So do I, but Wendy, you need to think of it like this: if we kill him now, we'll be doing him a favor. We'll be ending his misery, if he even feels any at all.

WENDY:  
Yeah, but-

KYLE:  
The best course of action is to just leave him here in a state somewhere between life and death. He deserves neither and I'm not going to be the one to give him either.

KENNY:  
I also agree to that.

WENDY:  
And if he wakes up? Then what?

There is a small silence as KYLE and KENNY regard each other.

WENDY:  
Kyle, do you want to go back to listening to him rant on about how evil the Jews are? Kenny, how about another joke about waffle and bologna sandwiches?

KYLE/KENNY:  
No.

WENDY:  
Do you want to put up with his bull shit later when or if he recovers or kill him now when it'd be considered a morally acceptable mercy killing and cement a continued future of peace without him?

KYLE:  
I…didn't consider that.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. CARTMAN'S WAREHOUSE  
CARTMAN has been backed into a corner. Blood is dripping from the corner of his mouth. His right arm hangs limply by his side and several fingers on his left are bent in several odd angles.

CARTMAN:  
*panicked*  
You won't fucking get away with this, assholes!

Fifteen year old versions of KYLE and KENNY, as well as nine year old WENDY, laugh devilishly.

KYLE15:  
*pissed*  
What do you think we should do, guys?

KENNY15 mutters something under his scarf. WENDY9 cracks her knuckles.

WENDY9:  
*pissed*  
I agree. I say we rip off his balls and make him eat them.

KYLE15:  
*grins psychotically*  
I like that idea.

CARTMAN:  
*panicked*  
Seriously, guys, what the fuck?!

WENDY9:  
*pissed*  
You killed Stan, asshole!

KYLE15:  
*pissed*  
If I have to suffer one more accusation about the Jews-!

KENNY15 angrily mutters something.

KYLE15:  
*pissed*  
Yeah! And Kenny's family eats more than just waffles, fat ass!

CARTMAN:  
*panicked*  
Where's my fucking death ray?!

Suddenly, an ear piercing mechanical whine fills the air that causes everyone to cover their ears in pain. CARTMAN laughs while doubled over.

CARTMAN:  
*shouting*  
Target these assholes!

There is a bright flash of light and suddenly a gigantic hologram of Kim Kardashian appears only to begin destroying everything in sight.

WENDY9:  
*shouting*  
What the fuck kind of death ray is that?!

KENNY15 screams something and points up just as a giant foot crushes the three kids in to a bloody mess. CARTMAN cheers as the Kardashian hologram roars loudly like a Godzilla monster.

CARTMAN:  
*cheering*  
Yeah! Take that, you sons of bitches!

He looks up when a shadow suddenly covers him. He opens his mouth to scream when suddenly it cuts to black and everything ceases to silence.

* * *

CUT TO INT. HELL'S PASS HOSPITAL - CARTMAN'S ROOM  
The three teens are standing around CARTMAN's bed and staring at his body somewhat remorsefully. WENDY drops the power cable for the life support machine to the floor.

WENDY:  
*puzzled*  
Is…anyone else wondering why he suddenly said "Kim Kardashian, no"?

KYLE:  
A little, but I think some things are best left unknown.

KENNY nods and goes to light up a cigarette, but instead leaves it unlit. WENDY continues to stare at the lifeless body in the bed.

KYLE:  
So…

WENDY:  
I don't feel anything.

KYLE:  
Are you okay?

WENDY:  
No, I mean…I thought I'd feel some kind of satisfaction with the knowledge that I had a hand in his death. Instead I feel…nothing.

KYLE:  
Nothing?

WENDY:  
No happiness. No remorse. No guilt. Just…

KYLE:  
Nothing.

WENDY:  
Yeah…

KENNY:  
I hate to say it, but Cartman's death changes nothing for us. He'd been out of our lives for a very long time…along with Stan.

WENDY:  
*downcast*  
I know, but I was hoping that something would be different afterward. I mean, he was such an asshole causing grief for everyone so I should feel happiness in taking his miserable existence. But I should feel guilt in that he was unable to defend himself in his final moment. Instead I get…nothing.

KYLE:  
I almost think that the lesson to be learned from this is that revenge is an empty gesture with nothing to be gained from it.

KENNY:  
Not always, Kyle, but in this situation I'll buy it.

There is silence for moment before WENDY nods her head.

WENDY:  
Yeah. I guess so. I'm certainly not getting my lost time back. And Stan…

KYLE and KENNY share a somber look.

KYLE:  
Come on. We should probably get out of here before someone comes to investigate.

There is another silent moment before the three walk out of the room.

WENDY:  
*off screen*  
I need some ice cream…and a lot of it.

KYLE:  
*off screen*  
There's always the bacon maple sundae!

STAN appears at the foot of CARTMAN's bed and stares sadly at the door the three had just vacated.

WENDY:  
*off screen, faintly*  
Ewww! Bacon is gross, Kyle!

KENNY:  
*off screen, faintly*  
I bet you'd eat Kyle's bacon, right?

WENDY:  
*off screen, faintly*  
Actually…yes. I would have already if you hadn't interrupted this morning.

KYLE:  
*off screen, faintly*  
Dude!

STAN regards CARTMAN one final time before he sighs and fades from view.

KENNY:  
*off screen, faintly*  
Did you see some big titties, Kyle?

KYLE:  
*off screen, faintly*  
Dude!

STAN:  
*voice over*  
If only Kyle realized just how right he was. I played them all to have Cartman killed, thinking that his life was stopping me from moving on. Turns out I had never been more wrong. I'm still here, stuck between life and death, and I don't understand why.

The CAMERA focuses on the deceased CARTMAN before the scene fades to black.

STAN:  
*voice over*  
Tell me, is there any way I can start this over?


	4. A Link to the Past

_**Chapter Four  
**_ _ **A Link to the Past**_

* * *

Kyle Broflovski startled himself awake with a stifled cry. The first thing he noticed was that he was swimming in a cold and wet pool of drool. The second thing he noticed, as he grunted in disgust and attempted to clean himself off, was that it was way too freaking early. As in it was so early that dawn hadn't cracked yet. The third thing he noticed really wasn't something he noticed, but more something that he felt. The atmosphere was off. His room, while not having changed since he went to bed, felt different; almost as if it hadn't been in this state when he had fallen asleep a few hours prior. Also, there was a strange taste of bacon in his mouth. He wasn't sure if he should have been excited or concerned about that.

A headache broadcast pictures in his head; images, feelings, and knowledge all rolled into one. He, Kenny, and Wendy were adults. Stan was dead and buried. Cartman had been seriously broken beyond repair. Kyle shook his head violently like a wet dog and attempted to sort through the fog in his mind. Doing so, however, was proving to be a fruitless effort, much like trying to sail the briny seas on a foggy night with no moon or stars for guidance. He removed himself from his bed and, after finding his center of gravity to not be where his subconscious remembered it being, tumbled to the floor with a stifled grunt. Yes, his initial feelings were gearing up to be correct. Something was wrong with reality as he knew it, but he couldn't figure out what it was. It was almost like trying to watch someone's hair grow in real time. It was almost like he had been here in this moment of time once before.

Thinking a walk around the town would do him good, Kyle slipped out of his house undetected and wandered the night. From Stark's Pond to Tom's Rhinoplasty to Old Denkin's farm he aimlessly tread ground lost in thought. Along the way something caught his eye; the Park County Flume. As he stared at the signage in the silver moonlight, he wondered when they had fixed the building up and moved back in. Immediately after, it popped into his head that the building had never been abandoned and certainly didn't look the part. That thought was quickly buried in the dirt when he remembered catching Wendy when she tumbled through a window. A smile formed in between the warm spots on his cheeks for the briefest of moments. Except how could the girl from his dreams have been Wendy? For a start she had been way too tall. Secondly, she had been way too old. Lastly but not leastly, this girl's...boobs had been way too big and squishy. The warm spots on his cheeks were suddenly burning with that thought.

The situation at Denkin's farm had been even more confusing. All around the pasture, dead and mutilated cows littered the grounds as if Barnyard Hitler had committed bovine genocide. Pieces here, pieces there. Here a piece. There a piece. Everywhere a piece of a piece. As he leaned up against the rough and weathered wooden fencing, Kyle was almost half expecting a cow with a swastika armband to come marching out of a barn yelling hateful remarks in German. After a quarter of an hour of waiting, to his relief, it never happened. He silently wondered what Wendy would have thought of that imaginary scene. He also questioned when he started giving a rat's ass about what that crazy bitch thought.

On the way back to his house, Kyle suddenly found himself outside the South Park cemetery, rooted in place like a statue made of stone. Something inside was beckoning him, enticing him like a siren; its identity falling just short of a mystery. He stared at the entrance gate with an eyebrow raised in confusion. Part of him wanted to enter as if it was something that he had done regularly in the past, while the other half pouted in the corner in a tantrum. There was no reason for him to enter this creepy plot of enclosed land; his family was interred in Jersey. Yet the compulsion to enter seemed to enter his very fabric of existence. He had a reason to enter. What that reason was just escaped him at the moment.

Kyle was about to reach for the gate when a young female voice from off to the side nearly scared the crap out of him. Nearly literally. Upon investigation he found standing behind him Wendy Testaburger, former girlfriend of Stan's. Like Kyle, she was dressed in her night clothes and wore about her face a mask of confusion. Two things suddenly flashed through his mind upon seeing her. One, he wanted to embrace her in an energetic hug and be thankful that she was here. Two, he wanted to inquire why she was present here in the snarkiest of tones that he could muster. In the end, the final result ended up being a slight combination of the two; a question of why she was present without the snark or the embrace. The concept of the two of them meeting here in the middle of the night, in pajamas even, was odd and a very strange coincidence if it could be called that. Kyle definitely wanted to say that it certainly was that indeed, but Wendy's response made him rethink the situation.

"I don't know, Kyle," she spoke rather hoarsely, as if she had been sleeping with her mouth open and hadn't regained elasticity in her voice box. "I'm going to go out on a whim and assume that since you're here something doesn't seem right in the world to you too?"

It was funny that she had asked him that question. He had been thinking it since he woke up. No, funny was the wrong word. Ironic? No, no. The only irony here was the composition of the cemetery gate. Coincidental was probably the best fit, but even that didn't feel perfect. Actually, thinking about it further, he realized what was ironic here was the fact that just a few weeks prior he had been right there with Stan in hating this girl. Yet, now he just wanted to embrace her in a big hug and kiss her. His mental thoughts kept flip-flopping between "Hell yes!" and "Fucking gross, dude!" The whole thing was deeply weird and confusing. He wanted to mention it as something he felt was wrong, but didn't want to come across as weird or creepy, not that hanging out at a cemetery in the middle of the night was normal or anything. Instead he settled with, "Funny you mention that, dude. I feel like I should be taller."

"Me too," she said with the same raspy voice and a nod. She cupped her chest with her hands and muttered, "Also, I feel like my boobs should be bigger."

The two laughed nervously at the remark, almost like two old friends who hadn't been in contact for a very long period of time and were trying to get a feel of new inter-personal boundaries. Secretly, Kyle agreed with Wendy's observation, but really didn't know why he agreed or even why he cared at all. The conversation continued, albeit slowly and in a slightly awkward fashion, mostly about why they had arrived at this location at the same time. Wendy's dream was so similar to Kyle's own that it was very hard to consider that a coincidence. Only when she brought up the idea that something greater could have been at work did things start to click in his head. Nothing definite, but certainly worth discussing later.

The conversation ended, much to Kyle's disappointment, without any sort of mention of a mutual attraction between them. He wondered if perhaps it was all in his head. He didn't get a chance to wonder any more than that before Wendy grabbed his hand and pulled him into the cemetery. At her touch he choked with a tiny cough as his heart cut in line and got on the elevator to his stomach. Through the misty moon brightened landscape they traveled, hand in hand Kyle noted with a mix of excitement and a cringe, and stopped at various headstones to read the names engraved on them. Several seemed familiar to Kyle, enough to prompt him to say so, despite not knowing who these people were or even hearing of them before.

Occasionally, Wendy remarked on either the age of the stone or the deceased underneath it, but this conversation barely registered with Kyle. He was too focused on what was transpiring in his head. One part of him wanted to hate this bitch for all she was worth over what she did to Stan. The other part wanted to follow the path of the strange new emotions that were bubbling up stronger and stronger the longer he was in her presence. It was a war and there was no knowing which side would win. Although, he had an idea. The expression that flashed briefly on her face when she thought he wasn't looking seemed to be a carbon copy of confusion he imagined his own looked like to her. Plus, she kept staring at him out of the corner of her eye. It wasn't a bad or an angry stare, just a stare. He was tempted to ask her about it, but came to the conclusion that graveyards were not the proper areas for such discussions...unless you were into that sort of thing.

Eventually the two came to a stop at a stone that caused the air around them to become heavy and oppressing. A feeling of déjà vu washed over him as Kyle read the words out loud. "Here lies Stan Marsh. Sleep well, little child, for the Lord holds thee now." There was no mistaking the big letters carved into the stone. He read it aloud several more times just to make sure he wasn't seeing things. The moment of surprise passed leaving a feeling that this was how it always had been. After sharing a look with Wendy and turning back to the grave, the epitaph disappeared as if it had never existed. They stood there staring for some time; neither daring to move; both trying to make sense of what they had just witnessed. This sealed the deal for Kyle. This was no coincidence.

Wendy was the first to break the solemn silence. "You know, I never apologized to him," she said as she trailed her fingers across the now smooth stone face. Kyle knew that the "him" in question she referred to was Stan. While the break up was recent in terms of a few weeks, the way she spoke gave him the impression that what she was referencing happened years ago.

He gave her hand a slight reassuring squeeze as if he had done it before. This action greatly confused him. "Maybe you should," he said softly, "You might live to regret it if you don't." For some reason, he got the impression that she had already lived quite a while in that very scenario. Her smile and weak nod screamed it in volumes. Not long afterward, the hand holding graduated to an arm around her back and her head resting on his shoulders.

As the Sun attempted to play peek-a-boo behind the pink and orange horizon, Kyle and Wendy both agreed that the time to return to their respective homes was right. Again, Kyle noted that they made the trek through the town hand in hand, not that he minded of course. They reached the end of her driveway just as the world started to adopt a rich dark golden glow. Instead of saying good night and going their separate ways as they initially intended, the two found themselves staring intently at each other. Kyle, for the most part, was unable to pry his gaze from the early morning sun glistening in her hair. He was two minds of that. One, this was not like him in any way, shape, or form. Two, he wanted to touch it. It looked soft and silky. His gaze slid down and then focused on her lips. They, too, needed to be touched. He silently wondered if they were as soft as he...remembered? Dreamed? He still couldn't figure out which to apply to the whole situation. His concentration broke just long enough to hear her whisper, "Kyle, I think we need to talk."

He managed to break away to her eyes just long enough to respond with, "Is this about how we should probably not mention this to anyone as it would be hard to explain and probably make us look crazy?" Confusion set in when the response he was waiting for didn't happen right away. All that occurred was a stare. A very hungry stare. It was almost like she wanted to eat him, yet was sad about it at the same time. Were cannibals ever sad?

Kyle would have normally hoped that she wasn't a cannibal, but his thoughts were interrupted when Wendy suddenly gripped him by the shoulders and muttered, "I'm going to go crazy if I don't do this!" Before he could even get a chance to feel weirded out or respond in any sort of way, her lips locked on his with precision accuracy. A myriad of emotions swirled about, ranging from absolute bliss never wanting to end to blind horror wanting to force this bitch off and throw her to the snow.

As quick as it began, the kiss ended leaving the two of them staring at each other and Kyle's mouth slightly agape. As he stared into her eyes, a realization dawned on him. They'd done that before and that was impossible. He had never kissed her before. Not as a kid, a voice in his head replied. He didn't get a chance to ponder things further before he found himself shoved to the ground with Wendy firmly planting herself directly on top of him. He managed to choke out a "What are you doing?" before he found his mouth a victim of an onslaught of kissing. Without even thinking, he found himself pulling her closer to him by the waist. No resistance was offered as little squeaking noises floated on the air from her throat. Kyle found it slightly cute.

As the two of them lost steam, the mouth exercising stopped and turned into a tightly bound embrace. Wendy rubbed her bright red cheek against Kyle's, her hair tickling his nose. "Oh, Kyle," she sighed quietly, "I don't know... I just..." She paused to collect her thoughts. "I just had this feeling that I had been wanting to do this for a while."

"Like an unrequited love from a past life sort of thing?" Wendy lifted her head to stare at him. She appeared confused by Kyle's question until he brushed hair away from her face and by proxy his. She leaned into his hand with a look of happiness. The kissing started again, this time more ferocious than the last. A small part of Kyle wondered when and how the cannibal Wendy would eat his lips and tongue. That idea vanished when he was able to feel wetness on his cheeks. He stopped her ministrations and brushed the tears from her eyes.

"Are you okay, Wendy?" he whispered softly. "I mean, I know this is sudden and a little weird, but..."

She shushed him with a finger and a melancholy smile. "I'm just...confused..." she replied with just enough volume to be barely audible. "I have so many conflicting emotions right now. I feel like...I'm a grown woman trapped in a little girl's body." She appeared to grow uncomfortable as Kyle studied her face for answers. He knew how she felt. Maybe not to the same degree, but their experiences thus far had been so similar that he couldn't discount anything. "I'm sorry," she stammered, "I'm not making any sense, am I?"

Kyle shook his head and squeezed her comfortably with a hug. "No, it does," he countered. "Well, kind of anyway. I feel like I've lived a past life before or something like that. I've never felt like that before in my life until now."

"What does this mean for us, Kyle?"

"I dunno..."

When the Testaburger adults started to make themselves known to the world with lights and noise, Wendy cursed and kissed Kyle quickly on the cheek. "We need to go before my parents find us out here." He nodded in agreement despite wanting to spend his time with her. The two brought themselves to their feet and gave a final hug farewell. However, before he could say goodbye, he felt a sharp pain in his shoulder and cried out in surprise. It took a moment for him to realize that she had slugged him. "That's for letting Stan throw water balloons on me, asshole." She gave him a final kiss and left him standing at the bottom of the drive with promises of seeing him later and a head full of confusion over what had just transpired.

Later that day, true to her word the two crossed paths and, with a highly abridged version of that morning's events, talked Stan out of going to Cartman's and instead to visit the unmarked grave at the cemetery. It was there he commented on an overwhelming feeling of unexplained sadness and anger. It was then, at Kyle's urging, that Wendy apologized for, what she called, a huge mistake. Stan accepted the apology with a hug and a stern demand of just wanting to remain friends. Kyle smirked on the inside. It was just as well. He kind of got the impression that Wendy wasn't interested in rekindling their relationship anyway.

At the end of the day, before the two separated towards their respective homes, Kyle and Wendy agreed not to discuss the strangeness of the morning to anyone else, at least not in great detail. No one needed to hear the whole story. People would just think the two of them were bat-shit insane. However, Kyle thought, if someone were to wake up suddenly with a feeling that they had lived their life before with a constant state of déjà vu they might just be a little on the crazy side. What drove him, though, was that he had no answers for why it happened or really what it was. He promised himself one thing, he was going to find out what it was that was linking him to the past. Or the future. Or whatever.


	5. The Dead Babies in a Phone Booth Joke

_**Chapter Five**_  
 _ **The Dead Babies in a Phone Booth Joke**_

* * *

FADE IN EXT. TESTABURGER RESIDENCE - DAY  
Establishing shot.

CUT TO INT. TESTABURGER RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM  
WENDY is sitting on the couch watching TV. The front of the television is never seen.

NEWSCASTER TOM:  
-where another cow apparently exploded on the governor in a huge gory mess. We'll have more on the story after these words from our sponsors.

WENDY:  
*raises an eyebrow*  
Huh.

TV:  
Are you trying for a little bundle of joy and just can't get pregnant? Have we got news for you!

WENDY:  
*disgusted*  
Eww! No!

The sound of the channel changing is heard.

MARTHA STUART:  
-doesn't have to be so drab and boring! The best and most inexpensive way to make breast feeding in public more appealing to the eye is to take some ribbon and glitter-

WENDY:  
*disgusted*  
Oh, my god! Gross!

The channel changes and WENDY's face becomes absolutely horrified.

TV:  
-as you can see within the incision of the mother's womb that the baby would never have fit through the vaginal canal sideways.

WENDY:  
*horrified*  
Oh, my god!

TV:  
And it's a nose-less cyclops baby! Look its horn and bright red skin!

WENDY:  
*screams*  
Fucking gross!

The TV shuts off.

WENDY:  
*disgusted*  
Pregnancy is so disgusting! Why the fuck would anyone want to go through THAT?!

After a moment, WENDY answers the phone when it rings.

WENDY:  
Hello?

On the other end, MRS. TESTABURGER is holding the phone to her ear with a shoulder while driving.

MRS. TESTABURGER:  
Hi, sweetheart. Real quick, I just wanted to remind you that we're not getting any younger here and that you need to find yourself a man.

WENDY:  
*confused*  
I'm nine. What's the rush?

MRS. TESTABURGER:  
Yes, dear, you keep saying that, but Mommy wants grandchildren, sweetie.

WENDY:  
But-

MRS. TESTABURGER:  
No, buts. Get that nice Marsh boy to father us some grandkids.

WENDY screams and throws the phone across the room. It lands somewhere with the sounds of breaking glass.

MRS. TESTABURGER:  
*as a tinny faint voice*  
Young lady, that better not have been my china cabinet.

WENDY screams again before waking up on the couch. She blinks in confusion before rubbing her eyes.

WENDY:  
I really need to get out of the house more often.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY  
Establishing shot.

CUT TO INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - FOURTH GRADE CLASSROOM  
MR. GARRISON is writing the words "Child Development" on the chalkboard.

MR. GARRISON:  
Okay, class. Can anyone tell me what child development is?

The room is silent.

MR. GARRISON:  
Clyde? How about you?

CLYDE:  
Um, isn't that where they make people into robots?

MR. GARRISON:  
No, that's cyborg development, dumbass. Nice try.  
*pauses*  
Kenny?

KENNY:  
[Is that when a man puts his penis in a vagina?]

MR. GARRISON:  
Good guess, Kenny, but no. We'll be covering that in photography class next week.

STAN:  
Is Cartman's mom posing nude for pictures?

The class laughs.

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
Ay! I'll kick you in the balls, hippie!

MR. GARRISON:  
*snickering*  
All right, calm down, tubby.

CARTMAN grunts.

MR. GARRISON:  
Anyway, class, child development is a new curricular that will enlighten you on how to take care of your unplanned newborn children when you all get drunk or high within the next few years and decide to have that unprotected sex you'll learn about from that Hannah Montana skank you're all so crazy for.

The class is silent and possibly a little confused.

MR. GARRISON:  
This is a mandatory curricular-

The class groans as a collective whole.

MR. GARRISON:  
Yes, mandatory! -that will have you working together with your partner in caring for a creepy lifeless looking doll that wets itself when you pour water down its throat like that bottle of Jack Daniels that you'll be driven to after the first day.

WENDY angrily raises her hand.

MR. GARRISON:  
Yes, Wendy?

WENDY:  
Mr. Garrison, I fail to see why this should be mandatory. What if some of us don't want to be involved with children?

MR. GARRISON:  
It's mandatory because half the class is full of girls.

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
What does that have to do with anything?!

MR. GARRISON:  
I'm sorry, Wendy, but it has everything to do with it. All you women do once you hit thirteen is shoot babies out your poontangs like it's some kind of sport, comparing your amount of time in labor and facts about your dumbass kids like retard old men spouting off sports statistics.

WENDY:  
But that's precisely why I'm not interested!

MR. GARRISON:  
I don't care if you're interested or not. I mean, do you really think I want to teach you retards this? I don't know anything about babies. I have freaky gay sex every night with hot anonymous partners in a truck stop men's room.

KENNY:  
*hushed*  
[Only thing you get from that is the white diarrhea.]

STAN, KYLE, and KENNY stifle a laugh.

CARTMAN:  
*hushed*  
I don't get it.

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
But, Mr. Garrison-

MR. GARRISON:  
For God's sake, Wendy! Just shut the hell up and learn to take it up the ass like the rest of us!

There is a moment of silence as WENDY seethes at her desk.

MR. GARRISON:  
Speaking of taking it, here's who you're all partnered with. Now we have an odd number of students in the class and I've paired you all "randomly" as I saw fit. So come up and get your "babies" when I call your names.

* * *

CUT TO INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - CAFETERIA  
The boys are seated at their table with their lunches. WENDY can be seen ranting to the other girls plus BUTTERS at the table behind them.

STAN:  
I dunno about you guys, but I've got some mixed feelings about this project.

KYLE:  
I don't see it as a project, dude. It's torture.

As if on cue, the doll in the sling on KYLE's back starts with an annoying high pitch wailing. KYLE slumps his head and shoulders forward in defeat and takes the doll in his arms. When he rocks it back and forth, the wailing stops.

KENNY:  
[That's like the third time in five minutes.]

KYLE:  
Jesus Christ. Mr. Garrison was right. I don't know who Jack Daniels is, but I'd let him pee down my throat if it'll make this shit go away.

STAN:  
Don't you have a serious hate for pee, dude?

KYLE:  
*tersely*  
Let's not go there.

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
I just can't believe that asshole paired me with Butters! BUTTERS!

STAN:  
Yeah? So? I don't see what the big deal is, dude.

CARTMAN:  
Well, of course you don't, Stan. You got paired with Bebe and her huge knockers!

STAN:  
*shrugs*  
Still clueless here.

CARTMAN:  
I don't want you guys thinking that I'm gay for a melvin!

KENNY:  
[This coming from the guy who takes pictures of his dick in dudes' mouths.]

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
Goddammit, Kenny! That was one time!

STAN:  
Don't worry about it, Cartman. You being paired with Butters doesn't change our opinion of you.

CARTMAN:  
It doesn't?

STAN:  
No.

KYLE:  
Yeah. We actually always had a feeling that you were gay for Butters anyway.

CARTMAN:  
*tersely*  
What.

STAN:  
Well, you do always pick on him hardcore.

KYLE:  
You're always sneaking over to his house late at night...

KENNY:  
[And you've taken a photo of your dick in his mouth.]

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
Shut up, Kinny! You poor piece of crap!

STAN, KYLE, and KENNY laugh until KYLE's fake baby starts crying again. KYLE rolls his eyes in frustration and rocks it back and forth.

STAN:  
Damn, dude. That's fucked how Wendy just pawned that thing off on to you.

KYLE:  
I know, right? I mean, I don't want to deal with this any more than she does.

STAN:  
*shrugs*  
I think I got lucky. Bebe practically ripped the thing from my hands and said something about being partnered with me just so she could get the baby...or something. Honestly, I wasn't really paying attention.

KENNY:  
[I don't have to do shit either. I got two ladies to look after my babies!]

CARTMAN:  
How the fuck did you get paired with Red AND Annie and I get fucked over with the stupid melvin?! Why couldn't I get two chicks or, better yet, Bebe?

STAN, KYLE, and KENNY look at each other for a moment before going back to CARTMAN.

STAN:  
Because you're a fat ass?

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
God dammit, you guys!

At the girls' table, WENDY is ranting up a storm with the girls and BUTTERS, all of whom are not really giving her much attention.

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
I mean, is he fucking serious?! What part of "I don't want to be involved with children" did he not understand?!

BUTTERS:  
Whuh-why, if'n you ask me, I think you're makin' a muh-mountain out of a molehill.

All the girls plus BUTTERS cuddle their dolls.

BEBE:  
Yeah. It's not so bad. I think little Shaneiqua is so ADORABLE!

RED:  
Nah-unh! My darling Chaz is so much cuter!

WENDY gives the others a bored and annoyed look.

BUTTERS:  
Well, you can say what you want, but I think my Corporal Punishment is one heck of a little guy.

WENDY:  
Wait.  
*raises an eyebrow*  
You named your doll "Corporal Punishment"?

BUTTERS:  
Well, Eric didn't want to, but I showed him, buh-boy howdy. We'll raise our son to be big and tough and have him beat up our enemies.

The girls stare at BUTTERS with their mouths slightly open.

BUTTERS:  
What?

WENDY:  
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!  
*exasperated*  
You people are all delusional! They're dolls, not real babies!

All the dolls start making high pitched wailing noises.

BUTTERS:  
Aw, hamburgers! What'd you have ta go'n upset Corporal Punishment for?!

BEBE:  
*pissed*  
Jesus, Wendy! What's your problem?!

RED:  
You'd probably feel differently if you actually cared for your baby instead of pawning him off onto Kyle all the time!

ANNIE:  
Yeah! You're a horrible mommy!

WENDY screams in frustration, throws her lunch tray to the floor, and storms off. KYLE turns in her direction as she passes by and runs off after her. STAN, CARTMAN, and KENNY regard each other in confusion. The girls and BUTTERS return to tending to their screaming dolls.

BUTTERS:  
*motherly*  
Shh... Thuh-there, there, Corporal Punishment. The mean ol' bitch is gone now. Give me a smile!

BUTTERS' doll burps and makes a creepy giggling sound.

ANNIE:  
Awww...! That's so adorable!

* * *

CUT TO INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - HALLWAY  
WENDY storms up to her locker, opens it, and then just stares at the contents inside. KYLE comes up beside her with the doll wailing in the sling on his back. Her eyes get narrower with every screech.

WENDY:  
*tersely*  
I don't want it.

KYLE:  
Dude! I don't think it's fair to just pass this entirely off on to me! We're supposed to be working together with this!

WENDY:  
*tersely*  
I said I don't want it.

KYLE steps between her and her locker.

KYLE:  
*pissed*  
Dude! Seriously, any other time you'd be preaching about equality or some other crap.

WENDY opens her mouth to say something, but is cut off by the screeching doll and KYLE's reaction to it.

KYLE:  
*tersely*  
Jesus Christ!

In one fluid movement, he rips the doll from his back, stuffs it in her locker, and slams the door shut.

KYLE:  
*pissed*  
Shut the fuck up, asshole!

The screeching can still be heard, but not as loudly. WENDY narrows her eyes at KYLE.

WENDY:  
Get that thing out of my locker.

KYLE:  
Not until you agree to help me with this.

WENDY:  
I'm not wasting my life away by taking care of some screeching snot nosed shit machine!

KYLE:  
No one's saying that you have to! I'm just saying that you need to help me with this PROJECT for the week! Note the keyword here.

She glares at him. At this point a crowd has started to gather to investigate the sound of the constant muffled crying. MR. MACKEY and PRINCIPAL VICTORIA are amongst them.

KYLE:  
And don't you dare tell me that you don't care about your grades because I know better.

WENDY:  
*sighs*  
Here comes the guilt tripping.

KYLE:  
Dude, I don't want to fight over this. I just want to understand why you're trying so hard to dump this entire project on me.

WENDY:  
I want nothing to do with kids. That should be reason enough.

KYLE:  
And that makes it okay to just leave me with it? What about what I want?

WENDY:  
Just leave me alone, Kyle!

WENDY storms off as MR. MACKEY approaches.

MR. MACKEY:  
Kyle! Why did you put your baby in a locker? ...Mmkay?

KYLE:  
It won't shut up!

MR. MACKEY:  
Young man, you take that baby out of that locker and march yourself to my office right now! ...Mmkay?

KYLE:  
*sighs*  
Fine. Except it's locked and I don't know the combination.

MR. MACKEY:  
Mmkay.  
*yells*  
Mr. Venezuela! Locker keys, por favor!

* * *

CUT TO EXT. BROFLOVSKI RESIDENCE - NIGHT  
Establishing shot. All is quiet until a screeching baby's cry is heard. Several lights in the house and several nearby houses suddenly come on.

CUT TO INT. BROFLOVSKI RESIDENCE - KYLE'S ROOM - NIGHT  
KYLE, lying in bed, covers his bloodshot eyes with his hands when another second muffled wail comes from another part of the house.

GERALD:  
*off screen, muffled*  
Kyle, will you do something about that thing? It's woken up your brother again!

KYLE flops back to his bed and groans in frustration.

CUT TO INT. BROFLOVSKI RESIDENCE - KITCHEN - MORNING KYLE is sleepily sitting at the table attempting to eat a bowl of cereal. His brother IKE sits nearby in his highchair. KYLE's eyes are bloodshot and his cheeks are slightly sunken in. Every time he goes to put a spoonful of cereal in his mouth the doll on the chair nearby wails for attention which prompts a dirty look from IKE. After the third attempt to eat, KYLE angrily swats the bowl off the table sending milk and soggy cereal everywhere.

IKE:  
Kyle!

KYLE:  
*pissed*  
Can you shut up for five god damn minutes?!

The doll continues to wail.

KYLE:  
*pissed*  
What do you want from me?!

The doll continues to wail as GERALD and SHEILA watch from the doorway.

KYLE:  
*pissed*  
I swear to god that if you don't shut up I'm going to put you in a blender!

IKE:  
*pissed*  
Bah bah baba!

SHEILA:  
*horrified*  
Kyle! That is no way to speak to a baby!

KYLE:  
*pissed*  
It's just a battery operated doll that hates me!

SHEILA picks up the doll and rocks it back and forth, silencing its crying.

SHEILA:  
That doesn't matter, bubbala. For the intents and purposes of your project it is a real baby that you must take care of.

KYLE:  
*pissed*  
But I didn't want it in the first place! And my partner just abandoned me with this thing!

GERALD:  
Sometimes, Kyle, you just have to accept responsibilities as they come to you and do the best you can.

SHEILA:  
That's right, bubbie. Just look at Ms. Cartman all alone raising a child...

GERALD:  
Must be hell raising a fat bastard like that on her own.

SHEILA:  
Gerald!

KYLE:  
No, it's true, mom. Cartman is a fat bastard.

SHEILA:  
Kyle! Language!

* * *

CUT TO EXT. THE PARK  
BEBE, RED, ANNIE, and BUTTERS are sitting on a blanket under a tree. The girls are dressing up their dolls in cute outfits while BUTTERS watches with his own.

BEBE:  
-then I said to Stan "Don't worry about the baby, baby. I got this. Just go work or something."

RED:  
We pretty much did the same thing with Kenny. Boys are so clueless.

BUTTERS:  
Yuh-yeah. Eric tried flushing Corporal Punishment down the toilet last night because he was cranky.

BEBE:  
Who was cranky? Cartman or the baby?

BUTTERS:  
Well, they both were... Anways, I grabbed Corporal Punishment from him and told him to go right to Heck.

RED:  
Oh, wow! Did you storm off?

BUTTERS:  
You bet, I did, buh-boy howdy! Nobody's hurtin' my baby!

RED:  
You go, girl!

The girls, and BUTTERS, look up when WENDY walks past with several books in her arms.

RED:  
Hey, Wendy! Where's your baby at?

WENDY:  
You know damn well I don't have one.

BEBE:  
Don't lie, Wendy. Lying makes your ass bigger.

ANNIE:  
Nah. Her ass is huge 'cause she still hasn't worked off that baby fat yet.

WENDY:  
I am not fat!

BUTTERS:  
Whatever, fuh-fat ass. You're just jealous that you can't handle being a mommy!

WENDY:  
But I don't-

RED:  
Yeah! Enjoy those massive love handles, whore!

ANNIE:  
Fat whore!

BEBE:  
Fat baby-less whore!

WENDY scowls at the group and hurries off to a far corner of the park. She sits on the ground against a tree with a huff and opens one of her books. She looks up with an annoyed expression when a shadow falls over her.

WENDY:  
*tersely*  
You better just fu-  
*surprised*  
Kyle?

KYLE tosses the noiseless baby doll to her feet and plops down beside her.

WENDY:  
*confused*  
It's not...

KYLE:  
My mom wanted me to go about this on my own. Fuck that. I removed the batteries.

WENDY picks up the doll to discover that its back was completely destroyed in the battery removal process.

WENDY:  
Wow... More like you tore it a new asshole.

KYLE:  
So, I'm going to ask you one more time...

WENDY:  
Kyle, I want noth-

KYLE:  
Alright. I'm stopping you right there.

WENDY:  
Huh?

KYLE:  
*facepalms*  
You're just as bad as everyone else with this. It's a fucking doll, not a baby. You don't want anything to do with babies. I get that. After the last few days of hell I've come to the same conclusion. I've had no sleep, very little to eat, and missed playing Thirst for Blood with the guys because this piece of crap demanded my attention all hours of the god damn day. I'm just so tired of being tired and all the damn crying and the crying and the...fucking crying...

WENDY:  
*apologetic*  
Kyle, I'm...sorry I put you through that.  
*sighs*  
I'm just so used to having arguments with my mother about babies that I...

KYLE:  
I actually feel better now that I got that out of my system. The silence is...nice too.

The two are silent for a moment.

WENDY:  
I'll help you with this, Kyle. We'll put the batteries back in, write that report that Mr. Garrison wants and then put the whole mess behind us.

There is a another silence.

WENDY:  
Kyle?

KYLE has fallen asleep on her shoulder. WENDY smiles and rests her head on his.

* * *

CUT TO INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - FOURTH GRADE CLASSROOM  
MR. GARRISON is bored at his desk while CLYDE and a random ginger girl finish up their oral report.

MR. GARRISON:  
*sarcastically*  
Thank you, Clyde and Ginger, for that riveting tale of how many times a baby crapped on you.

CARTMAN laughs as the two take their seats.

MR. GARRISON:  
Alright. Next I want to hear from...Kyle and Wendy.

The two walk up to the front of the class with the doll and a backpack in tow.

KYLE:  
So...you want to do this?

WENDY:  
No. You go ahead. It's only fair.

KYLE:  
'Kay.

He sets his pack on the floor and pulls out a miniature Dr. Who Tardis which is then set on MR. GARRISON's desk.

KYLE:  
Okay. To start off this report, I'd like to ask a question. How many dead babies can you fit into a phone booth?

All the kids look confused, except for CARTMAN who sports a smirk and an effort to stifle his laugh.

KYLE:  
Anyone?

MR. GARRISON:  
Kyle, what the hell does this have to do with raising children?

WENDY:  
We're getting there, Mr. Garrison.

KYLE:  
I learned something over the course of the week.

KYLE pulls a blender and a small bottle of water out of his pack and sets them next to the Tardis. He grabs the doll from WENDY's arms, stuffs it into the blender, adds some water, and turns the machine on. The class stares in shock.

KYLE:  
*shouting over the noise*  
Raising kids sucks ass. It sucks your sanity dry, the fun out of life, and the life out of relationships. Aside from my little brother, I want nothing to do with children in the future.

He turns the blender off, revealing a flesh colored liquid mass inside.

KYLE:  
Of course, the best way to resolve that is to prevent babies before they happen. But failing that...

He pours the liquid mass into the Tardis until the glass is empty. He closes the booth's door and sets it back on the desk. The pink mass can be seen through the tiny windows. CLYDE and BUTTERS start crying when a single eye floats up to the top window and stares out. CARTMAN laughs and pounds a fist on his desk.

KYLE:  
How many dead babies can you fit into a phone booth? The answer is "As many as it takes." How can you fit more inside? "A blender."

WENDY snickers.

KYLE:  
Any questions?

CARTMAN raises his hand.

KYLE:  
Cartman?

CARTMAN:  
So, what's the best way to get them back out of the phone booth?

WENDY:  
*matter-of-factly*  
Doritos.

MR. GARRISON and the entire class, except the laughing CARTMAN, stare horrified at KYLE and WENDY.

MR. GARRISON:  
*horrified*  
Kyle, you do realize that you just destroyed a five hundred dollar doll?

WENDY gasps.

KYLE:  
Wait. What?

MR. GARRISON:  
And I'm afraid that's money you'll have to pay back to the school board.

KYLE:  
*pissed, mutters*  
God dammit.


	6. Memories of Forgotten Dreams

_**Chapter Six**_  
 _ **Memories of Forgotten Dreams**_

* * *

The smell was heavenly. Wendy Testaburger brought the steaming cup of tea up to her nose and inhaled deeply the scent of chamomile and honey. It was to help her relax. Too many coffees a day was wrecking havoc on her health and since she had been an addict for so many years, the withdrawal symptoms were atrocious. It also didn't help that she had picked a stressful time to quit. She breathed deeply once again as she had been instructed.

Several weeks ago marked the death of Eric Cartman. While most residents of the town were clueless that he either had still been alive or even in town, Wendy, her sorta boyfriend-ish Kyle, and their friend Kenny saw to it that it remained that way. Ten years ago, that fat fuck, as Wendy so affectionately referred to him, had managed to kill Stan and get away with it. Wendy, being an emotional mess at the time, withdrew from society totally thinking she had been the cause. Years later, Cartman's luck ran out when he was nearly killed in the worst car accident in all of Park County. The downside to living through that was being bedridden in the hospital and hooked up to life support, only to have the plug pulled by the only one of the three young adults with the balls to do so. Regret, however, weighed heavily on her. Those balls were possibly too big for her panties.

The deed done, the three of them went on with their lives. In Wendy's case, she attempted to reinsert herself back into society which was easier said than done. It was difficult mustering the motivation to search for a job, so she instead spent her time either with Kyle and Kenny or trolling retarded ten year-olds on the internet. She had made several attempts at doing something constructive with her time, like continual job searching, seeing her therapist, or writing, but once started her projects usually fell incredibly short. In her mind, it all came back to Cartman. All of her inadequacies and insecurities she blamed solely on him. If Stan had still been alive, she wouldn't have become an outcast; a loner who constantly second guessed most of her decisions. If Stan had still been alive, she wouldn't have been thirsty for revenge and...

Wendy sighed and inhaled more of the chamomile and honey steam rising from her teacup. She couldn't stop seeing Cartman's blood on her hands no matter how much she washed with bleach or scrubbed with steel wool. Plus, it was always in the back of her mind that sooner or later the authorities would catch up with her. She really did not want jail time.

She sighed and took a small sip of her boiling drink. It was hot, like so hot that she felt the tip of her tongue go completely numb. Perfect. She sighed again and held the cup up to her throbbing forehead. She could hear Kyle's mother, Sheila, in the other room fussing about with something. Wendy couldn't tell what it was, and in all honesty, didn't care. She was attempting to cleanse her mind and body of stress and needless worry. She cracked open an eye and regarded the clock on the wall across the room.

It was nearly time. Kyle would be home soon and she knew what that would entail. For the last week she had put up with his constant wondering about how and why Cartman had been hidden at Hell's Pass Hospital for years under everyone's noses. Every other day he was going to storm into Mayor McDaniel's office and demand answers. Every other day in between he would agree with Kenny's refusal to find out and Wendy's own uncaring indifference with a shrug and blow off steam with Generic Mascot Fighting Game GameSphereU or Crazy Car Theft Simulator Clone IV. On the following day, the whole process would begin again. His flip-flopping was doing her head in. He needed to pick a side and stick with it for more than twenty-four hours.

In all honesty, Wendy's indifference to the Cartman situation was a front. In reality, she didn't want to know, didn't care to know, and wanted to leave things best unknown to the wind. She had enough things going through her head without that mess as well. She took another slow sip of her drink and let out a tiny moan of pleasure. It was almost like a reverse orgasm; it started in her mouth and slowly worked its pleasuring tendrils down her spine. Wendy was impressed that Kenny's sister made her own blends from her own grown leaves. The older girl could barely tie her own shoes.

"So, I take it that you like it," said Karen to Wendy with a wide shining grin. The female McCormick's upbeat happy demeanor was catchy, almost unbelievably so. Wendy was also impressed by the other girl's ability to see the world through unjaded eyes. No matter what horrible thing was thrown her way the girl would just shrug it off with a smile and continue to see the good in the world. Wendy needed some of that optimism. As far as she was concerned, the world was out to knock her to the ground and kick her while she was down. Fuck the world was her usual motto. It drove her therapist crazy.

Wendy took another sip of her tea and sighed in content as it warmed her from the inside out. The tea was so phenomenal it didn't even need sugar. She stated so with the slurring of pure bliss. Karen giggled and adjusted herself in her seat. That was when Wendy felt a soft leg brush against her own. She tried her best to hide her reaction. This was the third time in less than half an hour. She was convinced now that it was no mere accident. While Wendy had no concrete evidence of the younger girl's sexuality, there was no mistaking that move, especially the lingering touch at the end. For a laugh, she occasionally would do the very same to Kyle to send him in a panicked frenzy. He didn't do well with sexual stimuli. Wendy blamed his overbearing mother for that one.

Compounding this evidence against Karen were numerous heavily veiled compliments, a few thinly veiled ones, and constant staring at her tits. All she had to go on was her gut instinct and it was telling her that Karen was either gay, bi-sexual, or at the very least acting this way because of her lecherous brother. The first two scenarios were definitely plausible. The third, while not so much, was still in the playing field just on the grounds that the young girl was very impressionable and idolized her brother.

Despite Wendy's own quite rigid sexual orientation, she didn't have the heart to tell the girl to knock it off. It was kind of cute and flattering in a way. After being a house hermit for nearly half her life thus far she certainly wasn't going to turn down attention in that regard, especially when she had an ass the size of Alaska. She constantly joked, much to Kyle's dismay, that you could see Russia from her crack. Most people, including her therapist, informed her that she wasn't as big as she made herself out to be; that it was the low self-esteem talking. Maybe it was. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe she needed to exercise instead of writing smutty friend fiction.[1] She looked down at her crumb filled plate and eyed the smears of jelly her donuts had left behind. Just with looking at it, she was suddenly aware of a strange feeling in her sides; almost as if someone were filling her love handles with jelly. Something really not right with that.

"Dammit. I want more jelly rolls," she casually blurted out. When Karen raised an eyebrow in surprise before laughing in response, Wendy withdrew into herself. "I'm such a fat bitch," she scolded herself. And again came the stock low self-esteem excuses made by everyone but her. She inwardly sighed and cursed her loose lips. She suddenly was wishing to be anywhere but here and as far away from human contact as possible.

Thankfully, the conversation, like the winds of change, departed into a new direction. Karen began talking non-stop about things going on at school; who was sleeping with who and the unsolved case of the Mystery Groper in the girls' locker room. This caught Wendy's attention. "Do they have any leads?" she asked.

The younger brunette shook her head, but didn't fully mask the grin on her face. "No," Karen responded, "but I have an idea." She took a sip from her own mug and let the grin spread wider. If it stretched any farther, it'd snap like a rubber band. "I kept complaining to the gym teacher that the school needed to stop buying cheap light bulbs that blow out easily," she lamented. "Of course, it also doesn't help that I purposefully short them out every day." Her laughter was almost comical in a demented sort of way.

Of course, Wendy thought in her eureka moment. The girl was no better than her lecherous brother. She was just better at masking it. The question was, if Kenny put dicks in video games did Karen put tits in video games? Wendy wasn't sure if she wanted to know. The small talk resumed. The foot reappeared on her leg. Wendy again ignored it. Maybe the two of them were in the virtual sex game racket together. Hell, she wouldn't be surprised if the two of them were running a porn site. That certainly would explain how Kenny could afford to support of the two of them on minimum wage.

Time disappeared as the two girls talked and drank it all way. It wasn't long before Kyle and Kenny appeared in the dining room beside them. At that moment, much to Wendy's amusement, she couldn't help but notice Karen had leaped out of her seat and was hanging off her brother like a clingy girlfriend. She stared without staring directly and kept waiting for a hand to disappear behind an ass or a kiss to initiate. _Or maybe you want it to happen,_ came a sly thought from somewhere in the back of her head. No, she needed to get these thoughts out of her head before it got to a point that she'd never be able to look at the siblings the same ever again.

It also didn't help that her thoughts as of late were plagued with desires of a more carnal nature, something she mostly blamed and thanked Kyle for awakening. She would be in the middle of job hunting or writing and suddenly find her mind and hands wandering of their own accord. After that thought and a hug from Kyle, Wendy was suddenly very aware of her underwear and its restrictiveness. She didn't know how he had done it, but ever since bumping into each other that night several weeks ago it was like her beach was at constant high tide whenever the moon that was his ass came near her.

Wendy cringed. That was an awful analogy, even if it was true. It was like an itch that needed to be scratched and, good Lord, was it getting harder and harder to ignore as the minutes wore on. As she watched Kyle, Kenny, and Karen talk about...whatever (She really wasn't paying attention to that minor detail.), she wished that everyone would just fuck off so that she could pin Kyle to the nearest wall and berate him for turning her into a sex crazed retard...or maybe she could just kiss him and...

Mental images of her shoving her hands down his pants were suddenly interrupted with a cough aimed in her direction. It was then that Wendy realized that she was being spoken to. "What?" she squeaked as she nonchalantly attempted to look as if she had been paying attention all along.

Kyle raised an eyebrow in concern as he stated, "I asked if you were feeling alright." Both Kenny and Karen grinned as if they knew what had been going on in her head. Impossible, she knew, but with those two and their perverted natures it was hard to tell.

Wendy stated with a smile that she was merely tired; a bold-faced lie. She wanted to run home and scratch the embarrassing itch in the privacy of her own bedroom, but she sure as hell wasn't going to announce that out loud. She attempted to combat the bubbling hormones by focusing on her breathing and the conversation that was happening with the other three.

It was decided, without her input she discovered, that she and Kyle would pay a visit to Mayor McDaniels to find out once and for all why Cartman had been hidden away for all those years. She audibly voiced her surprise when it was further announced that they were going to embark on this journey before the day's end. As much as she disagreed with that course of action, she was quite pleased that Kyle finally was moving on from his Valley of Indecision and getting on with his life. But was there any way that he embark on this adventure himself while she journeyed on her own to the Valley of...Something Something? She couldn't think of anything to call it as most of her mental resources were trying to keep her hands from wandering on their own.

Based on Kenny's responses, though, she got the impression that he had no interest in this adventure. He gave bull-shit excuses that she saw through clear as day. Kyle, on the other hand... She loved him to pieces, and _really_ wanted to love him to pieces in a different sort of sense, but his gullibility just made her want to grab him by the balls and berate him for being such a retard. There were times that she felt that he'd believe her if she shoved his hand down her pants with claims of having a rock hard cock for a clit. To be fair, her erogenous zone was so swollen in sexual desire at the moment, that she probably could be the man and bend Karen over the table with no issues.

Wait. Did she just imagine the scenario? The whole concept grossed her out and excited her further at the same time. She needed to sort herself out immediately before she did or said something incriminating.

As the siblings left the house, Wendy found herself following Kyle up to his room. She needed to think of something to get out visiting the bitch of a mayor. Something involving ghosts? No, no. That was too silly an idea, even for her in her distracted state. She could say that she wasn't feeling well and needed to go home, but she had already stated that she was merely just tired. As gullible as he was, she didn't think he'd buy that.

When they entered his room, it suddenly came to her. She closed the door behind her and leaned against it with a sly seductive grin. Kyle turned to her with an expression of surprised concern on his face. "You know, Kyle," she said, "I really don't care that Cartman had been hidden from the world. I really don't care about the why or about the car accident that he had been involved in. And, quite frankly, I really don't give a rat's ass about whether Betsy Donovan had been offed because of her knowledge of the situation. It might make me a bad person, but I just don't have any fucks to give."

It was at this point in her train of thought that she realized that she had somehow managed to back the shocked Kyle onto his bed and was hovering over him on all fours. She giggled and distributed her weight on him before kissing him briefly. She whispered, "But I do have some fucks of a different nature to give if you'd like." He just stared in response and looked as if he was going into sensory overload. The pressure that suddenly appeared on her thigh caused her to giggle once more.

She sat up to straddle his waist and promptly removed her upper garments, freeing herself from their restrictiveness. She took note that his eyes were now the size of dinner plates. It was amusing to say the least. "I can think of a few things that would be better spent obsessing over," she continued. She grabbed his hands and crushed her breasts into them, all the while with a shit-eating grin on her lips. "Like these."

Kyle managed to squeak out a weak "Holy shit, dude," before passing out and going limp from over-stimulation.

Wendy sat there in his lap for a moment as she processed what had just transpired. She couldn't believe it. The first time seeing her tits and he goes out cold. She was utterly disappointed and now seriously frustrated. "God dammit," she muttered in disappointment. She considered finishing the job herself right then and there, but that would be borderline creepy. She decided that the bathroom and her hairbrush, sadly, would have to do.

* * *

Wendy was startled awake from an intense full body muscle spasm that caused her to knock several books from her bed. It was an incredibly intense feeling that reverberated throughout her body, starting between her legs and working its way up her spine. She gripped her bed sheets so tightly in rigid agony that her knuckles where white. On the inverse, her toes were so curled from the sensation that they actually hurt. She attempted to even out her breathing to stop the scream in her throat from escaping. It was the only thing that she could think straight about as her mind swam in the lucid haze.

After what seemed like hours, she was able to relax and fall limp against the mattress. What the fucking hell was that? A seizure? Whatever it had been felt too good for anything like that. Like really really good. If anything, it had felt so good that it hurt. And it hurt so much it felt good. Jesus, how confusing was this?

She wiped tears from her eyes as she sat up and dangled her legs over the side of the bed. Something was off. Well, despite the fact that she experienced a seizure like event during a nap. She slipped down to the floor and promptly landed face first upon her legs collapsing from under her. She laughed as she struggled to use the bed to bring herself back to her feet. Upon doing so, she wobbled over to her mirror to assess the damage.

She looked like one of those sex starved bitches from Sex and the City. Messy hair? Check. Wrinkled bunched up clothing? Check. Bright red cheeks. Check. Shaky hands and legs? Check. Wait... She was a child? This confused her more than it should have. Her thoughts kept repeating that she was supposed to be taller...and not in her house. Neither made sense. She shook her head until the thoughts cleared. She must have had another one of those dreams about her future, a future, alternate reality, whatever. Maybe. This one had been different though. She actually didn't remember anything of it, other than that intense feeling she woke up with.

Wendy frowned into her reflection in the mirror, more confused now than ever before. She needed to share this with someone who would understand. She also found herself ravenously hungry for some strange reason. Perhaps Kyle would like to talk over dinner. She grabbed her coat and was about to bolt out the door, but stopped just before. It would probably be best if she changed her clothes before leaving.

* * *

[1] The best title Wendy ever came up with was "Going Down in South Park", which involved Kyle going down on her in a whirlwind of passion, lust, and general hotness.[2]

[2] Needless to say, that was one story she could never finish. One could say she suffered from writer's block. Another could say rereading it up to where she left off caused flustered distractions. The world may never know which is true.


	7. All Along the Time Rift (Incomplete)

_**Chapter Seven**_  
 _ **All Along the Time Rift (Incomplete)**_

* * *

 ** _Notes:_** The Unfinished Chapter. See the end for more notes.

* * *

FADE IN

EXT. DENNY'S FAIRPLAY – DAY  
Establishing shot. The building looks like a Denny's with a cancerous truck stop of a growth hanging off its side.

INT. DENNY'S FAIRPLAY – DINING ROOM  
In the back of the dining room, two teenagers are treating each other like all you can eat kissing buffets. This loud activity continues for a beat until a high speed spitwad lands on TEEN GIRL's cheek, which then promptly falls into her exposed cleavage.

TEEN GIRL:  
Eww! Gross!

TEEN GIRL and TEEN BOY look around before spotting the snickering KYLE and WENDY at a table nearby.

TEEN MALE:  
What da hell's yo' problem, twerps?

KYLE and WENDY briefly share a look.

WENDY:  
Our problem is that we're trying to eat here. Do you freaking mind?

KYLE:  
Yeah. It's hard to talk when we've got you two making barnyard noises behind us.

KYLE shirks back in fear when TEEN MALE stands and brandishes a knife.

TEEN MALE:  
*pissed*  
Yo, dawg, I'll cut ya 'till ya squeal!

Suddenly, TEEN MALE's overly baggy pants fall to his ankles and trip him up, sending him to the floor prompting the two children to laugh. The knife skids across the floor and stops under the boot of TINY, a big burly African-American truck driver.

TINY:  
*grins*  
Ay, boy, if'n ya'll want yer knife beck, I's got room fer two mer in mah sexteen wheela.

TEEN GIRL chokes out a gasp as TEEN MALE picks himself and his pants up.

TINY:  
*cont'd*  
And if'n ya'll wants squealin', I reckin' I could makes ta both of yas squeal like lettle piggies!

TEEN GIRL wastes no time running out the door with a scream. TEEN MALE seems to consider doing something, but decides better of it and bolts as well. His pants fall again and trip him out the door. KYLE and WENDY laugh.

KYLE:  
Thanks for the save, Tiny!

TINY:  
*nods*  
No warries, li'l man! Ya'll made me laugh sumthin' fierce!  
*chuckles, low*  
"Barnyard noises..."

WENDY raises an eyebrow.

WENDY:  
Kyle, do you know that guy?

KYLE:  
No. Why?

WENDY:  
How did you know his name was Tiny?

KYLE:  
Simple. He's a big scary truck driver. The odds that his name would be the opposite of how he looks are nearly a hundred to one.

WENDY:  
I suppose...

KYLE:  
Also, while we were waiting for our food I overheard the waitress call him that in a friendly way.

WENDY:  
Huh...

WENDY shoves a forkful of pancakes into her mouth.

KYLE:  
So, let me see if I'm understanding your predicament correctly.

WENDY:  
*chews*  
Mmm.

KYLE:  
You fell asleep out of boredom while reading Twilight.

WENDY:  
*chews*  
Mmm.

KYLE:  
Then you had another futuristic dream.

WENDY:  
*swallows*  
Yeah.

KYLE:  
Then when you woke up you had a...seizure like event...as you aptly put it.

WENDY:  
*chews*  
Mmm.

KYLE:  
Huh. How strange.

WENDY:  
*swallows*  
I know, right? It hurt like hell, but was totally awesome at the same time.

KYLE:  
You know, I once overheard my dad say that people who like pain are Satanists.

WENDY drops her fork in a panic.

WENDY:  
*panicked*  
I'm not a Satanist!

KYLE:  
You must be if you like pain.

WENDY:  
*panicked*  
Not all pain!

KYLE:  
Dude... Have you recently accepted the dark lord as your lord and savior?

WENDY:  
*panicked*  
No! I'm Catholic!

KYLE:  
Huh. I don't know then.

WENDY frowns and makes a slight noise. She picks up her fork and continues demolishing her pancakes. The ground suddenly and briefly shakes, causing the two and others in the background to look around in confusion. After shrugging it off, KYLE takes a mozzarella stick, dips it in marinara, and bites it.

WENDY:  
*swallows*  
I really wish I knew how it happened so that I could reproduce it.  
*sighs*  
I wish I could share that feeling with-

She suddenly gets a surprised look on her face and fidgets in her seat. KYLE raises an eyebrow in concern.

KYLE:  
You okay?

WENDY:  
I'm not sure. Thinking about it is making me feel funny. Kinda like butterflies in the stomach, but lower.

KYLE:  
Your ass?

The ground shakes again but with more violence.

KYLE:  
What the hell is that?

WENDY:  
I don't-

WENDY suddenly falls through the ground with a scream as a giant sinkhole opens up underneath. KYLE stares in shock.

KYLE:  
Dude!

The sinkhole expands to swallow him up as well.

KYLE:  
*screams*  
Dude!

* * *

CUT TO INT. MARSH RESIDENCE – LIVING ROOM  
STAN is lazily sprawled on the couch watching TV.

PHILLIP:  
Say, Terrance?

TERRANCE:  
Yes, Phillip?

PHILLIP:  
I'm getting this terrible, horrible sinking feeling!

TERRANCE:  
It might be because of the quicksand, Phillip!

The two are indeed sinking in quicksand. STAN laughs.

PHILLIP:  
Oh, balls! Do you have any ideas on how to get out of this dastardly trap?

TERRANCE:  
Indeed, I do, Phillip! Only by farting as one can we both escape this smelly hole!

PHILLIP:  
Very well, Terrance! Let us give it a try for the glory of Canada! On the count of three! One! Two! Thr-

TV:  
We interrupt this program to bring you a special news bulletin!

STAN:  
*pissed*  
Awww!

A close-up of the TV reveals NEWSCASTER TOM sitting at his desk. He taps his papers on the desk before addressing the camera.

NEWSCASTER TOM:  
This just in! The Denny's on 285 just outside Fairplay has collapsed into a sinkhole!

STAN suddenly sits up straight with a look of horror.

STAN:  
*horrified*  
Dude!

NEWSCASTER TOM:  
Check out this amateur shot footage!

Mobile phone footage of the Denny's and its surrounding parking lot collapsing into a giant hole is shown on the screen. Several men and women can be heard screaming.

RANDY:  
*off screen on the TV*  
Wow! I've never seen anything like it!

STAN:  
*shocked*  
Dad?!

A car suddenly rolls backwards into the giant sinkhole causing several more people to scream.

NEWSCASTER TOM:  
A geologist on the scene had this to say-

The scene on the TV suddenly cuts to a live feed outside the former Denny's where RANDY is being interviewed by female reporter TINE EDICT.

RANDY:  
The new Blackberry is amazing! It's better than my old one!

STAN pinches the bridge of his nose in frustration.

STAN:  
Jesus Christ, Dad.

TINE:  
Yes, we know it is, Mr. Marsh, but I asked for your opinion on the giant sinkhole behind you.

RANDY:  
Oh... Yeah...  
*pauses*  
It's probably the only thing bigger than Rosie O'Donnell's ass.

* * *

CUT TO INT. UNDERNEATH THE SITE OF THE FORMER DENNY'S  
Pitch blackness. KYLE coughs.

KYLE:  
*pained*  
Aw, fuck. That didn't feel good.

Several scuffling noises are heard along with some blips of a cellphone. A bright blue tinged light suddenly illuminates everything in front of KYLE, while the screen of his phone illuminates his face. While details cannot be clearly seen, KYLE's left eye is closed and blood is smeared around his nose.

KYLE:  
*pained*  
Damn. No signal.

As he shines the light around, bits and pieces of the somewhat intact Denny's dining room can be seen. Several other patrons were clearly not as lucky as he was, either crushed by timber, rock, or car or impaled by stalagmite. A few survivors groan in the background.

KYLE:  
*pained*  
Wendy?

He crawls off the remains of the table he landed on and wanders around until he comes to a small incline. He stops and shines the light around again.

KYLE:  
*shouts*  
Wendy?

His voice echoes throughout the chamber. Slow dripping water is heard. After a pause, he slides down the incline and continues walking until he reaches an entrance to a corridor. An underground stream can be heard in the background.

KYLE:  
What the hell is that?!

He hastily approaches a purple coat snagged on a rocky outcropping. He picks it up with a concerned look on his face.

KYLE:  
She came this way... But why?  
*shouts*  
Wendy? Where are you?

Further down the corridor, in a small illuminated room, WENDY is staring directly into the CAMERA with her mouth slightly agape. A bleeding gash is located above her right eye along with several scrapes on her chest. Her pink camisole is adorned with rainbows, clouds, unicorns, and blood stains.

WENDY:  
*awed*  
It's beautiful.

KYLE:  
*off screen, echoes*  
Wendy?

She reaches out to touch whatever the light source is, but pulls her hand back in a moment of hesitation. KYLE appears in the rocky doorway behind her and gasps in awe when he sees whatever she is staring at.

KYLE:  
*awed*  
Wow.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. THE SITE OF THE FORMER DENNY'S  
STAN, CARTMAN, and KENNY approach the crime scene tape blocking off access to the site. KENNY lifts up said tape and waves the other two through before going underneath himself. Nearby police officers completely ignore them. Further in, they approach the edge of the sinkhole. RANDY can be seen in the background pacing near a makeshift tent and various computer equipment.

CARTMAN:  
You sure the Jew was here?

KENNY shrugs. STAN, not paying attention, peers over the edge. Nothing but darkness can be seen.

CARTMAN:  
*cont'd*  
God dammit, asshole! I'm talkin' ta you!

STAN:  
*confused*  
Huh?

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
Are you sure the Jew was here, I said!

STAN:  
*raises an eyebrow*  
Seriously, fat ass? His parents drove us here.

CARTMAN:  
*blinks*  
Oh, yeah.

STAN:  
*flatly*  
Retard.

STAN nudges a chunk of asphalt into the hole. There is silence for several beats until the sound of the chunk hitting solid ground and shattering is heard.

CARTMAN:  
He's dead, dude.

STAN:  
No way, dude. He's gotta be down there somewhere.

CARTMAN:  
*laughs*  
I'm sure he's down there all right. Prolly pushing up the daisies or, more realistically, splattered under an SUV.

CARTMAN imitates a splattering sound before laughing diabolically. STAN and KENNY share unimpressed looks.

STAN:  
Not funny, fat ass.

CARTMAN:  
Of course, you wouldn't find it funny!

KENNY shakes his head.

STAN:  
I'm gonna see if there's a way down there.

KENNY:  
[I'll help!]

The two wander off.

CARTMAN:  
So, what? Am I the only sane person who finds this funny?!

STAN:  
*off screen*  
Not funny, fat ass!

CARTMAN:  
God dammit, Stan! Stop bein' a hippie!

The CAMERA cuts closer to RANDY as he continues pacing back and forth with a stressed look on his face. A second geologist sits at a nearby computer terminal.

RANDY:  
It just doesn't make any sense!

GEOLOGIST:  
The appearance of the sinkhole?

RANDY:  
No! My Blackberry has WIFI. My laptop has WIFI. Why can't I sync my documents with WIFI?!

GEOLOGIST:  
Randy, don't we have more pressing matters at the moment?

RANDY:  
No! Think about it! You can sync documents with a USB cable! Hell, you can even track it with GPS!

STAN, KENNY, and CARTMAN approach RANDY from behind.

STAN:  
Dad, we want to go down there.

RANDY:  
*pissed*  
But why can't I use the WIFI?!

STAN:  
Dad!

RANDY:  
*pissed*  
I should be able to use my devices how I want!

STAN:  
*shouts*  
Dad!

RANDY:  
*pissed*  
What?!  
*normal*  
Oh, hey, boys.

STAN:  
*points to the sinkhole*  
We want to go down there.

RANDY:  
Oh, okay. There's a rope over there somewhere.

RANDY turns back to his laptop.

RANDY:  
I will make you work!

STAN looks to the other boys and shrugs.

STAN:  
That was easier than I was expecting.

They walk off screen.

CARTMAN:  
*off screen*  
Your dad's a retard, dude.

RANDY:  
*yelling*  
Make sure you wear hard hats!

GEOLOGIST:  
Uh, Randy? You sure that's wise letting your son and his friends go down there by themselves?

RANDY:  
God dammit!

He looks up in confusion.

RANDY:  
*cont'd*  
Wha-? Oh, yeah. He'll be fine. They've got hard hats.

* * *

CUT TO INT. UNDERNEATH THE SITE OF THE FORMER DENNY'S  
KYLE and WENDY are staring at a large ring of bluish light. Inside the ring is a freezer full of boxes of various shapes and sizes. WENDY, still uncertain, reaches out and touches the ring of light. The light, and the image, ripple at her touch. A restaurant worker enters the freezer, grabs a box and exits again. WENDY quickly pulls her hand back and regards KYLE.

WENDY:  
I've...never seen anything like this.

KYLE walks around the ring.

KYLE:  
I wonder what it is?

WENDY:  
A faerie ring?

KYLE:  
What's that?

WENDY:  
A ring of power that serves as a portal for faeries and otherworldly beings to enter our reality.  
*pauses*  
I think.

KYLE:  
Huh.

As he stops at his original position, another worker resembling an adult KENNY enters, silently screams, and punches a rather large box in frustration. KYLE and WENDY stare silently for a moment before regarding each other again.

KYLE:  
Maybe it's a way out?

WENDY:  
You think so?

KYLE:  
It's either that or we wait for a search party.

WENDY looks down at her torn and bloody clothing.

WENDY:  
You think TV cameras will show up too?

KYLE:  
Dude, from what I saw the entire Denny's was swallowed by this cave. That's big news.

WENDY:  
Damn! I don't think there's much of a choice.

She approaches the ring of light and places a hand on the image again causing it to ripple once more.

KYLE:  
What do you mean?

WENDY:  
Do you really think I want to be on TV looking like I just lost a drunken bar fight?

KYLE:  
Does it really matter? I mean, I think my nose is broken...

WENDY:  
You're not a girl, Kyle, so you won't understand.

There is a pause and the sound of large rocks falling elsewhere. The two look back, startled.

KYLE:  
Well?

WENDY:  
Don't rush me!

KYLE:  
I thought you didn't want to wait for the search party?

WENDY:  
I'm mustering up my courage! We don't exactly know what this is or where it goes.

KYLE:  
From the looks of it, it leads to a restaurant.

WENDY:  
Alright, smart ass.

The image in the ring shifts to outside the Broflovski residence.

KYLE:  
Hey! That's my house!

Back at drop point zero, STAN, CARTMAN, and KENNY slide down a rope one by one. They each reach up and turn on the lights mounted on their hard hats. Dead bodies, broken cars, and debris litter the large open cave/restaurant dining room.

STAN:  
Damn, dude. This is pretty fucked up right here.

CARTMAN throws a rock at an SUV caught on an incline higher up and laughs when it falls and crushes the body of a dead man. STAN and KENNY jump at the impact.

STAN:  
Cartman! What the hell are you doing?!

A few stray pebbles fall from the ceiling of the cave.

CARTMAN:  
What?

STAN:  
You trying to bring the whole thing down on top of us?!

KENNY:  
[Yeah!]

CARTMAN:  
*scoffs*  
Don't be such an asshole, Stan. I was just making sure that it wouldn't crush us later if we have to make a quick escape...y'know, because of zombies.

KENNY shakes his head and wanders ahead.

STAN:  
I swear to god, if you get me killed I'll come back to haunt you, fat ass.

CARTMAN:  
Pfft. Whatever. I ain't afraid of no ghost.

The two follow KENNY's lead through the now shattered double door entrance of the building.

STAN:  
You should be. I'll revenge kill you.

CARTMAN:  
How?  
*laughs*  
By shouting "Boo!" at me?

STAN:  
Whatever. Just look for Kyle.

CARTMAN:  
Do we have to? Can't I just throw more rocks at cars?

STAN:  
Cartman!

CARTMAN:  
Alright! Alright!  
*wanders off*  
Jesus!

STAN walks to a pile of debris and lifts up a small rock.

STAN:  
Kyle? You in there?

CARTMAN waves a dollar bill in the air while whistling as if calling a dog.

CARTMAN:  
Here Jew! Here boy! I've got a treat for ya!  
*pauses*  
It's a dollar!

KENNY:  
*off screen*  
[Oh my god!]

STAN:  
What is it, Kenny?

CARTMAN:  
*scared*  
Is it zuh-zombies?

KENNY walks up to them while holding WENDY's jacket up for inspection. A worried expression is seen in his eyes. The other two boys stare at it, confused.

STAN:  
Is that Wendy's jacket?

CARTMAN:  
*sniffs the air*  
I smell tree huggin'-  
*sniffs*  
-hypocrisy and-  
*sniffs*  
-bull-shit feminism.

When CARTMAN screeches with a sneeze on both STAN and KENNY, they flick the moisture from their arms with disgusted looks.

CARTMAN:  
Yup. Definitely the hippie.

STAN:  
*pissed*  
Fucking gross, dude.

Back at KYLE and WENDY, the two jump at a loud screeching sound.

KYLE:  
What the hell was that?!

WENDY:  
I don't think I want to find out!

KYLE:  
Wait!

She rushes into the ring and disappears.

KYLE:  
Wendy! Dammit!

He follows suit and as he disappears, the image in the ring changes to that of a field containing a large mound of rocks. There is silence for a beat before STAN and CARTMAN can be heard bickering further down the rocky corridor.

CARTMAN:  
*off screen*  
I don't know why this surprises you.

STAN:  
*off screen*  
I didn't say I was surprised. I said I called shenanigans.

When KENNY passes in front of the entrance, he stops and looks at the ring just in time to see it disappear. He raises an eyebrow as if he's unsure of what he saw.

CARTMAN:  
*off screen*  
Well, it's true. The doctor told me that I'm allergic to hippies.

KENNY shrugs his shoulders and continues walking.

STAN:  
No, he didn't. I was there for that. He said honeysuckle, retard.

CARTMAN:  
Well, hippies like flowers so that makes me allergic by proxy.

STAN:  
*off screen, sighs*  
I'm done arguing with you, Cartman. Just look for Kyle and Wendy.

CARTMAN:  
*off screen*  
Can't we do both?

STAN's groan echoes throughout the cave system.

* * *

CUT TO INT. BROFLOVSKI RESIDENCE – KYLE'S ROOM – ORIGINAL TIME  
A half-naked ADULT WENDY removes herself from the fully clothed ADULT KYLE passed out on the bed and scrunches up her face in annoyance.

ADULT WENDY:  
*mutters*  
God dammit.

She turns towards the bedroom door, but doesn't get too far before becoming engulfed in a bright white light that engulfs her entire body. After a moment, the light abruptly disappears and she falls to the floor with a cry.

ADULT WENDY:  
*hushed*  
Good god! I feel like I've been hit by a bus.

* * *

 ** _Notes:_ ** After entering the portal, Wendy is sent into the body of her future self in the original timeline. After some hijinks of getting used to a different center of gravity, Adult Kyle takes her to City Hall to confront Mayor McDaniels about Cartman. McDaniels reveals that she covered the whole thing up because she is Cartman's biological mother (this was plotted long before the reveal of Cartman's real father on the show) and then has Barbrady (who had been under her desk the entire time) arrest them for Cartman's death.

Back in the present, Stan, Cartman, and Kenny find evidence that Denny's had been kidnapping overweight truck drivers and slaughtering them to use as a cheap meat alternative. They free those held hostage and Cartman brings an SUV down on the demented restaurant manager by way of a thrown rock. Meanwhile, Randy continues to struggle getting his Blackberry to sync to his computer via WIFI.

In the future, Sheila catches wind of Adult Kyle and Wendy's arrest and, with Randy, Sharon, and Gerald, organizes a protest in front of city hall. The entire town joins in and it soon turns violent. Jimbo and Ned storm the building and exit moments later with Mayor McDaniels held at gunpoint. Meanwhile, Kenny, Karen, and Ike outwit Officer Barbrady and break Kyle and Wendy out of jail. They join the protest.

SHARON:  
My son deserves justice!

MCDANIELS:  
So does mine.

Wendy gets hit on the head in the fight that breaks out. When she wakes up, she's in a hospital bed back in the present. Kyle tells her that she had been found with a head injury days later face down in the snow outside city hall and that everyone was perplexed about the distance she had traveled. He mentions that he had reappeared suddenly in the town square.

KYLE:  
What did you see?

WENDY:  
I'm not sure. It was so...surreal, like a dream. I'm still trying to make sense of it. What about you?

KYLE:  
*flatly*  
I'd rather not talk about it.

The chapter would then end with Randy successfully managing to sync his Blackberry via WIFI, though by his admission it failed more than not and was slow as balls. He then wins an award from the Crackberry website for most useless app ever designed and sells the rights to the technology to Apple.


	8. Ironing Board Girl

**_Chapter Eight_**  
 ** _Ironing Board Girl and the Moldy Cheese Situation_**

* * *

FADE IN EXT. CARTMAN RESIDENCE - DAY  
Establishing shot. STAN and KYLE can be heard shouting in frustration.

CUT TO INT. CARTMAN RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM  
STAN and KYLE are playing a video game as CARTMAN and KENNY spectate.

STAN:  
Dude! What the fuck?!

KYLE:  
Sorry, dude! It's so freaking hard to aim in this game!

CARTMAN:  
It's 'cause you suck and you're a Jew!

STAN:  
Dude! You did it again!

KYLE:  
Well, then stop moving in front of me when my fist and foot go huge!

STAN:  
Dude! Stop attacking me!

CARTMAN and KENNY laugh.

KYLE:  
Can't we turn off friendly fire?

CARTMAN:  
It's called give Cartman the controller so he can get you pussies passed the first level.

KYLE:  
Shut up, fat ass. You're not much better at this-

STAN stares blankly at the TV.

STAN:  
Dude... You killed all my guys!

KYLE:  
What?! Why is it game over for me too?!

CARTMAN:  
I told you, Kahl. Battletoads shows no mercy.

KYLE:  
Fucking seriously?! How the hell is this game even playable? We're either getting killed or killing each other!

STAN:  
More like you keep killing me...

KYLE:  
Why do you even have this game? It's older than we are.

CARTMAN:  
It's been all over the internet.

STAN:  
So you bought it off eBay?

CARTMAN:  
*laughs*  
Pfft! Yeah. Okay. More like I stole it and the Nintendo from those nerds down the street.

KYLE:  
You what?

CARTMAN:  
I left a note thanking them!

The other three boys stare at CARTMAN.

CARTMAN:  
*cont'd*  
What?

KYLE shakes his head in disgust as STAN tosses his controller to CARTMAN.

CARTMAN:  
Don't judge me, Kahl!  
*sighs*  
I swear to God, you so much as hit me I'll wrap this controller around your neck.

KYLE:  
Just shut up and put up, fat ass.

The game starts and the boys start mashing buttons. This goes on for a little bit until STAN and KENNY laugh and CARTMAN throws his controller across the room.

CARTMAN:  
*screaming*  
God damn it, Kahl! Stop bein' a god damn Jew and kill everyone but me!

KYLE:  
It's not my fault you walked in front of a giant foot!

CARTMAN:  
I'll give you a giant foot up your ass, douche bag!

CARTMAN leaps at KYLE and the two fall to the floor while throwing punches and yelling obscenities.

STAN:  
Huh.

STAN picks up KYLE's controller-

STAN:  
*cont'd*  
Wanna play, Kenny?

KENNY:  
[Nah. I'm good.]

\- and resumes the game.

STAN:  
Dude, this game is so much easier with only one person.

There is a knock at the door.

STAN:  
Cartman, there's someone at the door.

KYLE has CARTMAN pinned to the floor and is attempting to shove the other boy's hat down his throat. CARTMAN makes choking sounds.

STAN:  
*blinks*  
Never mind. I'll get it.

STAN hands KENNY the controller.

STAN:  
Here, Kenny.

STAN hops off the couch and opens the door to find WENDY.

WENDY:  
Stan?

STAN:  
Wendy?

WENDY:  
This is Cartman's house, right?

CARTMAN:  
*off screen*  
Who's at the door?  
*chokes*  
God dammit, Jew! Stop it!

STAN:  
What're you doing here?

WENDY:  
I was wondering if I could talk to Kyle.

KYLE is still on top of CARTMAN and choking him.

CARTMAN:  
Aw, hell no! Get that bitch off mah propertah! I don't need her bitchiness-

KYLE:  
Shut up, fat ass!

As the two in the living room start yelling again, the other two stand at the doorway quite awkwardly. STAN coughs.

WENDY:  
So...uh, what's been happening?

STAN:  
Oh, uh, you know... Playing video games.

KYLE:  
*off screen*  
Fuck you, fat ass!

CARTMAN:  
*off screen, strained*  
Drink mah pee, Jew!

STAN:  
Listening to those two fight.

WENDY:  
*flatly*  
Sounds like a blast.

STAN:  
Uh, yeah.

There is an awkward pause for a beat before KENNY comes up from behind STAN.

STAN:  
So, what's been happening with you?

WENDY:  
Oh, you know...

There is another awkward pause as the background yelling falls silent.

STAN:  
Actually, I don't. That's why I asked.

WENDY:  
Oh, right.

WENDY laughs nervously.

KENNY:  
[This isn't awkward.]

STAN:  
*hushed*  
No kidding.

KYLE comes up between STAN and KENNY and waves a greeting.

KYLE:  
Hey, Wendy!

KYLE looks around in confusion.

KYLE:  
*cont'd*  
Dude, I could cut the tension here with a knife.

STAN:  
Thanks for stating the obvious, Kyle.

KYLE:  
So, what's up?

WENDY:  
I was wondering if you'd like to join me for a movie?

KYLE:  
Sure! What movie?

STAN:  
Dude! We could totally go see the new Indiana Jones movie!

WENDY:  
Well, actually-

CARTMAN muscles his way between KYLE and STAN.

CARTMAN:  
Iron Man, you guys! Hands down!

KENNY:  
[No way! We should go see The Dark Knight!]

WENDY:  
Guys, I was-

STAN:  
I'll get the times!

KYLE:  
I'll get some money!

KENNY:  
[I'll get the bootleg camera!]

CARTMAN:  
I'll get the snacks, you guys!

WENDY:  
*slowly*  
-wanting to...

The boys each run off in different directions, leaving WENDY standing in the doorway. She sighs and slumps her shoulders.

WENDY:  
*cont'd*  
Well, shit. I should have seen this coming.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. TWEEK BROS COFFEE - DUSK  
Establishing shot.

CUT TO INT. TWEEK BROS COFFEE  
The five kids are spread out over two tables. KYLE and WENDY each have coffees, STAN has a soda manufactured by an independent soda maker, KENNY has a plastic cup of free water, and all the while CARTMAN ignores his ice cream bar and stares off at another table. WENDY appears to be glancing in the same direction and is slightly distressed at what she's seeing.

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
That bitch. First, she goes to see the same movie as us and now she has to hang out at the same place as us.

BEBE is conversing at a nearby table with ANNIE and RED. She looks over at the group and gives a shit eating grin.

KYLE:  
Just ignore it.

STAN:  
So, why did we come here again instead of going to Cold Stone like we planned?

WENDY:  
I wanted an iced coffee.

KENNY:  
[It's next door to the theater?]

KYLE:  
Plus Tweek gave us a discount.

Behind the counter, TWEEK jumps.

TWEEK:  
*twitches*  
Gaah!

STAN:  
Oh.  
*pauses*  
Actually, now that I think about it, when did you start drinking coffee?

WENDY:  
It was the day after my twelfth birthday. My dad bought a-

STAN:  
*raises an eyebrow*  
Uh, dude, aren't you nine?

WENDY suddenly gets a horrified expression on her face. She looks at KYLE, who merely shrugs his shoulders.

WENDY:  
I meant my last birthday!

She laughs nervously.

WENDY:  
*cont'd*  
Where's my head?

KYLE gives her a brief concerned look before joining everyone else in looking to CARTMAN as if expecting some kind of outburst.

KYLE:  
*slowly*  
Cartman, you fat fuck, don't...belittle...? Cartman?

The scene zooms in on one of CARTMAN's eyes. Inside his head, four CARTMANs in business suits sit at a conference table with a projector set up in the center. CARTMAN1 is standing near a screen on the far end of the room with a pointer. An image of BEBE is being projected onto said screen.

CARTMAN1:  
Gentlemen, this is the scenario. Bebe is sitting in the same room as us. She saw the same movie as us. She got the same kind of ice cream as us. *slaps the screen with the pointer* And now she keeps looking over at us and smiling! Okay. Now. I'm friggin' clueless as to what's goin' on hyah! Thoughts? Ideas?

CARTMAN3:  
*raises a hand*  
Maybe she just likes ice cream encased in a hard chocolate shell on a stick?

CARTMAN2:  
You guys! You guys! She thinks we're kewl! I mean, she played lambs with us!

CARTMAN4:  
Wait a minute... You guys... Think about this... Same movie, same coffee shop, and now smiles! What if...she like likes us?

The four CARTMANs gasp in unison.

CARTMAN3:  
My god...

CARTMAN1:  
God dammit, man! It's too early for those kinds of assumptions!

Suddenly the door opens and a fifth CARTMAN, dressed as a female secretary, pokes his head into the room.

CARTMAN5:  
*timidly*  
Uh, you guys, we totally just missed a chance to rip Hippie Testicleburger a new asshole.

CARTMAN1:  
*shakes fists*  
God dammit!

Back in the coffee shop, the other kids are staring at CARTMAN.

KYLE:  
Cartman?

STAN:  
Wow. I haven't seen him like this since we tricked him into eating my mom's Viking pills.

KENNY:  
[Somebody poke him.]

WENDY leans over and slaps CARTMAN across the face. He limply falls face first into a surprised STAN's lap before sliding off under the table and to the floor. The group looks to WENDY.

STAN:  
Dude, you broke him.

WENDY:  
*horrified*  
Nah-uh! He was already broken!

* * *

CUT TO EXT. BROFLOFSKI RESIDENCE - NIGHT  
Snow falls gently as KYLE and WENDY approach the house.

KYLE:  
So... What was that back at the coffee shop?

WENDY:  
What was what?

KYLE:  
You started drinking coffee when you were twelve?

WENDY:  
I...misspoke.

KYLE:  
There's more to those dreams we had, isn't there?

WENDY sighs.

KYLE:  
Dude, talk to me.

WENDY:  
Honestly, I'm not sure what that was. It just came out.

KYLE:  
So you made it up then?

WENDY:  
No. It's a distinct memory, but it's not at the same time. My dad bought a cappuccino machine for my twelfth birthday. I remember that. It was the first time I experienced the magnificence that is vanilla latte.

KYLE:  
But obviously that can't have happened yet.

WENDY:  
You'd think that.

She sighs.

WENDY:  
*cont'd*  
I just wish we could find out more information on this feh... feh-nom-eh-

KYLE:  
Strange occurrence?

WENDY:  
Yeah. That.

KYLE:  
Do you remember anything noteworthy?

WENDY:  
I... Well, I don't know.  
*pauses*  
It seems to come and go at random.

She smiles and takes KYLE's hand in hers.

WENDY:  
But I do remember you saving me from an incredibly lonely lifestyle.

KYLE:  
*grins*  
I remember that too. Not many details, mind you, but I'm glad I did it.

She takes his other hand.

WENDY:  
Me too. Thanks for hanging out with me tonight, Kyle.

She hugs him.

WENDY:  
*hushed*  
Even though you and your friends totally misunderstood my intentions...

KYLE:  
Wait. What?

* * *

CUT TO EXT. CARTMAN RESIDENCE - NIGHT  
Establishing shot. CARTMAN is heard moaning and mumbling random words.

CUT TO INT. CARTMAN RESIDENCE - CARTMAN'S ROOM  
CARTMAN continues to mumble as he tosses and turns in his sleep.

CARTMAN:  
*mumbles*  
Yes... Yes... I won...

In his dream, WENDY, KYLE, and STAN are sprawled and bloodied on the ground. CARTMAN laughs maniacally as he stands triumphantly over them.

CARTMAN:  
*shouting*  
I won! I fucking won!

BEBE suddenly comes up beside him and hugs him.

BEBE:  
I'm so glad you made those bitches pay, Eric!

CARTMAN:  
*laughs*  
I sure did, didn't I?

BEBE:  
*suggestively*  
Why don't we...

BEBE pauses as she eyes him up.

BEBE:  
*cont'd, suggestively*  
...go back to your place, big boy? I want to really show my...appreciation.

CARTMAN:  
Okay!

Suddenly, the two are in CARTMAN's room. CARTMAN is sitting in his bed wearing a bib that reads "Kiss me! I'm the Taste Tester!" BEBE walks into the room wearing a two piece red bikini and sets a cheesecake topped with strawberries on the bed in front of him. CARTMAN drools upon seeing the tasty dessert.

CARTMAN:  
Oh, god...

BEBE grins suggestively as she pulls a knife from her bikini bottom. She begins a very complicated and suggestive dance with the knife in hand. CARTMAN, meanwhile, just stares wide eyed and drooling. She finally cuts the cheesecake, takes a piece in her hand, and climbs into CARTMAN's lap. Her face hovers close to his ear.

BEBE:  
*suggestively*  
How'd you like to try my cheesecake, big boy?

Reality returns as CARTMAN quickly sits up in bed. He gasps for air as he wipes his brow.

CARTMAN:  
What the fuck was that?!  
*panics*  
Oh, god! This is the fourth night in a row! I hope I'm not- No, I can't be- Not for that-  
*dreamily*  
-beautiful blonde curly hair... Those jasmine shaded eyes...

He falls back to his bed and groans loudly.

CARTMAN:  
*cont'd, hushed*  
God dammit.  
*pauses*  
I almost had that cheesecake, too...

* * *

CUT TO EXT. BUS STOP  
STAN, KENNY, and CARTMAN are waiting.

STAN:  
I wonder where Kyle is.

KENNY shrugs.

CARTMAN:  
Really? Why care, Stan? Kahl is a gingery Jew. He has no soul and kills the saviors of those of us who do.

STAN:  
You're not even the least bit curious?

CARTMAN:  
Stan, look at this face.

CARTMAN points to his own face.

CARTMAN:  
*cont'd*  
Does this look like a face that cares?

STAN:  
I just see a fat ass.

CARTMAN:  
Ay! I'll kick you in the nuts!

There is silence for a beat.

CARTMAN:  
Let me ask you guys something.

STAN:  
No.

CARTMAN:  
What does it mean when you have dreams...about girls?

STAN:  
I think it depends.

CARTMAN:  
On what?

STAN:  
I dunno. Maybe on the kind of dreams they are?

CARTMAN:  
Like, there was this one time I dreamed that Patty Nelson was in my kitchen baking me pies while I watched naked.

STAN:  
I think that just means you're a fat ass.

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
Ay!

KENNY:  
[Ever dream about girls, Stan?]

STAN:  
*shrugs*  
I don't remember my dreams. Just...blackness. And sometimes a lamppost and an old dude in a trench coat.

KENNY:  
[Bullshit.]

STAN stuffs his hands into his pockets.

STAN:  
Okay, fine. I dream about playing poker with Lola and Wendy.

There is a pause for a beat.

CARTMAN:  
You dream about playing cards with girls? Ha! Fag!

STAN:  
And right before I wake up, they start kissing each other.

Another pause. Looks of intrigue suddenly flash on CARTMAN's and, presumably, KENNY's faces.

CARTMAN:  
I take that back. That is the single most awesome thing I've ever heard.  
*pauses*  
Today.

KENNY:  
[I'd pay to see that!]

STAN:  
Yeah, except last night the other girl was Red instead of Wendy. I just can't specifically remember what happened.

CARTMAN:  
Well, at least you've upgraded your taste in women, dude.

STAN:  
Really? I thought you hated gingers?

CARTMAN:  
This is true. I hate gingers with mah entire being, but I can sympathize with them. They can't help that they have no souls. Hippies, on the other hand, can help the fact that they have no jobs, listen to shitty music, and smell like Courtney Cox's sweaty poonanner in the sun.

KENNY laughs.

STAN:  
Gross, dude.

CARTMAN:  
You know what else is gross? I had a god damn dream about Bebe last night.

STAN:  
*raises an eyebrow*  
Do go on.

There is a pause. CARTMAN suddenly looks very uncomfortable and makes small frustrated noises.

CARTMAN:  
No.

STAN:  
No way, dude. You don't bring up something like that out the blue and not want to discuss it.

CARTMAN:  
*whines*  
Myah...

STAN:  
Just tell us, fat ass.

KENNY:  
[Yeah!]

KYLE and WENDY walk up and stand next to CARTMAN.

STAN:  
*confused*  
Hey...dudes?

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
What the hell is she doing here?

KYLE:  
We went back to my house afterwards last night to study and fell asleep on the floor.

KENNY:  
*to STAN*  
[Study my ass.]

STAN:  
I don't want to look at your ass, Kenny.

CARTMAN:  
That still doesn't change the fact that the bitch doesn't belong here!

WENDY:  
I have every right to be here if I want, fat ass.

CARTMAN:  
Myah! You're in my personal bubble hyah.

KYLE:  
*rolls eyes*  
Jesus Christ, fat ass. Get over yourself.

CARTMAN:  
*points, whines*  
Myah...

WENDY:  
Fine.

She swaps places with KYLE.

WENDY:  
*snidely*  
Better?

CARTMAN:  
No. Keep going. Farther away.

WENDY:  
*scoffs*  
Too bad. I'm not moving from this spot.

CARTMAN:  
*whines*  
Myah...

WENDY:  
*irked*  
Stop doing that. You sound like a retard.

CARTMAN:  
*whines*  
Myah!

The two argue in the background.

STAN:  
*to KYLE*  
You alright, dude? You look tired.

KYLE:  
I told you, we fell asleep on my floor. Not exactly a good night's sleep.

KENNY:  
[Did she smoke your pipe?]

KYLE:  
Dude, she doesn't smoke...

KENNY laughs.

STAN:  
So, what? You guys thought studying would be a good idea after a movie?

KYLE:  
Well, yeah.

WENDY:  
*off screen*  
Stop pulling my hair, fat ass!

CARTMAN:  
*off screen*  
Stop sprayin' it as you say it, bitch!

KENNY:  
[I bet it was nasty, whatever it was they studied.]

KYLE:  
The radiation fall out at Shar-noble was pretty nasty.

STAN:  
I wonder how many people gained super powers after that.

As the three boys ponder that, WENDY and CARTMAN rejoin the group.

WENDY:  
Fuck off, turd pants.

CARTMAN:  
Ay! Go fuck an electric cattle prod, Testicleburger!

CARTMAN's laugh is cut short when WENDY smacks him upside the head.

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
God dammit!  
*shouts*  
Stop hitting me, you fucking bitch!

WENDY:  
*tersely*  
Well, then, stop making me want to hit you, asshole!

The bus pulls up.

KENNY:  
[So did you feel up some titties, Kyle?]

KYLE:  
*scoffs*  
No. And stop asking.

* * *

CUT TO INT. THE SCHOOL BUS  
WENDY, sitting alone, is suddenly startled to find CARTMAN staring down at her from the seat in front.

WENDY:  
*irked*  
God dammit, Cartman! Don't do that!

CARTMAN:  
*meekly*  
I, um... Sorry.

WENDY:  
*confused*  
That is totally not the response I was expecting.

CARTMAN:  
Wendy, can I talk to you?

WENDY:  
*raises an eyebrow*  
What's the catch?

CARTMAN holds his hands up in defense.

CARTMAN:  
I'm seriously! I just want to talk to you!

WENDY cautiously looks around as if expecting something to happen.

WENDY:  
Forgive me if I'm not quite convinced.

CARTMAN:  
I-I just want to talk to you about Bebe.

WENDY:  
*surprised*  
Bebe? What about her?

There is an uncomfortable pause.

CARTMAN:  
*stammers*  
Duh-does she like anyone?

There is another silence as WENDY attempts to keep a straight face.

CARTMAN:  
*panics*  
What? What's so funny?

She finally loses her composure and laughs hysterically.

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
God dammit! Stop laughing, you fucking bitch!

WENDY slouches in her seat as she regains her composure.

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
Well?

WENDY wipes tears from her eyes.

WENDY:  
Sorry. I don't know what came over me.

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
God dammit, Windy! Just answer my god damn question!

WENDY:  
*snorts*  
Honestly, I'm not sure.

CARTMAN:  
Buh-but why not?

WENDY:  
We haven't been on fantastic speaking terms for the last couple of weeks, fat ass. Try to keep up with current events.

CARTMAN grunts.

WENDY:  
*raises an eyebrow*  
So, why ask if she likes anyone?

CARTMAN:  
Just curious, dawg. Y'know, networkin' n' shit.

WENDY:  
*unconvinced*  
Riiight... Sorry I can't help you, Cartman.

CARTMAN dejectedly nods-

CARTMAN:  
*sadly*  
Okay...

-and disappears back behind the seat with a sigh. WENDY suddenly looks as if she feels sorry for him.

WENDY:  
Hey, Cartman.

His excited face pops back up.

WENDY:  
I'll keep my ears open for you, okay?

The two smile at each other.

CARTMAN:  
Thanks, Wendy. Despite what I say, you're not all that bad for a raging Bitchzilla.

WENDY suddenly looks very pissed.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY  
Establishing shot.

CUT TO INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - HALLWAY OUTSIDE RESTROOMS  
STAN and KYLE walk through the scene and off screen.

STAN:  
I wonder where Cartman is?

KYLE:  
Since when did either of us care?

STAN:  
*off screen*  
Good point.

PIP, BUTTERS, CRAIG, and CLYDE can be heard from within the restrooms.

PIP:  
But, gentlemen, I fail to see why you wished to speak with us in here.

CLYDE:  
Take a look in that stall and you'll understand.

CLYDE can be heard snickering.

BUTTERS:  
Juh-gee whiz, fellahs. I don't see anything except for some poo that didn't get flushed.  
CRAIG:  
*slyly*  
Well, I guess we'd better do something about that.

PIP:  
*frightened*  
Now, gentlemen, please, I urge you to reconsider this.

Sounds of a struggle ensue until the sounds of multiple toilets flushing are heard. PIP and BUTTERS scream as WENDY walks in frame with LOLA.

LOLA:  
What was that?

The two boys scream again as toilets are flushed.

WENDY:  
Screams?!

She rushes into the boys restroom leaving the other girl to give a confused look.

CRAIG:  
What the hell?

CLYDE:  
Crap! It's Wendy!

PIP:  
Wendy?! Oh, bless you, madam!

WENDY:  
What the fuck do you assholes think you're doing?

CLYDE:  
Um, nothing?

WENDY:  
Unhand those melvins!

CRAIG:  
You'll have to kill us first, bitch!

WENDY:  
Okay then!

LOLA cringes as loud banging sounds and screams emerge from the closed door. At this point, JIMMY hobbles up next to the girl and stares at the door along with her. KENNY can be seen watching in the background.

JIMMY:  
Huh-hey, Lola. Whuh-what are you staring at, very much?

Before LOLA can answer, a loud girlish scream is heard followed by the sound of running water. Water rushes out into the hallway from under the door causing JIMMY and LOLA take a surprised step back.

JIMMY:  
*shocked*  
Juh-Jesus Christ!

The door suddenly splinters open as CRAIG flies out into the hallway, bloodied and bruised.

WENDY:  
Get back here, asshole!

WENDY, now with mussed hair, a black eye, and several bleeding scratches on her face, exits the restroom, grabs one of CRAIG's legs, and pulls him back into the lavatory.

CRAIG:  
*pleading*  
Please help me...

LOLA and JIMMY look upon the scene, flabbergasted.

JIMMY:  
Shuh-should we help him?

LOLA:  
And get in the way of Wendy's blood lust? I think not.

JIMMY:  
Point tuh-taken.

Everything suddenly goes silent before WENDY strolls triumphantly out into the hallway followed closely by PIP and BUTTERS, who both suffer from wet heads and shoulders.

PIP:  
*excitedly*  
My goodness! That was a smashing performance, Miss Wendy!

WENDY:  
*nonchalantly*  
Eh.

She shrugs.

PIP:  
But did you really have to go to such extreme measures?

Inside the destroyed restroom, CRAIG is headfirst in a toilet while CLYDE is collapsed against the wall with a toilet seat around his neck.

CRAIG:  
*muffled*  
I blame you for this, asshole.

As CLYDE starts crying, the scene goes back to the hallway.

WENDY:  
You call that extreme?

BUTTERS:  
Oh, buh-boy! You could be a superhero and save kuh-kids like us who are in trouble!

WENDY taps her chin in thought.

WENDY:  
Really?  
*pauses*  
I could be...Batgirl!

JIMMY:  
I buh-believe Alicia Silverstone is Batgirl.

WENDY:  
Oh... Right. What about Wonder Girl?

LOLA:  
Uh, Wendy, don't you have to have huge boobs for a name like that?

WENDY:  
*exasperated*  
Am I really that flat?!

Everyone else shrugs and adopts uncomfortable looks as she pulls out her jacket and looks down through the neck hole.

WENDY:  
*dejectedly*  
Oh, god! I'm as flat as an ironing board! God, I wish I was older and had- No, wait!  
*thoughtfully*  
Most super heroines have huge breasts, but I don't...  
*excitedly*  
I'll be the world's first real life politically correct super heroine! It's perfect!

She adopts a heroic pose.

WENDY:  
I'll be Ironing Board Girl!

LOLA raises an eyebrow.

BUTTERS:  
*raises an eyebrow*  
Uh-Ironing Board Girl?

WENDY:  
I have plans to iron out and enemies to press and fold! I'm off!

WENDY runs off, leaving the rest of the group standing there.

JIMMY:  
I have a queh-question.

LOLA looks to JIMMY.

JIMMY:  
Huh-how can you tell if a guh-girl is flat chuh-chested?

LOLA:  
*raises an eyebrow*  
How?

JIMMY:  
She wears sus-sus...suspenders to hold her bra up, very much.

LOLA rolls her eyes and sighs.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - PLAYGROUND  
The boys are hanging out near the slide. STAN and KYLE are conversing, KENNY is listening in, and yet CARTMAN seems to be staring sadly into space.

KYLE:  
Where the hell is Wendy? We were going to study some history together.

STAN:  
What? As opposed to spending recess with us?

KYLE:  
Well, yeah. No offense, but just standing here by the slide is kind of...boring.

STAN and KENNY share a glance.

STAN:  
Okay, okay. Rub it in, dude.

KENNY:  
[Maybe she got tired of waiting on you to make the first move.]

KYLE:  
First move for what?

KENNY laughs.

STAN:  
She could have gone home sick.

KYLE:  
Maybe.

STAN:  
Of course, you realize that there's only one way to find out for sure.

KYLE:  
What's that?

STAN:  
You ask Bebe.

CARTMAN suddenly stirs to life.

KYLE:  
I dunno. She might not have a clue. I think they're still not talking.

CARTMAN:  
What's this about Bebe?

STAN and KENNY again share a glance, this time with KYLE.

STAN:  
Are you sure you're okay, Cartman?

KYLE:  
Yeah, aside from you fighting with Wendy at the bus stop this morning, you've been pretty quiet today.

CARTMAN:  
I'm fine, god dammit! What the hell is this? The friggin' Spanish Inquisition?

KYLE:  
And this is the third time today that you've jumped at the mention of Bebe.

STAN Fourth, actually.

CARTMAN:  
*nervously*  
What're you tryin' to say, Jew-face?

KYLE:  
*raises an eyebrow*  
"Jew-face"? Really, Cartman?

CARTMAN:  
*nervously*  
Shuh-shut up, asshole!

KYLE:  
What're you hiding, fat ass?

CARTMAN:  
Nothing!

STAN:  
We're not stupid, dude. The kindergartners could figure that you're hiding something. I mean, bringing up that you dreamed about Bebe and then refusing to talk about it?

KYLE:  
Well, that's not suspicious.

KENNY:  
[I'll bet you guys twenty bucks that he's got-]

CARTMAN:  
All right! All right!

CARTMAN sighs.

CARTMAN:  
*cont'd*  
You win.  
*pauses*  
You guys...  
*hushed*  
...I think I have a crush on Bebe.

The other three boys start laughing hysterically.

CARTMAN:  
Why the hell are you assholes laughing?!

KYLE:  
I never would have thought to hear straight from your mouth that you like a girl!

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
What the hell is that supposed to mean?!

STAN:  
Well, to be honest, we've been waiting for you to come out and tell us that that you're gay.

KENNY nods.

CARTMAN:  
*tersely*  
What.

STAN:  
I mean, if you are, that's cool, dude. We don't care.

Inside CARTMAN's head, the four CARTMANs are absolutely shocked.

CARTMAN1:  
*pissed*  
Those assholes thought we were a friggin' queer-bag?! That's it! Now I'm all pissed off!

CARTMAN3:  
*shocked*  
Wait a minute! You mean we're not?  
*pissed*  
God dammit!

Back on the playground-

KYLE:  
I should go talk with Bebe to find out what's going on...

STAN:  
*sarcastically*  
Yeah. Good luck with that.

KYLE:  
I know, right?

CARTMAN:  
Ask her about me, Jew!

KYLE:  
*disinterested*  
Yeah, okay.

CARTMAN:  
Kahl, I'm seriously!

* * *

CUT TO EXT. TESTABURGER RESIDENCE - DAY  
Establishing shot.

CUT TO INT. TESTABURGER RESIDENCE - ATTIC  
Light from the nearby window filters in to illuminate the dust particles in the air. Three lines of light suddenly appear on the floor and expand to form a square.

WENDY:  
*off screen*  
Thanks for coming along, guys!

BUTTERS:  
*off screen*  
Whuh-well, that's okay, Wendy! I didn't feel like being at school today, anyways. No, sir.

WENDY pokes her head up through the opening she created in the floor and promptly coughs from the dust. When she climbs the rest of the way up, PIP and BUTTERS soon follow.

PIP:  
Do you think you can find a smashing outfit up 'ere, Miss Wendy?

WENDY:  
I'm not sure. I guess it'll jump out at me when I see it. Let's split up and see what we can find.

BUTTERS:  
Oh, buh-boy! This sounds like some fun for Treasure Hunter Butters!

PIP:  
Oh, my! We could most certainly pretend to be pirates searching the musty caves for the booty of the blarney Cap'n Blackbeard!

BUTTERS:  
Arrrrgh!

BUTTERS laughs.

WENDY:  
*pirate voice*  
Arright, yer scurvy dogs! I be Cap'n Wendy and I be demandin' ya git ta findin' me coveted booty!

The two boys laugh.

PIP:  
Oh, I do say that you're mistaken, Wendy! Girls shan't be pirates!

WENDY:  
*flatly*  
Just get looking or I'll make the both of you walk the plank.

PIP:  
*gulps*  
Yes'm.

BUTTERS:  
Juh-geeze Louise! I don't want to be friends with fishes! My dad'll ground me for sure!

The three kids separate and begin to dig through boxes. They root around in silence for a bit before WENDY gasps and gets a horrified look on her face.

WENDY:  
I forgot to tell Kyle that I left school!

PIP and BUTTERS share a confused look.

PIP:  
Oh, but what is the importance of that?

* * *

CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - PLAYGROUND  
KYLE approaches BEBE, RED, ANNIE, and LOLA at the swings.

KYLE:  
Hi, girls.

BEBE raises an eyebrow.

ANNIE/RED/LOLA:  
Hi, Kyle!

BEBE:  
*flatly*  
What do you want?

KYLE:  
Dude, I've got a question: Do you know where Wendy is?

BEBE crosses her arms and scoffs. The other three girls adopt troubled expressions.

BEBE:  
What makes you think I know where that bitch is?

KYLE:  
I dunno. Maybe because you guys used to be friends?

BEBE snorts and promptly walks off. KYLE frowns and regards the other three girls.

KYLE:  
What the hell is her problem?

RED:  
You mentioned the Whore Bitch.

ANNIE:  
Yeah. How did you expect her to react?

KYLE:  
I dunno. With a yes or no?

RED:  
*scoffs*  
You're really thick-headed, you know.

KYLE:  
*raises an eyebrow*  
Dude, it was a yes or no question.

ANNIE:  
You're a boy, so you wouldn't understand.

KYLE:  
Look, do you know where she is or not?

RED and ANNIE both shrug.

LOLA:  
Um... She left school before first period.

KYLE:  
What? Why?

RED and ANNIE stare at LOLA, which causes her to nervously wring her hands.

LOLA:  
Um...

CUT TO

INT. TESTABURGER RESIDENCE - ATTIC WENDY stumbles upon a box and squeals in delight. PIP and BUTTERS suddenly appear behind her.

PIP:  
Oh! What did you find?

WENDY:  
*excitedly*  
Hopefully something that'll blow our minds!

As WENDY slowly opens the chest, BUTTERS bursts with anticipation.

BUTTERS:  
Oh, boy! Oh, boy! I can't wait to find out what it is!

WENDY pulls out a snow white leotard and hugs it tightly.

WENDY:  
I can't believe that my parents kept this! I used to have so much fun playing with this!

PIP:  
Playing what, madam?

WENDY:  
*flatly*  
I used to put it on and stuff it with pillows to pretend to be Rosie O'Donnell.

The room falls silent with an awkward moment. PIP coughs and plays with his collar. BUTTERS suddenly finds a nearby box interesting.

WENDY:  
It's okay. I was a dumb kid then.

BUTTERS laughs.

BUTTERS:  
Yeah! That is pretty dumb!

He looks up from his box.

BUTTERS:  
*cont'd*  
Who'd want to pretend to be that mean ol' bitch?

When WENDY glares at BUTTERS, PIP interjects.

PIP:  
Oh! I bet you'd look stunning in that if we dyed it black! You'd turn all the chap's heads!

WENDY attempts to look at her own butt.

WENDY:  
Are you saying that I'm not hot in my normal clothing?

PIP:  
*waves his hand*  
Never mind about that, miss! We'll have to find you a face mask and put something on the front so people know who you are when you rush in to save the day!

WENDY:  
What do you have in mind?

BUTTERS:  
*off screen*  
Hey, Wendy!

The other two kids look in BUTTERS' direction to find him wearing a much too big pink dress complete with matching high heels, a long flowing blonde wig, and a gold crown.

BUTTERS:  
I can be your side kick, Princess Butters!

As PIP looks on confused, WENDY sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose.

WENDY:  
*mutters*  
Sure, Butters. That's just peachy.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - PLAYGROUND  
The boys minus KYLE are still by the slide.

STAN:  
Sorry, dude, but I really don't think Bebe'll be interested. I mean, you're fat, racist, stupid-

KENNY:  
[-irresponsible-]

STAN:  
Yeah! Irresponsible-

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
Okay, you guys.

STAN:  
-foul mouthed-

STAN pinches his nose and waves a hand in front of his face.

STAN:  
Whoo! -and you smell like moldy cheese.

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
God dammit, assholes! You think I want these stupid feelings for a-  
*pauses*  
Ay! I don't smell like cheese!

STAN:  
So you're gay then?

CARTMAN:  
*shouting*  
God dammit, Stan! Stop acting like the god damn Jew! No, I'm not gay! No, I don't want these pussy feelings! And no, I don't smell like friggin' cheese!

STAN:  
Dude, I said moldy cheese. There's a difference.

CARTMAN sits on the ground and starts crying just as KYLE rejoins them.

KYLE:  
Jesus. I was only gone for a few minutes...

KENNY shrugs.

CARTMAN:  
*crying*  
I've been so confused outta my mind, I, I don't know what to do! Part of me wants to find the bitch and rip 'er god damn head off! But then...another part of me wants to...take her in my arms...and whisper touchy-feely crap in her ear...

STAN:  
*stunned*  
Wow.

KYLE:  
My god... I never thought I'd ever see this.

KYLE kneels next to the troubled boy and puts a hand on his shoulder.

KYLE:  
Look, dude. I think your chances with Bebe are pretty slim.

CARTMAN wipes tears from his eyes.

CARTMAN:  
Way to make me feel better, Jew.

KYLE:  
I said "slim" not "none", dude! Jesus Christ! Just ask her out!

CARTMAN:  
How do I do that?

STAN:  
Well, just figure out what you guys have in common and go from there.

CARTMAN:  
Um...

There is a small pause.

STAN:  
Actually, do you guys even interact at all?

CARTMAN:  
*stands*  
We have class together...

STAN:  
Besides that.

CARTMAN:  
*pauses*  
No.

KYLE:  
Then you have no chance, dude.

CARTMAN:  
*pinches the bridge of his nose*  
Okay. So I ask Bebe out. What then?

STAN:  
What then what?

CARTMAN:  
Like, what if she says yes?

STAN:  
Do you even have to ask?

KYLE:  
*counts on his fingers*  
Hugs. Kisses. More kisses. Even more kisses.

KENNY:  
[And blow jobs.]

CARTMAN:  
*ecstatic*  
Yeah! I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna ask that slut to go out with me and give me all the kisses and blow jobs I deserve!

KYLE:  
Good for you, fat ass. If you getting a girlfriend means a kinder and gentler Eric Cartman, then I'm all for it.

CARTMAN:  
Thanks, you guys! But, um, what's a blow job?

STAN:  
Not important right now.

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
Ay!

STAN:  
*to KYLE*  
What'd Bebe say about Wendy?

KYLE:  
She wouldn't-

CARTMAN:  
*excited*  
Did she ask about me?

KYLE:  
Sorry, dude. Anyway, I asked-

CARTMAN:  
She didn't ask at all?

KYLE:  
*annoyed*  
Jesus Christ, fat ass! I'm trying to talk here!

CARTMAN:  
So, I take that to mean that she didn't?

STAN pinches the bridge of his nose and shakes his head.

KYLE:  
*rolls eyes*  
Just when I was starting to think higher of you, Cartman.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK MAIN STREET DISTRICT  
A sweeping pan shows the various people of South Park going about their business.

GENERIC ANNOUNCER:  
Just like any other small American town the people of South Park think they're safe from harm...

The pan stops on the South Park Bank just as a loud alarm fills the air. The people in the street flee in all directions as the big, hulking, and silvery PROFESSOR CHAOS (as seen in BUTTERS' mind) smashes through the front door with several bags of money in tow.

PROFESSOR CHAOS:  
That was too easy!

GENERIC ANNOUNCER:  
...until the local super villain robs the bank.

As a police helicopter hovers in the air above the scene, a POLICE OFFICER leans out with a megaphone.

POLICE OFFICER:  
We've got you surrounded, Chaos!

PROFESSOR CHAOS shakes a fist into the air.

PROFESSOR CHAOS:  
You'll never take me alive, copper!

He pulls his green cloak over his chest. Not a moment later, he whips it open and shuffles his feet to take on a fighting stance.

PROFESSOR CHAOS:  
Chaos Sphere!

As he does, a large ball of dark energy flies from his cloak at high speed and connects with the helicopter. The sky darkens at the connection as lighting shoots out in all directions from the point of contact. The helicopter and the POLICE OFFICER expand in size for a moment and then shrink into a singularity. PROFESSOR CHAOS laughs maniacally.

WENDY:  
*off screen*  
Chaos!

PROFESSOR CHAOS's expression drops immediately into one of surprise before sliding into one of anger.

PROFESSOR CHAOS:  
*pissed*  
You!

He looks up.

PROFESSOR CHAOS:  
*cont'd*  
Ironing Board Girl!

On the roof of the bank, the tall, thin, and lithe black leather clad IRONING BOARD GIRL (as seen in WENDY's mind) looks down with a cheeky grin. The super heroine pulls hair away from her eyes.

IRONING BOARD GIRL:  
Did ya miss me?

PROFESSOR CHAOS draws his cloak once more.

PROFESSOR CHAOS:  
I won't this time! Chaos Sphere!

He whips his cloak open again to send another ball of energy in IRONING BOARD GIRL's direction. She pulls the ironing board off her back and uses it to slide down a conveniently placed nearby ice slope to safety. The ball of energy hits the bank and compresses a large portion of it into a singularity. She comes to a stop in the center of the street opposite of PROFESSOR CHAOS. When she leaps off her board, it somehow becomes airborne and settles on her back all on its own.

IRONING BOARD GIRL:  
Aww... That's sweet. You did miss me!

A ball of energy forms in the professor's hand as he gives an evil grin.

PROFESSOR CHAOS:  
I'm afraid your days of starching my plans are over!

IRONING BOARD GIRL leaps out of the way just as a ball of energy strikes where she once stood. After hitting the ground, she rolls to a pose of her feet firmly on the ground, one hand flat on said ground to support her upper body, the other arm pointed behind her for balance, and ass in the air; all in the style of comic book fanservice.

PROFESSOR CHAOS:  
Go forth, my minions!

Two very large and very humanoid hamsters clad in iron armor and brandishing very large war hammers burst out of the nearby sewer hole.

PROFESSOR CHAOS:  
Attack that Ironing Board Bitch! And bring about...CHAOS!

As PROFESSOR CHAOS laughs maniacally, IRONING BOARD GIRL finds herself backed against a wall by the two very large and hulking hamsters. She produces a silver clothes iron from her utility belt and swings it in circles by the power chord.

IRONING BOARD GIRL:  
Well, it would seem that as the representative of the powerful, yet oppressed, small breasted female community, I have a wrinkle of a situation to iron out. What do you think, SteamFast?

The iron swinging by her side starts to glow red.

STEAMFAST THE IRON: I think these guys need to be PRESSED, IBG!

Just as IRONING BOARD GIRL lets SteamFast fly towards the closest hamster, the screen cuts to a close up of her face, freezes, and turns black and white.

GENERIC ANNOUNCER:  
Will Ironing Board Girl starch Professor Chaos's best laid plan? Will she iron out the Hamster Minions or will they wrinkle her up like a shirt left in a dryer? Find out in the next issue of Ironing Board Girl! Brought to you by Marvel Comics!  
*quickly*  
If you thought the Billy Ray Cyrus comic was awesome, you'll love this!

After a moment, the scene unfreezes. IRONING BOARD GIRL brings a walkie-talkie to her mouth and speaks into it.

IRONING BOARD GIRL:  
Sir Charles, this is Ironing Board Girl. Over.

PIP:  
*walkie-talkie*  
Oh! This is Sir Charles. Reading you loud and clear, miss!

IRONING BOARD GIRL:  
I'm positioned in front of the school. How much longer until the final bell rings?

PIP:  
*walkie-talkie*  
I estimate in about one minute.

Color returns to the scene.

IRONING BOARD GIRL:  
Roger. Agent Margarine? Do you read me?  
*pauses*  
Agent Margarine, do you read me?  
*pauses*  
Butters!

BUTTERS:  
*walkie-talkie*  
O-oh! I-I copy!

IRONING BOARD GIRL:  
Are you in position with the camera, BUTTERS?

BUTTERS:  
Y-yes, ma'am!

IRONING BOARD GIRL:  
Remember, Butters! When I start kicking ass, make sure to get a lot of pictures for my scrap book!

BUTTERS:  
Okay!

When a loud echoing bell chime fills the air, the camera zooms out to reveal WENDY in a shoddier version of her superhero persona. The leotard has been poorly dyed and is extremely ill-fitting. A photo of an ironing board has been safety pinned to her chest. She smirks as she places the walkie-talkie in her backpack and pulls out her half-sized ironing board.

WENDY:  
You bullies better hope that I don't see you pressing on the less fortunate!  
*hushed*  
Ironing Board Girl is ready to iron out some justice!

She runs off into the trees bordering the school.

* * *

CUT TO INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - HALLWAY  
BEBE pulls a book from the depths of her locker and closes the door. She jumps when she discovers CARTMAN standing behind her.

BEBE:  
Jesus Christ, fat ass! Don't do that!

CARTMAN:  
*shirks back*  
I, uh, sorry.

CARTMAN nervously looks everywhere except at BEBE while she grows impatient.

BEBE:  
Can I help you?

CARTMAN:  
*nervously*  
Um, yeah... Uh, Bebe? I know this might seem a little...odd, but I...I was wondering if maybe you'd, um, you'd...

Bebe:  
If I'd what...?

CARTMAN:  
*nervously, quickly*  
The guys and I were wondering if you would see a movie with us tonight!

BEBE raises an unconvinced eyebrow.

BEBE:  
Is Kyle's bitch going to be there?

CARTMAN:  
I don't want her to be, but knowing the Jew...

BEBE:  
I think I'll pass then.

CARTMAN:  
*panics*  
But she wants to apologize!

BEBE:  
What?

CARTMAN:  
*quickly*  
It's true! It was her idea!

BEBE:  
Then why isn't she here asking me herself?

CARTMAN just stares in a slight panic. Elsewhere, not too far away, STAN and KYLE look to CARTMAN when he approaches.

STAN:  
So how did it go? You talk to her?

CARTMAN:  
Uh, yeah.

KYLE:  
Well? What happened?

CARTMAN:  
Well, she's coming to the movies with us tonight.

STAN:  
Okay, group function. Good way to break ice.

CARTMAN:  
Except...

KYLE:  
Here we go...

CARTMAN:  
The movie has to be that gay ass Twilight movie.

STAN and KYLE share a look.

KYLE:  
That's cool, I guess. Wendy won't go, then. She says she can't stand Twilight-  
*narrows his eyes*  
-yet she's reading the book.

STAN:  
That makes perfect sense.

CARTMAN:  
About that... Wendy has to be there and apologize to Bebe.

KYLE:  
What?! Dude! Why?

CARTMAN:  
I, uh, kinda suggested it...

KYLE grabs CARTMAN by the collar and shakes him.

KYLE:  
Why would you do that? Wendy won't apologize for Bebe being the bitch!

CARTMAN:  
I panicked!

KYLE:  
Oh, shit! Now I have to find Wendy and tell her! No...

KYLE points at CARTMAN.

KYLE: *cont'd*  
You're going to tell her!

CARTMAN:  
Why the fuck me?!

KYLE:  
Because, artard! I'm not getting my ass kicked for your fuck up!

CARTMAN:  
Ay! Screw you, Jew! She's your bitch! Get her under control!

KYLE:  
She's not my bitch, fat ass!

STAN:  
*mutters*  
Could've fooled me.

KYLE:  
Besides, I can't control her any more than you can control the weather!

CARTMAN:  
I can too control the weather!

The two walk off leaving STAN behind.

KYLE:  
That's a TV remote, fat ass!

CARTMAN:  
God dammit, Kahl! I can so control weather! Seriously! My mom said so!

STAN smirks and follows them.

STAN:  
Well, my night just got interesting.

* * *

CUT TO  
EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - FRONT GROUNDS  
Various kids burst out of the front doors screaming and screeching in joy like howler monkeys. STAN, KYLE, and CARTMAN vacate the front entrance and make their way to the highway. BEBE, RED, and LOLA can be seen walking off screen left towards a thicket of trees.

STAN:  
Okay, here's the plan for tonight. Kyle finds Wendy and gives her an update on the situation.

KYLE:  
Check.

CARTMAN:  
I don't understand why we're hanging out with that bitch so much lately.

KYLE:  
Stop bitching, fat ass. Just remember that you're the reason for tonight.

CARTMAN:  
Hold on, Kahl. Let me go get my giant ass drill and see if I can strike it rich with care from Givafuck Bay.

KYLE:  
Cartman-

STAN:  
Guys!  
*pauses*  
Cartman, stop being a fat bitch, grab Bebe, and meet us at the theater in time for the movie.

KYLE:  
What're you going to do?

STAN:  
I'm going to see if I can find Kenny.

KYLE:  
Where is he, anyway?

STAN shrugs. Inside CARTMAN's head, three of the four business suit CARTMANs sit at the table as CARTMAN1 stands near the projection screen. Said screen is still covered with a projection of BEBE. CARTMAN1 stops poking the image in the nether regions when CARTMAN3 speaks.

CARTMAN3:  
You know, I really do love it when Stan gets all high and mighty. Sometimes... I like to close my eyes and pretend he's playing bad ass leader with me...  
*dreamily*  
Oh, Stan...

CARTMAN1, now looking pissed off, whacks CARTMAN3 on the head with his pointer.

CARTMAN3:  
*rubbing his head*  
Ow! God dammit!

CARTMAN1:  
Shut the hell up, fag! This isn't network TV, so nobody cares about your queer ass fantasies!

CARTMAN1 glares at CARTMAN4 when he meekly raises a hand.

CARTMAN4:  
I'm interested.

Back in reality, CARTMAN gives STAN an evil glare.

CARTMAN:  
*sarcastically*  
I just love it when you play the part of the bad ass leader, Stan.

Elsewhere, BEBE, RED, and LOLA are approached by CRAIG, CLYDE, KEVIN STOLEY, and TOKEN.

CRAIG:  
*slyly*  
Hey, girls.

RED:  
*sarcastically*  
Oh, look! It's Craig and his Dork Squadron.

KEVIN:  
Actually, it's Rogue Squadron.

CLYDE rolls his eyes.

BEBE:  
What do you want?

CRAIG flips them off.

CRAIG:  
Where's Wendy?

RED:  
*rolls eyes*  
Here we go.

BEBE:  
*sighs forcefully*  
What the makes you asshole boys think I know or care where that whore is?

CRAIG shares a surprised look with CLYDE and KEVIN. TOKEN, on the other hand, doesn't look surprised.

TOKEN:  
I tried telling you.

CRAIG:  
Um... You're friends?

BEBE:  
*tersely*  
Does anybody around here pay attention to current events?

CLYDE:  
*confused*  
What's that supposed to mean?

CRAIG:  
I think it means she'll willingly help us.

BEBE:  
*raises an eyebrow*  
What makes you think that?

Sometime later, the girls are now gagged and bound together to a tree.

CRAIG:  
This makes me think that.

KEVIN:  
I still think we should encase them in carbonite!

CRAIG:  
We're not going to encase them in carbonite, Kevin!

KEVIN:  
*dejected*  
Oh...

CLYDE:  
Where would we even FIND carbonite this time of year?

CRAIG:  
Guys! Enough of the carbonite! This is the plan! We hide in the trees and wait for the bitch to show up and rescue her friends!

TOKEN:  
What makes you think she'll show up?

WENDY suddenly appears behind the unaware boys. Her expression is one of displeasure. CRAIG cracks his knuckles.

CRAIG:  
She and I have unfinished business from this morning. Plus her friends are "in trouble". She'll show up.

BEBE struggles against her bonds and tries audibly to get the boys' attention. WENDY removes the mini ironing board from the strap on her back.

CLYDE:  
What'd you say?

BEBE, again, struggles to voice something. The befuddled CLYDE stares at BEBE, completely lost in what to do. CRAIG rolls his eyes in annoyance. WENDY, in the meantime, has poised to strike.

CRAIG:  
Remove her gag, Kevin.

KEVIN complies and before it's completely off her mouth-

BEBE:  
*screaming*  
I said she's right behind you, asshole!

Just as CRAIG's expression drops, WENDY brings the ironing board down solidly on CLYDE's head with a loud crack. In the background, the noise can be seen catching the attention of STAN, KYLE, and CARTMAN. CLYDE smiles happily and falls face first to the ground. CRAIG attempts to put distance between himself and WENDY before flipping her off.

CRAIG:  
You!

WENDY:  
*grins*  
Hi, Craig! Miss me?

The bound girls struggle against their binds.

BEBE:  
Wendy, stop flirting like a whore and untie us!

WENDY makes no attempt to address BEBE and simply raises a middle finger. After BEBE scoffs-

TOKEN:  
I've seen first hand what kind of damage Wendy can do. I'm outta here!

He promptly runs off, leaving CRAIG trapped and KEVIN unsure of what to do.

CRAIG:  
Do something, retard!

KEVIN:  
*noticeably scared*  
Buh-but that wasn't part of the deal!

CRAIG:  
*pissed*  
We didn't have any kind of deal, asshole!

WENDY:  
*evenly*  
Kevin, I have nothing against you. Pray I don't change that any further.

KEVIN:  
*quickly*  
This deal gets worse all the time!

KEVIN bolts.

WENDY:  
Looks like it's just you and me now, Craig. Should I be gentle like a delicate load of laundry? Or...

She grins as she rubs a finger over the tip of her board.

WENDY:  
Or should I break your fucking skull for tying up my friends and some blonde-haired bimbo?

BEBE:  
*pissed*  
I'm right here, you know.

CRAIG flips WENDY off.

CRAIG:  
Fuck off.

STAN, KYLE, and CARTMAN finally arrive on the scene with confused looks on their faces.

KYLE:  
What the hell?

CARTMAN:  
Damn. Wendy looks fucking pissed.

STAN:  
Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.

WENDY raises an eyebrow in confusion and turns to regard the boys.

WENDY:  
Stan?

CRAIG takes the opportunity to grab WENDY by the abdomen and covers her mouth with a hand. She attempts to speak, but fails to do so. Her weapon falls uselessly to the ground.

KYLE:  
Dude!

BEBE:  
*rolls eyes*  
Jesus. Who didn't see that coming?

Both RED and LOLA attempt to speak, but fail.

CRAIG:  
Don't try anything, assholes! I owe her for the swirly this morning!

KYLE:  
*pissed*  
What're you going to do, Craig?

CRAIG breaks a stick off of a conveniently placed tree and points it at WENDY.

CRAIG:  
I'll poke her with this stick!

WENDY's eyes widen with fear as KYLE clenches his fists. CRAIG points the stick to her abdomen-

CRAIG:  
First, I'll start here...

-then trails it to her exposed neck.

CRAIG:  
Then maybe I'll finish it here.

WENDY's eyes go even larger as BEBE gasps. CARTMAN nudges KYLE.

CARTMAN:  
*hushed*  
Jew, he's got a stick!

KYLE:  
*pissed*  
Let her go, Craig.

CARTMAN:  
You better do it, dude. He's a gingery Jew! He eats people's souls and covets their money!

STAN:  
*points at KYLE*  
It's true! I've seen him do it!

KYLE:  
*to STAN, scoffs*  
Dude, really?

CRAIG:  
No way! She kicked my ass this morning! I want revenge for that!

As CRAIG speaks, a purple clad kid with a bouncy question mark on his head sneaks out of the woods completely unnoticed.

KYLE:  
*pissed*  
I said let her go, asshole.

CARTMAN claps his hands excitedly.

CARTMAN:  
Kick his ass, Kahl! Use your Christ killing Jew powers!

CRAIG holds the stick dangerously close to WENDY's neck.

CRAIG:  
You'll have to make me, asshole.

KYLE takes off his coat revealing underneath a green shirt bearing the phrase "Don't make me go Mainstream 8-bit Adventurer on you."

KYLE:  
Watch me.

The purple clad kid is now standing directly behind CRAIG and has finally been seen by everyone else involved. He taps CRAIG on the shoulder-

CRAIG:  
*confused*  
Wha-?

-only to kick him in the back of the leg to cause the boy to fall to the ground with a sickening cry. WENDY and the stick go flying in opposite directions. The purple clad kid kneels next to the downed CRAIG.

MYSTERIOUS KID:  
I know what you did.

CRAIG:  
*pained*  
She attacked me first!

MYSTERIOUS KID:  
I highly doubt Pip and Butters would agree to that.

The MYSTERIOUS KID punches CRAIG in the face, knocking him out.

MYSTERIOUS KID:  
*stands*  
Good night, sweet prince.

KYLE helps WENDY up, while CARTMAN laughs himself stupid. STAN unties the bound girls which earns him a kiss on the cheek from LOLA.

KYLE:  
Dude, who are you?

MYSTERIOUS KID:  
I am known as...Mysterion.

CARTMAN:  
Ha! That's the faggiest name I've ever heard.

STAN:  
*squints*  
Clyde?

BEBE nudges the downed CLYDE with her foot.

BEBE:  
No, he's over here.

WENDY:  
Why did you help me?

MYSTERION:  
I help those who help others.

WENDY:  
Not that I'm ungrateful, but I-

MYSTERION:  
You're a powerful fighter, however you let your blood lust and other distractions get the best of you. Learn control and focus and justice will be at your disposal.

MYSTERION makes to walk away, but is stopped by WENDY.

WENDY:  
How did you know that I helped Pip and Butters?

MYSTERION:  
*smirks*  
I have my sources.

Firecrackers go off somewhere in the distance causing a distraction for all the kids. Upon its end, they discover that MYSTERION has vanished. All the kids look around in confusion.

CARTMAN:  
How the fu-

STAN:  
Dude, where'd he go?

KYLE:  
I'm so totally confused right now.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. BIJOU THEATRE - NIGHT  
Establishing shot. Various movie noises are heard.

CUT TO INT. BIJOU THEATRE - RANDOM SHOWING ROOM  
STAN, KYLE, WENDY, BEBE, CARTMAN, and KENNY are seated near the back of the darkened theater watching some sort of movie. STAN and KYLE appear to be bored. WENDY cocks her head to the side as if she is confused. BEBE cries into tissues. CARTMAN angrily drums his fingers on the armrest. KENNY appears blank. Indiscriminate movie sounds and voices are heard in the background along with the occasional crying girl. WENDY leans closer to KYLE.

WENDY:  
*hushed*  
Do you know what's going on? I'm so lost.

KYLE:  
*hushed*  
I dunno.

KYLE leans closer to STAN.

KYLE:  
*cont'd, hushed*  
You have any idea what the hell is going on?

STAN takes a drink from his frozen soda and immediately buries his forehead into his palm.

STAN:  
*hushed*  
Other than this brain freeze I've got right now, no. I stopped following the moment that the vampires started sparkling in the sun.

WENDY:  
*to KYLE, hushed*  
What did he say?

KYLE:  
*to WENDY, hushed*  
He has no clue, either.

STAN starts beating his head with his palm.

WENDY:  
*confused*  
What the hell is he doing?

KYLE:  
*hushed*  
I think he's giving himself a brain freeze to block out the movie.

WENDY:  
*hushed*  
I'm just confused by the fact that all these vampires are hundreds of years old and are still in high school! How does that work? And the constant flip-flopping of the romantic leads! For god's sake! They either need to just fuck or walk away and be done with it!

KYLE:  
*hushed*  
Just stop thinking about it.

KYLE holds out his frozen soda as an offering.

KYLE:  
*cont'd, hushed*  
Brain freeze?

WENDY:  
*hushed*  
Please!

She rips the cup from KYLE's hand and takes huge gulps through the straw as he watches.

KYLE:  
*hushed, awed*  
That's some powerful sucking action you got there.

She stops drinking and merely stares at KYLE with the straw still in her mouth. A slow sly smile spreads across her face.

KYLE:  
*hushed*  
We'll have to take you with the next time we steal gas from Mr. Garrison's car.

WENDY suddenly looks pissed.

CARTMAN:  
*hushed, pissed*  
When are the real friggin' vampires gonna come out and kill these pussies? Seriously, you guys! If I have to watch this bitch fall one more time I'm-

KENNY:  
*to CARTMAN*  
[Shh!]

CARTMAN:  
*hushed, pissed*  
Don't shush me, Kinny! I'll kick you in the nuts!

BEBE suddenly grabs CARTMAN's arm and cries into his shoulder while mumbling something about someone named Edward. A look of absolute fright covers CARTMAN's face. There is a flash of white and suddenly two CARTMANs dressed as a DEVIL and ANGEL respectively appear in the seats behind him.

DEVIL:  
*pissed*  
Who the hell does this bitch think she is? I'm not some kinda friggin' pillow to cry on. The fuck?!

ANGEL:  
*rolls eyes*  
Must you always be angry like this? The cute girl is upset...I think. Maybe I should put my arm around her to comfort her.

DEVIL CARTMAN stands in his seat and angrily waves his arms about. The couple behind him angrily try to look around him.

DEVIL:  
*pissed*  
The hell I will, asshole! She's intruding on mah space, god dammit!

ANGEL:  
Jesus! Mellow out, man!

ANGEL CARTMAN pulls a wooden mallet from thin air and whacks DEVIL CARTMAN upside the head with it. A deranged almost comical look crosses his face as he falls face first to the floor. ANGEL CARTMAN leans forward.

ANGEL:  
Go ahead, dude. And remember! Be polite and stuff for kisses and whatever the hell a blow job is!

CARTMAN smiles, eagerly nods his head, and puts an arm around BEBE. As the house lights come up, BEBE sits up and wipes tears from her eyes. She laughs nervously when she notices CARTMAN staring at her.

BEBE:  
*nervously*  
Oh, Cartman! I didn't mean to intrude on your personal space.

CARTMAN:  
*nervously*  
No, no... 'Sokay. I, uh, thought about doin' the same thing myself...or somethin'.

He laughs nervously as ANGEL CARTMAN leans in closer one more time.

ANGEL:  
*sarcastically*  
Way to impress her, fat ass.

STAN, KYLE, WENDY, and KENNY watch with some confusion.

STAN:  
Did I miss something?

KYLE:  
I'm not sure, but it looks awkward and might require more brain freezing.

STAN:  
I'll get right on it.

STAN looks at his empty cup in sadness.

STAN:  
*cont'd*  
...When I get more.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. BIJOU THEATRE - NIGHT  
The six kids have exited the building and are hanging out at the front.

BEBE:  
*with hearts in her eyes*  
Oh, my god... That Edward is so hot!

WENDY scrunches up her face.

WENDY:  
He's nice to look at, but quite frankly it just seemed that he had the personality of a wet noodle.

KENNY:  
[I've seen better plots in pornos.]

STAN:  
They have plots?

KENNY:  
[Only if you count mindless fucking as plot.]

STAN:  
Huh.

CARTMAN:  
*high pitched mocking*  
Oh, Edward! Make love to me! Don't touch me! Make love to me! Don't touch me!

CARTMAN suddenly throws himself to the ground.

CARTMAN:  
*high pitched mocking*  
Oh, I've fallen again! Edward save me, but don't fucking touch me!

Everyone but BEBE laughs.

KYLE:  
That's a pretty good summary of the movie, Cartman.

STAN:  
At least of what I was able to follow, anyway.

BEBE:  
*pissed*  
Don't make fun of Bella, assholes! She's an inspirational role model to young girls everywhere!

WENDY:  
*scoffs* No, she's not! She pit multiple boys against each other for her own amusement! She's a horrible horrible person that should be shot to the center of the sun!

The two girls stare angrily at each other. The boys awkwardly stand out of the way.

BEBE:  
And that doesn't sound like someone you know, Wendy?

STAN snickers softly.

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
What're you trying to insintuate?

BEBE:  
*scoffs*  
I knew that coming with you was going to be a mistake, Wendy. You just don't understand Twilight like I do!  
*pauses*  
Bitch!

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
I'm the bitch? I'm not the one going around saying-  
*mocking*  
-"My hand still hurts from punching that whore in her fat fucking head!"

BEBE:  
Hey. You deserved that punch! Fat head!

WENDY:  
Bitch!

BEBE:  
Slut!

WENDY:  
Fat cow!

The two stare at each other for a moment before BEBE tackles WENDY with a cry. The boys' eyes go wide in shock as they watch the fight.

STAN:  
Cat fight!

CARTMAN:  
Wow... I so totally wish I could jack it right now.

KYLE:  
What.

KENNY:  
*nods*  
[This is the hottest thing I've seen tonight.]

KYLE:  
Seriously. That's totally sexist. Not cool, guys.

CARTMAN:  
Now, Kahl. You need to stop letting Windy turn you into a pussy. I'm getting concerned for your well being.

KYLE opens his mouth to make a retort.

KENNY:  
[You're just jealous that Kyle has a girlfriend.]

KYLE:  
She's not my girlfriend.

STAN:  
*rolls eyes*  
Keep talkin', Pinocchio.

CARTMAN:  
Well, I'd be getting some kissing action from BEBE if she wasn't currently trying to beat the shit out of your bitch, Jew!

WENDY and BEBE stop fighting mid swings to stare in surprise.

BEBE:  
*confused*  
Wait. What?

STAN:  
*snickers, to KENNY*  
This won't end well.

KENNY nods. CARTMAN stammers gibberish and laughs nervously.

BEBE:  
This whole thing...was just to kiss me?!

CARTMAN:  
Now, I can explain-

BEBE:  
*pissed*  
Cartman, I would never kiss you! Even if you were the last boy on the planet!

WENDY:  
*hushed*  
Ouch.

BEBE:  
*pissed*  
You're fat, racist-

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
Eh.

BEBE:  
*pissed*  
-stupid, irresponsible-

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
God dammit!

BEBE:  
*pissed*  
-foul mouthed, and smell like moldy cheese!

STAN:  
Dude! That's what I said!

CARTMAN:  
*screaming*  
God dammit! I do not smell like fucking cheese!

CARTMAN flips BEBE a middle finger.

CARTMAN:  
*cont'd*  
Fuck you then, BEBE! Fucking bitch! I hope Windy kicks your ass!

CARTMAN storms off.

BEBE:  
*pissed*  
I said moldy cheese, asshole! There's a difference!

CARTMAN:  
*off screen*  
Carpet licker!

BEBE:  
*pissed*  
Fat ass!

BEBE scoffs and storms off in the opposite direction. There is a beat of silence as the four remaining of the group look around awkwardly.

STAN:  
Sadly, I think that was more entertaining than the movie.

KYLE:  
I agree. Too bad Kenny's camera died. That would have been awesome YouTube material.

KENNY nods. WENDY stuffs her hands in her coat pockets and sadly looks in the direction that Bebe had vacated the scene.

* * *

CUT TO INT. CARTMAN RESIDENCE - CARTMAN'S ROOM  
STAN and KYLE enter to find CARTMAN lying in his bed and staring blankly at the ceiling.

STAN:  
Hey, dude? You okay?

CARTMAN:  
*flatly*  
Sure.

KYLE:  
Hey, at least you tried, dude.  
*aside*  
Kinda.  
*normal*  
That's really all that matters.

CARTMAN:  
*flatly*  
Eh. Whatever.

STAN:  
*blinks*  
Dude, I think he's broken.

KYLE:  
Eh. He'll be back to insulting me tomorrow morning and somehow twist this around to be the fault of all Jews everywhere.

CARTMAN:  
*flatly*  
Fuckin' Jews.

KYLE:  
See?

STAN shrugs.

STAN:  
C'mon. Let's go.

The two boys leave.

STAN:  
*off screen*  
Lola gave me her number this afternoon.

KYLE:  
*off screen*  
What? Why?

STAN:  
*off screen*  
Probably because I untied her earlier.

KYLE:  
*off screen*  
Dude, do you guys even interact ever?

STAN:  
*off screen, fades*  
No, but she is kinda cute.

KYLE:  
*off screen, fades*  
Yeah. You never interact and you get her number. Makes total sense.

STAN:  
*off screen, faintly*  
Yeah, okay, Mr. Wendy's-Not-My-Girlfriend.

KYLE:  
*off screen, faintly*  
Dude! We're just friends!

Inside CARTMAN's head, three of the four CARTMANs are lying dead in various poses around the table. Blood coats nearly everything in the room. The projector in the center of the table sits crookedly and occasionally flickers on and off. A bloody knife is stuck in the wall where the projected BEBE's heart would be. CARTMAN1 stands at an open window and stares at the ceiling of CARTMAN's room.

CARTMAN1:  
*darkly*  
I hate you, Bebe Stevens. I hate you with every fiber in my body.

There is a close up of his face as he narrows his eyes.

CARTMAN1:  
*darkly*  
If I can't have you, then nobody can. You will rue the day you rejected Eric Cartman.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. TESTABURGER RESIDENCE - DUSK  
PIP and BUTTERS, who is carrying a camera, walk up to the door and knock on it. The door opens and WENDY smiles brightly at the two.

WENDY:  
Hi, guys! What's up?

PIP:  
Oh! Good evenin', Miss Wendy! We've come to see if you'll be smiting any villainous chaps today.

BUTTERS:  
Yuh-yeah! And I finally figured out how to use the camera so I can tuh-take pictures of you kicking ass!

The camera flashes and spits out a picture.

BUTTERS:  
*dejected*  
Aw, hamburgers! That wasn't supposed to happen!

WENDY:  
No. Sorry, guys, but I think I'm going to give the superhero business a rest for a while. There's much for me to learn.

PIP:  
*dejected*  
Oh... So, does that mean that we'll be picked on again?

WENDY:  
What? No! If somebody's giving you trouble, I'll personally put my foot up their ass!

BUTTERS:  
*excited*  
Wow! Really, Wendy? For nothin'?! Whuh-why I've been givin' Eric my lunch money for three weeks now to keep bullies away from me and so far that hasn't done nothin'!

WENDY:  
*flatly*  
That's because Cartman's an asshole, Butters.

BUTTERS:  
*meekly*  
Oh, well, I guess he is.

PIP:  
Yes, well, thank you so much, Miss Wendy! Come along, Butters! Let us go play Wickershams and Ducklers!

BUTTERS:  
Okay!  
*off screen*  
Can I be the Wickersham of Brumble Briar this time?

WENDY smiles as the two run off.

WENDY:  
*voice over*  
Maybe someday Ironing Board Girl will return.

Cut to the roof of a building somewhere in town. The setting sun casts a dark orange glow and long dark shadows. MYSTERION leans over the edge of the building and stares at the street below.

WENDY:  
*voice over*  
But for now...

As PIP and BUTTERS pass by below, IRONING BOARD GIRL, in a new less shoddy looking outfit, appears next to the other superhero. The only greeting he gives her is a sideways glance.

MYSTERION:  
Why are you here?

IRONING BOARD GIRL:  
I'm here to learn focus and control for my blood lust.

MYSTERION:  
What makes you think I'll help you?

IRONING BOARD GIRL:  
You help those who help others?

MYSTERION:  
Are you asking or are you telling me?

IRONING BOARD GIRL:  
*smirks*  
Take your pick. Both are fine choices.

MYSTERION returns the smirk as he continues looking out over the town.

MYSTERION:  
Smartass.

IRONING BOARD GIRL folds her arms across her chest and follows his gaze.

WENDY:  
*voice over*  
...the town will have to manage without her.


	9. The Valentine's Day Snowball Massacre

**_Chapter Nine_**  
 ** _The Valentine's Day Snowball Massacre_**

* * *

FADE IN EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - FRONT GROUNDS - DAY  
Establishing shot.

STAN:  
*off screen*  
What's it say, dude?

CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - PLAYGROUND - DAY  
STAN, KYLE, and KENNY are standing around CARTMAN, who is wielding an envelope marked "VALENTINE".

KYLE:  
Yeah, C'mon, fat ass. Don't leave us in the dark here.

KENNY:  
[I can't fucking believe that someone actually wants to suck his tiny dick.]

CARTMAN:  
*annoyed*  
Shut the hell up, Kenny.  
*reading*  
"Dear Eric, words cannot express how much I love you."

The other three boys soundlessly snicker.

CARTMAN:  
*reading*  
"I'm always watching you from afar, waiting for the moment that you will be mine."

KENNY falls backwards into the snow, unable to contain his amusement. CARTMAN is oblivious to this.

CARTMAN:  
*ecstatic* Wow, you guys! Some chick really digs my hot body, yo! *gasps* I wonder if it's Bebe or Patty Nelson?!

STAN:  
*snickers*  
I don't think it's Bebe, Cartman.

KYLE:  
*snickers*  
Yeah. Not after last weekend.

CARTMAN:  
*flatly*  
Shut up, Jew.

STAN and KYLE lean on each other for support in staying upright as they laugh their asses off. CARTMAN raises an eyebrow before continuing.

CARTMAN:  
*reading*  
"I want your hot sexy ass so bad that I can taste it."

STAN and KYLE finally collapse in fits of laughter as CARTMAN looks angrily at them.

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
What the hell is so god damn funny?  
*reading*  
"By the way... This has been a joke, fat...ass."  
*pissed*  
"Love...Stan...and...Kyle..."

The fat boy rips up his Valentine and storms off screen right.

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
I fucking hate you guys.

KENNY starts choking from laughing so hard.

STAN:  
*laughing*  
Oh my god! We're killing Kenny!

KYLE:  
*laughing*  
We're bastards!

The three continue laughing.

CARTMAN:  
*off screen, pissed*  
Hate you guys!

* * *

CUT TO EXT. CITY HALL - DAY  
Establishing shot.

CUT TO INT. CITY HALL - MAYOR'S OFFICE  
SHEILA BROFLOVSKI enters looking pissed off.

MAYOR MCDANIELS:  
Well, well, well. If it isn't South Park's leading activist, Sheila Broflovski. What's up your ass today?

SHEILA:  
There's nothing up my ass today, Mayor. I'm just concerned that our children haven't been expressing themselves very well lately.

MAYOR MCDANIELS:  
And this pertains to me...how?

ASSISTANT#2:  
I do believe that it's your job as mayor to see to her supporter's children's needs.

ASSISTANT#1:  
Are you sure that you're not confusing "mayor" with "parents"?

ASSISTANT#2:  
I'd bet my balls on it.

SHEILA:  
I was hoping you could help organize something...

MAYOR MCDANIELS:  
Hmm...

ASSISTANT#2:  
Valentine's Day is coming up...

ASSISTANT#1 starts laughing.

MAYOR MCDANIELS:  
What is so god damn funny?

ASSISTANT#1:  
I was just thinking of this stand-up comedy special I saw the other night.

ASSISTANT#2:  
Oooh! I think I saw that one too! Was that the one where Ross Perot was rambling about "Water World" and his kids wanting to be naked all the time?

ASSISTANT#1:  
Yeah! That's the one!

MAYOR MCDANIELS:  
What the hell kind of TV do you two watch?

ASSISTANT#2:  
Wait! I've got it!

MAYOR MCDANIELS and SHEILA exchange confused looks.

MAYOR MCDANIELS:  
*puzzled*  
Got what?

ASSISTANT#2:  
What could be a better way for kids to express themselves on Valentine's Day?

SHEILA:  
Handmade cards?

MAYOR MCDANIELS:  
I always did it with a bottle of Jim Beam and a vibrator. Get to the point, asshole.

Everyone looks to ASSISTANT#2.

SHEILA:  
Yes, please explain. I'm a little confused.

ASSISTANT#2:  
A..."Naked Time Festival"! Only for the children!

MAYOR MCDANIELS:  
I don't know... What with perverts like Garrison running around.

SHEILA:  
Oh! It sounds like a splendid idea! My darling Kyle used to run around naked and express himself freely all the time!

ASSISTANT#1:  
This can also divert everyone's attention from the recent string of exploding cows.

SHEILA:  
*puzzled*  
Exploding cows?

MAYOR MCDANIELS:  
*excitedly*  
Fantastic! Starting Thursday morning the children of South Park will shed their clothing and express themselves freely for two days!

ASSISTANT#1:  
And then on Friday we can have a Valentine's Day dance at Denkins' farm!

ASSISTANT#2:  
And we can take advantage of the unusual warm weather to get the kids outside!

MAYOR MCDANIELS:  
Alrighty then!

She points to ASSISTANT#2.

MAYOR MCDANIELS:  
*cont'd*  
You go ahead and make the necessary arrangements!

ASSISTANT#2:  
Huh? Me?

MAYOR MCDANIELS:  
Yes you, you fucking asshole! Get your ass in gear!

ASSISTANT#2:  
*as he leaves*  
Copy that.

MAYOR MCDANIELS:  
Mrs. Broflovski, I'd like you to chaperon this little venture.

SHEILA:  
Very well, Mayor! I'll do anything to make the world a better place for our children!  
*pauses*  
But could you fill me in on the exploding cows?

ASSISTANT#1:  
If we did, we'd have to kill you.

MAYOR MCDANIELS nods in agreement, much to SHEILA's disappointment.

* * *

CUT TO INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - HALLWAY  
KYLE is grabbing some books from inside his locker. WENDY, carrying a pink and red pack over her shoulder, slowly sneaks up behind him where she stands perfectly still. Cutting to a CAMERA inside the locker shows KYLE, with his tongue sticking out in concentration, leaning inside and rummaging through several loose papers. When WENDY looks over his left shoulder, his concentration suddenly breaks. The moment he looks over his shoulder, she, with a look of constrained amusement, quickly moves to his right. She lets out a hushed giggle, which causes him to look over his other shoulder. WENDY quickly sidesteps back to his left. He shrugs at finding no one there and goes back to rummaging in his locker. After returning to a more proper shot of the scene, WENDY leans in close to the boy's face.

WENDY:  
What'cha doin'?

KYLE, startled witless, screams and attempts to jump to the side. He whangs his head on the locker door in the process.

KYLE:  
*pained*  
What the hell, dude?!

He rubs his head in an attempt to soothe any pain. WENDY laughs and bashfully avoids eye contact.

WENDY:  
Sorry, Kyle. I thought it'd be funny.

KYLE:  
*frowns*  
Funny for you, maybe.

He closes the locker door with a metallic slam and the two walk off screen, presumably to class. Elsewhere, BUTTERS is meandering along and minding his own business.

BUTTERS:  
*singing*  
Duh-down by the river, I shuh-shot my bay-bee...

CRAIG and CARTMAN appear out of nowhere, run up behind the hapless boy, and pick him up rather forcefully.

BUTTERS:  
Well, huh-hiya, fellahs! What kinda game we playin'?

CARTMAN:  
An awesome one, Butters!

BUTTERS:  
*excited*  
Oh, boy! I like awesome games!

CRAIG:  
Say, fat ass, What game ARE we playing?

CARTMAN:  
Why, the "Shove the Pussy Melvin into a Locker" game, Craig!

BUTTERS:  
Wuh-wait a minute! That doesn't sound like fun at all!

CARTMAN:  
Take it like a man, pussy!

CRAIG:  
Yeah!

They shove BUTTERS into a nearby open locker, spray the inside with shaving cream, then slam the door shut before BUTTERS can crawl out.

BUTTERS:  
*inside the locker*  
Aw-aww... It's all gooey...

WENDY:  
*off screen*  
So, Kyle... Have you found a Valentine's date yet?

CARTMAN and CRAIG share looks of distress.

CRAIG:  
Someone's coming!

CARTMAN:  
Quick! Cheese it!

The two boys run off as WENDY and KYLE enter the scene.

KYLE:  
Honestly, I haven't really thought about it.

WENDY:  
*disappointed*  
Oh. I see.  
*normal*  
Well, give it some thought. I heard a rumor that Old Man Denkins is hosting a Valentine's Day dance in his barn on Friday.

KYLE stops walking and raises an eyebrow.

KYLE:  
I see. And you're telling me this...why?

WENDY:  
*shrugs*  
I thought that, as my only friend at the moment, you'd be interested.

KYLE:  
You're still pissed at Bebe for that punch to the head, huh.

WENDY sighs.

WENDY:  
I'll admit, I deserved that. But the way she treated me during that baby project was unwarranted. Fuck that bitch until she apologizes for it.

KYLE:  
*raises an eyebrow*  
You mean like how you treated me-

WENDY:  
*quickly*  
But I apologized, right?

KYLE nods.

KYLE:  
Well, we can always hang out at my house and play some Okama Gamesphere with Stan and Kenny.

WENDY:  
*bashfully*  
Actually, I was hoping-

BUTTERS:  
*inside the locker*  
Huh-hello? Kuh-can you guys get me outta here?

KYLE:  
*puzzled*  
Butters?

WENDY:  
*puzzled*  
What the hell are you doing inside a locker and why did you wait so long to get our attention?

BUTTERS:  
*inside the locker*  
Juh-gee whiz... I didn't want to interrupt your conversation. No sir! Buh-but my legs are starting to cramp something awful. An-and it's awfully gooey in here with all this shaving cream.

WENDY:  
Eww!

KYLE:  
*stifled snickering*  
No sweat, dude.

WENDY's eyes narrow as she studies the locker.

KYLE:  
*cont'd*  
I'll go get someone with a master combina-

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
This is my locker.

KYLE:  
Really? Who the hell would-?

WENDY:  
*tersely*  
Cartman.

KYLE:  
*pauses*  
I'm ashamed of myself for even asking.

* * *

CUT TO INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - FOURTH GRADE CLASSROOM  
All of the kids are in their seats and staring blankly ahead as MR. GARRISON writes on the blackboard. BUTTERS can be seen still covered in shaving cream.

MR. GARRISON:  
Okay, class-

He finishes writing the phrase "Naked Time Festival".

MR. GARRISON:  
*cont'd*  
-before we begin with today's lesson about how Valentine's Day was invented by George W. Bush in the 1970's, I have an announcement to make.

CARTMAN raises his hand.

MR. GARRISON:  
Yes, Eric?

CARTMAN:  
Does it have anything to do with the fact that Kyle is a dirty, dirty Jew and needs his balls kicked in?

KYLE:  
*pissed*  
Up yours, fat ass!

MR. GARRISON:  
*annoyed*  
For the last time, Eric, nothing in my lesson plan has anything to do with your little boyfriend or his balls.

KENNY laughs.

CARTMAN:  
*hushed*  
Asshole.

MR. GARRISON gestures to the blackboard.

MR. GARRISON:  
So, can any of you children tell me what this is about?

The kids look at each other and give a collective shrug.

MR. GARRISON:  
Well, it's good to know you little bastards keep up with current events. Yesterday, the mayor of South Park announced that, starting tomorrow morning, all you kids are to express yourselves with nudity or some artistic bull-crap like that for two whole days.

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
What?!

The class collectively groans.

MR. GARRISON:  
I know. I think it's pretty stupid, too, but the mayor feels that it will be a good way for you to express yourselves.

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
Mr. Garrison, the very idea of this festival is obviously the work of some sick and twisted pervert who only wants to see us naked for his own sick pleasure!

CARTMAN:  
Look out, Tokyo! Rawr! Here comes Mega-Bitchzilla to destroy the city!

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
I have every right to complain, fat ass! Do you want some pervert ogling your naked body?

KYLE:  
Don't see that happening any time soon.

Several kids laugh.

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
Ay! I'm hot and sexy! Stop bein' jealous, Kahl!

CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - PLAYGROUND - DAY During a slow SWEEPING PAN, CRAIG and TERRENCE MEPHESTO are seen beating up PIP near the jungle gym. STAN is leaning up against said jungle gym on the opposite side. The SWEEPING PAN ends as KYLE, CARTMAN, and KENNY approach.

CARTMAN:  
Shut the hell up, Jew. You don't know jack shit.

KYLE:  
Up yours, tubby. I'm right about this and you know it.  
*to STAN*  
Hey, dude.

STAN:  
*raises an eyebrow*  
What's up?

CARTMAN:  
The Jew here claims that the Naked Time Festival is going to suck balls.

KYLE:  
It will! Seriously, Cartman, what the hell are we all supposed to do while naked? How the hell is that "expressing ourselves"?

KENNY:  
[I'll be expressing myself around the high school girls for sure.]

CARTMAN laughs.

STAN:  
Dude! I didn't even think of the high school girls!

CARTMAN:  
See? It's not so shitty any more, is it?

KYLE:  
What do naked high school girls have to do with any of this?

The four boys are silent for a beat.

STAN:  
Really, dude? You have to ask?

KENNY:  
[They have big boobs!]

KYLE:  
Yeah? So does Cartman-

STAN and KENNY laugh.

KYLE:  
*cont'd*  
-that doesn't mean I want to see them.

CARTMAN:  
I pity you, Kahl.

KYLE:  
No, you don't.

CARTMAN:  
No, I do. I really do. I pity you in that you just can't understand the beauty of a naked girl like we can.

KYLE:  
*tersely*  
What.

CARTMAN:  
I mean, if you're not interested in them there's always the high school boys and their supple muscular chests and giant throbbing dicks for you.

KENNY laughs.

KYLE:  
The only giant throbbing dick I see is you, jiggle master.

STAN and KENNY laugh.

CARTMAN:  
*mocking*  
Ha ha! Very funny, Jew.  
*normal*  
You've been hanging out with Bitch-taburger too much lately. Her bitch vibes are rubbing off on to you and turning you into a bitch.

KYLE:  
Are not!

KENNY:  
[More like she's been rubbing him off.]

CARTMAN laughs.

CARTMAN:  
*blinks*  
I don't get it, Kenny.

STAN:  
Actually, dude, he's right. You've bailed on us the last three nights to hang out with Wendy.

KYLE:  
What? We were doing homework together.

CARTMAN:  
That's how it starts, you guys. First it's-  
*high pitched*  
-"Let's study together!"-  
*normal*  
-then it's chick flicks and buying her flowers, and then she wants to eat your fireman!

KENNY:  
[I wouldn't mind that last part, actually.]

KYLE:  
I fail to see the big deal. We were doing homework. Besides, even if I had hung out with you guys it would have been the same thing anyway: I kick Cartman's ass in Thirst for Blood and then he cries like a fat bitch for the rest of the night.

STAN:  
Actually...that's how it went even without you there...

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
Shuh-shut up, Kahl! Shut your stupid Jew mouth!

* * *

CUT TO TELEVISION - CHANNEL 4 NEWS  
NEWSCASTER TOM is seen at his news desk.

NEWSCASTER TOM:  
-after which Seth McFarlane cried like a little bitch.

A graphic reading "Naked Time Festival" appears at the top right of the screen.

NEWSCASTER TOM:  
And in today's top story, South Park's Mayor McDaniels recently announced a new two day long Valentine's Day festival encouraging children young and old to be more expressive with nudity. For more information on this we'll go to our newest female reporter, Tine Edict. Tine?

The scene cuts to a normal looking blonde woman standing in front of City Hall. The men of South Park, including RANDY MARSH and GERALD BROFLOVSKI, can be seen picketing with handwritten signs.

NEWS REPORTER TINE:  
Thanks, Tom! Many citizens of the small mountain town of South Park are questioning the morality of a "Naked Time Festival" for children. Some citizens just don't seem to care. Then there's those such as these men who are all about the high school girls.

Several of the signs can be seen with sayings such as "Titties 4 Life", "No Old and Saggies!", "Young is beautiful!", and "My wife makes better lasagne than your wife!"

NEWS REPORTER TINE:  
As a registered sex offender, you can bet your *beep*able ass that I'll be there ogling those girls as I pleasure myself with my big black dildo! Back to you, Tom!

The scene cuts back to a confused NEWSCASTER TOM.

NEWSCASTER TOM:  
Right... Uh, thanks, Tine. In other news, three more cows were found exploded at the South Park Ranch. When questioned, local authorities stated "Move along. Nothing to see here." We'll have more on the story as it develops.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY  
During the establishing shot, the end of day bell rings. The front doors burst open allowing the children freedom for the rest of the day. The CAMERA cuts closer to STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN, and KENNY.

CARTMAN:  
So, I was thinkin', you guys, that we crash this dance on Friday with a giant snowball fight.

KYLE:  
Snowball fight?

STAN:  
Sounds more interesting than dancing to Faith Hill or country or whatever.

KYLE:  
Who would we be going up against?

CARTMAN:  
Well-

CARTMAN suddenly flies forward and lands face down in the snow.

STAN:  
Dude!

The boys look to find a pissed WENDY standing where CARTMAN had been. The fat boy pulls his head out of a snow drift and shakes the snow off his head.

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
Fat ass!

CARTMAN:  
*stands, pissed*  
What up, bitch?

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
Mind telling me why you filled my locker with fucking shaving cream?!

CARTMAN:  
*laughs*  
That was hilarious.

WENDY shoves him again.

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
I didn't think so, fat ass! All my books have been ruined!

CARTMAN:  
Well, maybe if you stopped bein' such a Super Mega Beeyatch...

She lunges at him with a cry before being restrained by both STAN and KYLE.

STAN:  
Whoa, dude!

KYLE:  
Jesus Christ!

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
I choose you, fat ass!

CARTMAN:  
Fine! You wanna fight, dawg?

WENDY:  
*struggles against STAN and KYLE*  
I'll do more than fight you! I'll stomp the fucking fat out of your ass!

STAN:  
*excitedly*  
Like the ketchup packets at lunch?

KYLE:  
Sweet!

CARTMAN:  
Fine, bitch! Tomorrow after school!

WENDY breaks free and gets in CARTMAN's face.

WENDY:  
*hushed, pissed*  
We do it right here.

CARTMAN:  
Fine!

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
Fine!

WENDY storms off. CARTMAN, looking pleased with himself, turns back to the other boys.

CARTMAN:  
To answer your question, Jew, our enemy will be...

When CARTMAN grins psychotically, the other boys gain puzzled expressions.

CARTMAN:  
...Wendy Testaburger and her girl army tomorrow after school. And I aim for the battle to be victorious. It'll be...a Valentine's Day snowball massacre.  
*laughs*  
I can't defeat her myself. Round up the rest of the boys, gentleman. We have plans to discuss.

STAN:  
*walks off*  
Round them up yourself.

KYLE:  
*walks off*  
Yeah. We're not getting involved in your personal vendetta, Jigglypuff.

KENNY just shrugs in response to CARTMAN's quizzical look.

CARTMAN:  
*sighs*  
God dammit, you-  
*pissed*  
Ay! Stop comparing me to fucking cheese!

KYLE:  
*off screen*  
I said "vendetta" not "Velveeta", fat ass!

CARTMAN:  
*to KENNY*  
What the fuck is a vendetta?

KENNY shrugs.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. BROFLOVSKI RESIDENCE - NIGHT  
Establishing shot.

CUT TO INT. BROFLOVSKI RESIDENCE - KYLE'S ROOM  
KYLE is tossing and turning as he attempts to sleep.

KYLE:  
*muttering*  
...bacon maple...sundae...

He tosses and turns rather violently.

KYLE:  
*muttering*  
...bacon? Bacon?

He suddenly sits up, with a small scream, wide awake and looking very confused. Sweat mats the red hair sticking out from under his hat to his brow and his pajama collar to his neck.

KYLE:  
*confused*  
What the hell? Where am-

He slowly looks around.

KYLE:  
*confused*  
My room...? I'm...in my room? Wow. That was realis-

He opens and closes his mouth a few times.

KYLE:  
*confused*  
Why does my mouth taste like bacon?

The faint sound of timid tapping on glass is heard as he buries his face into his palm.

KYLE:  
*sighs*  
I wish these dreams would go away.

He pays the sound no mind until it's heard again.

KYLE:  
Huh?

He hops off the bed and approaches the window. Pulling back the curtain reveals WENDY on the exact opposite side of the glass from KYLE. They both stare at each other for a shocked moment before KYLE opens the window.

KYLE:  
*hushed*  
What are you doing here?

WENDY:  
*hushed*  
Um...

KYLE:  
*hushed*  
Actually, how the hell did you even climb up the side of the house?

WENDY:  
*hushed*  
I... Um, can I come in?

KYLE:  
*hushed*  
Just be quiet. If my mom finds you here we're both dead.

The girl crawls through the window with minimal fuss, sighs, and sits herself on KYLE's bed.

KYLE:  
*hushed*  
You didn't answer my question.

WENDY:  
*hushed*  
I...couldn't sleep.

KYLE:  
*hushed*  
I know the feeling.

WENDY:  
*hushed*  
The dreams again?

KYLE sits on the bed next to her.

KYLE:  
*hushed*  
The same one where we're adults and looking for Cartman.

WENDY:  
*hushed*  
Me too... This is the third time this week.

KYLE:  
*hushed*  
If you and I weren't experiencing the exact same thing, I'd say that we were crazy.

WENDY:  
*hushed*  
Maybe we are.

KYLE:  
Hmm...

There is silence for a moment.

WENDY:  
*hushed*  
Speaking of...crazy... I didn't come here because of insomnia.

KYLE:  
*hushed*  
Okay.

WENDY:  
*hushed*  
Kyle, I need to know something...

WENDY sighs.  
KYLE:  
*hushed, puzzled*  
Know what?

WENDY:  
*hushed*  
You remember what happened between us that first night we discovered we shared this...whatever it is?

KYLE nods.

KYLE:  
*hushed*  
Yeah. We met outside the cemet-

WENDY:  
*hushed*  
No. After that.

KYLE:  
*hushed*  
Oh.  
*realization*  
Oh! Wha- What about it?

WENDY:  
*hushed*  
I... Where do we go from there?

KYLE's face scrunches up in a lopsided frown.

KYLE:  
*hushed*  
I'm still trying to work out how you got up here.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. BUS STOP - MORNING  
STAN, CARTMAN, and KENNY are waiting for the bus. All three are completely naked except for STAN's and CARTMAN's hats.

STAN:  
I can't believe how warm it is for February.

KENNY:  
If it means seeing titties, I'd have done this in the freezing cold anyway.

CARTMAN:  
Screw that. Titties are awesome, but I don't know if they're THAT awesome.

KENNY shrugs.

CARTMAN:  
So...where's the Jew?

STAN:  
Dunno. I thought Kyle'd be here by now.

KYLE enters the scene also naked, except for his hat.

STAN:  
Hey, dude.

CARTMAN looks KYLE up and down.

CARTMAN:  
Well, hello, Mr. I've-Got-a-Small-Penis!

KENNY snickers.

KYLE:  
Fuck off, Cartman.

CARTMAN:  
Jesus Christ! All I said was hello and look what he says to me! Pull that god damn monkey outta yer ass!

KYLE:  
I have a monkey up my ass?

CARTMAN:  
Well, unless my own ears have deceived me, I believe that's what I said, asshole!

KYLE:  
You had a physical recently, right?

CARTMAN:  
...Why?

KYLE:  
Did the doctor tell you how to get that angry elephant out of your ass?

STAN, KYLE, and KENNY laugh.

CARTMAN:  
*mocking*  
Ahah ha haaaa!  
*pissed*  
Drink my pee, you pee drinking Jew.

The other three boys share a glance.

STAN:  
You know, even I have to admit that's kinda gross, dude.

KENNY:  
I think he's trying to compensate for the micro-dick.

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
Ay!

KYLE:  
Yeah, it's at least three times smaller than mine.

CARTMAN makes a comparison.

CARTMAN:  
Sonova- Hey! It's not my fault that he's hiding right now!

The other three boys laugh.

STAN:  
*rolls eyes*  
Retard.

KYLE:  
Hey, you guys hear about those dead cows again?

STAN:  
Yeah, dude. This is like the fourth week in a row now.

KENNY:  
What kind of sick fuck would blow up cows?

The boys think for a moment and then stare at CARTMAN.

CARTMAN:  
*raises an eyebrow*  
The hell're you lookin' at me for?

STAN:  
We're imagining you shoving bombs up cows' asses.

CARTMAN:  
What?! Why?!

KYLE:  
'Cause, fat ass! If we can come up with a plausible story with evidence to back it up we can turn you in to the cops and get a big ass reward for your big ass!

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
Jesus Christ, you guys! What the hell is this? Gang up and fuck Cartman day?!

The bus pulls up.

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
An' I'm not fat, god dammit!

* * *

CUT TO INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - HALLWAY  
STAN removes a few books from his locker and shuts it before he walks down the corridor. WENDY comes around the corner behind him and rushes to catch up, all the while trying to cover parts of her body with her books.

WENDY:  
Hi, Stan!

STAN:  
Hey, Wendy.

STAN raises an eyebrow.

STAN:  
*cont'd*  
Nice outfit. AP English looks good on you.

WENDY:  
*frowns*  
Like yours is any better.

STAN:  
*shrugs*  
I'm getting through the day by pretending that I'm at least wearing underwear.

WENDY snickers and then the two fall into a short uncomfortable silence.

WENDY:  
*timidly*  
Stan, can I ask you a question?

STAN:  
Sure, dude.

WENDY:  
It's about tomorrow night.

STAN abruptly stops walking.

STAN:  
Oh, no. No, no, no, no. I'm not taking you to the dance, dude. I thought I made it perfectly clear that-

WENDY:  
I don't want you to take me, Stan. Although I'm flattered that you thought that.

STAN:  
Oh.

WENDY:  
Would you have a problem if...  
*pauses*  
...I went with Kyle?

STAN:  
*blinks*  
Kyle? Why are you asking me?

WENDY:  
Because he's your best friend.

The two stare at each other for a moment.

STAN:  
That lying little bitch.

WENDY:  
Hunh?

STAN:  
*amused*  
We tried to get Kyle to admit that there was something going on between you guys yesterday.

WENDY:  
But there hasn't been anything going on.

STAN:  
*smirks*  
Uh huh. And Cartman skips lunch.

WENDY:  
Well...  
*pauses*  
Okay, maybe a little bit, but it's...kind of complicated.

STAN shrugs with a smirk and continues walking off screen. WENDY follows.

STAN:  
*amused*  
Well, complicated or not, I was wondering when this would happen.  
*off screen*  
I mean, you guys are a lot alike.

WENDY:  
*horrified*  
That doesn't tell me anything, Stan!

WENDY stops walking.

WENDY:  
*horrified*  
Stan! Wait a min-

Her voice dies when BUTTERS suddenly comes up beside her.

BUTTERS:  
*bashfully*  
Wuh-well, hiya, Wendy!

WENDY:  
Hey, Butters. No shaving cream today, I hope?

He wrings his hands in nervousness.

BUTTERS:  
*bashfully*  
Well, suh-see that's why I'm here. I think. Aw, jeez.

WENDY:  
Are you okay?

BUTTERS:  
*bashfully*  
Wuh-well, you're naked as a jay bird...

WENDY:  
*frowns*  
Well, so are you, and not because we want to be, so I'd say we're even in that regard.

BUTTERS' eyes drift downwards.

BUTTERS:  
*stressed*  
I-I know, but... Jeez Louise... I was supposed to tell ya somethin', but I can't remember what it was!

WENDY:  
Tell me something? What was it?

When BUTTERS doesn't respond WENDY snaps her fingers and points to her face.

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
Hey! Eyes up here, jerkwad!

BUTTERS jumps in fear and obeys her command.

BUTTERS:  
*stressed*  
Oh, hamburgers! Eh-Eric wants to see you in his office! Thuh-there! I said it!

WENDY:  
*raises an eyebrow*  
He has an office?

BUTTERS nods nervously and merely points to the boys' restroom door.

WENDY:  
*snarkily*  
Oh. How convenient.

She looks around quickly before pushing open the door and walking through. Inside, nothing seems odd or out of place until a hand holding a mirror appears in the gap between the floor and stall wall.

CARTMAN:  
Ah, Windy Testicleburger. I've been expecting you.

WENDY:  
Really, fat ass? I was hoping to avoid watching you take a crap.

The stall door opens on its own.

CARTMAN:  
I assure you there's nothing to see here. Please step into my office.

WENDY rolls her eyes and steps into the open stall. Turns out that CARTMAN had been holding it open with a Comfort Wipe (TM) easy wipe rod. Inside, he has set up a desk in front of the toilet. Papers and trinkets ranging from Mega Men figurines, a tiny globe, and a jar of what appear to be mints neatly litter his desk. He leans the rod-like tool against the stall wall before gesturing to said jar. A pair of reading glasses adorn his face.

CARTMAN:  
Care for a mint?

WENDY shakes her head in disgust.

WENDY:  
*tersely*  
What the hell do you want, fat ass?

CARTMAN:  
Well, excuse me for bein' polite, Miss Impatient-Pants.

He removes the glasses from his face, folds them, and sets them on the desk.

CARTMAN:  
I requested your presence to remind you to prepare to meet your maker this afternoon.

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
You brought me in here to tell me that?! Oh, for fuck's sake!

CARTMAN:  
I'm only tryin' to be civil here, Windy.

He again gestures to the jar on his desk.

CARTMAN:  
You sure you don't want a mint?

The two stare at each other in silence for the briefest of moments.

WENDY:  
Knowing you they're probably your mom's crack whore pills.

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
Eat a god damn mint!

WENDY:  
*coldly*  
This afternoon I will hunt you down and make you eat your balls.

She walks away.

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
God dammit! Civilized people eat mints!

After the door squeaks closed CARTMAN backhands the jar, sending it and its contents flying everywhere. He pounds his fists on his desk.

CARTMAN:  
God dammit! I was so close!

The door squeaks open as someone enters the room.

CLYDE:  
*off screen*  
Wow! Mints!

CARTMAN:  
*tersely*  
Jesus Christ. They're muscle relaxers, Clyde.

CLYDE:  
*off screen*  
Oh.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. BROFLOVSKI RESIDENCE/SOUTH PARK HIGH SCHOOL FRONT GROUNDS - DAY  
Establishing shot of the BROFLOVSKI RESIDENCE. GERALD exits the house with a sly smile on his face. He shiftily looks side to side before he pulls a child's walkie-talkie from a pocket.

GERALD:  
*hushed*  
Patsy to Kline. Come in, Kline!

RANDY, hiding in some bushes in front of the high school, looks at his walkie-talkie in confusion.

GERALD:  
*hushed*  
Randy, you're Kline.

RANDY:  
Uh, yeah. I know that, but I thought you were going to be Calvin.

GERALD:  
*hushed*  
It doesn't matter! You got a good position?

RANDY:  
It does matter, Gerry! You can't just change your code name like that! How do I know it's even you?!

GERALD:  
*hushed*  
Do you have a good position or not, Randy?

RANDY:  
Fine. Yeah. I got a great view in the front of the school. You need to get here soon! They're getting ready for- Holy shit, Gerry! You should see the size of the tits on this one girl!

GERALD:  
*hushed*  
How big are they?

RANDY:  
Jesus Christ! She's ugly as fuck, but god damn, they're bigger than that Cartman kid's huge ass!

GERALD:  
Oh, wow! I'll be there as soon as I can!

SHEILA:  
*off screen*  
Gerald, who are you talking to?

GERALD:  
*innocently*  
No one, honey.

SHEILA:  
*off screen*  
Oh. Well, are you going somewhere?

GERALD:  
Uh, sure. I'm going to the...drug store. Yeah! The drug store!

SHEILA:  
*off screen*  
Oh, good! While you're there could you pick up some cough medicine for Ike?

GERALD:  
Uh, sure, honey! Be back soon!

He runs off while chanting the word "titties".

* * *

CUT TO INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - CAFETERIA  
The boys are waiting in line.

CARTMAN:  
You guys, I'm kinda cold right about nyah.

KYLE:  
Normally, I'd say that that's a personal problem, fat ass, but I actually agree with you.

STAN:  
Yeah. I'd give my balls for my underwear.

KENNY:  
But with no balls you wouldn't be able to jizz on a chick's face.

The boys laugh.

CARTMAN:  
That's gross, Kenny.

KENNY shrugs as they enter the kitchen.

CHEF:  
Hello there, children!

STAN/KYLE/CARTMAN/KENNY:  
*in unison*  
Hey, Chef!

CHEF:  
How're my little crackas today?

KYLE:  
Bad.

CHEF:  
I figured as much when I saw the news last night, children. That's why I whipped up a batch of my world famous sweet n' spicy chili!

STAN:  
You made chili? Kick ass!

CARTMAN:  
Yeah! Your chili's the best, Chef!

CHEF:  
It's spicy enough to keep all you li'l crackas warm on those cold lonely winter nights!

CARTMAN:  
Sweet!

STAN:  
Thanks, Chef!

STAN, CARTMAN, and KENNY grab trays and vacate the room.

CHEF:  
You okay, Kyle?

KYLE:  
Chef, what do you do if your best friend's ex-girlfriend asks you to take her to a dance?

CHEF:  
Well, that depends, Kyle. How long has she been an ex?

KYLE:  
Um... About three months?

CHEF:  
Well, if it's just a one night stand of passionate lovemaking, then I say go for it without question.

KYLE:  
Uh...

CHEF:  
*frowns*  
If you're going for a long lasting relationship, then it all depends on whether he's still hung up on her, children.

KYLE:  
*frowns*  
I don't think he is. They had a nasty fight, but now they're friends.

CHEF:  
Either way, tread lightly, Kyle. You don't want to be caught with your pants down.

KYLE:  
*looks down*  
But I'm not wearing pants.

CHEF:  
Metaphorically, children. Actually, I think I might have a song for that might help clear things up.

KYLE:  
That's okay, Chef. Talking it out actually helped!

KYLE vacates the room.

CHEF:  
*frowns*  
Li'l cracka's got himself wrapped up tightly in this one. God help him.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - PLAYGROUND - DAY  
Near the slide, CARTMAN and KENNY are seen filling buckets with snow.

CARTMAN:  
Get the lead out, Kenny! We've got precious time to pack all this snow up!

KENNY:  
Why can't we just use the snow out front?

KYLE:  
*off screen*  
Stan, I need to talk to you.

CARTMAN:  
Just shut up and fill those buckets, asshole!

STAN:  
*off screen*  
What about?

CARTMAN:  
And make sure you get those little rocks in there, too!

The CAMERA follows STAN and KYLE as they walk past.

KYLE:  
It's...about Wendy.

KENNY:  
*off screen, annoyed*  
Fine, fine...

STAN:  
Funny. She mentioned something about you guys this morning.

KYLE:  
*surprised*  
She-she did?

STAN:  
Yeah. So you're taking her to the dance tomorrow, right?

KYLE:  
I, uh, yeah... Um, you're okay with that?

STAN:  
*shrugs*  
She's not my girlfriend. Why should I care?

KYLE:  
Yeah, but you were so...

STAN:  
Eh. It is what it is, dude. She's my friend, nothing more. I'm just glad it's you and not some random jackass.

KYLE:  
*blinks*  
But... Dude...

STAN:  
Dude.

STAN shrugs.

STAN:  
*cont'd*  
You have more in common with her than I do. Besides, I don't think I could ever again, not after that breach of trust. I mean, Wendy's cool, but yeah, I don't think I could ever consider her girlfriend material again.

KYLE:  
But I don't want to lose my best friend over this.

STAN:  
*blinks*  
Dude, stop being retarded. You asked me if I was okay with it and I am. End of story. Actually, it's been three months. I'm surprised it took you guys this long.

KYLE:  
It's...kinda complicated.

STAN:  
Funny. Wendy said the same thing.

KYLE:  
Yeah, well, still. We didn't want to piss you off or anything.

STAN:  
Eh. I've learned something from the whole thing.

KYLE:  
What's that?

STAN:  
Life's too short to be pissed.

KYLE:  
Huh. How'd you figure that out?

STAN:  
Actually, I'm not sure. Star Trek: Voyager?

KYLE:  
You're a ga-jillion light years away from home with no hope of returning in your lifetime and have a sexy Borg as a crewman?

STAN:  
I- Wait. A sexy Borg? When did that happen?!

* * *

CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - FRONT GROUNDS  
CARTMAN and KENNY are hiding in a tree with mounds of yellow snowballs at their disposal.

CARTMAN:  
Where the hell are Stan and Kyle?

KENNY:  
*swinging his legs*  
Kyle said he had some "business" to attend to. I dunno where Stan is.

CARTMAN:  
*irked*  
Pfft. Figures. Those assholes are always out to ruin my plans of greatness.

KENNY:  
You ruin them yourself, actually.

CARTMAN:  
*sighs*  
Shut the hell up, Kenny. Regardless of those two fags, we carry on with the plan. Are the rest of the guys in position?

When KENNY shrugs in response CARTMAN goes silent for a moment.

CARTMAN:  
*irked*  
God dammit, Keenny! You had one job to do and that was to freakin' round up the guys and brief them on the god damn mission!

KENNY:  
Up yours, fat ass! You've had me collecting snow all god damn afternoon!

CARTMAN:  
Whatever. We'll just have to rely on spontaneity to get the job done. It works in musicals.

KENNY nods.

CARTMAN:  
Our goal today, simple as it may be, is to make as many of the girls spill their sweet sweet tears of pain and embarrassment to the ground. We do this and the day will forever be known as...  
*dramatic pause*  
...The Valentine's Day Snowball Massacre.

KENNY:  
But...it's not Valentine's Day.

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
It's close enough, god dammit! Let me have this!

KENNY reluctantly nods. The fat boy grabs a snowball from the pile nearby and leans forward in anticipation.

CARTMAN:  
*hushed*  
Get ready, Kenny! The bell's about to ring!

As if on cue, the bell rings loudly and echoes across the grounds. As soon as kids start pouring out of the front doors-

CARTMAN:  
Now, Kenny!

-the blonde boy takes a whistle and attempts to blow into it with a less than stellar result.

CARTMAN:  
I said now, Kenny!

KENNY tries again with the same result. He looks at the whistle in confusion.

CARTMAN:  
*irked*  
God dammit, Kenny!

KENNY:  
It's broken?

CARTMAN:  
*irked*  
Jesus tap dancing Christ! I'll do it!

CARTMAN brings two fingers to his mouth and blows a loud shrill whistle before pointing to the herd of children on the grounds below.

CARTMAN:  
*shouting*  
Schneeballschlacht, Arschlöcher!

Out amongst the crowd, CLYDE and CRAIG give each other devious looks.

CLYDE:  
Snowball fight!

CRAIG:  
Let's do this!

They, and a few other boys within the shot, arm themselves with frozen ammunition and fire at their nearest female targets. At the door of the school, STAN casually walks out and immediately ducks with a scream as a snowball strikes the door frame inline with where his head had been. He looks up like a deer in headlights to find BEBE, RED, and LOLA grinning mischievously at him.

BEBE:  
There he is, girls! Bring him down and we'll be a step closer to getting Cartman!

STAN:  
*panicked*  
Oh, fuh-

Back in the tree, KENNY is firing ammo haphazardly into the crowd as CARTMAN scans the scene with binoculars.

CARTMAN:  
Where are you, Weendy? Chickening out, are we? Afraid that you'd lose the battle?  
*shouting*  
Come out and face me like a man, Wendy Testaburger!

STAN runs, screaming, underneath them with BEBE and the other girls giving chase.

CARTMAN:  
Hello there! Kenny, attack those girls!

* * *

CUT TO INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - HALLWAY OUTSIDE LIBRARY  
KYLE and WENDY vacate the large wooden doorway with piles of books in their arms.

KYLE:  
Do we really need this many books?

WENDY:  
Well, when you consider that dreaming has much literature written about it, yes. Then you have to factor in anything written specifically about mutual dreaming-

KYLE:  
Of which there is very little.

WENDY:  
-which would then lead to the conclusion that we have much to read about for even the tiniest piece of information.

KYLE:  
Point taken. I've also considered another possibility about all of this.

WENDY:  
What's that?

KYLE:  
What if it wasn't a dream?

WENDY:  
Like the dreams are suppressed memories?

KYLE:  
Something like that.

WENDY:  
I've considered that as well. It's possible, but how else could we have memories of a time when we were older and of events that never happened?

KYLE:  
Maybe time's cyclical?

WENDY:  
Maybe. And let's not forget...

She kisses him on the cheek.

CARTMAN:  
*faintly*  
Come out and fight me, Wendy!

The two look around confused.

KYLE:  
What the hell was that?

WENDY:  
I dunno, but I feel like I'm forgetting something.

KYLE:  
Huh.

A very injured and ragged looking LOLA approaches the two where she suddenly collapses.

LOLA:  
*weakly*  
Wendy...

KYLE:  
Holy shit, dude!

WENDY:  
*kneels*  
Lola! What's wrong! What happened?!

LOLA:  
*weakly*  
Bebe... Captured...by...Cartman...

WENDY:  
Oh, shit! That's what I was forgetting!

KYLE:  
He must have taken her hostage when you didn't show.

WENDY:  
*stands, pissed*  
That fat bastard!

After WENDY drops her books and takes off running down the hallway, KYLE looks down at the still LOLA for a moment before following. When they get to the main foyer, WENDY halts them both with a gasp. Several kids are unconscious in various poses with exploded snowballs plastered across various surfaces like scorch marks from artillery strikes.

KYLE:  
Yeah... I'm thinking we should proceed with caution.

WENDY:  
I concur.

KYLE:  
I'm also thinking we should-

BUTTERS suddenly leaps out from behind a trash can-

BUTTERS:  
*shouting*  
I found her! I found the bitch Wendy!

-and throws a snowball that splatters harmlessly on the book that KYLE suddenly shields WENDY's face with.

KYLE:  
That's the last time we consider letting you out of a locker, Butters!

BUTTERS:  
But- But- Eric said-

KYLE:  
Cartman said what?

BUTTERS:  
Eric said that the bitch Wendy must die.

BUTTERS wrings his hands.

BUTTERS:  
*cont'd*  
An' whuh-well, I thought that if I was the one to do her in good then maybe Eric would stop pickin' on me so much.

WENDY:  
Butters, I thought I told you the other day that-

A snowball suddenly flies from nowhere and beans BUTTERS in the side of the head. He falls to the ground with a cry and continues crying as he curls up in a fetus position.

WENDY:  
*surprised*  
-Cartman's a dick?

A second snowball silences the boy. KYLE and WENDY look up in surprise to find a hatless STAN standing in the entrance doorway.

STAN:  
Guess I saved your asses.

WENDY:  
Actually, it was Sigmund Freud who saved me initially.

STAN:  
Who?

WENDY:  
It doesn't matter.

KYLE:  
Dude, what the hell happened to you?

STAN:  
I tried to save Lola when Kenny and Cartman ambushed her, Bebe, and Red, but Craig and Clyde surprised me and branded me a traitor. Assholes took my hat.  
*darkly*  
Nobody takes my hat.

WENDY:  
What's the situation out there?

STAN:  
The girls are scattered, unorganized, and getting slaughtered. Bebe and Red probably would have held up okay and led the girls to an easy win if they hadn't been focused on targeting me for whatever retarded reason.

KYLE:  
*raises an eyebrow*  
Why would they do that?

STAN shrugs.

STAN:  
Not sure. I do know that there's a few pockets of the guys hanging around, but being since they play a lot of Call of Duty, they have a superior edge over whoever's left.

WENDY:  
So basically, it's going to be me versus everyone.

STAN:  
What about the rest of the girls?

WENDY:  
Fuck them. They ostracized me for not wanting to play with screaming dolls.

STAN:  
Ostrich-sized?

WENDY:  
No, ostracized. You know, to not include someone in something?

STAN gives a uncomprehending look to KYLE, who merely shrugs his shoulders.

STAN:  
What's a big bird have to do with that?

WENDY:  
*sighs*  
Nevermind. Let's go.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - FRONT ENTRANCE  
PIP is patrolling near the doorway with TOKEN and another kid. As soon as he passes, the double doors burst open and KYLE slides out. The three surprised boys quickly turn, but fail to react when STAN suddenly barrel rolls out from behind KYLE. The two boys snowball PIP and the unnamed kid in their heads. WENDY pokes her head from around the door and takes a cheap shot at TOKEN, sending him to the ground with the other two. STAN motions to the other two and they take off running into the battlefield.

Elsewhere, TWEEK, KEVIN, and MARK COTZWALD have a couple of unnamed girls cornered by a huge snowdrift. On the other side of the drift, WENDY is running along side STAN and KYLE. The two boys leap up to climb over it, while WENDY throws herself to the ground feet first to slide directly into it. As soon as the two boys reach the top and have jumped off said drift, time stops. TWEEK, KEVIN, and MARK have looked up with shock and/or possibly fear in their eyes. STAN and KYLE are mid-air and poised to strike against the other boys. The cornered girls are looking at the snow drift in surprise as it's starting to topple on them. Time suddenly resumes with WENDY bursting through the wall of snow and accidentally kicking MARK in the balls as she crashes into him. All the while the snowdrift completes its task and crushes the girls. STAN and KYLE bean KEVIN and TWEEK in their faces and land running.

Elsewhere on the battlefield, the three are running towards their destination, CARTMAN and KENNY in the big tree. The sights and sounds of battle can be seen and heard everywhere, boys versus girls and girls versus boys. Every once in awhile a kid of either gender will pop up out of nowhere ready to attack, only to be attacked themselves. Suddenly, JIMMY and TIMMY block the path.

TIMMY:  
Timmah!

JIMMY:  
You shall nah-

As he struggles to get out the word "not", KYLE dives underneath TIMMY's wheelchair, STAN takes a running sideways slide between the two, and WENDY gently taps them both with snow as she passes.

WENDY:  
Sorry, boys. No offense.

As the three run off-

JIMMY:  
-pass. Well, that didn't go over well, very much.

TIMMY:  
Livin' a lie, Timmah!

When they finally arrive at the tree, they find KENNY using bound BEBE and RED as shields.

BEBE:  
*exasperated*  
Oh, my god! Wendy! I am so glad to see you!

WENDY:  
This is the second time within a week that Bebe's been tied up.

KYLE:  
Yeah. So?

WENDY:  
I'm almost beginning to think she likes it.

BEBE:  
*flatly*  
You know I can hear you, right?

KENNY:  
*waves*  
Hey, guys.

STAN/KYLE:  
*unison*  
Hey, Kenny.

RED:  
*exasperated*  
Be careful, Wendy! Cartman's snowballs are-

RED's face suddenly explodes with snow as BEBE and KENNY look on in shock.

WENDY:  
Let's make this perfectly clear: I'm not here for either of you bitches. I'm here for the fat ass.

BEBE:  
*pissed*  
You bitch!

When she raises a snowball at KENNY, STAN and KYLE do the same.

WENDY:  
Where is he?

KENNY:  
*to STAN and KYLE*  
What's going on?

STAN:  
Sorry, Kenny.

KYLE:  
Yeah, dude. We're not siding with Cartman.

WENDY:  
Where is he, Kenny?

KENNY is nervously silent.

WENDY:  
I've already beaned that Mark kid in the balls. Don't make me do the same to you.

STAN:  
She did, dude. He cried like a bitch.

KENNY:  
Fuck...

WENDY:  
Well?

KENNY:  
He's-

The back of KENNY's head explodes in a yellow mess. As soon as he falls forward another yellow snowball flies past where he had been standing and makes a beeline right for WENDY. KYLE shoves her out of the way and gets a face full of yellow snow. He lands on the ground in a fetus position and makes choking sounds.

WENDY:  
Kyle!

KYLE:  
*chokes*  
Fucking pee!

STAN:  
Gross, dude!

CARTMAN's laughter is heard from behind the tree.

CARTMAN:  
I told that Jew to drink my pee! I didn't think that today would be the day he would!

WENDY:  
Come out and face me, fat ass!

CARTMAN:  
Okay!

The fat boy leaps out from behind said tree and, before STAN or WENDY can react, sends a yellow snowball in their direction that grazes between them.

STAN:  
*leans back*  
Holy shit!

WENDY lobs her own snowball at CARTMAN that hits the ground where he had been before he rolled out of the way. He scrambles back towards the tree as another snowball hits near him.

CARTMAN:  
Jesus Christ!

He leans back against the tree next to a cowering BEBE as a few snowballs explode against the trunk.

CARTMAN:  
Two against one! That's not very fair, assholes!

STAN throws a snowball that hits the front of the tree.

STAN:  
You weigh enough for three people, fat ass!

CARTMAN cringes at a near miss.

CARTMAN:  
I'm not fat, god dammit!

BEBE:  
Untie me, Cartman.

CARTMAN:  
*surprised*  
What?! After last Saturday?

He laughs.

CARTMAN:  
*cont'd*  
Why the hell should I do that?

BEBE:  
I'll help you take the stupid bitch down.

A snowball hits the tree near CARTMAN's head again, causing him to cringe forward.

CARTMAN:  
Which one? They're both stupid bitches.

Back at STAN and WENDY-

WENDY:  
I'm beginning to think the giant pussy isn't going to come out.

STAN:  
He'll come out. He'll go hungry in the next five minutes or something if he doesn't.

CARTMAN suddenly slides out from behind the tree on the right and lets fly airborne snow. When STAN and WENDY dodge in opposite directions, BEBE slides out from the opposite side of the tree and pegs STAN in the head. STAN goes down in a heap, much to WENDY's horror. She lobs a ball at BEBE and pegs her in the stomach, but not before CARTMAN grazes her on the shoulder. She spins around and almost falls, but remains standing.

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
What the hell?! I hit you, bitch! I win!

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
Grazes don't count, fat ass!

The two bend down to make more ammunition.

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
Fine! Guess I'll just have to hit you squahr in the nuts!

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
Girls don't have nuts, you retard!

The two straighten up and both lob their balls at the same time. Both balls collide with each other mid-flight and mid-distance between the two. They both watch as the newly formed misshapen snowball flies straight up in the air and then falls to the ground.

WENDY:  
Huh. You don't see that every day.

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
Stop mocking me, you bitch!

The two bend down, make another snowball each, and straighten up. CARTMAN feints a throw, which causes WENDY to immediately let hers go. He dodges and beans her in the shoulder when she tries to make another snowball in a panic. She flies backward at an awkward angle with an angered cry, lands in the snow near KYLE, and doesn't move. CARTMAN stares at the downed WENDY in shock.

CARTMAN:  
*shocked*  
I won...  
*excited*  
Oh, my fucking god! I won!

He begins dancing.

CARTMAN:  
Sca-rew you, Weendy Testaburger! I kicked your stupid ass!

He laughs mockingly.

WENDY:  
*weakly*  
Up yours, fat ass.

CARTMAN digs around in his nearby backpack.

CARTMAN:  
That's fine, Wendy. Call me what you want, 'cause I just kicked your bitch ass in a snowball fight!

WENDY groans. He produces a camera and snaps a photo of the scene.

CARTMAN:  
This'll be perfect for my scrapbook. I'll think I'll call it...Snowballed Bitch over Pee Faced Jew.

He grabs his pack and walks away laughing.

CARTMAN:  
Screw you guys! I'm goin' home...to gloat on Facebook!

WENDY crawls closer to KYLE with a groan.

WENDY:  
*weakly*  
Kyle? You okay?

KYLE:  
*weakly*  
I got hit...in the face...with Cartman's pee.

WENDY:  
I know. That's gross, dude. Don't expect any kisses from me.

STAN laughs from his facedown position nearby. KYLE falls silent as WENDY sits up. She looks up as a series of police vehicles, with their lights and sirens blaring, fly past on the nearby highway. This prompts STAN to prop himself up with his hands.

STAN:  
Were those police sirens?

WENDY:  
Yeah. Looks like they were heading towards the high school.

This prompts KYLE to sit up.

KYLE:  
I wonder what's going on?

He smacks his lips together and sticks out his tongue in disgust.

KYLE:  
*disgusted*  
Aw... It's all salty.

WENDY:  
Ewww!

STAN:  
*laughs*  
Gross, dude.

[To be continued...]


	10. The Valentine's Day Exploding Cowgirl

**_Chapter Ten_**  
 ** _The Valentine's Day Exploding Cowgirl Incident_**

* * *

FADE IN EXT. SOUTH PARK HIGH SCHOOL  
STAN, KYLE, KENNY, and WENDY arrive on the scene as OFFICER BARBRADY directs the large mob of angry men away from a dead girl with a cow's head. Seen among the crowd are RANDY, GERALD, SKEETER, STEPHEN STOTCH, and STUART MCCORMICK.

ANGRYMAN#1:  
We're trying to see the girls, Barbrady!

ANGRYMAN#2:  
Yeah! Get this mess outta here!

BARBRADY:  
And I've told you time and time again; there's nothing to see here! Move along!

STAN:  
What's going on, Officer Barbrady?

BARBRADY:  
Huh? Oh, this is no place for young kids!

WENDY:  
We're just curious as to what's going on. You're here with a huge crowd of men and a dead girl wearing a fake cow's head.

Several of the men in the crowd give each other puzzled looks, while BARBRADY just stands stone faced.

BARBRADY:  
There's no dead girl here.

KYLE:  
Yeah, there is.

KYLE points in the direction of the dead girl.

KYLE:  
*cont'd*  
Over there.

A close up of the dead girl shows that she's completely naked. Her torso looks as if something burst out from within her chest cavity. The area is not only covered in blood and various meaty bits, but a white liquid as well.

BARBRADY:  
Oh, that? That's- That's just a cow.

The four kids blink in unison.

KYLE:  
There is no way that is a cow. I mean, the head looks like paper-matchey!

STAN:  
Like what?

KYLE:  
You know, that stuff that we made from shredded newspaper and glue.

STAN:  
Which stuff?

KYLE:  
That stuff that Cartman spent all class eating.

WENDY:  
Ewww!

STAN:  
*realizes*  
Oh! That stuff!

BARBRADY:  
You need your eyes checked, smartie pants! I think I know a dead cow when I see one!

WENDY walks up to the body and grips the head in her hands.

BARBRADY:  
Hey! Get away from my crime scene, you! You're leaving your filthy fingerprints all over the evidence!

She attempts to tug the head off to no avail. She and the boys look puzzled when nothing happens.

WENDY:  
But-

KENNY:  
*points*  
Hey, what's that?

STAN walks up and grabs a hold of a locket from around the cowgirl's neck. He opens it and reads-

STAN:  
*reading*  
"If found, please return to the South Park Genetical Engine-eering Ranch, in care of Dr. Alphonsy MEPHESTO."

He blinks in surprise.

STAN:  
*cont'd*  
Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.

WENDY:  
Ewww!

The two quickly back away and look at BARBRADY.

BARBRADY:  
I told you it was a cow, but you didn't listen!

RANDY and GERALD appear behind the boys and WENDY.

RANDY:  
Stan?! What the hell are you doing here?

STAN:  
Dad?

GERALD:  
And Kyle?! You need to go home! There are things around here that aren't for young eyes to see!

KYLE:  
What? You mean like a mutilated girl with a giant cow's head?

RANDY:  
Well, yeah, that too, but you shouldn't be here. There are too many naked girls. You might get the wrong idea.

STAN:  
How? We've been seeing naked girls all day. I don't see them any differently. They're just as naked as I am.

RANDY:  
When you're older you'll figure it out.

WENDY pinches the bridge of her nose.

WENDY:  
Can we stop talking about naked girls for a moment?

SKEETER:  
That's a strange thing for a nekkid girl to say, what with you bein' nekkid 'n all.

WENDY:  
And you'd rather focus on that than the girl with a giant cow's head that is lying dead no more than five feet from us?

RANDY:  
Well, yeah, but we're more concerned about you kids seeing nudity.

STAN:  
*facepalms*  
We've been naked all day, dad, and we have to be naked all day tomorrow.

RANDY just stares at STAN, as if he's unable to comprehend.

RANDY:  
Oh. Well, you can't see boobs, then.

WENDY:  
But my boobs have been exposed all day!

RANDY:  
Uh, you can't see big boobs, then.

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
Hey!

GERALD:  
Go on, Kyle. Go play elsewhere with your friends. We'll take care of the mess here.

RANDY ushers the kids away.

KENNY:  
*to KYLE*  
They just want to watch the high school girls.

KYLE rolls his eyes.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK GENETIC ENGINEERING RANCH - NIGHT  
Lightning flashes on the establishing shot.

CUT TO INT. SOUTH PARK GENETIC ENGINEERING RANCH - LAB  
DR. ALPHONSE MEPHESTO and his little creature friend KEVIN are looking down into the CAMERA, which is pointed to the ceiling.

MEPHESTO:  
I'd like to thank you children for finding my Bessie.

He tinkers with something off screen bottom.

MEPHESTO:  
I've spent many weeks perfecting her DNA so that a human woman could produce milk as tasty and refreshing as a bovine's.

When the shot moves to a more proper one, it can be seen that the dead cowgirl has been moved from the crime scene. STAN, KYLE, KENNY, and WENDY watch on with interest.

STAN:  
Why?

MEPHESTO:  
With the sudden onset of exploding cows, our milk resource could suddenly disappear. The only other animal that produces milk that humans can consume is human itself; it just doesn't taste as good.

KYLE:  
So, let me get this straight, you changed a girl's DNA so that she'd have a giant cow's head and produce cow milk?

MEPHESTO:  
No, no! That would be unethical! I changed a cow's DNA so that she was a human that produced cow milk!

STAN:  
*to KYLE*  
Isn't that basically the same thing?

KYLE shrugs.

WENDY:  
Why was she at the high school?

MEPHESTO:  
She was enrolled there.

All four kids gasp.

MEPHESTO:  
She wanted to be a cheerleader. Who am I to judge?

KENNY:  
And nobody noticed a girl with huge knockers and a cow's head?

MEPHESTO:  
No, no, no. She looked perfectly normal when in clothing, but with the Mayor's recent decree-

STAN:  
*rolls his eyes*  
Don't remind us.

MEPHESTO:  
-her genetic abnormalities were obviously more apparent.

He motions for the others to follow him as he walks through the lab. Various strange genetically enhanced animals can be seen in both the background and foreground, including the Swiss cheese spliced with chalk and a beard.

MEPHESTO:  
I had hoped that changing Bessie's DNA would have made her immune to whatever is causing our cows to explode, but it would seem that I have failed. My only hope now is that I can isolate the cause before anything happens to Clarabella.

KYLE:  
Who's Clarabella?

They stop at a glass cage that houses a normal looking black haired little girl with a cow's tail. Said girl is cowering in the corner.

MEPHESTO:  
This is Clarabella.

WENDY steps forward and gently taps on the glass. The cowgirl turns around in surprise, revealing cow ears, tiny horns on her forehead, a septum style nose piercing complete with a ring, and at least four nipples on her chest. She eyes the four children.

CLARABELLA:  
*excitedly*  
Moo!

WENDY's mouth gapes open in surprise.

STAN:  
Damn, dude. This is pretty fucked up right here.

KYLE:  
What's wrong with her?

CLARABELLA:  
*excitedly*  
Moo moo moo! Moomoo!

MEPHESTO:  
This is unusual. She's never acted like this before.

STAN:  
Why does she keep saying "moo"?

MEPHESTO:  
She may look like a little girl, but she's still just a cow.

CLARABELLA:  
*excitedly*  
Moo! Moo moomoo moo moo!

KYLE:  
It sounds almost like we're upsetting her.

MEPHESTO:  
It's quite possible. She normally only sees Kevin and myself.

STAN approaches the glass and puts his hand on its surface.

STAN:  
It's okay. We're not going to hurt you.

The cowgirl hesitates for a moment before approaching and placing a hand on the opposite side of the glass.

CLARABELLA:  
Mooo...

STAN:  
*blinks*  
Maybe you should let her out, dude.

MEPHESTO:  
I would, but I'm afraid to do so until I can isolate what's causing cows to randomly explode. If only I had more time!

The cowgirl continues to stare at STAN.

CLARABELLA:  
*hushed*  
Help.

STAN:  
*surprised*  
What?

CLARABELLA:  
Moo.

STAN just stares back in disbelief.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK GENETIC ENGINEERING RANCH - NIGHT  
A slight breeze blows through the night, kicking up clouds of snow dust and causing several trees on the grounds to rattle their branches. STAN, decked out in all black, approaches the front gate and flattens himself against the "Keep Out" sign. After waiting to see if he was spotted, he uses the sign to help him climb over the spiked fence. After he lands on the other side, a slight breeze blows one side of the gate open with a creak.

STAN:  
*pissed*  
What the hell? Seriously?

* * *

CUT TO EXT. BUS STOP - MORNING  
KYLE, CARTMAN, and KENNY are waiting for the bus.

CARTMAN:  
So, let me get this straight. That crazy old dude changed a cow into a girl?

KYLE:  
Yeah.

CARTMAN:  
...with big titties?

KYLE:  
Yeah.

CARTMAN:  
...and it exploded?

KYLE:  
Yeah, dude. Absolutely bizarre.

CARTMAN:  
Fucking gross is what it is.

KYLE:  
The other one actually looked like a girl. She just couldn't talk. Also, bizarre.

CARTMAN:  
Wendy Testicleburger is a dumb cow. You sure you weren't looking at her?

CARTMAN laughs which prompts KYLE to smack him on the back of the head.

KYLE:  
Don't rip on Wendy, dude.

CARTMAN:  
Ay! Serves the bitch right for not bein' able to back up her shit talk.

KYLE:  
You know, I could tell you to stop gloating.

CARTMAN:  
You can tell me all you want, pee-drinker. Doesn't mean I give a rat's ass.

He laughs mockingly.

CARTMAN:  
*cont'd*  
Although I was hardcore gloating when I uploaded "Snowballed Bitch over Pee Faced Jew" to Facebook and tagged the both of you in it.

KYLE:  
*tersely*  
You did what?

CARTMAN:  
It's only a matter of time before Lieutenant Sulu reposts it. Once he does, you and Bitchtaburger will be internet famous.

CARTMAN laughs.

KYLE:  
I really hope you're joking.

CARTMAN:  
It's okay, Kyle. I'm only fucking with you. Heh heh.

KYLE:  
Thank god.

CARTMAN shakes his backpack.

CARTMAN:  
I'm actually goin' to project it on the cafeteria wall during lunch.

KYLE:  
What?!

KYLE attempts to grab CARTMAN's pack, but immediately stops and looks away.

KYLE:  
*confused*  
Dude, what did you do?

* * *

CUT TO INT. SOUTH PARK GENETIC ENGINEERING RANCH - LAB  
MEPHESTO bursts through the door with KEVIN at his heels. He stops at a desk, gathers some paperwork, and quickly continues on his way.

MEPHESTO:  
I think I found the answer, Kevin! I just need to run some more tests!

When the doctor passes the glass cage that used to contain a cow human hybrid, KEVIN stops to stare at its open door.

MEPHESTO:  
*off screen*  
Kevin, get on the phone and see if Farmer Denkins can spare a few cows for testing!

He looks up in the direction that MEPHESTO had vacated and hurries to catch up.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. BUST STOP - MORNING  
STAN and CLARABELLA the cowgirl have joined the boys. CLARABELLA's breasts appear to be slightly larger than the last time she was seen. CARTMAN and KENNY look confused, while KYLE looks absolutely horrified.

KYLE:  
Dude, where did she come from?

CLARABELLA:  
Moo!

STAN:  
Um, the genetical engine-eering ranch?

KYLE:  
Dude! You could be charged with theft and kidnapping!

CARTMAN:  
Sweet.

STAN:  
Really?

KYLE:  
*pissed*  
Durr, dude! Seriously! What the hell possessed you to go back there?!

STAN:  
I don't know, dude! I just felt sorry for her!

KYLE:  
*pissed*  
The fuck, Stan?! You realize how weak that sounds?!

STAN:  
Jesus, calm down, Kyle! If anybody asks, she got out herself. Cows aren't stupid.

CARTMAN:  
They sound like your parents, Kenny.

KENNY:  
*sadly*  
They're not drunk, poor, stupid, or loud enough.

KYLE storms off and grabs CLARABELLA by the wrist.

KYLE:  
*pissed*  
C'mon! We're taking her back to the genetical ranch before we get in trouble.

CLARABELLA struggles against KYLE's grip.

CLARABELLA:  
*frantic*  
Noo!

KYLE stops in shock and slowly turns to look at her. The other boys look on with the same expression.

KYLE:  
Did-did you just say "no"?

CLARABELLA:  
*frantic*  
Noo go back!

KYLE:  
*quickly lets go of her hand*  
Holy crap, dude!

STAN:  
I knew cows were smart, but god damn!

CARTMAN:  
You guys, this is why I don't like my steak rare! I don't want it talkin' back to me as I'm eating it!

KYLE:  
Why don't you want to go back?

CLARABELLA:  
*sadly*  
Loone...ly.

Three of four boys share a concerned look. Cartman just raises an eyebrow.

STAN:  
You were lonely?

The cowgirl nods.

KYLE:  
Well, hell. Now I feel like a dick.

CARTMAN:  
I've been saying that you were one for years now.

STAN:  
Shut up, Cartman.

KYLE:  
What should we do?

STAN:  
*shrugs*  
Disguise her?

CLARABELLA:  
Moo?

KYLE:  
Do you know anything about dressing up girls?

STAN:  
No. Cartman?

CARTMAN:  
Puh, yeah, right.

STAN:  
Kenny?

KENNY shakes his head.

STAN:  
Well, then I guess we take her to school and ask Wendy.

CARTMAN:  
*excitedly*  
You guys! Screw Wendy! What if we just passed her off as a freak with a tail?

STAN:  
*tersely*  
What.

CARTMAN:  
Like she's one of those creepy freak babies with three arms?

KYLE:  
That's the stupidest thing I've ever-

STAN:  
No, dude. It could work.

CLARABELLA:  
Moo moo moo?

KYLE:  
But she sounds like a cow!

STAN:  
Then we have until we get to class to teach her how to talk like us!

KYLE seems unimpressed with the plan, but is unable to voice his opinion as the bus pulls up. The boys go to get on.

MS. CRABTREE:  
Wait a minute! Why the hell is that cow trying to get on the bus?

STAN:  
She's not a cow, dude! She's...the new girl...from Wisconsin.

MS. CRABTREE:  
Oh! Well, alright then. I like your cheese, little girl.

CARTMAN stifles a laugh.

* * *

CUT TO INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - HALLWAY  
As STAN and CLARABELLA walk down the hallway, other students give puzzled looks.

STAN:  
Okay, so we'll try this again. Mr. Garrison is going to ask why you're in class and you're going to say...

CLARABELLA:  
I mooved here froom Wiscoonsin.

STAN:  
Kick ass, dude! I can't believe how fast you've learned this!

The cowgirl smiles.

KYLE:  
*off screen*  
There you are!

STAN:  
Hey, dude.

KYLE and WENDY join them in walking to class.

KYLE:  
So what's the story for Mr. Garrison?

CLARABELLA:  
*excitedly*  
I mooved here froom Wiscoonsin!

WENDY:  
Oh, wow! Think he'll buy it?

STAN:  
Dude, remember that time Kenny dressed up as a girl and had Mr. Garrison convinced he was from that country with the windmills for a week?

WENDY:  
You mean Holland?

STAN:  
*uncaring*  
Yeah, whatever.

KYLE:  
He'll buy it.

In the classroom, all the kids are seated, with CLARABELLA in between STAN and KYLE. MR. GARRISON enters the room.

MR. GARRISON:  
All right, class. We're going to pick up from yesterday's lesson about how George Washington Carver chopped down the first cherry tree as a Valentine's Day gift for Jackie Kennedy Onassis.

He pauses to eye CLARABELLA.

MR. GARRISON:  
Who the hell are you and what are you doing in my classroom?

CLARABELLA:  
I mooved here froom Wiscoonsin!

MR. GARRISON:  
That's great, but who are you?

CLARABELLA:  
*excitedly*  
I mooved here froom Wiscoonsin!

KYLE:  
*to STAN, hushed*  
Dude! Is that all she can say?

STAN:  
Uh, kinda.

MR. GARRISON:  
We've already established that, cheese-packer! What's your name?

CLARABELLA:  
*puzzled*  
Moo?

MR. GARRISON:  
"Moo?" What the hell kind of name is that? No, don't tell me. You are from Wisconsin after all. You're all fucking weird up there, what with your Tom Wopats, Dustin Diamonds, and strange obsession with humping cows.

STAN:  
*hushed, to KYLE*  
He bought it.

MR. GARRISON turns to write on the blackboard.

MR. GARRISON:  
So, anyway, in 1875 George Washington Carver-

CLARABELLA:  
*confused*  
Moo?

* * *

CUT TO INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - CAFETERIA  
A large photo of the defeated WENDY and KYLE from the snowball fight the day before is projected on one of the walls. WENDY is seen brooding about it with the other girls, though BEBE seems to be keeping her distance. STAN, an angry KYLE, CARTMAN, and KENNY are at their usual table with their new friend. CLARABELLA, seated next to STAN, swishes her tail irritably as she rubs her much noticeably larger breasts. While STAN, KYLE, and CARTMAN appear to be oblivious to her actions, KENNY watches intently with a smile on his face.

KYLE:  
You are such an asshole, Cartman.

CARTMAN:  
*smugly*  
Yes, well, I just love the fact that Wendy is currently spreading her giant poonanner to the entire school like a god damn slut. What a bitch.

KYLE:  
It's a photo. And you put it there.

CARTMAN:  
Kahl, do you deny that that is Wendy Testaburger?

KYLE:  
No.

CARTMAN:  
And do you deny that that is her giant poonanner winking at us right now?

KYLE:  
No, that is most certainly a vagina.

STAN:  
I wouldn't say it's winking...

CARTMAN:  
So, would you say that the statement "Wendy Testaburger is spreading her giant poonanner in front of the entire cafeteria" is a false one?

KYLE:  
*pauses angrily*  
No.

CARTMAN:  
Yes, well, it's certainly hard to miss something that huge.

CARTMAN laughs deviously.

KYLE:  
*flatly*  
It's embarrassing.

CARTMAN:  
I know! Isn't it awesome?!

KYLE:  
Whatever. I'm done talking to you.

KYLE points to CLARABELLA.  
KYLE:  
*to STAN*  
So, have you figured out what you're going to do with her?

STAN:  
I was thinking about taking her back to the genetical ranch after school.

CLARABELLA:  
*fearfully*  
Noo!

She grabs STAN's arm and pulls herself close to him. Upon doing so, two things happen. One: STAN raises his eyebrows in concern. Two: one of her enlarged breasts smooshes itself up against STAN's arm causing streams of white liquid from her nipples to arc across the table into CARTMAN's face. The fat boy sputters as it hits him between the eyes.

STAN:  
Whoa, dude!

STAN and KYLE laugh while KENNY grins like a lecherous fool.

CARTMAN:  
*irked*  
The fuck?!

KYLE:  
Wow! Cool! She's like a sprinkler!

CARTMAN, in attempting to clean his face, inadvertently licks some of the milk from his lips.

CLARABELLA:  
Moo?

His expression suddenly goes blank.

KENNY:  
She's not the only one.

KYLE:  
I don't get it, Kenny.

STAN:  
Me either.

KENNY laughs while CARTMAN sits absolutely flabbergasted.

STAN:  
You okay, Cartman?

CARTMAN:  
You guys... I think...

KYLE:  
What?

CARTMAN:  
I think I just tasted the best tasting milk ever.

KYLE:  
*raises an eyebrow*  
What?

CARTMAN:  
*dreamily*  
It was like...nothing I ever tasted before.

CLARABELLA:  
*raises an eyebrow*  
Moo?

KYLE:  
What's that taste like?

CARTMAN:  
Vanilla with a hint of mint and something else I can't quite put my finger on.

CARTMAN stares blankly at the cowgirl.

CARTMAN:  
*dreamily*  
Your boobs are filled with heaven.

The girl makes an attempt to hide behind STAN.

CARTMAN:  
*hushed*  
I...must have it.

STAN:  
That's...kinda creepy, Cartman.

CARTMAN suddenly attempts to leap over the table, but only ends up belly flopping on the table top which causes the other four to lean back in surprise. His arms are outstretched in an attempt to grab CLARABELLA's breasts.

CARTMAN:  
*shouting*  
I want that milk, god dammit!

* * *

CUT TO INT. SOUTH PARK GENETIC ENGINEERING RANCH - LAB  
MEPHESTO and KEVIN are watching video footage of the legless HALFIE on a stool having sex with a cow. MEPHESTO seems unimpressed.

MEPHESTO:  
Well, I think we can assume that cows are not being molested to the point of explosion.

He gets up and walks towards a glass room. Here it is revealed that the video footage of HALFIE is a live feed. Several other cows are in the room as well seemingly paying no mind to anything going on. One of them has an udder that is severely swollen to the point that the cow would be unable to walk if it tried. MEPHESTO leans up against the glass in exasperation.

MEPHESTO:  
I just wish I could figure it all out!

The cow with the swollen udder suddenly explodes in a bloody milky mess. HALFIE, now covered in milky gore and in the throes of passion, pays no attention. MEPHESTO stares at the scene with his mouth agape.

MEPHESTO:  
I... I think I've got it! Kevin! Give the homeless man his fifty dollars and have one of the clones clean this mess up! I must do more experiments!

KEVIN just blinks.

* * *

CUT TO INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - HALLWAY  
STAN and an uncomfortable looking CLARABELLA are standing near the janitor's closet. CLARABELLA's breasts have increased in size yet again and look slightly reddish in color complete with visible veins.

STAN:  
Alright. The next class is Art. The teacher there isn't as retarded as Mr. Garrison. Got your story straight?

She gives one of her breasts a rub and nods.

CLARABELLA:  
I'm Clarabella. I mooved here froom Wiscoonsin.

STAN:  
Sweet!  
*pauses*  
Dude, you okay?

The cowgirl looks surprised at the question at first, but then shakes her head. She holds both her swollen breasts in her hands.

CLARABELLA:  
Moo?

STAN:  
*raises an eyebrow*  
Um, yeah, those are boobs.

CLARABELLA:  
*shakes head*  
Moolk...me.

STAN's expression drops in realization.

STAN:  
You...want me...to milk you?

When the girl smiles and nods, he raises an eyebrow once more.

STAN:  
You...want me...to milk you?

She eagerly nods again and takes his hand in hers.

STAN:  
Why me? Isn't that something you should...you know...do yourself?

CLARABELLA:  
Moo...

STAN stares in puzzlement for a moment before looking down at her breasts. The door to the janitor's closet opens slightly behind them revealing a bit of CARTMAN's face.

STAN:  
Damn, dude...  
*pauses*  
Alright. After school, but you're coming to the dance with us tonight.

CLARABELLA eagerly hugs STAN. When she does, three things happen. One, her swollen breasts crush up against his chest resulting in a large puddle of milk forming on the floor. Two, several student passersby look at the two and the puddle in either disgust or confusion. Three, CARTMAN's face turns beet red for a moment before he bursts out of the closet.

CARTMAN:  
*panicked*  
What the fuck are you doing?!

He shoves the two out of the way, goes down on all fours, and starts licking milk off the floor with loud and embarrassing slurping noises.

CARTMAN:  
*panicked*  
Can't waste it! Can't waste it!

KYLE and KENNY walk up at this point and stare in bewilderment.

KYLE:  
*puzzled*  
What...the...fuck?

STAN:  
*puzzled*  
Your guess is a good as mine.

KENNY:  
That must be some magic titty milk...

STAN:  
No kidding.

KYLE:  
Dude, why are the two of you all wet?

STAN, looking like he was caught doing something he wasn't supposed to, looks to CLARABELLA who only smiles in response. He then looks to KENNY who nods with a knowing look, to CARTMAN on the floor-

CARTMAN:  
*panicked*  
Can't waste heaven! Seriously! You guys! Gotta drink it all!

-and finally to KYLE who just raises an eyebrow.

STAN:  
*quickly*  
She hugged me.

KENNY:  
The last girl that hugged me got all wet, too.

KYLE:  
I can't tell if you're being serious or if that's some sick joke I fail to understand.

KENNY laughs.

* * *

CUT TO INT. SOUTH PARK GENETIC ENGINEERING RANCH - LAB  
MEPHESTO finishes connecting a milking machine to a distressed looking cow with an udder so swollen that its hooves are barely touching the floor.

COW:  
Moo.

Once the task is complete, MEPHESTO turns on the apparatus, runs through the open door, and slams it shut. He watches from the safety offered by the thick glass wall. As the teat cups attached to the cow's udder bob up and down like pistons, milk begins to flow rapidly through the translucent tubes. A look of relief flashes across the cow's face as its udder slowly starts to shrink.

MEPHESTO:  
*excitedly*  
Yes! That's it! Kevin! That's it!

KEVIN bounces up and down in excitement.

MEPHESTO:  
The cows have been exploding due to an increase in milk production that isn't matched by current milking procedures! Quick! Go retrieve Clarabella! She'll need to be milked soon!

KEVIN stops bouncing and just stares at MEPHESTO.

MEPHESTO:  
I get the feeling that you're about to tell me some bad news.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. BUS STOP - DAY  
The bus pulls up and opens its doors. KENNY, CARTMAN, KYLE, and STAN exit the bus and walk towards their homes. CLARABELLA struggles to catch up considering that her breasts are now so swollen and painful looking that she has to use her hands to hold them up. Their color has changed from red to purple.

CLARABELLA:  
*pained*  
Moooo!

The boys stop in surprise. A creepy sort of grin crosses CARTMAN's face.

CLARABELLA:  
*pained*  
Moolk...me.

STAN:  
Here?

When she nods STAN looks around in embarrassment.

STAN:  
*cont'd*  
I dunno, dude.

CARTMAN:  
*licks his lips*  
If you won't, asshole, I will.  
*hushed*  
I want to taste heaven.

The other three boys share a look of concern before going back to CARTMAN.

KYLE:  
What the hell is wrong with you, Cartman? You've been acting weird ever since lunch.

STAN:  
Yeah, dude. You're really starting to creep us out.

CARTMAN only responds with a creepy grin. STAN grabs CLARABELLA by the arm and walks her away from the group.

STAN:  
C'mon, dude. We'll go back to my house.

CARTMAN suddenly lunges at STAN with a deranged cry and tackles him to the ground. CLARABELLA loses her balance and falls over as well. CARTMAN punches STAN. STAN attempts to avoid being hit.

CARTMAN:  
I want that milk, god dammit! You'll just waste it!

STAN:  
What the hell, Cartman?! Get off of me!

CARTMAN:  
You can't waste tasty heaven, asshole!

KYLE and KENNY rush over and pull CARTMAN off of STAN. STAN stands and wipes his mouth.

STAN:  
What the hell, Cartman?

CARTMAN:  
*struggles, shouting*  
Let me go, assholes! I need to stop him! He'll waste it! He'll waste it all!

KYLE:  
*irked*  
Waste what, fat ass?

CARTMAN:  
*struggles*  
The liquid heaven! I must have it!

STAN:  
*irked*  
Why?

CARTMAN stops struggling for a moment and genuinely looks incredibly sad.

CARTMAN:  
My cereal's dry...

STAN:  
*tersely*  
What.

KYLE:  
C'mon, Kenny. Let's take crazy ass home and lock him in the basement.

KENNY nods and the two lead the struggling and shouting CARTMAN away.

KYLE:  
We'll meet you at the dance, Stan.

CARTMAN:  
*shouting*  
No, Kahl! You're fucking it all up! He'll kill us all! Kinny! Let me go, god dammit! I have to have it!

KYLE:  
Sure thing, fat ass.

CARTMAN:  
*shouting*  
Nooo! You guys! Dry cereal! Nooo!

CLARABELLA and STAN share a look before STAN shrugs.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. MARSH RESIDENCE - DAY  
Establishing shot.

STAN:  
*off screen*  
I dunno, dude. I still feel like this is...wrong or perverted on some level.

CUT TO INT. MARSH RESIDENCE - UPSTAIRS BATHROOM  
STAN and CLARABELLA are standing in the shower. The cowgirl's breasts look ready to explode at any moment. Tears stream down her face as she breathes heavily in pain.

STAN:  
Okay. You sure you want me to do this?

The cowgirl tearfully nods.

STAN:  
You sure you can't...do this on your own?

CLARABELLA:  
*pained*  
Moo!

STAN:  
Okay...  
*pauses*  
How?

CLARABELLA:  
*painfully*  
Moo moo moomoo moooo!

STAN:  
Okay! Okay! I guess I'll just try something...or whatever.

He places his hands on her incredibly swollen teats and begins to tug gently on them.

STAN:  
I don't feel weird doing this...

The CAMERA cuts to the hallway and focuses on the closed bathroom door. STAN snickers a few times until a jet stream of liquid hitting a surface can be heard. The sound of one stream suddenly becomes two. Two becomes three. Three becomes four.

STAN:  
*off screen, puzzled*  
What the fuh-

STAN's scream suddenly becomes waterlogged. Immediately thereafter, the door bursts off its hinges and STAN flies through the door way, propelled by a large jet stream of milk. After the waterworks stop, he sits up and shakes white liquid from his hands and face.

STAN:  
Dude, I think I swallowed some of it!

CLARABELLA exits the bathroom with her face full of relief. Her bust, while still swollen looking, has decreased tremendously in size and is no longer a dangerous shade of purple.

STAN:  
Feel better?

CLARABELLA:  
*nods eagerly*  
Fuck me. I thought my udders were going to explode.

STAN:  
Wait. What did you just say?

There is an awkward silence for a beat.

CLARABELLA:  
*confused*  
I thought my udders were going to explode?

STAN:  
Dude!

CLARABELLA looks around in a panic.

CLARABELLA:  
What?

STAN:  
Holy shit! I can understand you!

There is another awkward silence.

CLARABELLA:  
*eyes wide*  
You can understand everything I'm saying?!

STAN:  
Yeah, dude! Clear as day!

CLARABELLA:  
Oh, thank fucking cow! Human language is so fucking difficult to speak!  
*pauses*  
Yet so easy to understand.

STAN:  
*confused*  
Wait. What? If you're not speaking English...

After she shakes her head, there is a pause.

STAN:  
Kenny was right. You must have some magic titty milk.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. CARTMAN RESIDENCE - DAY  
Establishing shot.

CARTMAN:  
*off screen*  
Fucking assholes.

CUT TO INT. CARTMAN RESIDENCE - BASEMENT  
CARTMAN, who had been tied to a chair with duct tape, is removing the last of the tape from his person with his teeth.

CARTMAN:  
Why couldn't they have used duct tape that tastes like tacos?!  
*pissed*  
Jesus Christ!

Upstairs, CARTMAN storms through the basement door.

CARTMAN:  
*shouting*  
Mom! MOM! You need to drive me to Denkin's farm so can I get revenge on Stan and Kyyyllle! Moooom!  
*pauses*  
God dammit! That bitch is never around when I need her!

He sits down on the couch.

CARTMAN:  
I need to think of a way to get those assholes back and to keep the milk bitch for myself. Hmm...  
*pissed*  
I can't think with all this god damn silence!

He turns on the TV. On the screen, NEWSCASTER TOM is sitting at his desk.

NEWSCASTER TOM:  
-to which Ms. Fisher drunkenly stated, "*bleep* Star Wars and *bleep* George Lucas!" When it was pointed out that she had been ranting to a fire hydrant, Ms. Fisher urinated on the police officer and then proceeded to call him a "god*beep* wookie fu*beep*g nerf-herder".

CARTMAN:  
*laughs*  
Sweet.

NEWSCASTER TOM:  
In other news-

A picture of MEPHESTO spirals onto the top right of the screen.

NEWSCASTER TOM:  
-local crackpot and genetic engineer, Alphonse MEPHESTO, is currently offering a reward for the location of an escaped human/cow hybrid experiment.

CARTMAN's eyes go wide in surprise.

NEWSCASTER TOM:  
She's been described as a young girl with black hair, various cow like features, and extremely large titties. Here's a picture!

An image of Shannen Doherty from circa 1993 flashes on the screen.

NEWSCASTER TOM:  
If anyone has any information on this special cow they are to call Animal Patrol or get in touch with Dr. MEPHESTO at the South Park Genetic-

CARTMAN shuts off the TV as an evil smile crosses his face.

CARTMAN:  
*darkly*  
I have to admit, that was a well-timed informative news break. Kudos, Channel Four. Kudos.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. DENKIN'S BARN - NIGHT  
During the establishing shot, it can be seen that a huge banner reading "South Park Kids' Valentine's Day Dance" has been hung above the main entrance. Loud twangy country music can be heard coming from the inside. The CAMERA cuts closer as STAN, KYLE, WENDY, KENNY, KENNY's younger sister KAREN, and CLARABELLA stop just before the entrance. The five normal kids are all wearing their normal attires. CLARABELLA is sporting a black and white spotted summer dress that is struggling to contain her again swollen bust. Wet spots stain two large areas of her chest.

STAN:  
Ten bucks says that your mom is going to take our clothes from us.

WENDY:  
Ew. That's...kind of a disturbing image.

KYLE:  
The sad part is that it's probably true.

KENNY:  
[Too bad it's not Ms. Cartman. She can take my clothes any day.]

STAN:  
Doesn't she have a penis, dude?

When KAREN tugs on KENNY's sleeve, he gets a worried expression on his face.

KAREN:  
Kenny, how can a woman have a penis?

KENNY:  
[Oh, uh...]

KYLE and WENDY laugh while STAN watches CLARABELLA fidget in her dress.

STAN:  
You okay, dude?

CLARABELLA:  
How can you people wear these things on your bodies?

STAN:  
*shrugs*  
I dunno. I never really thought about it.

KYLE and WENDY share a glance with raised eyebrows.

CLARABELLA:  
It's just so fucking restrictive and itchy!

STAN:  
You'll just have to get used to it, dude.

He grabs her by the hand and leads her inside.

STAN:  
C'mon. Let's find a table as far away from the stage as we can get.

He stops just inside the entrance and looks back.

STAN:  
*cont'd*  
You guys coming or what?

WENDY:  
You guys go ahead. I want to talk to Kyle...

She smiles seductively.

WENDY:  
*cont'd ...privately for a moment.

KENNY giggles and leads his sister inside. WENDY waits a moment before looking around and dragging KYLE away from the doorway.

KYLE:  
What?

WENDY:  
Kyle, I'm worried about Stan...

KYLE:  
What about him?

WENDY:  
I can't tell if he's making up conversations with that girl or if he genuinely understands her. I mean, all she says is "moo"!

KYLE:  
*shrugs*  
Well, I guess what she's saying can be inferred by her body language.

WENDY:  
True. I just...

KYLE:  
Dude, just don't think about it. I mean, if you stopped to make sense of half the crap that happens to us on a daily basis you'd go insane.

WENDY:  
Yeah, but-

KYLE:  
I've been to outer space. Multiple times. Even flew across the galaxy with an Ethernopian and moved him and his people to the planet Marklar where the people there refer to anything and everything as Marklar.

There is a pause.

WENDY:  
What?

KYLE:  
My point.

WENDY blinks in confusion.

WENDY:  
Wow. I thought Stan had made that up...

* * *

CUT TO INT. MARSH RESIDENCE - UPSTAIRS HALLWAY  
RANDY, with a paper under his arm, comes up the stairs and into the hallway. He stops short when he notices the door lying on the floor. He sniffs the air.

RANDY:  
Sharon?  
*pauses*  
Sharon?  
*pauses, yells*  
Sharon!

SHARON:  
*off screen, yelling, pissed*  
What, Randy?! I'm in the middle of making dinner!

RANDY:  
Were you breast-feeding a baby up here?

SHARON:  
*off screen, yelling*  
Don't be stupid, Randy!

RANDY:  
Oh. Well, I only ask 'cause it smells like curdled milk up here.

SHARON:  
*off screen, yelling, pissed*  
Nice try, but I'm not cleaning up your mess, mister!

RANDY:  
*pouting*  
Ugh! I didn't do it, Sharon! And I can't take a crap when it smells like milk!

SHARON:  
*off screen, yelling*  
You should've thought about that before making that mess! And don't even think about using my bathroom!

RANDY:  
*pouting*  
God dammit!

* * *

CUT TO INT. DENKIN'S BARN  
STAN and CLARABELLA are seated at a table near a makeshift stage. STAN, looking bored, rests his head in his hands. Clothing had indeed been confiscated.

STAN:  
Kyle owes me ten dollars.

CLARABELLA gingerly rubs her swollen breasts as her tail swishes back and forth.

CLARABELLA:  
So...this is a...dance?

A wide CAMERA shot shows the entire room filled with kids, yet no one is dancing. They're all sitting at tables or standing near them looking uncomfortable, bored, or both.

STAN:  
Supposed to be.

There is an awkward silence.

CLARABELLA:  
Can I ask you a question?

STAN:  
'kay...

CLARABELLA:  
Why did you come back for me?

STAN:  
I dunno.  
*pauses*  
I guess 'cause I felt a little sorry for you. You looked lonely in that glass cage.

CLARABELLA:  
*surprised*  
Really? Huh. And here I was led to believe that you'd kill me.

STAN:  
*raises an eyebrow*  
What?

From behind STAN, KENNY and an uncomfortable looking KAREN approach. KENNY stops them before they reach the table.

KAREN:  
*hushed*  
What's wrong, big brother?

KENNY holds up a hand to shush her and, in confusion, watches the other two converse.

CLARABELLA:  
Moo moo!

STAN:  
Who'd say something like that?

CLARABELLA:  
Moo moomoo moo! Moo moo moo moo moomoo moo.

STAN:  
That's all fine and well, but-

KENNY shrugs, leads his sister to the table, and waves a greeting.

STAN:  
Hey, Kenny. -why would they say crap like that about me?

CLARABELLA:  
It wasn't about you personally. It was only that the one outside time would lead us cows to our deaths.

STAN:  
The one outside time?

KENNY raises his eyebrows at this.

STAN:  
How do you even know that's me? What does that even mean, dude?

CLARABELLA:  
I don't know, but I know it's you. You have a different aura. You're...different from the others I've met today.

STAN:  
*confused*  
I am?

CLARABELLA:  
*nods*  
Not only that, but you just let me out with a "hey, let's go", no second glances, no second thoughts... You've been so nice...

She blushes.

CLARABELLA:  
*cont'd*  
I've never had anyone milk me before...

She kisses STAN on the cheek.

CLARABELLA:  
*cont'd*  
Thank you.

STAN:  
*puzzled*  
You're welcome?

KENNY:  
Now give her the tongue and squeeze her titties.

STAN:  
*shocked*  
Dude!

KAREN giggles at STAN's reaction. KYLE and WENDY suddenly appear and take seats across from STAN and KENNY.

KYLE:  
Well, that could have gone better.

STAN:  
What happened?

WENDY:  
Kyle's mom is a fucking bitch is what happened.

KYLE:  
Dude! She's still my mom!

WENDY:  
I'm sorry, Kyle, but she pissed me off.

STAN:  
*impatiently*  
What happened?

KYLE:  
*sighs*  
They got into an argument about clothing.

WENDY:  
And then she was all like-  
*imitates Sheila*  
-"Who do you think you are, little miss smartie-pants?"

KYLE:  
*rolls eyes*  
And then Wendy said-

WENDY:  
*pissed*  
"I'm your son's god damn girlfriend! That's who the fuck I am!"

KENNY:  
*surprised*  
Girlfriend?

KYLE:  
Yeah. Needless to say, that didn't go over too well. I'm going to be hearing all about it tomorrow.

STAN:  
That sucks, dude, but you knew full well getting into it what Wendy's like.  
*pauses*  
No offense, dude.

WENDY:  
It's okay. I know I have slight anger management issues.

She shrugs.

WENDY:  
*cont'd*  
I'm just surprised that your mom really was in on this whole naked bullshit. I thought it was a joke!

KYLE looks embarrassed.

KYLE:  
Dude, you weren't supposed to say anything!

WENDY realizes her mistake and covers her mouth.

STAN:  
Dude, you better pray that no one else finds out about that.

KYLE:  
I know. I'll get my ass kicked to next Tuesday.

KENNY laughs. Outside, CARTMAN, KEVIN, and MEPHESTO watch events unfold from a window.

MEPHESTO:  
It's just as I feared! She's producing milk at an exponential rate! We'll have to get her back to the ranch for milking as soon as possible!

CARTMAN:  
Fine, fine. Just don't forget about my...reward, good doctor.

MEPHESTO:  
I still don't understand why you specifically want her milk.

CARTMAN:  
*points to KEVIN*  
And I'm still tryin' to figure out what the hell that is, but you don't hear me bitching about it!

MEPHESTO:  
*pauses*  
Very well.

Back inside, as the group sits at their table with rather bored expressions a curly blonde haired boy approaches WENDY from behind. STAN notices him straight away and glares daggers. The boy pays STAN no mind and taps WENDY on the shoulder. She turns around in surprise and then promptly shirks back in slight revulsion.

WENDY:  
*surprised*  
Gregory?

GREGORY:  
Good evening to you, Wendy.

He takes her hand and kisses it it. WENDY clearly looks like she wants to be elsewhere at that moment. KYLE takes notice at this point and only raises an eyebrow, whether in confusion or irritation is up for interpretation. STAN continues to glare daggers.

GREGORY:  
Dare I say that it has been too long since I have laid eyes on your beauty?

WENDY:  
*fake laugh*  
Um, sure.

GREGORY:  
Come, Wendy! Let us wet our voices with drink and whisper our thoughts together on the stage of dance.

He attempts to pull her out of her seat, but fails when she yanks her arm free. At this point even KENNY, KAREN, and CLARABELLA are watching the scene with a form of interest.

WENDY:  
*irked*  
Actually, I'm fine, really.

GREGORY:  
Fair Wendy, I beg of you to reconsider.

WENDY:  
*irked*  
No, seriously, I'd like to spend time with my boyfriend and our friends.

GREGORY raises an eyebrow and looks to STAN just as CLARABELLA latches on to his arm.

GREGORY:  
*scoffs*  
Stanley Marsh. It would seem that you defile fair maidens twain with your...debauchery.

CLARABELLA:  
*puzzled*  
Moo?

STAN:  
*tersely*  
I dunno who "Dee Botchery" is, kid. Bark up some other tree.

GREGORY:  
I see. Well, then. Wendy, as your "boyfriend" seems to be enamored with another...

WENDY looks to KYLE with a pleading "help me" look.

GREGORY:  
I shall ask you again-

STAN:  
*tersely*  
Kyle, this should be your cue to do something about this asshole.

KYLE:  
*puzzled*  
What?

GREGORY:  
I do say there is no need for the language fowl, ruffian.

WENDY buries her face in her palm.

KENNY:  
Dude, he's trying to pick Wendy up right in front of you.

WENDY nods.

KYLE:  
Really? Because I can't understand what this asshole's saying with all the pretentious fancy talk.

GREGORY:  
*tersely*  
I beg your pardon?

KYLE:  
Seriously. All I hear come out of your mouth is "Blah, blah, blah. I'm an uptight asshole."

As KENNY snickers, GREGORY glares at KYLE with a set jaw.

WENDY:  
I'm sorry, Gregory. I'm not interested.

GREGORY:  
*insulted*  
You keep company with ruffians, fair Wendy. You clearly are worthy of so much more. Someday I hope you choose to join those of us with class. Until then, enjoy your destiny as another harlot.

He scoffs, turns on his heel, and walks away.

WENDY:  
Harlot?  
*pissed*  
Did he just call me a whore?!

STAN:  
God, I can't stand that kid.

KYLE:  
Who the hell is that kid and where did he come from?

STAN:  
He's that super political douche bag that tried stealing WENDY from me that time when your mom tried getting Terrance and Phillip banned.

WENDY nods.

KYLE:  
Which time?

STAN:  
I don't remember, actually, but, either way, I hope he gets run over by a bus.

WENDY:  
*sighs*  
I can't believe that I used to like that jerk.

KENNY:  
*raises his eyebrows*  
Ever kiss him?

WENDY:  
Ew! He looks like he has a hare-lip! Gross!

KENNY laughs as the band on stage starts playing a slow country dance number. STAN buries his face into his palm.

STAN:  
*deadpan*  
Always with the country music.

KYLE:  
*shrugs*  
Can't have eighties power ballads all the time, dude.

WENDY:  
I need to forget this incident happened.

She tugs on KYLE's hand.

WENDY:  
*cont'd*  
Dance with me, Kyle?

KYLE:  
Okay.

The two vacate the table.

KYLE:  
Just warning you, I'm not that great really.

WENDY:  
You're not arrogant or pretentious. That's all that matters to me.

KAREN stands and tugs on her brother's arm.

KAREN:  
C'mon, Kenny! You promised me!

KENNY:  
*laughs*  
Okay!

They vacate the table, leaving STAN to watch CLARABELLA rub her red and swollen bust.

STAN:  
You okay, dude?

CLARABELLA:  
No... It hurts.

STAN:  
Dude.

CLARABELLA:  
Can you help me again?

STAN:  
Right now?

She nods.

STAN:  
Oh, no. No, no, no. Not in front of everyone.

He stands and helps her up.

STAN:  
We'll go outside where it's-

MEPHESTO:  
*off screen*  
Quick, Kevin! Hit her with the tranquilizer dart!

The two turn around just as a large dart flies out of nowhere and strikes one of CLARABELLA's swollen breasts. It explodes into a bloody milky mess with such a force that she flies backwards and crashes into the band's drum kit, thereby halting the music.

KYLE:  
Holy shit, dude!

CLARABELLA, impaled on a cymbal stand, gives one last pleading look to STAN before going limp. STAN, covered in milk and gore, just stares absolutely horrified. Several kids start crying. CARTMAN runs up to the mess on stage, tosses a bowl of cereal to the floor, and falls to his knees.

CARTMAN:  
*crying*  
No! Nooooo! That was supposed to be my milk! Why have you taken it from me?! How will I eat my Lucky Charms now?! God dammit!

MEPHESTO comes up beside STAN.

MEPHESTO:  
It's probably for the better this way. She would have lived a hard life of being neither cow nor human, rejected by both. Accepted by none. I tried to play god and I failed.

STAN still stares at CLARABELLA, horrified.

MEPHESTO:  
All I can do now is work to save those cows that are still alive.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. BUS STOP - DAY  
KYLE, CARTMAN, and KENNY, in their normal attire, are playing with trucks.

KYLE:  
I'm so glad that whole retarded naked thing is over with.

KENNY:  
[At least we got some good spank material out of it.]

KYLE:  
Who would we be spanking?

KENNY laughs.

CARTMAN:  
I can die a happy man knowing that I managed to beat your bitch girlfriend in a snowball fight AND got an embarrassing photo of the both of you!

He laughs.

KYLE:  
You just got lucky.

CARTMAN:  
Also, you ate my pee.

KYLE:  
*flatly*  
Don't remind me.

STAN approaches with his hands in his pockets.

STAN:  
Hey.

KYLE:  
Hey, dude.

STAN:  
Kyle, you got a second?

KYLE:  
Sure.

KYLE gets up and walks away with STAN. KENNY looks at CARTMAN.

CARTMAN:  
What?

KENNY doesn't break the stare.

CARTMAN:  
Oh, no. I'm not fallin' for that. It's not my fault that little monkey can't aim for shit.

KENNY slowly shakes his head.

CARTMAN:  
I'm seriously, Kenny!

Meanwhile, STAN has led KYLE out of earshot from the other two.

KYLE:  
You alright, dude?

STAN:  
I just can't stop thinking about what she said to me, Kyle.

KYLE:  
What about?

STAN:  
She called me "the one outside time".

KYLE raises his eyebrows in shock.

KYLE:  
"The one outside time?"

STAN:  
Yeah, and that I'd lead all cows to their deaths.

KYLE:  
But you haven't killed any cows.

STAN:  
But she was near me when she died.

KYLE:  
Yeah, but you can't take the blame for that, dude.

STAN:  
Dude, cows have been exploding every day for several weeks now. What if I'm somehow responsible?

KYLE:  
You're not responsible for killing cows, so don't even think that you are.

STAN:  
Yeah, but...

KYLE:  
Dude, stop it. Just stop it. How does your existence make them explode anyway?

There is an awkward silence.

STAN:  
Yeah, you're right. It is kind of stupid now that I think about it...

KYLE:  
See? C'mon, dude. Let's go get some root beer and fifty cent wings at Raisins.

CARTMAN:  
*off screen, shouting*  
Oh, hell yeah! Fifty cent wings! Even you can afford that, Kenny!

There is a thud.

CARTMAN:  
*off screen*  
Ow! God dammit, you poor piece of crap!

STAN smiles sadly at KYLE and nods before walking off towards the others. KYLE, on the other hand, adopts a puzzled expression.

KYLE:  
*hushed*  
"The one outside time?" I wonder if that has anything to do...with our...

He shakes his head.

KYLE:  
*cont'd*  
Nah. Can't be. It's just a coincidence.

CARTMAN:  
*off screen*  
C'mon, Jew! Or we're leaving you here!

KYLE runs off.

KYLE:  
And let you eat all the wings? Think again, fat ass!


	11. You've Got an Explosion in Me

**_Chapter Eleven_**  
 ** _You've Got an Explosion in Me_**

* * *

Stan Marsh was perched on a rock in the middle of a field on Old Denkins' farm. The blank expression on his face was definitely one of thought. Single-handedly, and without looking, he pulled a match from his coat pocket, struck it alight on his granite seat, and tossed it on a nearby cow patty. The resulting small explosion of fire caused a tiny smirk to form in a corner of his mouth for the briefest of seconds. With nothing better to do on a Monday afternoon, getting away from loud noises and loud people to collect his thoughts seemed like a good idea. The other alternative, Battletoads at Cartman's, did not.[1]

Stan pulled out another match, lit it, tossed it, and watched it crash and burn. Normally, lighting cow shit on fire brought him great amusement, but today he was just going through the motions. The reason being started three days ago at the grisly abomination that had been the Valentine's Dance. Up until the moment he watched Clarabella the genetically altered cow/human hybrid get violently impaled dead by a musical instrument[2], the only thing in life that really bothered him had been his break-up with Wendy. And even then, the cowgirl's death wasn't even what was on his mind at the moment. It was more what she had said to him not moments before she died.

"The one outside time..." he muttered to himself. What was that even supposed to mean? Was it because he refused to wear the watch his Aunt Flo had given him a few years ago? And what had she meant by telling him that all bovine kind regarded him as the harbinger of their destruction? Actually, what was a harbinger and why did it unnerve him? He reached into his pocket again only to discover that his matches, like his answers, were not available. He balanced his elbows on his knees and rested his chin in his hands. Despite the fact that it was silly being told that cows knew who he was- Well, his aura, anyway. -and that it was impossible for his mere existence to cause them to explode in gooey milky messes, he still found himself feeling guilty for it all. What if it was him? What if he had some kind of super power that caused cows to explode on his very whim? They could call him...The Milk Bomber, the Aqua Man of the South Park Justice League. He shook his head to clear his thoughts. The whole thing was utterly stupid, yet he still couldn't shake the feeling.

"Why doo yoo light excrement on fire, young one?" came a deep, almost feminine voice from behind him. It was almost soothing, as if the voice alone could take away all of life's problems. He doubted this person could.

Stan failed to look at the assumed female speaker behind him and continued on with his thinking pose. He just could not be bothered to turn his head. "I dunno," he suggested flatly, "Normally it makes me laugh, but..."

"Something troubling yoo?" The way this lady talked almost sounded familiar, but Stan couldn't figure out why. Well, in actuality, his subconscious was as clueless as a Neanderthal in a computer lab. His consciousness, on the other hand, was too busy fixating on Clarabella's puzzle and had zero progress to show for it. You could say he was getting nowhere at turtle speed.

Stan was silent as he eyed the distant horizon between the horizontal boards of a distant fence. Somewhere out there was his answer. He knew it. It was just a matter of finding it or, with his luck, having it fall in his lap ten years later after he had forgotten all about it and moved on with his life. "I met this girl the other day," he began, "She said something to me that I'm having trouble understanding." His face scrunched up into a frown as he tried not to remember the gruesome scene from the other night. He sighed, "I came out here to see if I could figure it out."

"Have yoo come to any concloosions?" the voice cooed in his ear.

Again Stan was silent for a moment. "No," he finally ventured with. His brain kept distracting him with the look that had been on Clarabella's face the moment it happened. It had been one of excruciating pain and suffering pleading for help, whether to remain alive or for a faster death he couldn't be sure. He did know that she'd still be alive if he hadn't busted her out of Mephesto's lab. For that reason is probably why he felt that there had been a touch of betrayal there as well. The fact that he hadn't been the one who had dealt the killing blow never dawned on him.

"If yoo don't mind my asking," inquired the faceless voice, "what did yoor new friend say too yoo?" In all honesty, he wasn't sure if he wanted to tell anyone other than Kyle what had been said. It had sounded silly, stupid even, when the words had left his lips that he'd bring the end of cow kind, but still it troubled him for some reason. It was almost as if he knew it was true, but it couldn't be, right? Still, it wouldn't hurt to get an outside opinion in on this. It could be something simple like the earlier idea that he never wore a watch. Or, alternatively, maybe he was the carrier of some strange form of cow flu that caused them to explode in an ooey-gooey mess. The world would never know.

"She said that I'm outside time and that I'm causing cows to explode." An exaggerated frown dropped in on Stan's face. "I just wish I knew what it meant and how..."

The voice hmmed a few times before speaking. "That is quite an accoosation. Oone as yoong as yoorself shoold be playing not contemplating the inner workings of the uooniverse."

"But I'm not thinking about how the universe works." At this point, Stan had turned to, for the first time, look at his dialogue partner. "I'm trying to-" Instead he found himself face to face with a cud chewing cow. Needless to say, he immediately forgot what he was saying in the confusion. "Oh, very funny, asshole." He whipped his head around to look for any hidden persons, but there was nowhere for anyone to hide except perhaps behind the cow, which shook its head and continued chewing its cud. Stan slouched with a pout even further into his rock.

"Oone day yoo'll discover the answer too that puzzle, yoong oone."

Again, Stan looked around to find the source of the voice. Finding no one, yet again, he balanced his arms on his knees and rested his chin there. "I'd like to know the answer now," he muttered with a furrowed brow.

"In all doo time. At any rate, yoong oone, yoo shoold stop pondering on what might be and instead foocus on moore important things, like what is."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean, dude?"

"It means exactly what it means," came an unhelpful and strained reply. Stan turned around to find that there was, again, no one around. Only the familiar sight of the cow he had seen not moments before. Except... Was the cow's udder bigger? He sighed and rested his head on a hand which was burying its elbow into his knee.

"Vague statements don't really help me," he murmured apparently to himself. After a few moments of hearing nothing but the wind and some jackass in the distance laying his car horn on thick, he jumped when a voice seemed to speak directly inside his ear.

"If it's any consoolation, yoong oone," it said with a slight uncomfortable tinge to its tone, "we cows doo not hate oor fear yoo." Stan's eyes widened in surprise. If he had been conversing with a cow this entire time, then that certainly would explain why the manner of speech seemed familiar to him. Clarabella had a similar way of speaking before her magic titty milk made communication easier. "Yoo, like us, simply are." Stan whirled around to again find only the cow, which seemed to be slightly distressed at the size of its now purple udder. "However, the winds oov change and time howl fiercely about yoo." The voice, to Stan anyway, seemed to grunt in pain. "Foor better oor woorse, things have changed and soon will change again."

"Um, that's great and all," Stan began as he warily eyed the purple bag of milk, "But you're turning-"

The cow quickly cut him off with a moo. "Yoo- Yoo have noo choice but too be at the center oov it all. Be stroong." Before Stan could respond, the cow exploded with a wet organic pop that sent milk and beefy gore in all directions.

A few cows in the distance mooed mournfully as Stan attempted to wipe his eyes free of chunky milk blood. He spat his mouth clear and stared at the remains of what once was a cow before huffing back on to his rock. What started out as a peaceful thought gathering outing had ended in bloodshed and even more confusion than what he began with. He folded his arms across his knees and angrily rested his chin there. His parents were going to kill him for the mess. He sighed in exasperation and murmured the words "God dammit," to no one in particular. This definitely had been the worst Valentine's week ever.

* * *

[1] The boys had tried that very activity a few weeks ago. The only thing that they accomplished were several hours of killing each other. They only made it to Level 2 – The Wookie Hole before it ended with an all-out real life brawl complete with bruises, a broken Nintendo controller, and Cartman in tears.

[2] And thus the children of South Park learned on that day that bad music really does kill.


	12. A Hard Day's Night of the Living Dead

_**Notes:**_ There is a chapter that is supposed to take place before this one, titled "Paranormal Elementary." In it, strange things happen at South Park Elementary. Kids see strange events and hear strange voices.

Cartman is initially fingered by school staff as the culprit until Stan suggests that the paranormal is at work. Throughout the story, people randomly react to Stan as if he is a ghost, even if they had previously acknowledged his presence or were in the middle of a conversation with him. Cartman and Wendy disappear and reappear at random intervals with nobody noticing but Stan. Eventually, a fairy ring is discovered in the boiler room. They try various tactics to close it, from lawn care products to Cartman farting on it. It takes dancing to Irish Celtic music to close it.

There also would have been a subplot involving Randy and St. Patrick's Day that would have led to the resolution of the main story. (I never got that far in the plotting of this one.)

This unwritten chapter also would have led into the events of the episode "The Return of Chef", which serves as the basis for the current chapter.

* * *

 ** _Chapter Twelve_**  
 ** _A Hard Day's Night of the Living Dead_**

* * *

FADE IN EXT. A LONG AND WINDING WOODED ROAD - NIGHT  
Rain falls quietly among the snow covered conifer trees as a slight breeze causes the branches of said trees to sway back and forth in a dance unheard to human ears. A church bell echoes forlornly in the distance. The sound of a pine cone falling ungracefully to the ground is marred by the scraping sounds of shoes quickly running on wet pavement. Panicked breathing can be heard before overcome by the church bell ringing once more.

Flashbacks, marked with italics, occur during this scene.

 _DR. DOCTOR emerges from the emergency room with a forlorn expression. He looks to the CAMERA._

 _DR. DOCTOR:_  
 _*echoes*_  
 _I'm sorry... I'm afraid-_

The church bell rings again.

 _DR. DOCTOR:_  
 _*cont'd, echoes*_  
 _-just couldn't pull through. It..._

 _He tears up._

 _DR. DOCTOR:_  
 _*cont'd, echoes*_  
 _It's rather unfortunate, but I'm afraid the damage done was just too much for modern medical science._

 _When the sounds of young children crying are heard, the doctor tries to smile comfortingly._

 _DR. DOCTOR:_  
 _*cont'd, echoes*_  
 _If it's any consolation, at least-_

The church bell rings once again.

 _DR. DOCTOR:_  
 _*cont'd echoes*_  
 _-wasn't alive to bear the shame of shitting himself._

A close-up on the pavement reveals ebony children's snow boots hitting the dark asphalt in quick succession. Lightning flashes briefly, illuminating the blurred background for but a mere few moments, and is soon answered by rolling thunder.

 _STAN:_  
 _*voice over, echoes, crying*_  
 _Buh-but he was my fuh-fuh-friend!_

 _In the town square, all of South Park showed up for this funeral. KYLE is standing at the podium, apparently giving a eulogy. The church bell sorrowfully rings again. ELTON JOHN is moved by what KYLE is soundlessly saying and wipes away his tears with a handkerchief._

 _STAN:_  
 _*voice over, echoes, sadly*_  
 _Dude... How are we gonna go on?_

A bear's roar morphs into rumbling thunder. The running boy slips on a patch of ice and hits the ground as the church bell rings out again. Quick as greased lightning he's back on his feet and running; his labored breathing becoming more erratic and panicked.

 _STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN, and KENNY sadly pay their respects at a grave stone where a shiny stainless steel spatula rests. STAN, obviously not taking things well, abruptly turns and walks away._

 _STAN:_  
 _*echoes, crying*_  
 _I- I can't do this anymore._

 _KYLE:_  
 _*echoes*_  
 _Dude, where're you going?_

 _He walks off after STAN._

 _KYLE:_  
 _*cont'd, echoes, off screen*_  
 _Dude!_  
 _*pauses*_  
 _Dude!_

 _CARTMAN sighs heavily and looks to KENNY._

 _CARTMAN:_  
 _*echoes*_  
 _C'mon, Kinny. Let's go._

The scene fades to black.

 _CARTMAN:_  
 _*cont'd, echoes*_  
 _There's nothing more we can do here._

Snapping back to the forest, reveals the owner of the boots screaming in distress and/or frustration. The CAMERA pulls back, revealing STAN running like his life depended on it. With his hat having been lost at some point, his hair is free to soak in the rain water and mat to parts of his head. He sends water droplets flying in all directions when he fearfully looks over shoulder. The church bell rings again, almost as a final warning.

STAN:  
*panicked*  
This isn't happening!

He ducks under a low hanging branch in the path. When he rights himself he continues his breakneck speed.

STAN:  
*cont'd, screaming*  
This isn't happening!

The church bell rings ominously one final time as STAN attempts to pull his hair out while running.

STAN:  
*cont'd, screaming*  
THIS ISN'T HAPPENING!

STAN's scream reverberates and morphs-

* * *

FADE IN INT. MARSH RESIDENCE - STAN's ROOM - DARK AND STORMY NIGHT  
-into the dull roar of rain as the CAMERA pans along the length of the bed. Although the room is dark, enough light filters in through the window to illuminate STAN's tearful face. Half of it is buried into his pillow as he soullessly watches rain pelt his window. His eyes are hollow, empty looking, and blood-shot.

CAPTION:  
Several days earlier...

When a knock comes from the door STAN does not acknowledge; not even a rolling of his eyes, a flinch, or a change in his breathing patterns.

RANDY:  
*off screen, timidly*  
Stan?

STAN:  
*hoarsely*  
Go away...

Despite the order, the door opens enough for RANDY to poke his head into the room and give a sad and empty smile.

RANDY:  
*timidly*  
Hey, champ, someone's here to see you.

STAN:  
*hoarsely*  
Tell them to go away. I don't want to see anybody.

RANDY's smile turns to a frown before nodding and soundlessly closing the door. As STAN continues watching the rain pelt his window, tears collect in the corners of his eyes. In the living room, RANDY descends the stairs and meets a soaked KYLE at the bottom.

RANDY:  
Sorry, Kyle. He's...not budging.

KYLE:  
*nods*  
It's okay. I'll come back later.

As KYLE makes to exit the house, he hesitates before turning back to the adult with a plastic smile.

KYLE:  
Mr. Marsh? Could you at least tell him that his friends miss him?

* * *

CUT TO EXT. MAIN STREET - DUSK  
As STAN slowly walks down the street, hands in his pockets, rain continues to fall as if Mother Nature was grieving alongside him. Most of the townspeople out and about coldly ignore him. He passes by BUTTERS and DOUGIE near the Post Office-

BUTTERS:  
*cheerfully*  
Wuh-well, hiya, Stan!

-and coldly ignores them in the process.

DOUGIE:  
I wonder what's up his ass?

BUTTERS:  
Suh-see, I'm not too sure, Dougie. Whuh-why, Stan was his ol' happy self last week, then suh-someone dies and now he's goin' all goth again. Makes me mad as heck, I tells ya.

Not too far away, STAN bumps into KYLE. Unlike his meeting with BUTTERS, he stops to speak with his friend.

KYLE:  
*concerned*  
Stan...

STAN:  
*hoarse whisper*  
Dude... He's gone...

KYLE soothingly pats STAN on the shoulder.

KYLE:  
*softly*  
I know, dude. I know...

STAN:  
*hoarse whisper*  
I- I feel like a part of me has guh-gone away to never return.

KYLE:  
*softly*  
I know, dude. It's hard, but...

The two friends stare at each other, one looking sad and the other on the verge of tears.

KYLE:  
*softly*  
Think of it like this: life is like the line graph we learned about last week. It has ups, downs, plateaus, a beginning, and an end. Some things we just have no control over; the death of someone we know, care about, or...ourselves even. How that affects our line of life, our life graph, whether it going downhill or straight ahead is entirely up to us.

Tears fall from STAN's eyes as he nods. He says nothing as he continues on his way, leaving KYLE watching him in concern.

KYLE:  
*calling*  
Dude! You okay?

STAN's only response is to walk completely off screen left.

KYLE:  
*calling*  
We're your friends, Stan! Talk to us for God's sake!

BUTTERS and DOUGIE, who had been watching the entire scene, come up beside KYLE.

BUTTERS:  
*concerned*  
Ih-is Stan gonna be okay, Kyle?

KYLE:  
*sighs and slumps shoulders*  
I don't know, Butters. I just wish he'd listen to me.

DOUGIE:  
What makes you think your advice is sound?

KYLE:  
I've been in his position before...  
*pauses*  
I think.

BUTTERS:  
"You think?"

KYLE:  
*frowns*  
It's...a long story.

BUTTERS:  
Oh, boy! I like stories!

KYLE:  
*flatly*  
-one I'm not willing to share.

BUTTERS:  
*disappointed*  
Aw, hamburgers...

* * *

CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK CEMETERY  
The rain may have stopped, but the cloudy skies still remain and threaten downpour at any moment. STAN sighs as he drags his feet along the cobblestone path. He passes by several stone markers, one interestingly without a name, and stops in front of one freshly dug. He is silent for several moments, with his hands in his pockets, until his face contorts from the sadness. The epitaph on the stone tablet reads "Jerome "Chef" McElroy – He's making buttered noodles and green bean casserole for the angels now." A stainless steel spatula rests against the stone.

STAN:  
*sadly*  
It's been a couple of days, but... It feels... It feels like it's been an eternity.

He stuffs his hands into his coat pockets.

STAN:  
*sadly*  
I wish...you'd come back, Chef.

CHEF:  
*off screen*  
Don't be sad, children.

STAN looks up in shock to find CHEF standing beside him.

STAN:  
*shocked*  
Shuh-Chef? What- How?

CHEF:  
Don't worry, Stan. I'm here to make sure you're okay.

STAN:  
*choking*  
Buh-but I saw you...with my own eyes-

CHEF:  
*laughs*  
Don't cry, children! You said goodbye, right?

 _The boys and CHEF quickly cross the rickety rope bridge. Before CHEF can make it across, the bridge collapses. The panicked boys watch in horror as CHEF falls and is impaled on a-_

 _STAN:_  
 _*yelling*_  
 _CHEF!_

STAN:  
*sadly*  
No...

CHEF:  
*frowns*  
Aw, hell! I'm sorry, son.  
*pauses*  
Look... At the end of the day all that matters is that he's no longer suffering.

STAN:  
*sadly*  
I know, but...it...still hurts. I feel like...an empty shell.

CHEF:  
Be strong, children! It's the only way you're going make it through this.

STAN slowly nods, yet continues hanging his head.

STAN:  
*sadly*  
Chef...? Can you sing me a song?

WENDY:  
*off screen, surprised*  
Stan? Are you okay?

STAN again nods as WENDY comes up beside him. She comfortingly puts an arm across his shoulder.

WENDY:  
Can I ask you a question?

STAN nods and sniffles.

WENDY:  
Who were you talking to?

STAN looks up and discovers that he and WENDY are alone.

STAN:  
*confused*  
Chef?

He notices WENDY's concerned expression.

STAN:  
*panicked*  
But- He was right here!

WENDY frowns as she nods and takes STAN by the hand to lead him away.

WENDY:  
C'mon, Stan. Let's get you home.

STAN:  
*panicked*  
But Wendy-

* * *

CUT TO INT. CARTMAN RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM  
CARTMAN and KYLE are on the couch with game controllers in their hands. KENNY watches the game from the floor. The two furiously mash buttons until a game over sound is heard, which prompts all thee to groan in frustration.

CARTMAN:  
God dammit, Jew! Stop sucking dick!

KYLE:  
I'm not sucking anything, asshole!

CARTMAN:  
Really? Well-

He laughs derisively.

CARTMAN:  
*cont'd*  
-I think that the last ten online matches we've lost because of you say otherwise.

KYLE:  
*pissed*  
Oh, alright, fine! I can't concentrate because I'm pissed off!

CARTMAN:  
*rolls eyes*  
Oh, for god's sake!  
*pissed*  
When we play Generic Game Company Mascot Kart we check our fucking baggage at the fucking door!

KYLE:  
*pissed*  
So you mean to tell me that you're not concerned about Stan in the slightest?

CARTMAN opens his mouth to speak, but quickly shuts it.

CARTMAN:  
No.

KYLE:  
I saw him in town today.

CARTMAN:  
Holy crap! That asshole actually left his house?

CARTMAN snorts.

CARTMAN:  
*cont'd*  
There's a shock.

KYLE:  
*annoyed*  
Yeah.

CARTMAN:  
Well? Is he coming for some serious Generic Game Company Mascot Kart time or is he gonna be a fag about it?

KYLE:  
*annoyed*  
For Christ's sake! Show a little compassion for once in your life, asshole!

CARTMAN pinches the bridge of his nose as he sighs.

CARTMAN:  
*firmly*  
Kahl, Stan needs to pull his head outta his ass. Seriously, he's goin' around and actin' like he's the only god damn asshole sad about Chef dying.

CARTMAN shakes fist in anger.

CARTMAN:  
*cont'd*  
It pisses me the fuck off!

When KENNY nods in agreement, KYLE sighs in defeat and nods as well.

KYLE:  
*frowns*  
I hate to admit this, fat ass, but I actually agree with you.

CARTMAN excitedly puts a hand to his ear.

CARTMAN:  
I'm sorry. What was that?

KYLE:  
*flatly*  
I said I agree with you.

CARTMAN:  
*grins evilly*  
I'm sorry. I still didn't catch that, Kahl.

KYLE:  
*pissed*  
You know damn well what I said.

CARTMAN:  
Seriously, Kahl. I didn't hear you. One more time. Loudly if you could, please.

KYLE:  
*shouting*  
I said I fucking agree with you, fat ass!

CARTMAN laughs.

CARTMAN:  
Actually, I heard you the first time. I just wanted to hear that sweet music to my ears again and again.

KYLE:  
*flatly*  
You are seriously screwed in the head.

KENNY:  
[Is Stan coming by?]

KYLE:  
I doubt it. I tried talking to him on the street. He completely ignored Butters and flogged me off when I tried talking him out of it.

CARTMAN:  
*mutters*  
Who doesn't want to ignore Butters?

KENNY:  
[And you let him go by himself?]

KYLE:  
What choice did I have? Honestly, guys, we can't help him if he doesn't want to be helped.

CARTMAN:  
*nonchalantly*  
Well, then maybe we should help him along in the other direction.

There is a stunned silence.

KYLE:  
*slowly*  
You mean...suicide?

CARTMAN:  
Why the hell not? If he wants to act like a faggy goth kid we should help him get there.

KYLE punches CARTMAN, which causes the fat kid to reel back and wince in pain.

KYLE:  
*pissed*  
You're a fucking dick.

KYLE jumps off the couch, storms to the door, and slams it as he exits. CARTMAN gingerly rubs his arm where he was hit and, with welling tears in his eyes, looks to KENNY. The hooded boy sighs and shakes his head.

CARTMAN:  
*sobbing*  
He punched me! He punched meeeeee!  
*screams*  
MOOOOOOM!

* * *

CUT TO INT. MARSH RESIDENCE - STAN'S ROOM - NIGHT  
STAN is lying on his bed in a fetal position; a look of absolute fright covers his face.

STAN:  
*softly*  
I saw Chef... Was it a ghost? Was it real?

He closes his eyes as tears collect in their corners.

STAN:  
*softly*  
I wish I could talk to Chef about this... I need a song to help me understand.

* * *

CUT TO INT. BROFLOVSKI RESIDENCE - KYLE'S ROOM - NIGHT  
KYLE and WENDY are sitting on the floor with piles of books surrounding them. He eventually sighs and closes his book loudly enough to startle her.

WENDY:  
*concerned*  
You okay?

KYLE:  
Yeah, I'm just... I'm just having a hard time concentrating.

WENDY:  
Why?

KYLE:  
We've been looking for answers for, like, three months now. If there was any lit-chure anywhere on what we've been experiencing in our dreams we would have found it by now.

WENDY:  
It is a bit frustrating. The only rev-el-lant thing I've found is on past lives, but we can't have past lives if we're remembering the future.

KYLE:  
Well, it's possible if time flowed in an endless loop. I think...

KYLE slumps forward and stares at the floor between his legs.

KYLE:  
I'm sorry, Wendy. I can't think straight with this crap with Stan going around my head.

WENDY's lips conform to a tight straight line as she closes her book and sets it aside.

WENDY:  
Take off your coat.

KYLE:  
*raises an eyebrow*  
What?

WENDY:  
Just do it.

As he does as requested, she scoots herself around on the floor until she's sitting behind him. She grips his shoulders and begins massaging them.

WENDY:  
Good lord, Kyle! You're tense!

KYLE:  
Wendy? What are you doing?

WENDY abruptly stops what she had been doing and recoils back.

WENDY:  
*stammers*  
I, um, I'm sorry! I...thought it would help?

KYLE:  
I didn't say "stop". I was just curious.

WENDY:  
Oh. Okay!

She resumes her task as KYLE closes his eyes and leans back.

WENDY:  
It's a massage. I had a dream about it.

KYLE:  
A dream?

WENDY:  
Yeah. We were in here...as adults. You were upset about something and I started doing this.

She leans in close to his ear with a sly smile.

WENDY:  
*whispers*  
You were no longer upset afterwards.

KYLE:  
*nods*  
I can see why. Where'd you learn how to do this?

WENDY:  
*pauses, whispers*  
My dream.

KYLE:  
Well, where'd future/dream you learn this?

WENDY:  
Um... I'm not sure, actually.

KYLE:  
Huh.

WENDY:  
Huh.

There is a moment of silence.

WENDY:  
So...you want to talk about it?

KYLE:  
About who taught the older you about massages?

WENDY:  
No. What's bothering you, artard.

KYLE stews for moment before sighing.

KYLE:  
Between what we've got going on with our memories and dreams, Stan acting like a drama queen, and fat ass...  
*pauses*  
...being fat ass I'm ready to pull my hair out.

WENDY:  
I wouldn't hate on Stan, Kyle. I honestly think there is something wrong with him.

KYLE:  
What makes you say that?

WENDY:  
*uncertainly*  
He was acting strangely at the graveyard.

KYLE raises an eyebrow, pulls away from WENDY's hands, and turns to regard her.

KYLE:  
What were you doing there?

WENDY:  
Well, I didn't want the poor soul with the unmarked grave to be lonely!

KYLE:  
*nods*  
Okay... So how was he-

Suddenly KYLE bolts into a standing position and startles WENDY in the process.

KYLE:  
I've got it!

WENDY:  
What?

KYLE:  
What if...we're stuck a time loop and are reliving our lives over and over again with some memory of the previous loop?

WENDY:  
That makes no sense.

KYLE:  
Sure it does! Star Trek: The Next Generation did it! Episode five eighteen; "Cause and Effect".

WENDY:  
Good for them. Can you explain your theory?

KYLE:  
Okay, so we live our lives as normal for awhile, time loops back from a certain point in the future to a certain point in the past, and we do it all over again! But because we remember various things from the previous loop every next loop turns out slightly different!

WENDY:  
Okay. Let's say that's what it is. Why?

KYLE:  
*pauses*  
I...don't know.

WENDY:  
Huh. Intriguing.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. BUS STOP - MORNING  
KYLE and WENDY approach CARTMAN and KENNY, both of whom are waiting for the bus.

KYLE:  
Hey, guys.

KENNY waves in response while CARTMAN frowns with a grunt and folds his arms across his chest.

CARTMAN:  
Jew.  
*to WENDY*  
Don't you have your own bus stop, hippie?

WENDY:  
Seems kind of pointless to go all the way back home to catch the bus when I spent the night here, fat ass.

CARTMAN:  
Get yer bitch under control, Jew.

WENDY:  
Hey!

CARTMAN:  
This be man country.

KYLE:  
*sighs*  
Get over yourself, jiggle master. Where's Stan?

KENNY shrugs.

CARTMAN:  
*frowns*  
Haven't seen him. Maybe he's off cutting himself somewhere.

KYLE opens his mouth to make a retort, but stops short when STAN shuffles up to the group like a mindless zombie. He takes a moment to smile weakly at the group before returning to staring at the ground in sadness. Before anything else can be said or done the bus arrives. KYLE again opens his mouth to speak, sighs and shakes his head instead, and then boards the vehicle.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK PUBLIC LIBRARY - MORNING  
MR. GARRISON is addressing his class inside the foyer.

MR. GARRISON:  
Okay, class! So here we are at the library. Now, I'm sure you retards have been here enough times to know what goes on here.

CLYDE raises his hand.

MR. GARRISON:  
Put your hand down, Clyde! I'm not answering any more of your retard questions.

Disappointed, CLYDE lowers his hand.

MR. GARRISON:  
Right, so I want each of you to go off and do research on the history report I gave you.

CLYDE raises his hand again.

MR. GARRISON:  
*sighs and rolls eyes*  
For those of you stupid enough to forget, I want to know how Abraham Lincoln's involvement with a secret order of vampire hunters turned the tide of the Civil War with emphasis on how things could have turned out different if the vampire slavers in the deep south had managed to turn him after he took the Oval Office.

CLYDE goes to lower his hand, but promptly raises it to its full height.

MR. GARRISON:  
Civil War era vampires didn't sparkle in the sun nor were they pansy ass fags who fought over some bimbo who runs like a drunken whore! For God's sake! You asked me that yesterday, noodle noggin!

CLYDE:  
*lowers his hand*  
Oh...

MR. GARRISON gestures to the door behind him.

MR. GARRISON:  
Well, get to it, monkeys!

* * *

CUT TO INT. SOUTH PARK PUBLIC LIBRARY  
Some time later, STAN is forlornly sitting alone at a table. The open book in front of him is barely captivating his interest. He looks up briefly and visually observes his classmates. KYLE and WENDY are pouring over a massive pile of books. CARTMAN and KENNY are also working as a team, although it is quite obvious that KENNY is doing a majority of the work. MR. GARRISON is at the front of the large room attempting and failing to pickup the male librarian behind the counter.

MR. GARRISON:  
*faintly*  
So... You like kids? All these little brats are mine.

STAN sighs and buries his head in his arms.

MR. GARRISON:  
*faintly*  
Oh, the silent type, are we? That so turns me on.

STAN suddenly sits up in surprise when he hears-

CHEF:  
*off screen*  
Hello there, children!

He looks around and finds CHEF standing on the opposite corner of the large square clearing of the room.

MR. GARRISON:  
*faintly, slyly*  
So, what'd'ya say we go into that office over there and...have a peek at the glistening rock hard athlete in my Sports Illustrated?

Jumping to his feet, STAN rushes over to where CHEF had been seen. On arrival he finds no one.

STAN:  
*hushed*  
Chef?

CHEF:  
*off screen*  
Over here, children!

STAN peeks around the wall of books to find CHEF standing near a dark corridor of books. After arriving, it almost seems as if the darkness is suffocating the light out of existence.

STAN:  
*hushed*  
Chef!

CHEF:  
How's my little cracker today?

STAN:  
*hushed*  
Where were you? I- I've been wanting to talk to you! I think I'm going crazy...

CHEF:  
Well, you are going crazy, Stan. Chef's dead.

STAN:  
*shocked*  
What?!  
*hushed*  
Wha- What do you mean? Why are you talking about you like you're not you?

CHEF:  
*sadly*  
You need to stop fighting reality, children. Keep it up and it'll bite you on the ass.

STAN:  
*hushed*  
But I-

CHEF:  
Fudge it, boy! I'm not Chef! I'm a figment of your imagination! I'm the rational part of your mind trying to break through to the fudged up part! ...or some kinda hoobajoob like that.

CHEF suddenly disappears leaving STAN to hang his head in sadness.

CHEF:  
*off screen*  
If you keep goin' this way, children, it'll lead you to ruin and heartache. You'll always have your memories of Chef, Stan, but for your sake and his just fudge it all and let it go.

STAN sighs with a hitch and slowly sinks to the floor as tears well in his eyes.

STAN:  
*tearfully*  
I want to, but- But it's just so hard...

A few tables away, BUTTERS sees STAN break down. He gets up out of his chair, slowly closes the distance, and gives the crying boy a hug.

BUTTERS:  
Whuh-why, I know you're grieving, Stan, buh-but- Shucks! -you hafta remember the good stuff in life. Y'know?

STAN wipes a few stray tears from his eyes and nods.

STAN:  
*hoarsely*  
I know, Butters. I- I guess I just told myself that.

BUTTERS:  
*frowns*  
Whuh-well, just don't let Eric see you tellin' yerself off! 'Kuh-cause I'd be awfully sore to see you get puh-picked on for talkin' to yourself! He's a no-good something something!

STAN:  
*flatly*  
Yeah. I know what he's like, Butters.

BUTTERS:  
Oh, yeah. I forget that sometimes.

STAN:  
Look. I appreciate the concern, dude, but-

He points down the dark corridor of books.

STAN:  
*cont'd*  
-I need to find another book for my report.

BUTTERS:  
*raises an eyebrow*  
In the occult section?

STAN:  
That's what vampires are, right?

BUTTERS:  
Oh, whuh-well, I didn't think of that.

When STAN attempts to walk away, BUTTERS follows.

STAN:  
Butters, what the hell are you doing?

BUTTERS:  
Whuh-well, you're my friend, Stan, and, buh-by golly, I'm gonna make sure you're okay!

STAN:  
*flatly*  
I'm fine now, Butters.

BUTTERS:  
Nuh-no. I'm kuh-keepin' my eye on you.

STAN:  
*sighs*  
Fine, but do it from the table. I need some time on my own.

BUTTERS:  
Oh-okay! Don't worry, Stan! I'll be watching so if you fuh-feel sad I'll be there to cheer you up!

STAN:  
*frowns*  
Great.

When BUTTERS runs off, STAN slumps his shoulders and bangs his head on a shelf in the nearby bookcase. After a very quick moment, a yellow and black book from higher up falls right on STAN's head, knocking him to the floor with a cry of surprise and alarm. He picks himself up with a curse and looks at the offending book.

STAN:  
*mutters*  
"The Black Art of Resurrection For Dummies"...?

He looks at the book confused for a moment before looking around at his surroundings.

STAN:  
*low*  
Whoa, dude. Déjà vu...

* * *

CUT TO EXT. BUS STOP - DAY  
The four boys plus WENDY exit the bus and make their way down the street. STAN hangs back a ways from the group. Among the books in his arm is the one that fell on him in the library. He pats the book as he walks along. CHEF appears beside him with a concerned look on his face.

CHEF:  
Boy, I thought I told you to let it go.

STAN:  
*low*  
I have to do this.

CHEF:  
Don't do something stupid, Stan. You may end up regretting it.

STAN:  
*low*  
At this point, I regret nothing.

CARTMAN:  
*off screen*  
I told you he was goin' crazy.

STAN stops dead in his tracks and looks up with a deer in the headlights look. The other four kids are staring at him in either concern or amusement, depending on who you look at. CHEF, on the other hand, is nowhere to be found.

STAN:  
*puzzled*  
What?

There is an awkward silence as the four look to each other.

KYLE:  
Well, I guess I'll be the one to ask it.

CARTMAN:  
*relieved*  
Thank Christ.

STAN:  
*slowly*  
Ask what...?

KYLE:  
Dude, we're your friends, right?

STAN:  
*slowly*  
Yeah...

KYLE:  
And if we were concerned for your well being...

STAN:  
*flatly*  
I'm fine.

KYLE:  
Really?

WENDY:  
Kyle...

KYLE:  
Because you talking to thin air is telling a different story.

STAN:  
*flatly*  
I wasn't talking to thin air. I was just-  
*pauses*  
-thinking out loud.

KYLE:  
Well, maybe instead of thinking you can, you know, talk to us? I mean, Jesus Christ, Stan, it's been nearly a week. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

As STAN glares angrily at the group his eyes turn slightly red.

KYLE:  
*cont'd*  
Chef wouldn't want this.

STAN:  
*pissed*  
Fuck you, Kyle. This isn't about want Chef wants. This is about what-  
*demonically*  
-I want.

The group seems slightly taken aback by this statement.

STAN:  
*cont'd, pissed*  
If you pulled your god damn head out of your self-righteous ass, you'd freaking see that.

KYLE:  
*shocked*  
What did you say?

STAN:  
*pissed*  
I'm out.

STAN walks off.

STAN:  
*off screen, pissed*  
See ya later.

There is a stunned silence.

CARTMAN:  
*awed*  
That was awesome.

WENDY:  
What the hell just happened?

CARTMAN:  
*awed*  
Jew got burned that's what happened.

KYLE:  
Wendy, I think you were right. There's something seriously wrong with Stan.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK GRAVEYARD - NIGHT  
As the full moon shines brightly in the eastern sky, rain threatens from the opposite side. Fog chokes the land and seems to glow silver from within. Despite the oppressive atmosphere, STAN makes his way through the stone slab dotted landscape. He stops at his destination and pulls out his book.

STAN:  
*hushed*  
Right. Let's do this.

He opens the book and begins reading.

STAN:  
*reading*  
"Thank you for purchasing 'The Black Art of Resurrection For Dummies'. Please note that failure to follow our exact instructions will result in either nothing happening or annihilation of your entire town by zombies."  
*shocked*  
Jesus tap dancing Christ!  
*determined*  
I can't pussy out now!

He flips through the pages.

STAN:  
*hushed*  
Where is it?  
*muttering*  
Toads? No. Old eighties sitcom? No.  
*pauses*  
Milli Vanilli?  
*disgusted*  
No way, dude!  
*confused*  
Penile resurrection?  
*excited*  
Here it is!  
*reading*  
"Stand before the grave of the one you wish to see again. Hold one hand above your head, close this book loudly, and proclaim aloud 'Spirits from above! Allow me to see the one beneath the stone!'"

He smirks directly into the CAMERA.

STAN:  
*cont'd*  
Huh. That sounds almost TOO easy.

He takes a deep breath before raising his free hand above his head and loudly closing the book with his other.

STAN:  
*shouts*  
Spirits from above! Allow me to see the one beneath the stone!

He holds his pose for a moment before blinking and returning his arm to his side. He looks around before angrily tossing the book away.

STAN:  
*pissed*  
God dammit! I should've realized it was too good to be true.

STAN'S VOICE:  
*off screen*  
Actually, dude, it helps if you make sure you're at the right grave.

In a moment of panic, STAN looks down at the gravestone to discover that there is neither epitaph nor silver spatula. The scene cuts to a close up of half of STAN's fear filled face. Behind him, a dirty and rotting version of himself finishes pulling himself out of the ground. He wipes dirt off his jacket.

STAN'S VOICE (DEAD STAN):  
Jesus Christ!

STAN turns around to regard this other him.

STAN:  
*stammers*  
Who-

DEAD STAN:  
*grins psychotically*  
Hello me! Meet the real me and my misfit's way of life!

STAN:  
*confused*  
What?

DEAD STAN:  
*sighs*  
Really, dude? You don't recognize yourself when you see you?

STAN:  
But that's-

DEAD STAN:  
*smirks*  
-impossible, right? Oh, no. This is very real, dude.

STAN:  
I- I don't understand.

DEAD STAN:  
You don't need to. I've waited awhile for something like this to happen. Being a wandering spirit pisses me off and I can't get my body back until someone living wills it to "life".

STAN takes a step back.

DEAD STAN:  
*cont'd*  
Also, I'm kinda hungry.

STAN:  
Very funny, Kyle. You can stop it now.

DEAD STAN:  
*raises an eyebrow*  
Totally not Kyle, dude. Like you, I'm Stan Marsh.

STAN:  
*falters*  
Kuh-c'mon, Kenny. Joke's over.

DEAD STAN:  
Heh. Unlike you, I'm the real Stan Marsh. You...

He raises a rotting arm to point at STAN. As he does, a few earthworms fall from his glove and coat.

DEAD STAN:  
*cont'd*  
You're the impostor, kid.

STAN:  
*meekly*  
Butters?

DEAD STAN:  
*pinches the bridge of his nose*  
Jesus Christ. Will you knock it the fuck off? I'll explain this to you nice and easy, kid. Stan Marsh is supposed to be dead because Cartman's a fucking asshole. For some fucked up reason, I couldn't move on. I pleaded with some jackass god of trench coats to help me and his answer was to screw up turning back time.  
*sarcastically*  
That's how "you" came about.

STAN watches as an earthworm wriggles free from a hole in the other kid's leg and falls to the ground. He looks up at the other's face.

STAN:  
*frightened*  
But that's-

DEAD STAN:  
-impossible?

He laughs.

DEAD STAN:  
*cont'd*  
Again, very real, kid.  
*sternly*  
You see, even gods can screw up at times. Remember that movie "Muholland Drive"?

STAN nods.

DEAD STAN:  
*cont'd*  
There was one mistake. Unfortunately, I get to be another...in a long line of mistakes.

He scoffs.

DEAD STAN:  
*cont'd*  
I'm still here and so is my grave.  
*irked*  
And because you exist and snubbed your nose at Wendy, I can't rest!

STAN:  
*confused*  
Wendy?

DEAD STAN:  
*pissed*  
She's my girl! Not Kyle's!

STAN:  
But she-

DEAD STAN:  
*pissed*  
And him! I can't believe he'd go behind my back like that!

STAN:  
But he-

DEAD STAN raises a hand to silence STAN.

DEAD STAN:  
However, you did free me from my personal hell. Even if I did have to push you a bit.

DEAD STAN laughs.

DEAD STAN:  
*cont'd*  
I put the book in your hands. I possessed you to get you here. Thanks, dude.

STAN:  
*slowly*  
Uh, you're welcome?

DEAD STAN:  
There is one thing though.

He laughs again.

DEAD STAN:  
*cont'd*  
It's the funniest thing. You see, there can be only one Stan Marsh.  
*shouts*  
Guys!

Several more ZOMBIE STANS pull themselves from the ground completely surrounding the living STAN and the original zombie. STAN takes in his surroundings with bewilderment.

STAN:  
*shocked*  
Dude, this is pretty fuh-  
*suspiciously*  
Whoa, whoa. Hold on. If there can only be one me why are there, like, fifty?

The DEAD STAN pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs in frustration.

DEAD STAN:  
*flatly*  
This is your fate. Each one of us represents the number of times that you refused to accept reality.  
*pissed*  
Look, kid. I've repeated this scene probably a hundred times now. Just make it easy and don't fight me. Just admit it and-

He gestures to the other STANS.

DEAD STAN:  
*cont'd*  
-you'll avoid this fate.

ZOMBIE STAN#1:  
Admit it.

ZOMBIE STAN#2:  
Admit it.

ZOMBIE GROUP:  
Admit it...

There is a silence for moment.

STAN:  
I'm confused. What am I admitting?

DEAD STAN:  
*mutters*  
Oh, for fuck's sake!  
*pissed*  
Admit that you took my life away from me. Admit that you fucked up my second chance with my girlfriend! Admit that you took away my rights into Heaven!

STAN:  
I didn't do anything!

DEAD STAN:  
*psychotic, demonically*  
Yes, you did, butt-pirate! And I'm taking those things back!

STAN screams out in fear and shoves his way through the horde of ZOMBIE STANS as he makes his way to the front gate.

DEAD STAN:  
*sighs*  
God dammit. I got away again! Whatever. I know where I live.  
*pissed*  
Alright! Tonight zombies walk the earth! Make this a land of the dead!

When all of the zombies moan, groan, or screech in agreement, a large dark shadow appears next to DEAD STAN.

DEAD STAN:  
*smirks*  
Hey, Chef!

ZOMBIE CHEF:  
*distorted*  
Hello there, chillllldren...

DEAD STAN:  
What's for lunch today, Chef?

ZOMBIE CHEF:  
Sal'sbury chilllldren...

DEAD STAN:  
Kick ass.

As the ZOMBIE STANS raise the dead in the graveyard-

DEAD STAN:  
What a horrible night for a curse!

-the DEAD STAN laughs maniacally. The scene then cuts to black.

* * *

FADE IN EXT. A LONG AND WINDING WOODED ROAD - NIGHT  
Rain falls quietly among the snow covered conifer trees as a slight breeze causes the branches of said trees to sway back and forth in a dance unheard to human ears. A church bell echoes forlornly in the distance. STAN suddenly races past, screaming at the top of his lungs, complete with a Doppler effect.

STAN:  
*screaming*  
This isn't happening!

* * *

CUT TO EXT. PHIL COLLIN'S HILL - NIGHT  
DEAD STAN appears at the top of Phil Collins Hill and stares at the town below with a wicked grin. His army composed of various deceased townspeople and multiple other STANS come up behind him. He holds out an arm to prevent the more eager ones from running ahead. The pose is held for a moment until ZOMBIE CHEF appears. Lightning flashes, blinding the CAMERA. When it refocuses, the entire group is gone.

* * *

CUT TO INT. CARTMAN RESIDENCE  
KYLE, WENDY, and KENNY are on the floor and huddled over a map of the town. CARTMAN, bored out of his mind, lounges lazily on his couch with a juice box in hand as Terrance and Phillip fart on the television.

KYLE:  
Right. So we'll each take an area of the town and look for Stan.

KENNY:  
[Didn't his parents go to the police?]

WENDY:  
*sighs*  
Officer Barbrady couldn't find his ass even if it was handed to him.

KYLE:  
Either way, he hasn't been missing for long. He's bound to be in one of these areas.

LIANE CARTMAN pokes her head through the doorway from the kitchen.

LIANE:  
Does anyone need anything?

WENDY:  
Well, actually-

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
No, ma. We're all good.

LIANE:  
Alrighty! If you need mommy, pookie, she'll be in the kitchen making dinner. Okay?

CARTMAN:  
*hopeful*  
Chunky chocolate chicken potpie?

LIANE:  
Sure thing, hun!

She disappears back into the kitchen.

CARTMAN:  
Sweet.

WENDY:  
*irked*  
You know, I am pretty thirsty.

CARTMAN:  
Not my problem.

WENDY:  
You could share some juice boxes...

CARTMAN:  
Nah uh.

WENDY:  
*irked*  
Just one juice box, Cartman.

CARTMAN:  
Get yer own god damn juice box, hippie! I worked hard and slaved myself to the bone to get what I have and I'll be damned if I give handouts to jobless welfare leeches!

KYLE:  
Dude, you're nine. You don't have a job.

CARTMAN:  
Do too!

KYLE:  
Yeah? What?

CARTMAN:  
*pauses*  
I keep hippies from my juice boxes.

WENDY:  
That's not a job!

CARTMAN:  
It is if you're me. Now get out of my house, hippie!

KYLE:  
*rolls eyes*  
Fine. Whatever. We're going to look for Stan anyway. You coming?

CARTMAN:  
*snorts*  
Puh. Yeah. Right. In case you haven't noticed, Kahl, it's raining outside.

CARTMAN sips some juice through the straw, drawing out the motions as if to make WENDY jealous. It does, which results in her giving him a glare.

CARTMAN:  
*cont'd*  
Screw that. Some fucked up tree-hugger is not worth getting wet.

KYLE:  
Cartman-

The door suddenly bursts open, scaring all present. STAN rushes through the doorway and slams it shut behind him. He leans against said door as he tiredly attempts to catch his breath.

STAN:  
*pants*  
Guys...

KYLE:  
*raises an eyebrow*  
Stan?

STAN:  
*pants*  
I...think I...fucked up...

WENDY:  
...How?

STAN:  
*pants*  
Anyone...know...how to...

CARTMAN:  
Get to the point, asshole!

STAN:  
*winded*  
I'm getting there, butt-pirate!

He takes a deep breath.

STAN:  
*cont'd*  
Anyone know how to get rid of zombies?

CARTMAN:  
What? Like Rob Zombie fans? They're just as bad as freaking hippies.

STAN:  
No-

WENDY:  
Smart phone addicts?

STAN:  
No-

KENNY:  
[Apple users?]

STAN:  
*annoyed*  
God dammit! No, the flesh eating kind!

KYLE:  
*flatly*  
What.

KENNY pulls his hood tighter.

KENNY:  
*fearfully*  
[Zombies?!]

KYLE plants his face into his palm.

KYLE:  
*annoyed*  
Let me guess; you have something to do with this.

STAN grins rather timidly.

STAN:  
*timidly*  
Maybe... I, uh, found a book in the library today and-

WENDY:  
Would this book happen to be "The Black Art of Resurrection For Dummies"?

STAN:  
Yeah. How did you know?

WENDY:  
Figured. I bought it a few years ago from Amazon when I was really depressed and lonely and wanting to apol-

KYLE:  
*low*  
Uh, Wendy, ixnay on-ay uh-thay yuture-fay.

WENDY:  
What?

KYLE:  
Ixnay on-ay uh-thay yuture-fay.

WENDY:  
I still don't get it.

KYLE:  
*flatly*  
Nevermind.

CARTMAN:  
You hippies really need to stop smokin'. Seriously.

CARTMAN hops down from the couch and walks towards the kitchen.

CARTMAN:  
Black arts? Zombies? Pig Latin?

He laughs.

CARTMAN:  
*cont'd*  
Puh. Whatever.

KYLE:  
*matter-of-factly*  
You know we've fought zombies before, right?

CARTMAN:  
Kahl, that was pink-

He stops at the doorway. The juice box drops to the floor, forgotten.

STAN:  
You okay, Cartman?

CARTMAN:  
*slowly*  
I'm- I'm not sure...

KYLE:  
Why?

CARTMAN:  
*slowly*  
Um, I'm not quite familiar with what I'm seeing.

* * *

CUT TO INT. CARTMAN RESIDENCE - KITCHEN - NIGHT  
The window above the sink is wide open allowing a wet breeze into the house. Animal-like eating overpowers any noise coming from the other room. A whole raw chicken sits abandoned by a bottle of chocolate sauce and an exploded bag of flour. The white dust covers everything, including LIANE, the large puddle of blood on the floor surrounding her head, and the ZOMBIE STAN ripping the flesh from her neck with his teeth.

KYLE:  
*off screen, hushed*  
Jesus Christ!

The five kids are standing in the doorway with absolute shock painted on their faces.

CARTMAN:  
*shocked*  
I-

WENDY makes a scared little noise and attempts to hide behind KYLE. The ZOMBIE STAN rips more flesh from LIANE's neck and whips his head back and forth like a dog, sending blood and gore everywhere.

CARTMAN:  
*hushed*  
Stan?

STAN:  
*hushed*  
Yeah?

CARTMAN:  
*hushed*  
Can you tell me why that zombie that looks like you is eating my mom?

STAN:  
*hushed*  
Um...  
*pauses*  
Because he's hungry?

CARTMAN is not impressed.

KENNY:  
*hushed*  
[Let's just back away, nice and quiet.]

As they all back away, KENNY pulls the stunned CARTMAN with him.

KYLE:  
*hushed*  
God dammit, Stan! What the hell were you hoping to accomplish by raising the dead?!

STAN:  
*meekly*  
I- I just wanted Chef to sing a song to help me understand...

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
God dammit, asshole! Stop bein' a god damn pansy and just accept that Chef's fucking dead! For fuck's sake! Because you're a god damn retard, some dead asshole's eating my mom!

STAN:  
Cartman, I'm-

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
Who the fuck is gonna make my chocolate chicken pot pie now?!

They all turn to look when a cough is heard. The ZOMBIE STAN grins a bloody meaty grin.

ZOMBIE STAN:  
*guttural*  
Ahhhdmmmihhhht ihhht...

The kids all scream and run in the opposite direction. Outside the front door, they skid to a halt when the path is blocked by the DEAD STAN and several zombified townspeople.

DEAD STAN:  
Hey, guys! Long time no see!

He bares his bloodied teeth in a psychotic grin.

STAN:  
*pissed*  
Aw, not this kid again!

KYLE:  
This one talks?

DEAD STAN:  
*sighs*  
I'm not going through the history lesson again. Will somebody, please, eat these assholes?

ZOMBIE MR. MACKEY appears among the horde.

ZOMBIE MR. MACKEY:  
*guttural*  
Mmmkay...

DEAD STAN:  
Especially that asshole Kyle.

KYLE:  
*pissed*  
Dude! What the fuck did I do?!

CARTMAN laughs.

DEAD STAN:  
Leave fat ass though.

CARTMAN:  
What?!

DEAD STAN:  
*grins*  
He's mine.

When the kids find themselves surrounded-

STAN:  
Every man for himself!

WENDY:  
Seconded!

-STAN, KYLE, KENNY, and WENDY make a break for it leaving CARTMAN to fend for himself.

CARTMAN:  
*panicked*  
Ay! You sonsa bitches! Don't leave me!

KYLE:  
*off screen, faintly*  
Sorry, Cartman!

The DEAD STAN blinks in confusion as CARTMAN squeals like a piggy in fear and frustration.

DEAD STAN:  
Well, this is new. In every single loop I always sacrificed myself to save everyone. What changed?

A different ZOMBIE STAN shrugs his shoulders.

DEAD STAN:  
*sighs*  
Whatever. I'm gonna enjoy-

He blinks in confusion when he notices-

DEAD STAN:  
Cartman?

-CARTMAN is panting heavily as he runs away.

CARTMAN:  
Screw you, hippie!

DEAD STAN:  
*pissed*  
God dammit!

The zombie horde just stares blankly at the DEAD STAN.

DEAD STAN:  
*pissed*  
Don't just stare at me, artards! Go kick his ass!

The zombies moan in response. Down the street, CARTMAN runs as fast as his fat little body can carry him.

CARTMAN:  
*panting, pissed*  
God dammit! I should be havin' chunky chocolate chicken pot pie right now!

He comes to a stop when his mother blocks his path. Her head leans completely to one side due to the injuries she sustained. A sardonic grin is spread across her pale lesion covered face.

CARTMAN:  
*shocked*  
Mom?!

ZOMBIE LIANE:  
*distorted*  
Pookie like tasty num-nums?

CARTMAN:  
*shocked*  
No... You can't be a zombie!

ZOMBIE LIANE lurches forward, falls to her knees, and envelops her son in a hug.

CARTMAN:  
*crying*  
You can't!

ZOMBIE LIANE:  
*distorted*  
Tasty hun...

CARTMAN's expression suddenly changes to one of betrayal. He unfreezes with a gasp and a kick to the stomach just in time to escape, leaving ZOMBIE LIANE lying on the ground and holding his yellow and sky-blue stocking cap, her mouth wide open mid-bite.

CARTMAN:  
*faintly*  
Suck mah balls, you undead bitch!

* * *

CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK MAIN STREET DISTRICT - NIGHT  
STAN, KYLE, KENNY, and WENDY run panicked down the street. Lightning flashes, illuminating the various zombie townspeople attempting to make their way to the fleeing children. Thunder rolls overhead. WENDY periodically makes scared whimpering noises.

KYLE:  
What're we gonna do now?!

KENNY:  
[We need weapons!]

STAN:  
Kenny's right! We need weapons!

A zombie falls from the roof of the Post Office and splatters in front of them. All four kids scream in surprise then groan in disgust as they become covered in gore.

WENDY:  
Eww! Fucking gross, dude!

A distorted groan and shambling footsteps behind them force them running again.

KYLE:  
If anybody has any ideas, now would be the time to discuss it!

STAN:  
Uncle Jimbo's gun shop! Let's go there!

KENNY:  
[What about Cartman?]

WENDY:  
Fuck Cartman! It's his fault we're in this mess to begin with!

STAN raises an eyebrow at this suggestion.

KYLE:  
Wendy-

WENDY:  
Fuck it, Kyle! I'm getting tired of trying to hide the past!

KYLE:  
Future!

WENDY:  
Whatever!

STAN:  
But I brought the zombies to life! Not Cartman!

WENDY:  
You didn't help the situation either, Stan!

KYLE:  
We'll just have to assume that he'll find us if he's still alive!

KYLE screams as they all come to a halt once more and points fearfully at what is casting the black shadow over them. KENNY, in fear, pulls the strings of his hood tight.

STAN:  
*frightened*  
Shuh-Chef?

ZOMBIE CHEF grins hungrily and brandishes his stainless steel spatula.

ZOMBIE CHEF:  
*guttural*  
Lunnnch todayyy... Sal'sburrry chillldrrren...

STAN:  
*panicked*  
Chef! It's Stan!

WENDY and KENNY, with cries, take off in the opposite direction as KYLE attempts to drag STAN with.

KYLE:  
He's a mindless zombie, dude! Let it go!

STAN:  
*panicked*  
No! Chef! CHEF!

Elsewhere on Main Street, CARTMAN runs for his life as the DEAD STAN and a few of his STAN LACKEYS give chase. CARTMAN quickly bolts into an alley. By the time the STANS stop at the entrance, the fat kid is gone. All that is in this dead end alley are several trash cans, a dumpster, and a medical waste bin.

DEAD STAN:  
*pissed*  
Where is he?

ZOMBIE STAN#1:  
*shrugs*  
He's not here, dude.

DEAD STAN:  
Oh, he's here. Where can he be hiding?

DEAD STAN points to one of the other STANS.

DEAD STAN:  
You. Check that dumpster.

ZOMBIE STAN#2:  
No way, dude!

DEAD STAN:  
*pissed*  
Do it before I kick your balls in, kid.

ZOMBIE STAN#2 leaps up and hangs on the edge of said dumpster for a moment. He drops back down to the ground with a disgusted look and waves a hand in front of his face.

ZOMBIE STAN#2:  
Jesus Christ, dude! That smell's pretty fucked up right here!

DEAD STAN:  
*pissed*  
Find him, assholes! I want that fat bastard dead!

The ZOMBIE STANs kick at the garbage cans and check the medical waste bin.

ZOMBIE STAN#1:  
*shrugs*  
I told you. He's not here, dude.

DEAD STAN:  
*pissed*  
God dammit! You guys, spread out and keep searching. If you don't find his lard filled ass in fifteen minutes then meet the rest of us at the ron-day-voo.

After DEAD STAN walks away in a huff with his entourage, the two remaining ZOMBIE STANS sigh and walk off in the opposite direction.

ZOMBIE STAN#1:  
That kid's a dick.

ZOMBIE STAN#2:  
I know, dude, but he's the original. We wouldn't exist if not for him.

ZOMBIE STAN#1:  
I know, but I still think he's a dick.

ZOMBIE STAN#2:  
Yeah...

Once the two STANS are out of earshot, CARTMAN pops up out the medical waste bin. He removes a dead fetus from his shoulder and brushes away some needles poking out from various parts of his visible body. He sighs and falls out of the bin.

CARTMAN:  
Shit... Thank Christ Stan's a freakin' retard.

He sidles up to the entrance of the alley, looks around quickly, and bolts off.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. JIMBO'S GUNS - NIGHT  
During the establishing shot, STAN frantically pounds on the door.

STAN:  
*shouting*  
Uncle Jimbo! Uncle Jimbo!

KYLE:  
*panicked*  
Maybe he's not here!

The door suddenly opens, revealing CLYDE not Jimbo.

STAN:  
*confused*  
Clyde?

CLYDE:  
Hurry up and get in here!

* * *

CUT TO INT. JIMBO'S GUNS  
Inside, various kids seem to have had the same idea as STAN and nearly all of them are armed with firepower. TWEEK huddles in a corner while clutching a lead pipe to his chest.

TWEEK:  
*mutters*  
Oh, Jesus! They're gonna get me!

BUTTERS and DOUGIE can be found in another corner, while BEBE, RED, and LOLA are nearby regarding a map of the town. LOLA turns to STAN and gives him a bright smile. STAN turns red and quickly turns away. BEBE notices the newcomers and narrows her eyes at WENDY.

BEBE:  
Wendy...

WENDY:  
Bebe...

BEBE:  
I'm...glad you're not dead.

WENDY:  
*smiles sadly*  
I'm glad you're here too.

STAN:  
What happened?

CLYDE:  
*sadly*  
Craig was one of the first...to turn...I think.

KYLE:  
*downcast*  
Dude...

CLYDE:  
I met Tweek and Butters near the Post Office.

TWEEK:  
*muttering*  
Argh! They- They got Token!

He grabs hair as he spasms.

TWEEK:  
*cont'd*  
Oh, god! I'm next! I'm next! Gaaaah!

CLYDE:  
Everyone else just sorta showed up.

KENNY and WENDY share a look which prompts her to shrug.

CLYDE:  
*suspiciously*  
Although, it's weird that the zombie that attacked Craig looked and sounded a lot like you, Stan.

STAN:  
Uh, yeah. I've seen him.

CLYDE:  
Who was he?

STAN:  
*sighs*  
He's me, but not me.

BUTTERS:  
Whuh-why, that doesn't make any sense at all! No sir!

STAN:  
I don't get it myself, but I have no doubt that it's me...some how.

STAN regards WENDY from the corner of his eye.

STAN:  
Although, I have a feeling that Wendy and Kyle may know something.

The two look shocked before WENDY grins sheepishly.

KYLE:  
Nuh-no we don't!

WENDY:  
There's no point in hiding it any more, Kyle. We may as well tell them what we know.

KYLE:  
Fine, but only if we gear up while we're talking and someone follows up with a single question that summarizes our conversation.

There is a short series of clips of the kids equipping themselves with weapons. STAN brandishes a double-barrel shot gun. KYLE and WENDY each swing a sword about. KENNY finds a chainsaw. After the clip show, all the kids have returned to their original positions.

STAN:  
So, you mean to tell us that in an alternate timeline Cartman killed me, you guys killed him ten years in the future, you then woke up in the present remembering parts of this alternate future, somehow prevented Cartman from killing me, and I somehow raised that zombie me that died in the alternate timeline from the dead?

WENDY nods.

KYLE:  
Something like that.

STAN:  
*sarcastically*  
Yeah. That makes a whole lot of sense.

KENNY:  
[The truth usually doesn't.]

KYLE:  
Why didn't you tell us that you remembered, too, Kenny?

KENNY shrugs.

WENDY:  
What now?

The kids all look to each other for an answer, yet no one seems to have one, so everyone turns back to STAN.

STAN:  
Why's everyone looking at me?

CLYDE:  
You got us into this mess. You can get us out.

BUTTERS:  
Sih-seems fair to me.

STAN:  
God dammit.

They all jump when a frantic pounding comes from the door. WENDY audibly gasps.

TWEEK:  
*hushed*  
Oh, god! What if- What if it's a zombie coming to kill us and steal our underpants?!

CARTMAN:  
*off screen*  
God dammit, Jimbo! Open this god damn door!

KYLE:  
*shocked*  
Holy shit!

STAN:  
*shocked*  
Cartman?!

When CLYDE opens the door, CARTMAN rushes in, slams the door behind him, and leans against it to catch his breath. His condition has worsened since last seen; his clothing is torn in several places, the gloves on his hands are mere shreds and reveal the bleeding knuckles underneath. Blood letting cuts litter his face.

CARTMAN:  
*panting*  
Jesus H. Christ!

WENDY:  
Where the hell did you come from?!

CARTMAN:  
*panting*  
You guys... Remember how we used to make fun of Ms. Choksondik before she died? I just saw her...and she's really pissed off.

As if on cue, a MS. CHOKSONDIK like screech fills the air which causes several kids to cover their ears in pain. Several other zombie screeches and moans soon follow.

CLYDE:  
*panicked*  
They know we're here.

KYLE:  
No shit!

CARTMAN lowers his head and starts crying.

STAN:  
You okay, Cartman?

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
Okay? OKAY?! I've been running away from and fighting zombie assholes by myself since you dicks decided to fucking abandon me! And to top it off, my own mom tried to eat me!  
*pauses*  
How THE FUCK do you think I feel?!

STAN:  
I'm- I'm sorry, dude...

When CARTMAN pounds a fist on the door, everyone shirks back not knowing what to say.

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
Sorry?! God dammit, Stan! None of this would be happening if you weren't such a fucking selfish asshole!

STAN:  
*low*  
I'm aware of that.

WENDY:  
Cartman-

Shadows of zombies suddenly appear in the frosted windows on either side of the door causing gasps from the children. The undead face of MS. CHOKSONDIK appears in the window on the door above CARTMAN's head. When she screeches, he spins away and adopts a defensive position near the rest of the group. The others ready their weapons.

WENDY:  
If anyone has a suggestion, other than who to blame, I think now would be a good time!

STAN:  
I'll jump out the window and be a decoy! You guys can escape out the back door!

CLYDE:  
*panicked*  
Are you fucking crazy?!

CARTMAN:  
Let him go! I'm not dyin' for any of you assholes!

BEBE:  
*flatly*  
Real poetic, Cartman.

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
Don't judge me, bitch!

TWEEK:  
*low*  
Argh! If- If you go out there, you'll be killed!

STAN:  
*determined*  
I put you guys in this mess. I'll be enough of a distraction for you guys to get to safer ground.

KENNY:  
*shouting*  
[No!]  
*normal*  
[I'll go!]

KYLE:  
*raises an eyebrow*  
You're the crazy one...

As the moans and screeches get louder, the door begins to shake. TWEEK stands at this point and takes a position between the group and the door.

TWEEK:  
I- I'll go!

STAN:  
Dude...

TWEEK:  
I'm- I'm a faster runner and- Ack! -I've got a lead pipe! I'll take a few of them down with me!

CLYDE and the other kids head towards the back of the store.

CLYDE:  
Good luck, Tweek!

STAN:  
What? No! There has to be another way!

BEBE:  
We're going to Fairplay! It'll be safer there!

WENDY:  
Good luck!

TWEEK calmly approaches the door and rests his hand on the jiggling doorknob.

STAN:  
Don't do this, dude! Nobody has to be left behind!

TWEEK:  
I... I don't know if I can handle this kuh-kind of pressure!

CARTMAN:  
Screw this! I'm gettin' outta here!

CARTMAN grabs a baseball bat on his way out the back. Everyone else follows.

KYLE:  
*shouting*  
C'mon, Stan!

STAN:  
Tweek!

TWEEK:  
*determined*  
Go! Get away!

As soon as TWEEK flings the door open, STAN bolts towards the back entrance.

STAN:  
*panicked*  
God dammit!

ZOMBIE MS. CHOKSONDIK, ZOMBIE STUART MCCORMICK, and a few other familiar faces attempt to fit through the doorway all at once, but not before TWEEK dives between their legs with a primal war cry.

TWEEK:  
Gah! Too much pressure!

* * *

CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK MAIN STREET DISCTRICT - NIGHT  
Lightning flashes ominously as rain pelts the dark and soggy landscape. STAN frantically, yet, determinedly makes his way down the street. KYLE, CARTMAN, KENNY, and WENDY chase after him. Water splashes every time their feet touch the ground.

KYLE:  
Dude, where the hell are you going?

Thunder sharply strikes causing everyone to jump.

STAN:  
I'm not letting anyone else die in vain, Kyle! I'm putting a stop to this!

CARTMAN:  
*shocked*  
What? Fuck that! Let's just run away! Someone else can deal with this!

STAN:  
I'm doing this, fat ass. You don't have to come with.

CARTMAN stops running, but whimpers as the others get farther away. He begrudgingly catches up with the group.

CARTMAN:  
God dammit. I hate you, Stan.

WENDY:  
So where are we going?

STAN:  
Wherever there's a huge group of mes running around.

KYLE:  
...I have a feeling we should head towards the town square.

STAN:  
What makes you say that?

KYLE:  
I-  
*pauses*  
Just a feeling.

The group is suddenly brought to a halt by a zombie attack on WENDY, which brings her to the ground.

WENDY:  
*panicked*  
Guys!

She screams bloody murder before anyone can react. KYLE is the first. With a cry, he swings his sword and sends the zombie's severed arm flying. Now distracted, the zombie rises to its feet and makes to go after its assailant. However, STAN has his shotgun pointed directly at its head.

STAN:  
Hey, asshole!

The zombie snarls and, after a flash and loud gunshot, falls over with a large gaping hole in its head. In a panic, KYLE kneels down beside WENDY and cradles her head in his arms. Her cheek and neck are completely gone. Blood covers everything.

KYLE:  
*tearfully*  
Wendy! You're gonna be okay! You're gonna be okay!

CARTMAN:  
She's- She's dead, dude.

KYLE:  
*tearfully*  
No! No!

KENNY:  
[We have to sever her head from her body.]

KYLE:  
*tearfully*  
What?! No!

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
Haven't you seen any of those zombie movies, Jew?

KYLE:  
*tearfully*  
But I'm not cutting her head off!

Tears well in the corners of STAN's eyes.

STAN:  
She's gonna become a zombie, too, Kyle.

CARTMAN:  
*sadly*  
Just like my mom...

KYLE slowly grabs WENDY's abandoned sword on the ground along with his own.

KYLE:  
*tearfully*  
I...I don't want to do this.

As WENDY's eyes slowly open, her whites become black.

STAN:  
*alarmed*  
Kyle...!

KYLE:  
*tearfully*  
I-

As he cocks his arm back for the strike, WENDY moans wetly.

ZOMBIE WENDY:  
*distorted*  
Kyyyllle...

STAN looks on in pity as KYLE screams and swings his sword downwards. STAN, CARTMAN, and KENNY wince when the sound of steel hitting asphalt is heard. CARTMAN watches something move before closing his eyes and silently sighing. Lightning promptly becks and calls. Thunder sharply answers.

KENNY:  
[God damn...]

KYLE slowly stands and with a furious expression uses a sword to point in the direction of the town square.

STAN:  
Kyle...?

KYLE:  
*pissed*  
Stan, I'm gonna promise you this... This asshole's going down-

There is a close up of one of KYLE's hands as his grip on the sword tightens.

KYLE:  
*pissed*  
-or I'm gonna die trying!

CARTMAN taps the end of his bat into his open palm. A sardonic grin spreads across his face.

CARTMAN:  
Let's kick some zombie ass, Jew!

KENNY:  
[Yeah!]

CARTMAN and KENNY run off into the night with wild war cries. STAN looks down at WENDY with a sorrowful expression.

STAN:  
*softly*  
Wendy... I'm sorry.

He attempts to walk off before KYLE stops him.

KYLE:  
Stan.

STAN looks into his friend's eyes.

KYLE:  
I realize it now; I've been here before in this future. There's no time for details, but I'm sure of it now. The darkness. The rain. The smell of death. Stan, promise me! Promise me that whatever happens, you'll accept reality for what it is and let it go.

STAN nods.

KYLE:  
*pissed*  
Promise me, dude!

STAN:  
I promise!

KYLE:  
If not for you, if not for me...

KYLE looks down to the broken body of WENDY on the ground as tears well in his eyes again.

KYLE:  
...Then do it for everyone else needlessly caught up in all this.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK TOWN SQUARE - NIGHT  
Several lamp posts lined on the nearby streets illuminate the area. A low laying fog gathers near the ground. Several crates have been stacked on top of each other on the far side so that the DEAD STAN can see everyone and everything around him. ZOMBIE CHEF stands nearby along with DEAD STAN's army of ZOMBIE STANS. A vast majority of the townspeople appear to have been zombified. CLYDE, BEBE, BUTTERS, and the other kids can be seen among the crowd.

DEAD STAN:  
This is freaking awesome! I finally did it! The entire town is MINE!

He raises a middle finger to the sky.

DEAD STAN:  
See what I did, you trench coated asshole? I broke your time loop! I got what I WANTED! It's all MINE!

He laughs maniacally, but is cut short.

KYLE:  
*off screen*  
Hey, asshole!

DEAD STAN looks in the direction of the voice towards the opposite side of the square. Standing in a line are STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN, and KENNY. Each one looking pissed and ready for battle. STAN casually brandishes his shotgun in one hand. KYLE rigidly has both swords pointed to the ground in a "V" formation. CARTMAN, again, taps the end of his bat into his open palm. While KENNY's hood masks any sort of expression on his face, the fact that he swiftly yanks his chainsaw's pull-chord easily gets across his readiness for a fight.

DEAD STAN:  
*pissed*  
These assholes aren't dead yet?!

KYLE raises a sword at the group of the undead.

KYLE:  
The only dead asshole around here is you, asshole.

CARTMAN:  
*snickers, hushed*  
It's funny 'cause he's a zombie.

KENNY rolls his eyes.

CARTMAN:  
*falters*  
...He's already dead?  
*pissed*  
God dammit! It's funny, Kinny!

DEAD STAN:  
Fine. You wanna play this game? Let's see how long you guys last against the entire town!

STAN:  
So, how we wanna do this?

CARTMAN:  
Pretend they're hippies. Kill them all. Heh.

KYLE:  
Hippies don't want to eat other people, fat ass!

CARTMAN:  
*pissed*  
God dammit, Kahl!

STAN:  
Guys, I think we're outnumbered no matter what we do.

KENNY:  
[What if we just go for the asshole Stan on those crates?]

KYLE:  
Kenny's right! This is just like a boss battle! All these other assholes are just to bog us down!

STAN:  
So, we just head for asshole over there and take out anyone who gets in our way?

KYLE:  
Right.

STAN:  
I'm sold.

KENNY nods.

CARTMAN:  
*annoyed*  
Fine.

DEAD STAN:  
Are you assholes fighting or what?

KYLE:  
*narrowed eyes*  
Ready, guys?

STAN cocks his shotgun single-handedly.

Boys:  
*in perfect unison*  
Ready!

KYLE:  
Right.

STAN:  
I've got my boomstick-

DEAD STAN:  
*shouting*  
Army of darkness-

Just as STAN raises his shotgun at the opposition, DEAD STAN raises a decaying finger towards the boys.

STAN/DEAD STAN:  
*shouting*  
Let's rock!

The two groups suddenly rush in for the kill, both screaming and yelling various war cries. KYLE, running ahead of the other boys, trails his swords behind him, while KENNY's hood falls back from the speed of his sprint. He waves the chainsaw above his head.

KENNY:  
*shouting*  
It's time to play zombie lumberjack!

ZOMBIE BEBE, now with tattered hair, leads the charge along with ZOMBIE TWEEK, snarling and growling. Behind them ZOMBIES CRAIG, RED, and BUTTERS screech loudly in excitement.

KENNY:  
*shouting*  
And I'm the lumberjack!

Just as the two groups are about to run head long into each other, CARTMAN leaps into the fray with a wild battle cry. As the baseball bat comes down on ZOMBIE MR. GARRISON's head, the scene cuts to KYLE as he steps up onto the back of the diving ZOMBIE MRS. MCCORMICK, jumps off towards the CAMERA, and brings the swords down into a double cross-slash. The screen splits into four equal triangles and falls apart, which reveals STAN using his shotgun as a staff. As he hits ZOMBIE BUTTERS in the face with the butt of the gun, KYLE is seen landing on his feet in the background and bounding into the fray while ZOMBIE RANDY falls to the ground in four equal pieces. STAN again pounds the butt of his shotgun in ZOMBIE BUTTERS' face until the head shatters in a multitude of gore and tiny pieces. He cocks his weapon with one hand, catches the butt with his other, aims, and quickly blows a hole in ZOMBIE MS. CRABTREE's chest. Through the hole, CARTMAN is seen backpedaling to avoid a hug from ZOMBIE STEPHEN STOTCH. When the now deceased bus driver falls forward, CARTMAN swings his bat around wide knocking the legs off of the nearby ZOMBIE MR. MACKEY and striking ZOMBIE STEPHEN STOTCH in the side, effectively burrowing the blunt weapon halfway through his midsection. With a grunt, CARTMAN pulls it free only for the recoil to send it and his arm backwards towards the gaping rotten maw of ZOMBIE MR. SLAVE. Unlike his ass, ZOMBIE MR. SLAVE's mouth can't take the hit and shatters.

CARTMAN:  
Kick ass!

CARTMAN adopts a golfer's position as ZOMBIE MAYOR MCDANIELS mindlessly stumbles for him. He brings the bat upwards in a swift golf swing when she dives towards him-

CARTMAN:  
*shouting*  
Fore!

-and in slow motion, her head disconnects from her neck with a sickening sound and begins a journey in the air over the crowd as her body comes to a stop at his feet. KENNY can be seen running his father through with his chainsaw and enjoying every second of it. In an aerial view of the battle, MAYOR MCDANIELS' head slowly peaks in its flight very near the CAMERA; her expression forever locked in one of agony. STAN, straight below, chances a look up. Just as everything returns to normal speed-

STAN:  
*from slo-mo to normal speed*  
Heads up, Kyle!

-the CAMERA cuts to the flying head's point of view, with KYLE as its destination. KYLE begrudgingly spears his own mother in the throat and abandons that sword, at the last possible second, to whip around and slice the airborne projectile into two halves.

CARTMAN:  
*shouting*  
I could use a stamina potion right about now!

KYLE swiftly spins back around and retrieves his other sword just as ZOMBIE SHEILA begins to fall backwards.

KYLE:  
*shouting*  
This isn't a video game, fat ass!

Nearby, KENNY makes himself known by swinging the running chainsaw in a wide horizontal arc causing the upper halves of any nearby zombies to fly into the air.

STAN:  
*shouting*  
You were the one comparing this to a game, Kyle!

As the zombie torsos hit the ground, KENNY brings his weapon down vertically and, covering himself and everything else in gore-

KENNY:  
*shouting*  
Timber!

-splits ZOMBIE SHELLEY MARSH in twain. He laughs and bounds screen right, revealing the DEAD STAN on his crates not too far away. ZOMBIE CHEF grumbles wetly.

DEAD STAN:  
Yeah. That's a good idea, Chef. Get in there.

He grins evilly.

DEAD STAN:  
*cont'd*  
Make him suffer.

ZOMBIE CHEF disappears into the battle. He weaves in and out, passing STAN, KYLE, and KENNY. However, instead of following ZOMBIE CHEF, the CAMERA stays with KENNY as his chainsaw sputters and falls silent and still. He panics and attempts to bring it back to life. The nearby STAN sees this and attempts to come to his aid. A screech causes STAN to look to the CAMERA with fear, scream, and then duck to avoid an attack to his face. When he comes back up and beats the CAMERA with the butt of his shotgun, the screen cracks into spiderwebs before shattering and falling away to reveal KENNY still struggling.

KENNY:  
*shouting*  
Goddamnmotherfucking-

He screams in terror as he's suddenly tackled by ZOMBIES BEBE and JORDAN. Nearby, STAN's progress is halted by a hissing ZOMBIE PRINCIPAL VICTORIA. STAN cocks his gun-

STAN:  
*pissed*  
Get outta my way.

-and shoots her point blank. As her headless body falls to the ground, STAN leans to the side with a cry of surprise to dodge a flying chainsaw and arm. He stumbles to the ground after he attempts to evade an attack from ZOMBIE LOLA while unbalanced.

STAN:  
*shouting*  
Oh my god! They killed Kenny!

He scrambles to his feet and runs off in the direction of his counterpart watching the show from high on the crates. Nearby, KYLE chops the arms off an assailant creating dual fountains of rotten blood-

KYLE:  
*shouting*  
You bastards!

-and then turns to decapitate another, sending its head spinning into the air with another fountain.

KYLE:  
*screaming*  
YOU BASTARDS!

Back at CARTMAN, he punts ZOMBIE SHARON MARSH in the knees and brings the bat down on her head when she falls forward. He laughs triumphantly as he swings at and tears down another assailant. The zombies surrounding him suddenly back away when ZOMBIE CHEF materializes behind him. CARTMAN raises an eyebrow in confusion. Nearby, STAN has finally reached the DEAD STAN and his ZOMBIE STAN army. Several ZOMBIE STANS hiss and snarl as he approaches.

DEAD STAN:  
*mockingly grins*  
Hey, dude! Great to see you!

STAN's response is an angry glare. DEAD STAN leaps off his crates and lands on the ground.

DEAD STAN:  
So, you ready to admit it?

STAN swiftly raises his middle finger.

STAN:  
The only thing I'm admitting is that I fucked up by bringing you here.

DEAD STAN:  
*bares his teeth*  
Why are you refusing to break? Admit it, you asshole!

STAN:  
I didn't want this!

Back at KYLE, he spears ZOMBIE TWEEK in the abdomen with both swords, lifts him above his head, and tosses him into a nearby crowd, sending them all to the ground in a heap. Back at CARTMAN, ZOMBIE CHEF at this point has picked CARTMAN up by his coat and is holding him near his grinning, eyeless face. CARTMAN struggles to get away, but fails.

ZOMBIE CHEF:  
*guttural*  
Sal'sbury chillldrrren...

CARTMAN:  
*panicking*  
No, Chef! You make the salisbury steak for us!

Just as ZOMBIE CHEF opens his mouth wide, the CAMERA cuts back to STAN. He grimaces as CARTMAN's bloody screams come to a wet gurgling stop. The DEAD STAN grins sardonically as he claps his hands together.

STAN:  
*sadly, hushed*  
Cartman...

In the background, KYLE tears down one of MAYOR MCDANIELS' ASSISTANTS.

KYLE:  
*screaming*  
FAT ASS!

DEAD STAN:  
I never get tired of watching Cartman die. It always...

He grins wickedly.

DEAD STAN:  
*cont'd*  
...puts a smile on my face.

STAN:  
*pissed*  
You- You son of a bitch!

DEAD STAN:  
Dude, he killed me. I think I'm allowed my revenge.

STAN:  
This Cartman didn't kill you.

DEAD STAN:  
*frowns*  
You know, you're right, kid. He didn't, but don't think that he wouldn't have done it if given the chance. Kyle and Wendy saved you from my fate that day by dragging you to see me at my grave. Your grave.

His psychotic grin grows wider.

DEAD STAN:  
*cont'd*  
If only they knew that they introduced me to my salvation...yet again.

STAN:  
*blinks*  
You're fucking crazy!

DEAD STAN laughs and gestures to all the STANS.

DEAD STAN:  
We all are. If you think about it, Stan Marsh brought this upon everyone.

STAN:  
*pissed*  
But you're the one pulling the strings!

DEAD STAN:  
I'm you. So, logically, you're the one doing the string pulling around here.

KYLE:  
*shouting*  
Stan!

STAN brings his gun up and cocks it.

STAN:  
*pissed*  
I'm done with you and your god damn logic!

KYLE is suddenly overwhelmed by the opposition. As ZOMBIE BEBE grabs him from behind, ZOMBIES RED and LOLA force him to drop his swords. He screams out in surprise and thrashes about in a panic. The remaining zombies swarm up to him like vultures on prey. They rip off his coat and shirt, causing his thrashing to become more violent.

DEAD STAN:  
Huh. Well, if that's the case, then I guess I'll just have to kill myself.

Tears form in STAN's eyes as ZOMBIE CHEF approaches and tosses CARTMAN's mutilated body between the two STANS. DEAD STAN laughs in a deranged manner. KYLE's screams suddenly turn louder and more desperate.

STAN:  
*tearfully*  
I didn't want this!

DEAD STAN:  
But I do, so that means that you do. And since you won't willingly do what *I* want...

He laughs.

DEAD STAN:  
*cont'd*  
I'll just have to break you.

ZOMBIE CHEF's expression turns to one of remorse.

ZOMBIE CHEF:  
*distorted*  
I told you it'd bite you on the ass, children.

All STANS look to ZOMBIE CHEF in surprise.

DEAD STAN:  
*surprised*  
What?

ZOMBIE STAN#1:  
*sadly*  
I know I've got some emotional problems, but god damn.

ZOMBIE STAN#2:  
*sadly*  
Yeah. This kid's crazy. Why the hell am I siding with him?

ZOMBIE STAN#3:  
*sadly*  
I guess I fucked up, huh.

DEAD STAN:  
*pissed*  
Assholes, stop self reflecting and get that asshole over there!

The ZOMBIE STANS disappear one by one as they accept their position in life, death, and reality. Zombies begin pulling KYLE's entrails out from his stomach and feast upon them.

KYLE:  
*screaming*  
STAN! BLOW HIS FUCKING HEAD OFF!

STAN glares at his counterpart through the eyesight of his shaking shotgun. Tears fall from his eyes as KYLE's screams gurgle to a stop.

STAN:  
*pissed*  
I stole your life? You stole my friends, my family! You influenced and possessed me! By your logic, you stole MY life! By your logic, this means that I killed my friends! I influenced and possessed myself! I have no one to blame but myself.  
*pauses*  
I dunno about you, butt pirate, but I see only one option to deal with someone this fucked in the head.

The remaining zombies gather behind STAN, as if ready to overwhelm him.

DEAD STAN:  
*pissed*  
Seriously, kid? Do you really think you have the balls to kill me?

STAN:  
*pissed*  
Let's find out.

DEAD STAN:  
*pissed*  
I know you, dude! You're too much of a pussy to kill anything, let alone yourself!

STAN:  
*pissed*  
You read the paper?

DEAD STAN:  
*pissed*  
I'm dead, artard. What do you think?

STAN:  
*pissed*  
Well, the Shotgun Daily has news for you, asshole.

DEAD STAN:  
*surprised*  
Wait. What?

The CAMERA cuts to black with the sound of a gunshot.

* * *

CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK TOWN SQUARE - DAWN  
Aside from bloodstains, crushed grass, and the occasional disembodied limb, there appears to be very little evidence of the zombie fight courtesy of the continuously falling rain. The sun can be seen rising in the cloud free eastern sky. A flash of light appears and suddenly a disheveled and bruised KYLE is standing in the center of the square. He looks around bewildered for a moment before seeing STAN sitting off in the distance near a pile of stones with his head between his knees. As KYLE approaches, STAN's weeping becomes more apparent.

KYLE:  
*confused*  
Stan?

STAN:  
*tearfully*  
I did it, Kyle. I kept my promise to you.

KYLE:  
*confused*  
What promise? What's up with that pile of rocks?

STAN:  
*tearfully*  
I buried you guys there. I had to.

He sniffles.

STAN:  
*cont'd, tearfully*  
I couldn't leave you guys without some kind of burial.

KYLE:  
Dude, I'm right here!

STAN stands and regards his friend with bloodshot eyes.

STAN:  
It's alright, Kyle. You don't need to convince me about reality. Chef already did that.

KYLE:  
*confused*  
What?

STAN:  
He was right. You were right. I didn't want any of this.  
*softly*  
But I wanted it anyway. The other me.

KYLE:  
Dude, you're not making any sense.

STAN:  
All the world needs to know is that I never wanted any of this to happen.

STAN walks away. KYLE looks to the mass grave for a moment before following his friend.

KYLE:  
Dude, what the hell happened here? What killed everyone but you?

STAN beats a palm on his forehead.

STAN:  
Stop it! Go away! I don't want to think about it anymore!

KYLE:  
Think about what? Dude, talk to me!

STAN continues walking until he comes to a sword lying innocently in the grass. He picks it up and regards it carefully.

KYLE:  
*concerned*  
Stan... What are you doing?

STAN:  
*sadly*  
I've accepted reality, Kyle, but I can't live with it.  
*hushed*  
I'm sorry.

With one swift motion and a cry of pain, he jabs the sword into his stomach. KYLE cries out in surprise and rushes to STAN's side as he falls to the ground.

KYLE:  
*panicked*  
Dude!

STAN:  
*weakly*  
Kyle, you said you saw this future.

He coughs up blood.

STAN:  
*cont'd, weakly*  
If you're real and...and not...in my head... Make sure-

He coughs wetly.

STAN:  
*cont'd, weakly*  
Make sure...that I promise you...to accept reality...for what it is...and let it go...

KYLE:  
*shocked*  
I- I will, dude.

STAN:  
*weakly*  
Don't...let me...raise...the...deh...

STAN silently falls limp beside the now crying KYLE.

KYLE:  
*tearfully*  
Raise the what, Stan?  
*pauses*  
Stan?

KYLE shakes STAN.

KYLE:  
*tearfully*  
Stan?!

He bows his head as he openly weeps. The scene fades to darkness with a clock's ticking coming into being.

UNKNOWN VOICE:  
TIME WILL EVENTUALLY SWEEP THE OBSTRUCTION DAMMING IT AWAY OR BURY IT DEEP WHERE IT CANNOT BE FOUND. THE STRONG CURRENTS OF TIME WILL ALWAYS TAKE YOU TO THE SAME LOCATION. MANNER OF TRAVEL MATTERS NOT. STRENGTH MATTERS NOT. SAFETY MATTERS NOT. FAIRNESS MATTERS NOT. TIME CARES NOT ABOUT SUCH THINGS. ALL THAT CONCERNS TIME IS THAT IT CONTINUES FLOWING LIKE THE MIGHTY RIVER; SWIFTLY AND NEVER HALTING.

STAN:  
So, in other words, you're saying that shit happens and it's gonna happen no matter what I do.

UNKNOWN VOICE:  
IN SIMPLE TERMS, YES. YOUR FATE IS SET. NO MATTER WHAT FORK IS TAKEN YOU STILL WILL END UP AT THE SAME PORT OF CALL.

STAN:  
I... I didn't want this to happen... Is there anything you can do to change it?

UNKNOWN VOICE:  
I HAVE LOST COUNT THE NUMBER OF TIMES THIS QUESTION HAS BEEN ASKED OF ME. AS SUCH I HAVE LOST COUNT THE NUMBER OF TIMES I HAVE GIVEN THIS SAME RESPONSE. CONSIDER YOURSELF FORTUNATE, STAN MARSH. NOT MANY GET A SECOND CHANCE, LET ALONE MANY IN YOUR CASE, TO SHAPE AND ALTER THE FLOW OF TIME.

STAN:  
So... Is that a yes?

The ticking stops and all is silent.

UNKNOWN VOICE:  
*sighs*  
YES. I WILL HELP YOU. LET US PRAY TO THE GODDESS OF TIME THAT THIS CHANCE IS SUCCESSFUL.


	13. Yesterday Never Comes, Tomorrow Always

**_Chapter Thirteen_**  
 ** _Yesterday Never Comes, Tomorrow Always Was_**

* * *

It was dull and gray when Stan Marsh awoke with a start. His eyes wandered the room, his room, as he attempted to grab his bearings. A bright flash and a grumble of thunder grabbed his attention at the window. It was raining cats and dogs, metaphorically of course, but that didn't stop the thoughts of familiarity from running a marathon in his head. Sitting up in the bed certainly didn't stop them either nor did it ease the sharp sting in his stomach. Of course, there also was the thought that something was off. The boy buried his face into a palm as he painfully attempted to sort his head out and clutched his aching gut with the other. Maybe it had been a dream. Images of battle. Smells of death. Sounds of...something something. It had been too real to have been imagined by the subconscious of his screwed up little mind.

This all was fine and dandy, however, his sense of time and his clock, of all freaking things, were telling him that he had fallen asleep after returning home from school. He also heard his dad downstairs playing Drunken Guitar Hero, and winning spectacularly, so a simple assumption led him to believe that the rest of the family was fine and well. This was all theory, of course. Call it Schrödinger's family if you will. Of course, Stan, being ten years old and not too well versed in the ways of most things sciencey, had no idea who this man with a funny name was nor what the deal was with his cat. No, instead of pondering such things, the option of standing up and rearranging the mess that was his twisted wrinkled clothing was taken.

 _"Blow his fucking head off!"_

Kyle's voice; commanding, dripping with urgency, swimming in injury. This had been a dream, but felt more like a memory. Or maybe it had been the other way around. Stan wasn't sure. There was no sense to be found here. It had packed up and fucked off somewhere for greener pastures and sunshine leaving behind things that were not compatible with rhyme or reason, like frozen orange juice concentrate wrapped in underwear stuffed in a left shoe and abandoned in the microwave. He thought for a moment, at least until he doubled over with a grunt as his aching stomach demanded his attention. Who was Kyle referencing? Had he been talking to Stan or someone else? Why did his stomach feel like it had been split open with a knife? These questions and more ran around like headless chickens in Stan's mind, none of which there were ready made answers for.

Spittle dripped from Stan's mouth as he fought off the pain in his stomach and righted himself to his full height. The sting subsided as he spied a yellow book on his dresser. He ran a hand along its spine to feel its smooth glossy texture. That's right. He had somewhere to be tonight, but... Unlike earlier, doubt was beginning to cloud his judgment. Despite the disclaimer "Intended for entertainment purposes," thoughts of taking a book whose subject material pertained to resurrecting the dead to a cemetery suddenly and explicitly seemed like a very grave idea. He held the book in his hands, went to leaf through it, but promptly placed it back on his dresser. No, entertaining thoughts of bringing Chef back from the dead was not a healthy way to deal with his untimely passing.

 _"Told you it'd bite you on the ass, children."_

Chef's voice; matter-of-factly, filled with sadness, very much sounding like someone had ripped out his vocal chords, placed them in a blender, and attempted to stuff them back in Chef's throat in a half-assed manner. Stan, of course, had no idea what that actually sounded like, but took a wild imaginated guess. He nodded in determination and, abandoning the book, reached for his phone instead. He had an apology to make and needed a secondary clear head to help him sort through his jumbled mental filing cabinet. With numbers dialed the line connected to its destination. Luckily, the person who answered on the other end was exactly who he wanted to talk to.

"Kyle? Dude, I'm sorry for what I said earlier today."

"Sta-? That's alright, dude. I know you didn't mean it."

"Dude, is it okay if come over? I...need someone to talk to."

"Sure. Uh, you okay?" Assurances were uttered as well as a promise of seeing him soon. However, before goodbyes could be said, Kyle interrupted with a plea. His begging was so pronounced that Stan could almost imagine the other boy on his knees and interlocking his hands together. "Stan, please promise me something."

"Okay."

"Promise me that whatever happens, you'll accept reality for what it is and let it go."

"Sure."

"No, asshole! Promise me!"

"Okay! Okay! I promise!"

Without a face to go by, Stan was unable to gauge whether Kyle believed him or not. The other boy seemed convinced and the two separated from the call. Stan tossed the now silent phone on his bed and made for the door, but not before taking a long look at the book sitting on his dresser. It was calling to him, pleading with him to take it to where it wanted to go. The longer he stared at it, the more demanding it got; venomous insults, statements that it had made love to his mother, that it would kill his friends.

 _"Wendy will never look at a pansy ass kid like you ever again."_

Stan's own voice; normally quite upbeat and friendly, but here very angry, spiteful, almost demonic in nature. Stan smirked at the voice in his head. He really could care less. She seemed happy with Kyle and he was happy not being involved with her any longer. She was better as friend material anyway. Despite that, the egging and insults continued. With a sigh, Stan grabbed the book as he exited his room. The insults silenced as the atmosphere surrounding him lightened. He made his way down the stairs and covered his ears as he passed his dad drunkenly caterwauling into a Guitar Hero microphone. He passed his mom as she and his sister Shelly were reading through some kind of book each, something about a dude shaving fifty times in gray. How that was entertaining to girls was beyond him. Normally he'd stop to ponder such things, but he was a boy on a mission. He entered the kitchen, turned the oven on to its highest setting, and tossed the book inside. The book pleaded with Stan to save it from its fate, but, to its horror, pleas had fallen on deaf ears as Stan was no longer there.

Sometime later, Randy found the oven blazing and spewing out thick acrid smoke as an alarm screamed overhead. After engaging the fire with an extinguisher all that he found, to his disappointment, was a pile of ash. However, if he had investigated further he would have found a few scraps of pages that had escaped charring. Mere letters that were arranged in such away that if a sharper mind had seen it it would have simply read, "God dammit." Whether or not that was coincidental would be entirely up for interpretation, but like a probable bear possibly sharting on a theoretical squirrel in the woods, no one could tell for sure if there was no one there to witness it.

* * *

 ** _Notes:_** If I had continued, the next chapter would have been "Ironing Board Girl: The Cooning or My Enemy is Not My Friend". It would have been a chapter of Cartman being Cartman. For example, he breaks into the school at night and switches the contents of every locker around to incite a school-wide brawl. Ironing Board Girl would have thwarted his many plans, leading him to create the villainous persona, The Coon, and declare her as his mortal enemy.

"Walking the Mountain Path" - Butters falls ill to a supernatural illness, foretelling the coming of Satan and the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse. Pip, Tweek, Dougie, and a reluctant Cartman travel into the mountains to find the only thing that can cure him; a flower. There, they're surprised by a horde of zombies.

"Somewhere Between the Crossroads of Life and Death" - Stan's zombie alter ego surprises Stan, Kyle, Wendy, and Kenny at Hell's Pass hospital with demons and zombies, forcing them on the run with Butters. Kyle helps them escape by allowing himself to be captured. On the way to Butters' house, they meet up with Pip, Tweek, Dougie, and Cartman. A final showdown at Stark's Pond takes place between Stan, Wendy, Cartman and Kenny and Dead Stan and his army. They win. All injured, Wendy critically so. Kyle dies to save her. At the end, Stan again speaks to the unknown voice, who refuses to alter time any further.

"The Friendship Connection" - Everyone adjusts to a life without Kyle.

"Crossing the Tides of Time" - Stan and Wendy search for a way to bring Kyle back that won't involve zombies. They come across a fairy ring that takes them to "The End of Time," where they meet the God of Time and learn about how everything ended up the way it did.

\- There are multiple timelines all running congruent with each other that deviate from the Main Timeline (the actual show): Original Time (Stan Dies), Bad Time (Stan Kills Himself and Everyone Else), and Another Time (Current Time).  
– They discover that time was initially reset because the spirit of Dead Stan from Original Time had so many regrets about death and seeing adult Wendy with adult Kyle that he was able to influence the God of Time to reverse time. This leads to Stan finding out that he is the one outside time (as he shouldn't exist and Dead Stan is the original) and is (as the time anomaly) also responsible for the exploding cows and thus Clarabelle's death as cows are highly susceptible to changes in time.  
– Kyle and Wendy's remnants of memories from Original Time are glitches of the time reversal process.  
– Original Stan's ghostly/zombie origins come from a glitch brought about from the time reversal process, leaving him as both alive and dead at the same time. Original Stan existed in Bad Time and Another Time due to a glitch caused by Stan diverting from his original self and moving on from Wendy after she chooses Kyle (which is a glitch in itself).  
– Kyle is brought back from the dead in a similar manner as Crono in Square's SNES classic Chrono Trigger. After receiving a Time Catalyst from the God of Time, Stan travels back in time to the fight on the frozen Stark's Pond with his zombie counterpart in "Somewhere Between the Crossroads of Life and Death". After some words to inspire an injured Wendy to fight as Ironing Board Girl, Stan uses the Time Catalyst to freeze time, swap Kyle with a handful of ash, and returns to the present time.  
– In the end, the God of Time attempts to delete all timelines except the Current Another Time, but finds that he cannot due to the fact that Kyle, Wendy, and Stan all draw glitched memories from the other two timelines respectively. He ends up rolling time back to the beginning to fix things.  
\- The chapter then ends with a repeat of the beginning of "Cartman Gets an Anal Probe" with everyone experiencing a brief moment of déjà vu upon Chef's arrival.


End file.
